**Take note, Washington Post**
I’ll skip the mechanics of making a Mario level… Everyone else who’s already posted a review has done that. It’s easy. My five year old can do it with minimal training and no tutorial. This shouldn’t be the hard part, though. The hard part is putting an enjoyable level together.
As a published author (don’t bother holding your applause), I have a certain amount of creative thought process at my disposal. Sure, I can make any level hard by tossing a bunch of enemies or large pits, but I’d rather make one that unfolds as you play it. There’s not enough in there to tell a full story via a Super Mario Level (as I heard some egomaniacs say… Can you believe those egomaniacs?!), but there is enough to make a level that’s both challenging and fun to play through.
Mario starts his walk under the serene blue sky. A Goombah walks towards him, malice in his heart and ill intent on his mind. Mario has no choice. He leaps in the air, aiming his size twelve and a half work boots towards the earth, and smashes the Goombah into a bloody pancake. He thinks he is in the clear, but as he leaps over a green pipe, he sees the landscape ahead of him. Koopa Troopas walking back and forth and Piraña Plants popping out of pipes, ready to bite his nether regions. He thinks back to a time where he was a simple plumber, but those days are sadly in the past. There is only one thing that concerns Mario now: Being super and smashing the ever-living fuck out of Bowser’s ass.
Now that’s the setup for a fucking Mario level!
My daughter and wife are also an accomplished Mario Makers as well. My daughter creates out of pure sadism, challenging me to beat her impossibly hard levels. One minute I’m on an airship, and the next I’m underwater, battling a Bowser with wings. It’s bad enough that Bowser is underwater, but why does he have wing?! You’re a twisted little girl!!!
My wife’s Super Mario sadism is much more precise. She’ll give you a sense of security before sending you down a pipe without any hope of escaping her torturous maze of hellish terror on the other side. The only reason I can beat the level of hers I posted is because I saw her make it. I know where the pipe is that leads to the end!
Now on to the blooper reel that is the menagerie of uploaded levels on the Mario server…
I will agree with that Washington Post douche (the one who overuses the word “antithesis”) on the amount of bad levels uploaded into Nintendo’s servers, though. There’s countless Rude Goldberg-esque “Don’t Touch Anything” levels, where a trampoline is fired at Mario, bouncing him around the screen like loose change in Michael J Fox’s pocket. I swear I got three of these the other day in the 100 Mario Challenge.
There’s also those levels where there’s piles upon piles of bad guys. One of the features of Mario Maker lets you make one bad guy piggy back on top of another. Imaging a Goombah riding atop a Hammer Brother! OK… That’s not too horrifying, but you get my point. I actually saw a Hammer Brother riding a giant Koopa Troopa like a horse the other day. Now that looked cool. What I’m talking about is something like twenty enemies, all piled upon each other and bumping around like the world’s most overcrowded Koopa-esque orgy, making it virtually impossible to pass without dying the most horrible of deaths.
There’s also the insanely difficult. Some makers will put the word “hard” on their description, so you know what you’re getting into. Making an impossibly hard level isn’t a bad thing if you’re looking for the most hardcore of players to take on your course. I’m a medium-core kind of guy, so something with a large fun-factor appeals to me more than flailing about over lava or spikes, wondering when my body would be burned to death like the time my pop tarts got stuck in the toaster.
Also, fuck water levels! There, I said it.
To ensure you play some of the levels listed above against your will; Nintendo created the aforementioned “100 Mario Challenge”, where you have one hundred lives to finish sixteen randomly chosen levels. You do have the option to skip a level if it’s annoyingly hard or you’re just not feeling it, though. You just won’t get any wasted lives back (not even your own… OH!). The game does make the maker complete their own level before posting it, so every level is actually beatable.
Nintendo did actually put in a limiter on posting levels if you totally suck. You can only post ten levels until you earn fifty stars. Once you hit fifty, you can post up to twenty levels. I’m assuming this number keeps moving. I just hit fifty stars with my ten levels, so I’ve upgraded to being able to post ten more. Maybe I can post thirty levels at a hundred stars. Oh, the places I’ll go!
There are ways around the level limit (like anything). Just find five friends who have it, post ten levels, and have them star each one. Bam! You get fifty stars, but you take the fun out of trying to make decent levels, you troll fucks. You can also delete your old levels, keeping the stars earned from said level. This would take longer, but you’ll be able to keep creating and posting. I was able to get this with my ten levels (one is my wife’s and one is my daughter’s), without trolling Nintendo or their online community to do so. Yay me.
