The Trumps – The Ballad of Rover Trump
The Trumps is a work of “fiction,” a “satire,” a “parody.” Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely “coincidental”, and this story is not meant to bear any political opinions.
Donny Jr and Eric watched from the other side of the room as their younger half-brother, Barron, sat on the floor of the living room, putting together a puzzle. “You ready?” Donny Jr whispered.
“Ready,” Eric chuckled.
“Well,” Donny Jr said, raising his voice. “Guess it’s time to clean up in here!”
“Yup!” Eric said. “Let me get the vacuum!”
Eric turned on the vacuum, rushing it into the living room and over to Barron before he could move his puzzle. Pushing it back and forth across the carpet, he chuckled as the pieces jumped around and scattered.
“HEY!” Barron shouted. “STOP IT!”
“I can’t hear you!” Eric shouted. “This floor is really dirty!”
“Come on!” Barron shouted, trying to wrestle Eric away. “What are you, like forty?!”
“Time to wash the windows!” Donny Jr said, coming into the living room, spraying Barron in the face with Windex, laughing hysterically along with his brother.
“MY EYES!” Barron said, rushing away toward the bathroom, nearly tripping over the carpet. The laughter from Donny Jr and Eric doubled as Barron turned on the sink to rinse out his eyes.
Donald stormed down stairs. “Stop with all the damn noise!” he shouted. “I’m trying to concentrate up here!”
“Sorry, Dad,” Donny Jr and Eric said in unison.
Donald gave them a dirty look before he took his cellphone out of his pocket and opened his twitter app, typing a new tweet and muttering as he went. “…you dirty sleezebag…”
Created, Written, and Directed by Budgerigar Orville Bigelow
Season 1, Episode 5: The Ballad of Rover Trump
Barron sat in his room, his Barbie dolls around him in a circle. “Good morning,” he said, addressing his plastic harem. “We have new addition to our fine stable. Girls, meet Unicorn-Rancher Barbie!” He held out a new doll wearing a sparkling doctor’s robe and a tiny stethoscope.
Donald moved away from his son’s doorway slowly after witnessing the newest doll’s inauguration. He went to his bedroom to find his wife, Melania, sitting in bed, reading. “We have got to do something about that boy and the dolls,” he said, sitting on the side of the bed.
“His doctors say it isn’t a problem,” Melania said. “It’s how he’s adjusting to living in a world where women are treated with disdain and disrespect, perpetuated by the male role models in his life.”
“What world would that be?” Donald asked. “I show all the women in my life the utmost respect. Everyone says I’m respectful to women. Who says I’m not? Was it that bitch, Crooked Hillary Cunton?!”
“Maybe you should take more of an interest in his life and teach him that women aren’t playthings,” Melania replied. “That way he wouldn’t have playthings that are modeled after women.”
Donald thought for a moment. “I know,” he said. “We need to get that kid a dog. Nothing beats the pansy out of a kid like a big, manly dog with a huge set of swinging nuts.”
“I’m going to sleep,” Melania said, closing her book. “I can’t do this anymore if you’re not going to pay the slightest bit of attention to what I’m saying.”
“OK,” Donald said, leaving the bedroom. “I’ll be downstairs watching Fox New with a box of Cheez-Its.”
“I know,” Melania muttered as Donald left. “I wish I had been purchased by an oil sheikh.”
Donald came into his house, dragging in a dog, a male collie, with him. “I’m home!” he called. “Where’s Barron?”
Barron came downstairs from his room. “Whose dog is that?” he asked.
“It’s your dog, Rover Trump,” Donald said. “This dog is going to turn you into a man.”
“What?” Barron asked. “How is that going to work?”
Donald sighed. “Take this fucking dog already!” he said, unhooking the leash. Rover ran around the living room, taking in all the scents of his new home. He finally made it to Barron, his new boy, and jumped on him, pushing him over with his paws on his chest. Barron laughed as he fell on his bottom, Rover licking his face and barking excitedly.
“Shut that dog up!” Donald said, going up the stairs. “I have important things to do!” He took his phone from his pocket and opened the Twitter app. “…fake news… sad…”
Barron looked in Rover’s face and laughed as his father went about his Twitter trolling. “You’re a good boy,” he said, petting the dog’s fur. “Aren’t you?”
Melania watched from the doorway to the kitchen, smiling. She couldn’t remember the last time she had seen her son so happy.
“HURRY THE HELL UP!” Donald shouted, coming down the stairs, wearing his best tuxedo. “They’re not going to wait for us!”
“I’m coming!” Melania yelled, coming down the stairs in her evening dress. She stopped to fix her husband’s tie. “You look handsome, dear.”
“Where’s the kid?” Donald asked, pushing his wife’s hands away. “He better not be playing with that damn dog when he’s supposed to be getting ready! Ivanka will be waiting for us!”
Barron came in from the kitchen, wearing his own tuxedo that matched his father’s. “Do I have to go?” he asked. “I want to stay here and play with Rover!”
Rover looked up from his dog bed with his tail wagging after hearing his name. He had been part of the Trump family for over a week, and he was enjoying life with his new family, especially his master, Barron.
“You’re going!” Donald snapped. “There’s going to be photographers there, and we need a picture of all three of us for the Neighborhood Association newsletter.”
