Freedom Lane – Rose the Cam Girl
Rose walked through the home of the Garcia brothers, across the street from her own Freedom Lane home. “I can’t believe I’ve never seen your whole house,” she said. “It’s lovely, despite you using it for that adult website of yours.”
“Thanks,” Antonio said. “We don’t do most of our work here. Just the cam girl stuff and sometimes a movie in the basement. Otherwise it’s pretty much like a convent.”
“OK,” Rose said. “I don’t want to be a bother, but I really have to get home before Helen starts to worry. Can I just borrow that cup of flour?”
“Sure,” Antonio said. “I think we keep it in the kitchen. I’ll run ahead and get it.”
“Thanks,” Rose said. She looked around the hall again, admiring the work they had put into the home since they’d bought it. She checked out one of the rooms, one that Antonio said was reserved for whatever a “cam girl” was. She noticed the computer on the desk was on, and text kept popping up on the screen.
“Take off your shirt?” she said, reading aloud what was on the screen. “Who are they talking to?”
“You!” the text on the screen said. “Show me your wrinkly boobs!”
“You can hear me?” Rose asked.
“Yes!!” the text read. “Get on the bed and show me your feet!”
“Oh dear,” Rose said. “Let me tell you something. You do not talk to a lady that way! I don’t know who you are or what your mothers taught you, but you do not ask to see a woman’s breasts like that. I’d call you pigs, but I’d be giving pigs a bad name. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Rethink your life choices!”
Rose left and almost ran into Antonio, who was holding a Tupperware container of flour. “There you are,” he said. “Here’s the flour.”
“Thanks,” Rose said, taking the container. “Bye-bye.” She left through the front door without looking back.
“Was that Rose?” Manny, Antonio’s brother, asked, coming out of one of the other rooms.
“Yeah,” Antonio replied. “She just left after borrowing some flour.”
“She ended up on cam just now,” Manny said. “The guys in the room are going crazy!”
“Really?” Antonio asked. “They aren’t pissed, are they?”
“No,” Manny smiled. “They loved it. They’re all messaging our bots to get Rose back in the room to tell them off again.”
Antonio walked to the window and looked at the house across the street. “Shit,” he said. “What are the chances we can get her to come work for us?”
Created, written, & directed by Budgerigar Orville Bigelow
Co-created by executive producer BluntSharpness
Season 14, Episode 3: Rose the Cam Girl
“Can you believe this shit?!” Tony yelled, pacing through the main area of Paulie’s Pizza. “Community service. I didn’t do nothing!”
“Tell it to the judge,” Paulie groaned from the booth, where he was reading the morning’s paper. “I remember the story. You and the kid broke into a country club and got dragged out. I wouldn’t qualify that as doing nothing. Besides, it’s not like you’ve never done community service before.”
“I’ll need a couple days off,” Tony said.
“I’m not paying you for them,” Paulie replied.
“Come on!” Tony exclaimed. “When will I be done paying my debt to society!?”
“Stop being so over dramatic,” Paulie said. “You better not act that way when my new girlfriend gets here.”
“You got a new girlfriend?” Tony asked. “When were you gonna tell me?”
“I wait until she wants to see my place, making meeting you unavoidable,” Paulie replied.
The bells jingled as the door opened, and a woman came in. She was middle-aged, chubby, and had dark mocha-colored skin. She smiled when she saw Paulie.
“Oh,” Tony said, nodding. “This must be your mystery girl. You sure do have a type, boss.”
“We need to go in there with a plan,” Antonio said, standing on Rose and Helen’s porch. “We can’t just start asking Rose to come work for us. She’ll tell us to fuck off.”
“Rose doesn’t talk like that,” Manny responded.
“You know what I mean, bro,” Antonio said. “We need this. Do you have any idea how much money those perverts who are into getting shamed are willing to pay to have her lecture them again?”
“Dude,” Manny said. “I’m the one who told you, you asshole!”