So what’s your best bet to have an enjoyable experience playing Mario Maker and not just making? If I have to tell you, you’re an idiot. Take to the internet, dorks! Post your creation on Twitter, and hashtag that bitch up. Join a Mario Maker community or two. There’s plenty out there already.
OK… Now I have to plug the community I joined (MarioMade.com). Not because I have to, but because I’ve actually had a great time playing the levels posted, and they’ve enjoyed mine (so they say). You can pick and choose what you play (rather than the random dumpings of the 100 Mario Challenge), you can star those people from the site, and you can reply directly on the site so others can see what you thought (rather than leaving those sometime annoying in-level messages). I’ve had a ton of fun with these levels, and they’re good people.
I’ll post a link to my levels from MarioMade.com if you have Mario Maker, and you’re interested in playing them (I recommend my toilet-themed level called “Go Flush Yourself!”).
“It’s a pleasure to be here, Budgie,” Immortan Joe says in his raspy voice. His skin is white and dry, and his long hair is the same. His gas mask is jeweled with human teeth on the front, and the back of his breathing apparatus rises and falls like an accordion.
“Your new movie, Mad Max: Fury Road, is out on Blu-Ray right now,” Budgie Bigelow says. “But I’d like to do something different than normal today. I heard you’re an aficionado of pop music.”
“That I am,” Immortan Joe replies.
“I wonder if you’d be interested in rating a few recent chart-toppers today,” Budgie says.
“I would love to!” Immortan Joe replies.
“Alright,” Budgie says, shifting in his seat and pulling some light-blue cards from his pocket. “Our first song is by Meghan Trainor, and it’s called; Lips Are Movin’.”
“MEDIOCRE!” Immortan Joe shouts through this gas mask, loud enough to make Budgie jump.
“Agreed,” Budgie says. “Did you like her previous hit: All About The Bass?”
“Another fat girl anthem,” Immortan Joe says. “I googled her body. She’s not really fat-fat, but her body is still… MEDIOCRE!”
“Agreed again,” Budgie says. “Do you want to do another?”
“Sure,” Immotan Joe replies. “This is fun.”
“Alright,” Budgie says. “Up next, we have ‘Love Me Like You Do’ by Ellie Goulding.”
“MEDIOCRE!” Immortan Joe exclaims.
“Care to elaborate?” Budgie asks.
“I do not feel that I need to,” Immortan Joe replies.
“OK,” Budgie says, tossing the card aside. “This one has been has been extremely popular. ‘Bad Blood’ by Taylor Swift.”
“MEDIOCRE!” Immortan Joe shouts. “I should disembowel you for making me listen to that talentless harpie.”
“How about I change things up a bit?” Budgie says, visibly frightened. “Here’s ‘Renegades’ by X Ambassadors.”
“We’re going through these quick now,” Budgie says. “Here’s Andy Grammer with ‘Honey I’m Good’.”
“MEDIOCRE!” Immortan Joe shouts.
“Don’t you want to hear the entire clip?” Budgie asks.
“I said… MEDIOCRE!” Immortan Joe exclaims. “Don’t you dare play another millisecond of that.”
“We only have a couple more here,” Budgie says. “Here’s another alterna-pop hit. ‘Shut Up and Dance’ by the band, Walk The Moon.”
“Last one, Joe,” Budgie says. “It’s Demi Lavato with ‘Cool For The Summer’.”
“There you have it,” Budgie says. “Thank you so much for joining us, Joe.”
“You are most welcome, Budgie,” Immortan Joe says. “I would love to do it again.”
“I’d love to have you back to get your take on all the new television shows coming out this fall,” Budgie says.
“Sure,” Immortan Joe says. “That can easily be arranged.”
“By the way,” Budgie says. “What do you think of this installment of The Bulge?”
So let me go back… Not too far back (otherwise I’ll be typing this forever). I’ll go as far back as Frozen. Those of you who follow my non-writing account on Twitter (@Buzzquotes) probably know how much I hated Frozen. Those of you who have followed my writing know that I took the liberty of writing them a decent sequel (which they have yet to thank me for, by the way). The reason I did this for them, is because they fucked up the writing of the first one. The only reason this movie made any kind of money is because kids might just be getting dumber (mine being the exception). The only reason Frozen won an Oscar is because the Oscars are fixed, and Disney needed it.
