Welcome back to The Bulge, my pop culture forum I now write twice a year or so. Today, I’ll be reviewing My Little Pony the Movie for your reading enjoyment. I know little of these ponies of miniature stature, only that they’re friendly as shit and that’s apparently magic.
The movie starts with around fourteen hours of toy and cartoon commercials, letting your kids know what to cry for as you drive past Toys R Us on the way home. Once you’ve sat through that, you get a bunch of previews for regurgitated garbage companies like Dreamworks and Disney want to shove down your kids’ throats for another seven or eight hours. Then, finally, you get to see the movie based on the TV show based on the old TV show based on the toys. Probably. I don’t know how that chain actually goes because I watched stuff like He-Man.
The movie starts off exactly how a My Little Pony movie would: with a friendship party. Hooray! But is it really a cause for hoorays? Before the party can even kick off, Equestria (no shit, that’s what their kingdom is called) is attacked by an evil pony and a bunch of ape-creatures or something. I don’t know. It wasn’t really explained well or I wasn’t paying much attention. Sooner, rather than later, the pony body-count is in the hundreds as pony after pony is slaughtered at the hands of these blood-thirsty beasts. Legs were ripped from torsos, ponies were bludgeoned to death with their own appendages, heads were ripped from bodies, and ponies were dying in droves in pools of their own blood and feces. Most were killed, but the six ponies on which this pastel-colored snuff film focuses escape the culling.
It was at this point when I decided this movie wasn’t for kids. It was so inconsistent! The title would lead you to believe this movie was about ponies, but there were also unicorns and pegasuses (pegasi?). I don’t know about the other parents in the theater, but I sure as hell don’t want my kid to learn to be as vague as the makers of this movie. For shame, Hollywood. First Harvey Weinstein, and now this! For shame.
So the six ponies (I think it’s six anyway) leave their plush home in search of the one person who can help them vanquish their villain, the Storm King, whose only motivation is to gain the princess unicorns’ (not ponies!) power for…. reasons! He’s already seemed to have taken control of the rest of the world, so I fail to see why he even needs it. The only place that’s unaffected by his reign of terror is Equestria, and he just had his evil pony take it for him, utterly and completely, in a matter of minutes. How did these ponies live so peacefully, throwing lavish fucking friendship parties, when the world is falling apart around them, their enemies completely surrounding them? Oh… I just got the symbolism. They’re average Americans! The political rants in this movie make so much more sense now that I realize that!
The plot progresses, even if this review doesn’t. The ponies (I’ll just say “ponies” to save the time of typing out all the different kind of horse-like creatures who are on this adventure) come to what I can only assume is the village from Aladdin. This is where a slick-talking, celebrity-voiced feline (a cat) talks them into coming to his house, easing them into the sex trade business. The cages are all set to take them to forced harems of some oil barons from the Middle East when they make a narrow escape, heading toward the next leg of their adventure.
The part with the parrot pirates in the airship was actually really cute. I hate to admit it, but I enjoyed that part, corny as it was. I would have much rather heard the story of how the parrots stopped being pirates, became enslaved to the Storm King, and then became pirates again after the ponies sung songs about friendship and shit. Actually, skip that last part and just give me a movie about pirate parrots, dammit!
But then the most awkward part of the movie came when my daughter leaned over to me and said; “I know why they call that pony Pinky Pie.”
I know why they call her Pinky Pie! I had a whole discussion on bronies and cloppers at work (I suggest you google those two terms before you continue, because I’m not getting into it), and I understand why that particular pony would be called “Pinky Pie”. I just didn’t think the other kids around us wanted to hear my seven year old daughter talk about a cartoon pony’s vagina. I was so embarrassed I almost left the theater.
Since I hadn’t left, I was able to see the next part of the movie, wherein the ponies swim in a bunch of toxic waste and grow gills and fins, allowing them to travel underwater. Them some other stuff happens… bla bla bla. They argue… bla bla bla… There’s a big lesbian pony orgy at this point, but I figured that’s just fan service for the cloppers. They’re the real heroes here. Finally, there’s a big finale where they save the day because of friendship or some shit.
There was also a twenty minute political rant that was crowbarred in before climax, where Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash make some really nasty comments about President Trump and the current United States government in general. I’m not saying I disagree, but “cleanse the White House with fire and blood” is a little much for a movie aimed to sell toys to kids.
So Equestria is saved, their enemy’s head is hewn from his shoulders, and everyone is happy and dancing like a bunch of acid-tripping hippy bastards, those who survived the whole ordeal anyway. There’s like fifteen ponies left out of the two hundred or so that opened the move, so the casualties were heavy. May the fallen Rest In Peace, frolicking in the green grass of Pony Heaven if whatever religion they practice believes in such a place. I saw no pony praying during the course of this entire movie, so I’m assuming they’re godless atheists. If I’m right, may they all enjoy the eternal blackness that awaits all who don’t believe in an afterlife, forsaking eternal happiness for the afterlife of a burnt out lightbulb.
All in all, I give My Little Pony the Movie a C-. It would have been a solid C, but I’m feeling like a dick about it. Hell, it was still better than The Emoji Movie.