The door opened, and Rose was on the other side. “Oh,” she said. “I didn’t know you two were out here. I just wanted to check the mail.”
“May we come in?” Antonio asked.
“Sure,” Rose said. “Come on in. Do you want some iced tea?”
“No thanks,” Antonio replied.
“Shut up,” Manny snapped. “Iced tea kicks ass!”
“I’ll get some,” Rose nodded. “I’ll be right back.”
“Oh look,” Helen mumbled, not looking away from the TV. “It’s the numb-nut brothers. To what do we owe the displeasure of your visit?”
“We’re here to see Rose,” Antonio said.
“Well then,” Helen said, looking away from the TV. “Maybe you shouldn’t have put her to work serving the two of you drinks then.”
“See!” Antonio said. “That’s why I said no. Of course iced tea kicks ass, but we’re here for business.”
“Do I need to be here for this nonsense?” Helen asked.
“Not really,” Antonio replied.
“Good,” Helen stood from her favorite recliner. “I’m gonna go take a shit. I hope you’re gone when I come back down.”
“Bye, Helen,” Manny waved. “See you later!”
“Kiss my ass,” Helen muttered, making her way toward the bathroom.
“Don’t be a stunad,” Paulie said, standing. He left the booth and met his girlfriend in the aisle. “Hi. Let me introduce you to Tony. This is Tony. Tony, this is Denise.”
“Nice to meet you,” Tony said, shaking Denise’s hand. “I’m Paulie’s business partner.”
“He is not,” Paulie said. “He likes to think he is, though.”
Denise laughed. “Paulie’s told me a lot about you, believe it or not,” she said. “He said you two have been friends for a long time.”
“I like pizza.” Tony shrugged. “This arrangement makes sense. What do you do?”
“I’m the director for Grand Soups,” Denise smiled. “We just opened a new soup kitchen on Grand Ave.”
“A soup kitchen you say,” Tony said, sitting down. “Maybe you can help me out with my little community service program.”
“Actually, Tony,” Paulie said. “We were hoping to have a little lunch.”
“That’s OK,” Tony replied. “You go ahead and make it while I talk to Denise.”
Rose returned a moment later, carrying a pitcher of iced tea and three glasses. “Here we go,” she said, setting it on the table. “Now what brings you two here?”
“We want you to be a cam girl,” Manny said.
“Dude!” Antonio said. “I told you to play it cool!”
“I’m always cool!” Manny said.
“What are you two talking about?” Rose asked. “I’m lost.”
“Remember when you walked into the cam room yesterday?” Antonio asked. “You started talking to some of our users, remember?”
“Right,” Rose said. “I’m sorry about that. Did I upset any of your customers?”
“Not really,” Manny said. “They loved you!”
“What?” Rose asked.
“What my brother is trying to say,” Antonio said, “is that we want you to work on cam for our site.”
“No,” Rose said, shaking her head. “I’m not doing that.”
“We’re not asking you to get naked or flash your beave,” Manny said. “The guys went crazy on you telling them off. They get off on women berating them, and there was something about you doing it that really got their rocks off.”
“That’s disgusting,” Rose said, walking to the front door. “I appreciate the offer, but I’m not interested.”
Antonio stood. “But…”
“Please go,” Rose said.
Antonio and Manny shared a defeated look and walked outside. Rose closed the door behind them. “Dammit!” Antonio snapped. “I knew we should have been more subtle.”
“Bro,” Manny said, walking back toward their house. “Subtle don’t count with hand grenades.”
Antonio followed. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean!?”
“Don’t you dare ruin things with Denise for me,” Paulie said, following Tony toward the kitchen.
“What?” Tony asked. “She’s only helping me get my community service hours out of the way, and you agreed to give me the time off. It’s a Wednesday anyway, and we’re slow. What’s your problem?”
“You taking the time off to work in a soup kitchen isn’t my problem,” Paulie said. “It’s you spending time with my girlfriend without me there as a buffer.”
Tony snorted. “Don’t be jealous,” he said. “I’m only feeding some bums. It’s not like it’s a date or anything.”