I’ll come back to Frozen. I’ll probably jump around a bunch of times, so let me make the leap to Big Hero 6. I was excited when this one came out. I really was. It was Disney’s first animated film based on a Marvel comic (since Disney now owns Marvel comics). I don’t mind that it didn’t follow the comic series (I’ve read the comics, and it is not really kid-friendly), but calling what Disney did an abortion would be an insult to abortion enthusiasts. I’ve ranted about this movie before in a post I called “Big Zero 6”, so I’ll keep this rant brief. They took the characters and made them all family friendly (which again, I don’t mind), but they changed their personalities and personas so much that I don’t even know why they used the name “Big Hero 6”. There was almost nothing about the comic in this movie other than character’s names. They even turned one character from Asian to black, because you can’t have an ensemble film without a black character in America. Why even… .Fuck… I can’t even finish this.
Let me add one thing here before I continue. Big Hero 6 wasn’t all that great of a comic to begin with. It came out when Marvel was trying to do a Mangaverse, cashing in on the recent trend of manga (Japanese comics) and anime. Of all the Marvel titles to turn into an animated movie, they could have picked better. Even Pet Avengers would have made a better choice!
Also, Big Hero 6 might be the most predictable movie of all time. As soon as Professor Whats-His-Nuts makes his first appearance I said (out loud in a movie theater full of kids) “He’s the bad guy.”. Also, I predicted by the trailer that they would tease the death of the fucking robot, make me cry, and then bring him back to life in true Disney fashion. Sometimes I wish Disney would pull the trigger on a major character death like good ol’ days of Bambi’s mother.
Let me leap forward now to Inside Out, the latest Disney Pixar movie to hit theaters. What the shit are you thinking, Pixar?! I read a rumor online that said you’re just basically waiting out your contract with Disney and saving the good stuff for when you’re on your own, but that was way too long ago it still be accurate. You had to have decided to stay under the Disney banner, and you’re still plopping out little shit-nuggets like this.
Let me give some credit to Pixar where it’s due. Some of the very few Disney animated movies I liked came from them. The Incredibles was both well written and enjoyable. Cars was surprisingly not shit, and Cars 2 was even move surprisingly not shit. Monsters Inc (the first one) and those Toy Story movies were pretty good too. Wreck-It Ralph was downright phenomenal (although I’m not so sure that was Pixar). I didn’t mind sitting through those with my daughter.
But what the crap were you thinking with this one, Pixar? What. The. Crap.
First of all, I think I’m in a minority (with Harbingerr) of people that still remember a sitcom called “Herman’s Head” from the nineties. For those of you who aren’t, Herman’s Head was a sitcom about some dude and the people that lived in his head and controlled an emotion respectively. In other words, Inside Out for grown ups that came out twenty years before Inside Out. Also, where was the Lust character in the adults? If you’re going to rip off Herman’s Head; do it all the way. He was the funniest one on that sitcom.
Here’s the thing that ultimately bored me with Inside Out. There’s no conflict. Sure, there’s Joy and Sadness’ quest to get their host back on the right track by returning her core memories with different viewpoints on what said host needs, but the only conflict they share is how to accomplish their common goal.
The writers missed the golden opportunity here to turn Anger (brilliantly voiced by Lewis Black) into a complete evil flaming piece of subhuman garbage. It looked like they started him down that road when they had him taking over the proverbial driver seat of this little girl’s psyche, having her make all the wrong decisions that would have likely ended her up being human trafficked and sold into the seedy world of underage prostitution. Anger is evil, and Disney glossed over this by making him remorseful for his actions. Was he named Remorse? NO! He was fucking Anger! They didn’t have a Remorse character! Remorse is something Disney knows nothing about.
Also, why was Anger constantly punching Fear and not Disgust after Joy and Sadness got lost? Is it because Disgust is a woman? I doubt Anger would differentiate between male and female when he wants someone to punch. I guess Disney is saying that females aren’t worth a punch in the puss. Another loss for feminism over here, ladies. Pack up your tampons and head into another theater.
So why was Anger written like this? I think the writers at Pixar (who are usually better than the ones who write the usual Disney princess nonsense they churn out like Korean Reebok-bootleggers) originally had him turning evil (which is why you see the seeds of it), but Disney came in with their rewrite. No kid would order his pussy-ass parents to buy him the red guy plush toy from Inside Out if he turned bad in the end. That would mean parents would only have to buy the other four for their screaming brats, and Disney would be out $14.99 per kid. Oh the horror!