“Just don’t try to give her that smarmy charm of yours,” Paulie said.
“I can’t help it if I’m charming,” Tony replied. “It’s just how I am.”
“I just don’t want to have a long conversation with Denise about you being a creep at this soup kitchen,” Paulie said. “I also don’t want that conversation, should it happen, to end with her dumping me for associating with someone who’d be a creep at a soup kitchen.”
“Relax,” Tony said. “You always use long sentences when you’re in the wrong.”
“That’s not true,” Paulie said. “I’m so rarely in the wrong we’ve never established a pattern.”
“I’m just going to make soup,” Tony said, putting on his jacket. “The sooner I get these hours out of the way, the better. I promise I won’t tell too many embarrassing stories to your new soup kitchen girlfriend.”
“She’s just my girlfriend,” Paulie said. “You can leave the soup kitchen out her title.”
“Sure,” Tony said, opening the door. “I’ll tell your girlfriend you said hi when I see her at the soup kitchen.”
Paulie watched Tony leave. “My ass,” he said. “It’ll be a cold day in hell before I let you screw this up for me.”
Rose was getting dinner ready when the doorbell rang. “Da’Quarius!” she called. “Can you see who’s at the door?”
“Sure,” Da’Quarius yelled back, jogging to the door. He opened it, finding Manny and Antonio standing on the front porch. Manny was holding a gift basket. “Wha’chu guys want?”
“We want to talk to Rose,” Antonio replied.
“You guys don’t ever learn,” Da’Quarius said, shaking his head. “I heard wha’chu been tryin’ to do, an’ you ain’t never gettin’ her to do it.”
“What if we offered money?” Manny asked.
“Were you gonna make her do dat shit for free?!” Da’Quarius asked in return.
“We brought her a gift basket,” Manny said.
“I’ll get her,” Da’Quarius said, “but she ain’t doin’ it. Hey, Rose! It’s for you!”
Rose came out from the kitchen, wiping her hands with a dish towel. “Oh no,” she said. “Not you two again. You can just go right back to your own house!”
“See,” Manny said. “If you only did that on cam -”
“I said no already,” Rose said.
“Wait!” Antonio said. “What smells so good. Is that dinner?”
“We haven’t eaten all day,” Antonio added. “A home-cooked meal would really hit the spot.”
“Can we stay for dinner?” Manny asked, pushing out his bottom lip. “Please?”
“You just want to stay to convince me to do your stupid computer show,” Rose said, crossing her arms.
“No,” Antonio said. “We really want to have dinner with you, Daq, and Helen.”
Something dawned on Rose. “OK,” she said, smiling. “You can have dinner with us. We can even talk about your proposal.”
“Alright!” Antonio said.
“Oh, Helen!” Rose crooned, turning away from the Garcia brothers. “Guess who’s joining us for dinner?”
Tony walked through the soup kitchen, looking around to get familiar with his temporary surroundings. “It’s pretty standard back here,” Denise said. “We make the soup and bring it out front.”
“Cool,” Tony said. “Where’s the pizza oven?”
“What?” Denise asked.
“You want me to cook these bums up some pizza, right?” Tony replied. “It is my area of expertise after all.”
“We don’t have a pizza oven,” Denise said, trying to decide if Tony was joking or not. “We make soup, and we have plenty of people to cook today. What I really need is someone to pass out the soup and bread.”
“Oh,” Tony said. “Sure. I mean, if you don’t want to put my cooking skills to use, I guess I could put some bowls in front of some bums.”
“Please don’t call them bums,” Denise said.
“OK,” Tony said. “Do they prefer ‘money impaired’ instead?”
Denise laughed. “I love your sense of humor, but please don’t make those jokes when you’re on the floor.”
“What jokes?” Tony asked.
Before Denise could respond, Paulie came into the kitchen from the front area. “There you two are!”
“Paulie,” Denise said. “What are you doing here?”
“I was moved by Tony’s want to help out,” Paulie said, “so I decided to slap on an apron and help too.”
“I don’t want to help,” Tony said. “I just need your girlfriend to sign my paper for my community service.”
“Well it’s great that you’re here,” Denise said. “I could use another volunteer.”
“Great.” Paulie rubbed his hands together. “Where do you want me to set up?”
“Don’t bother,” Tony said. “These dummies don’t even have a pizza oven.”
“What?” Paulie asked. “Why would they? I can make a decent soup.”
“I’ve never seen you make soup before,” Tony said. “It’s not like liquid pizza or something.”
“Shaddup!” Paulie snapped. “I know more than pizza, you stunad!”
“I actually need volunteers on the floor today,” Denise said. “Can you grab a ladle and help Tony pass out the soup?”
“Yeah,” Paulie said. “If you don’t want me to use my culinary expertise I can.”
Denise gave Paulie a polite laugh. “OK,” she said. “Get an apron on, and I’ll show you two your station for the night. Hurry up. The dinner rush is about to start.”
“Hey,” Tony said, following Denise. “I get credit for Paulie’s time worked too, right? He doesn’t really need to be here.”
Paulie sighed and followed.
The platters were passed around as Rose, Helen, Da’Quarius, Manny, and Antonio all made their plates. “There’s not enough food,” Helen said. “Why’d you invite these two guacamole brains to dinner?”
“It would have been rude not to,” Rose said, scooping some mashed potatoes onto her plate.
“Uh-huh,” Da’Quarius muttered, pulling his plate in front of him and picking up his fork. “Cuz dere can’t be any other reason.”
“What did he say?” Helen asked.
“Nothing,” Rose replied. “So, tell me, boys, what was it you wanted me to do for you?”
“Dere it is,” Da’Quarius said.
“We want you to be a cam girl,” Manny said through a mouthful of food. “You already know that.”
“Oh right,” Rose said, feigning forgetfulness. “What does this job entail exactly?”
“It’s simple,” Antonio replied. “You get in one of our cam rooms, get on cam, and scold the perverts when they start asking you to do sex stuff.”
“What?” Helen said. “What the hell are you babbling on about? Rose isn’t going to talk to any perverts for you. Deal with your own shit.”
“No,” Rose said, putting a hand on Helen’s. “They want to make the perverts say these things to me.”
Helen put her fork down and looked at the Garcia brothers. “Does she have that right?”
“Yeah,” Manny said, smiling widely. “The users come in through our site and will interact with her.”
Helen took a breath. “And you think my woman would do something like that?”
Da’Quarius had a look of glee on his face as he looked from Helen to the Garcia brothers.
“We were hoping she would,” Antonio answered.
“And why,” Helen said, pushing off the table and getting to her feet, “do you think my Rose would do something as degrading and disgusting as what you’re suggesting?”
“Because we’d pay her for it,” Manny said.
The look on Helen’s face softened. “Oh,” she said, sitting down. “Hell. If Rose won’t do it, I will.” She picked some chicken up with her fork and popped it in her mouth.
Antonio and Manny looked at each other, smiles forming on both of their faces. “Helen,” they said together.
Rose groaned, shaking her head as she looked downward.
“Damn,” Da’Quarius said. “I was hopin’ she’d at least throw a plate at’chu guys.”
“Soup’s up!” Tony said, placing the bowls onto the trays of the homeless people in line. “There’s no need for shoving! We got soup for days!”
“Calm down,” Paulie said. “These people are destitute. They don’t need your commentary.”
“I love the enthusiasm,” Denise said, coming from the kitchen with a bag of bread. “Keep it up, Tony!”
“Thanks!” Tony said, taking another bowl from Paulie.
“How are you doing?” Denise asked Paulie.
“I’m good,” Paulie replied. “Though my shoulder is getting sore from ladling all this soup. There’s no way all these people are homeless. I’m guessing some of them just want a free meal.” He earned himself a few dirty looks from those in line.