Why I’m on the topic of Disney making rewrites, I’m starting to get the impression that Frozen met the same fate. Let me circle back to that icy turd for a moment. It seemed to me that the first third of the movie sets up Elsa as the villain of the piece, but Disney couldn’t have that. Anna had little to no personality (my own daughter has told me that she dislikes Anna because she has no powers and all she could do is wear clothes), so they couldn’t make Elsa the bad guy (even though she had all the workings of a comic book super-villain). So what did Disney do? They threw a heel turn in there for good ol’ Hans. That movie would have been twenty-five minutes long if Hans didn’t make that stupid turn anyway. They needed it. No wonder it took them seventy-five years to push this log out.
Here’s another gripe. What the fuck is up with all the heel turns?! Also, please Google wresting terminology if you do not know what I am referring to with “heel turn”, because I don’t feel like explaining it. Prince Hans in Frozen, Professor Robo-Jerk in Big Hero Six, and King Father-of-the-Year in Maleficent to name the ones in recent memory. Disney isn’t the only one guilty of this one. Just about every movie does it now, and you can almost spot it right after the opening credits in most of them. Why can’t we be treated to a straight forward good guy vs. bad guy movie without throwing the same wrench in there time after time after time after fucking time. I just watched Mad Max: Fury Road, and I was ecstatic with the fact that it was a straight forward as they come. I’ve said it before, but a twist isn’t a twist if you do it every fucking time, Disney. It’s just part of your yawn-inducing formula to make visual diarrhea.
So what’s there to look forward to with Disney? More shit movies based on rides? More of Pixar rehashing their old ideas to keep the gravy train running? So many princesses and talking animals that you start to wonder if Disney even knows what ‘pandering’ means anymore?
Look, I’m not saying Disney will ever be put out of my misery, but the animated movies Dreamworks have been putting out make Disney’s animated movies look like that shit on Netflix you never heard of that your daughter makes you watch when it’s raining out and you can’t go to the park. The Shrek movies were great (except Shrek the Third), and Kung Fu Panda 1 and 2 are among my favorite cartoons ever. How to Train Your Dragon was awesome, and the second one blew it the fuck away. I didn’t think I’d like Home either, but I thoroughly enjoy that mother fucker. Even that racing snail movie was decent. Dreamworks should have Disney sucking its CGI animated balls right now!
If I had to make one point out if this entire hot mess of a blog post, it’s that the writing just isn’t there at Disney any more. Those straight-to-DVD Tinker Bell movies are better written than anything they’ve released to theaters lately. They need to stop being concerned about quantity over quality. In other words; They should be writing with the goal for putting out something they can be proud of rather than something that will sell happy meal figurines and plush dolls.
OK. I have to conclude this thing or I’ll be ranting forever, so here it goes… Disney needs some new blood, and Budgie Bigelow is ready to step up. I don’t do deadlines and don’t take to having my stories changed in order to sell toys. Also, I refuse to let up on the violence and sex. Hit me up, fuckers.
What follows is a list of news and rumors (a lot of which I have read very recently). I don’t know if the rumors are true, speculation, or utter bullshit, but I am using them as examples anyway. If you want to debate me, then debate me. I’m always up for it…
I am going to move into the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) post Age of Ultron. I won’t spoil the movie, but I am going to talk about what’s coming. First off, Joss Whedon will no longer be writer / director of the Avengers movie. The 2-Part Infinity War movies (set for 2018 and 2019 respectively), will be written by the Russo Brothers, who have helmed the Captain America movies. Why did Joss decide not to do the movies? Nobody really knows but him and Marvel, but I can guess.
Weeks ago, I read an article about Marvel and Whedon becoming upset at each other because Whedon would not allow Agent Coulson (who died in the first Avengers movie and came back to life to be part of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.) to be part of Age of Ultron. Whedon’s thinking (and I agree) was that Coulson’s death was a big part of the first movie. Hell, they needed something to avenge (you know that as going to be his last word!). Marvel wants as many tie ins as possible, and that includes from the Marvel Television Universe (MTU) as well. Whedon saw what was coming down the pike, and decided to jump ship with two stellar movies under his belt.
The next movie in the MCU will be Ant Man. What happened to Edgar Wright, director of those Simon Pegg / Nick Frost movies from Engalnd? Wright parted ways with Marvel due to script changes in Ant Man. It seems that they want the movie to fall in line with the rest of the MCU movies (even if Ant Man looks to be quirky and comedic like Guardians of the Galaxy). Did they try to shove too much Avengers stuff into the movie? Ant Man was one of the original Avengers in the comics, but I don’t think Wright was thinking that when he developed the script back in 2006.
Next up is Captain America: Civil War. This movie sounds like it’s going to be a bag of cats (Bruce Banner’s words…. Not mine). Originally, this was supposed to be a direct sequel to Winter Soldier (they did leave us wanting more with that one), but it seems the movie is turning into a circus of Marvel’s unfinished business. It just started filming, but it sounds like a spin-off of The Avengers movies rather than a Captain America movie.
The first rumor that entered the fray was Robert Downy Jr.’s demanding of a bigger role. He sees Tony Stark / Iron Man as bigger draw for Marvel (and he’s right). What was a small part was rewritten into a massive part, so don’t be surprised to see as much Iron Man in this movie as Captain America. If they follow the comics, then it’ll be an all-out brawl between the two as the government tries to make all of the super heroes register and work for them. Captain America and Iron Man take separate sides on that issue (obviously).
**THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH MAY CONTAIN AGE OF ULTRON SPOILERS**
Captain America leads a new team of Avengers in Civil War, including Black Widow, Falcon, War Machine, Scarlet Witch, and Vision. To add more fuel to the fire, Ant Man and Black Panther have both been confirmed to be part of this movie. To make things even crazier, Spider-Man will finally be in the MCU and make his first MCU appearance in this one. This isn’t Toby McQuire or Andrew Garfield. This will be an entirely new Spider-Man. It’s still unknown what kind of role he will be playing, but this is a major get for Marvel, and they didn’t want to save him yet another reboot or Avengers 3. They are chucking him right into Civil War.
So all of these super heroes, a new villain for Cap to face, a feud with his former ally, and the conclusion to Bucky’s story? That seems like a lot for one movie. I figure this one to clock in at around five hours.
And what’s next for Marvel after Civil War? Doctor Strange, Gaurdians of the Galaxy 2, that Spider-Man reboot I previously said Marvel skipped, Thor 3, Black Panther, Captain Marvel, Avengers 3 parts one and two, and Inhumans. This isn’t even mentioning the slew of shows that will be popping up all over Netflix (see 2 paragraphs from now).
And what about all of these actors? It’s only a matter of time before Freddie Prinze Jr. realizes that he has been Captain America for a decade, and he won’t be able to make any shitty romantic comedies because he’s been typecast as Captain America. And before you say it, I know he’s not really Freddie Prinze Jr., but is there really any difference? Same goes for the rest of the original cinematic Avengers.
That’s one of the reasons the original Spider-Man franchise died (aside from the shitty writing of that last movie). They were supposed to do four movies, but they had to mesh the scripts of Spider-man 3 and 4 together. Toby “crybaby-face” face McGuire, Kirstin “I-look-like-an-ejaculating-horse” Dunst wanted to move on from Spider-Man, because they didn’t want to be typecast. A lot of good it did them! Name one other movie Toby McQuire was in other than Pleasantville and Seabiscuit. Lord of The Rings doesn’t count, because that was Elijah Wood. The only one who was safe was James Franco, and that’s only because he never turns down a movie.
Let’s not forget Marvel’s foray into Netflix. Daredevil became the highest rated Netflix series of all time, and it will be followed up by AKA Jessica Jones, Luke Cage, Iron Fist, a second season of Daredevil, and culminating with a mini series called The Defenders (which features all of the Marvel Netflix Universe characters). I’m looking forward to all of this (obviously), but I can’t help feel that this will also turn out to be too much of a good thing, ultimately destroying itself under its own weight.
P.S. If the MCU ever merges with those awful X-Men movies that should have been aborted; It would truly be the end.
We are still days away from the premier of the 50 Shades of Grey (or is it Gray?) movie, and I am already sick and tired of fucking hearing about it. Before you read the rest of my “review”, please keep in mind that I did not see this movie, did not watch the trailer, did not read the book, did not bother to learn the characters names, and have no intention on doing any of that at any part of my life. Also, I’m not happy that this is forcing me to interrupt my posting of my Spider-Man fan fiction, STING!, to write this. Here we go.