“Here,’ Denise said, moving Paulie with her hands on her shoulders. “Let’s switch you and Tony for a little bit. You ready for the big leagues, Tony?”
“You know it!” Tony exclaimed. “I was born to pour soup!”
Denise giggled. “Good,” she said. “I’ll check back on you two in a bit.”
Paulie grumbled, handing out bowls of soup. “Thanks for the free meal, mack,” one of the homeless men said, taking a bowl from Paulie while giving him a stink-eye that reminded him of his sister.
“Come and get it!” Tony exclaimed, giving the bowl a long pour from his ladle.
“Cut that out!” Paulie snapped. “Do you have to be such a goofball?!”
“What’s your problem?” Tony asked, handing Paulie the bowl of soup. “How can you be such a grump when you’re feeding the hungry?”
“I just don’t want you acting like some kind of gagootz,” Paulie said. “Is that so hard to believe?”
“You’re not my boss at the soup kitchen,” Tony said.
“The hell I’m not!” Paulie said, taking another bowl and dropping it onto a tray, letting the soup fall from its rim. “This is why I went into management.” He gave another bowl of soup with a similar result.
“Watch it!” the homeless man said, stepping back as Paulie almost dropped the soup on him. “Asshole.”
Paulie sighed. “This stinks,” he said, turning toward Tony. “Move your ass. I’m ladling again.”
“No way,” Tony said. “I thought your arm hurt or something.”
“I’m over it,” Paulie said. “Give me the ladle.”
“No,” Tony said. “This is my job now, and I like it.”
“Stop being an asshole and give me the goddam ladle!” Paulie exclaimed.
“Hey!” a homeless man shouted. “I want my soup!”
“You’ll get your soup when I’m good and ready to ladle it into the damn bowl, you friggin’ bum!” Paulie exclaimed.
“Paulie!” Denise said, watching from the kitchen door with her arms crossed. “What the hell are you doing?!”
Paulie looked from her to Tony, who was shaking his head at him. He sighed. He walked toward the kitchen taking off his apron. “Can I see you tomorrow night?” he asked, handing it Denise.
“Don’t count on it,” Denise said.
“Alright,” Paulie said. “Have fun, Tony!”
“Sure thing, boss,” Tony said. “Well, since I have to do both jobs now…” He picked up the huge pot of soup and waddled it over to the counter Paulie had manned for less than a few minutes.
“Tony, no!” Denise shouted.
Tony lost his footing, dropping the pot of soup, sending into the chests of three people waiting in line. They started shouting. “Oops,” he said. “Occupational hazard, I guess.”
“Get out!” Denise shouted, pointing toward the door.
“Wait,” Tony said, reaching in his pocket. “I need you to sign this paper. I already wrote I was here for thirty hours if that’s OK. I hope you dumping Paulie doesn’t mean you can’t hook me up, right?”
Denise stared at Tony with her arms cross. “Just get the fuck out of here.”
“OK,” Tony said. “You can sign it after my shift tomorrow then.”
Helen sat in front of the computer in the Garcia brother’s house. “OK,” she said. “How’s this work?”
“We told you!” Antonio said from outside of the room. “People will start saying things, and you respond.”
“OK,” Helen said. She waited a moment and picked up the mouse, holding it to her ear. “Hello? Is anyone there?”
“They’re messages on the computer screen!” Manny shouted.
Helen squinted at the screen. “Hell,” she said. “I can’t read all that. It keeps moving!”
“Just say something!” Antonio shouted.
Helen stared at the screen. “This is boring,” she said. She lifted her leg and farted, filling the silent room with the sound. “Ha! You guys here that?! Crack a window for me.”
Antonio rushed in the room and shut off the computer. “Holy shit!” he yelled, pulling his shirt over his nose. “That fuckin’ reeks!”
“I didn’t tell you to come in here!” Helen said. “What are you doing?”
“We’re done,” Antonio replied. “Chat’s over. Everyone left.”
“All in a day’s work,” Helen said, grabbing her cane and standing. “When do I get paid?”
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