During the run of a children’s movie, the theater employees have to go in afterwards to clean up all the dirty diapers lazy mothers leave behind. During 50 Shades of Vibrating Milfs, I foresee the ushers having to clean up the piles of D batteries from where they gather at the bottom of the theater like the towers that WALL-E built.
So what do I know about this movie? I know it’s based on a book that’s based on a fan fiction that’s based on twilight. So this is essentially one woman’s rape fantasy who was a stong proponent of #TeamEdward (squeeee!). I bet she’s fat. Fat as fuck. I’m going to google her picture right now. Hold on a second… Ha ha. She is fat! She looks like Jabba The Hut mated with Delta Burke and squirted out a sex-crazed young adult literature fan. And her name is E. L. James. Might as well be E. L. Fudge. I can’t be the first one to make that joke, and I don’t care. Fucking perverted blob of a woman.
So I’ve heard the hype from my coworkers. My coworkers are mostly male, so the hype is how they are taking their wives to see this movie so they can get laid after it transforms their loins into a frothy, catfish-scented mess. I’m of the opinion that if you need 50 Shades of Masturbating Grandmas to get laid, then you need to turn in your dick. Overweight plumbers and electricians everywhere are going to climb atop their wives as they close their eyes, picturing a twenty-something year old millionaire that likes to tie bitches up and whip the piss out of them. Also, your wife doesn’t love you anymore.
So what else have I heard about this movie? My mother told me there’s a scene where this Grey dude eats ice cream from this chick’s gash, and she found it very unrealistic. She said the ice cream would go bad because of the heat of her throbbing womanhood. I concur, but I wish she didn’t tell me in front of my daughter.
I also heard (from many people) that it’s a very poorly written pornographic book series. I’ve read some bad erotica (very recently), but nothing as bad as what’s been described to me about these books. “Down there”. Really? Yeah. This chick calls her vagina “down there” on an almost constant basis. I was assured that the script for the movie would be much better, making 50 Shades of Moist Depends the first movie to actually be better than the book it’s based on since Return of the King.
Then there’s the rape vs. BDSM argument that exploded on twitter for three minutes yesterday morning while I was pooping at work. I guess this Mr. Grey is pretty much raping this chick after she says no. I saw the special episodes of Saved By The Bell. This is rape, you ding-dongs. The argument from the fans of this book is that it’s a tale of Grey’s redemption from his love of this virgin chick he forces his bondage on. That’s it women! You can change a man! Sure he’s a rapist sex addict, but you can change him with a little love! That was heavy sarcasm, dummies. #YesAllWomen this movie ain’t.
The worst part of all this is what’s going to happen later on. Nine months from now, there’s going to be a slew of Facebook and infotainment articles about all of the “50 Shades Babies” born from all the hot, dry sex that is going to occur during the run of this soft-porn excuse for cinema. I hope their not vaccinated too. Keep this article for your records and mark your calendar for end of November / start of December, so we can all be disgusted all over again, together.
Let’s conclude this disaster of a movie review before my dick turns inside out and rapes my stomach. 50 Shades of Grey is a trashy movie adaptation of a trashy book written by a trashy pig of a woman who wants to be forcefully nailed by the girly vampires from that trashy book, Twilight. I was sick of hearing about these books, and I’m sicker hearing about the movie. I hope your moms enjoy it.
Welcome back to a long-awaited edition of The Bulge… OK, so nobody was really waiting for it, but I haven’t done one in a long while, so shut your trap and enjoy! You may have asked (but probably haven’t) what happened to Budgie’s pop culture blog colorfully called The Bulge that would appear weekly on the Pop Syndicate website. Well, boys and girls, I can tell you what. The brass at Pop Syndicate decided they needed to go in a new direction. Aside from posting recaps of The Walking Dead and Justified, advertisements for the site’s owner’s podcast, and….. Well that was it. The Bulge was pretty much carrying that site on its own, and it was the first thing cut. So sad.
Oh wait…. They also posted pop culture news from other websites as well. I don’t want to forget about that.
But I digress…
The reason I brought The Bulge back into the world was because I had a day off with my daughter and time to brutally murder. Our local theater is among the few still playing Big Hero 6, it’s based on a Marvel comic, and my five-year-old daughter actually wanted to see it. Seemed like a slam dunk for me.
I’ll warn you ahead of time… This post contains spoilers, but since Big Hero 6 has been in theaters for months and is on its last leg; you’re an idiot for even clicking on this. If you’re waiting to watch this movie in the comfort of your own home, then you’re an even bigger idiot for reading this. Fuck you.
So let’s get the pre-movie bullshit out of the way. Since this is a kids movie, the powers that be at huge corporate offices who own the theater chain thought it necessary to dump every piece of kid-friendly garbage down the audience’s throats before starting the movie. Disney has two new movies coming out… The first is another based on a ride (joy) called Tomorrowland. I’ll save you the price of a ticket: This movie looks fucking terrible. Between the George Bee-effing Clooney’s voiceover and some girl being transported to a wheat field with an Oz-looking city in the distance… Fuck. I lost my train of thought. I’ll Chris Benoit my family before taking them to see this. The other is a Pixar movie called Inside Out that is a rip off of the sitcom Herman’s Head. What the fuck, Pixar?! You used to be the only cool thing about Disney before they bought Marvel. Go make Toy Story fucking seven, you Play-Doh fuck factory.
Speaking of Marvel, this movie takes the characters and concept of the comic but little else. This doesn’t piss me off much, seeing as it’s a kid movie. They didn’t butcher it as bad as Sony butchered The Amazing Spider-Man 2 in his last big screen appearance anyway. Seriously. Electro’s main gripe with Spider-Man is that he forgot his birthday. Fuck you, Sony!
So here we go with my actually review of Big Hero 6….
“Predictable” is the only word to describe this. I picked out both the villain and the red herring almost instantly. It looks like Disney found a formula that worked, and they’re going to kill the fuck out of it. Yes, I know that turning Hans heel three-quarters of the way in shocked the audience of little girls in Frozen. They only seemed to turn him bad to fill time in a movie with very little actual content story-wise. Frozen should have been an episode of Sophia The First at most, not a whole snowman-fucking movie.
But I digress again….
Here’s what I knew of Big Hero 6 moments into the film. Our Hero, Hiro, is an orphan. Big shock, Disney. Another fucking orphan. The only thing Disney loves more than ripping off fairy tales is dead parents. I grew up on Disney movies, and now I know why I always wished my parents were dead. This orphan story is capped off with a dead older brother on top of the dead parents that are spoken of maybe twice.
Here’s what else I guessed from the beginning of the movie: Disney was going to try and make me cry. Sorry, Disney, you aren’t going to get the tears flowing if I see them coming. As soon as the heart-warming Baymax is on screen I could see the end formulating in my mind: “That mother fucker is going to sacrifice himself, but then be OK at the very end.”
And you did it, Disney! You fuckin put that fat, robotic bastard right in harms way to save Hiro and some chick in the last moments of the climax. At that point I said “I bet he gave Hiro the disk with his memories on it so he can live again”, and HE GAVE HIRO THE FUCKING DISK WITH HIS MEMORIES SO HE CAN LIVE AGAIN! Fuck you twice, Disney! Fuck you with Baymax’s rocket-fist!
OK… I know this is a kids movie, and kids movies are notoriously formulaic in nature; but do something original. Here’s a tip for Disney (I know they’ll read this because they read all loser’s blogs that mention them): Break the formula. You’re mother fucking Disney for fuck sake! I know your writers can’t come up with anything unless they add the formula to a story and characters they didn’t actually create, but you’re better than this. Yes, even you. Fire your writers and get some new ones (I’m available if you care to send me an application… My resume is Askharoth). Maybe have a villain that’s a villain and not a seemingly good guy that turns out to be a villain while the guy you think is the villain is just some jerk but ultimately innocent. The problem using the same twist over and over again is that it stops being a twist and starts to become yawn material.
Big Hero 6 was the first Marvel comic to be turned into an animated movie, and you fucked me, Disney. You fucked me hard and without lube. Good effort with this one, but you fuck-game is limp. All your ladies must be disappointed with you, and they’re probably fucking the Hispanic help while you churn out turn after turd after turd. Get your shit together! I’m putting Big Hero 6 in the same comic to movie category as Daredevil. FUCKING DAREDEVIL! Not that I’m comparing this to the comic book like I said I wouldn’t… I’m just talking about how poorly these two movies were written.
No… Don’t try and convince me otherwise, Diseny. Go to your room and think about what you’ve done.
That’s it. I’m going to furiously jack off and fall into a sleep like death.
P.S. Maleficent was pure shit.