“Who’s going to take care of Rover?” Barron asked.
Donald sighed. “I’ll take care of it,” he said, going back up the stairs, stomping his feet to convey his annoyance. He opened the door to Donny Jr and Eric’s room, and he found them on the floor, making championship wrestling belts with cardboard, glue, and glitter. “I need you two to watch Barron’s dog.”
“Why should we?” Eric asked.
“Because he won’t leave the house unless his dog is watched!” Donald snapped. “So get downstairs and watch that fuckin’ dog!”
“FINE!” Donny Jr groaned. “My glue needs to dry anyway.”
Donald grunted and left. Donny Jr and Eric waited until they heard the front door slam. When they knew they were home alone, they went downstairs. Rover sat up, looking at them with his tail wagging. The brothers looked at the dog, then each other, then back at the dog. Huge grins grew on each of their faces.
“That was eventful,” Ivanka said, entering her father’s house. “I thought you said people wanted the wall to be built.”
“They do!” Donald said. “They want to keep people out of our neighborhood who don’t want to be here, but they don’t want to look at a twenty-foot wall to do it. Sad.”
“Rover!” Barron said, pushing past his father and half-sister. “Come here, boy! I’m home!”
There was no answer from Rover, who would normally be barking up a storm at the return of his young master.
“Where’s Rover?” Barron asked.
“Where are the boys?” Melania asked. “You don’t think they…”
Donny Jr and Eric came out of the kitchen, chuckling and laughing, carrying a bag of chips and a bottle of soda each. They saw their family was home, and they tried, yet failed, to keep their laughter under control.
“What did you two ninnies do with the dog?” Donald asked.
“He’s fine!” Donny Jr said.
“Yeah!” Eric added. “He’s just in the kitchen on his bed.”
“Like we did something to him,” Donny Jr said, snorting and heading upstairs to his room.
“Yeah!” Eric added.
The rest of the family waited for a moment before heading into the kitchen. They found Rover there, staring off, a look of pure horror on his face. He didn’t even react to the family’s appearance until Barron knelt next to him. “Are you OK, boy?” he asked.
Rover turned his head slowly, his eyes wide open, unblinking. He only looked at Barron for a moment before turning and staring off again.
“Rover?” Barron asked.
“I’m still hungry,” Donald said. “Anyone up for an Arby’s run?”
“What could those two have done to that dog in the two hours we were out?” Melania asked, sitting in the living room with Donald, Ivanka, and Jared. Donny Jr and Eric were still in their room, and Barron was in his, attempting to coax some kind of reaction out of his dog.
“There’s no telling with those two,” Ivanka replied. “I love them dearly, but they’ve always been a little… I think ‘evil’ might be too strong of a word here. I can’t think of the word that means you’re evil but don’t know it.”
“The boys are fine,” Donald said through a mouthful of curly fries. “They’re just joined at the foreskin is all. It’s that damn dog that has problems.”
“The dog was OK until Donny Jr and Eric watched him,” Melania said. She turned to Ivanka. “Is there a reason those two are like this?”
“I really don’t know,” Ivanka said. “I do know Donny Jr was born ass-first; and Eric was supposed to be triplets, but he ate the others in the womb.”
“Fake news,” Donald said. “You can’t prove any of that.”
“I used to have to hide my dolls when we were growing up,” Ivanka said. “Otherwise, they’d ejaculate all over them all.”
“Yeah,” Donald said, looking away. “That was definitely just them.”
“They’ve gone too far this time,” Melania said. “I can deal with the wrestling and them having sex with each other…”
“They do not have sex with each other!” Donald snapped. “Nobody has even seen them do that! I don’t care what their old gym teacher thought he saw! It wasn’t proven then, and you can’t prove it now!”
“But,” Melania continued, “I can’t deal with them torturing that poor dog.”
“Do they really have sex with each other?” Jared asked.
“There’s only one person who can deal with them,” Ivanka said. “It’s long past time to get her involved.”
“No!” Donald said, dropping his roast beef sandwich onto his plate. “You are not calling her!”
“Who?” Melania asked.
“My mother,” Ivanka replied.
“No,” Donald repeated, shaking his head. “You are not calling Ivana. Absolutely not.”
Jared looked from Ivanka to Melania and back again. “Wait,” he said. “This isn’t your mother?”
“Melania is my stepmother,” Ivanka said. “How are you asking this? You’ve met my mother.”
“There’s not reason to involve Ivana!” Donald said, standing. “End of discussion.”
“Melania?” Ivanka asked. “What do you think?”
All eyes were on Melania as she weighed the question. She sighed and finally answered. “Call her,” she said, looking away from her husband.
“WHAT?!” Donald roared. “You’d bring that witch back into our lives?!”
“Did you see what your sons have done to Barron!?” Melania exclaimed. “If she can deal with them, then I’m more than happy to have her try.”
Donald picked up what was left of his sandwich and walked away. “Fine,” he said. “But I don’t have to be polite about it!” He stormed upstairs and into his office.
“He’ll be OK,” Ivanka said. “He’s all bluster, but he’s a sweetheart.”
Melania looked at Ivanka. “You’re talking about your father?”
The doorbell rang, and Melania left the kitchen to open it, wiping the remnants of her latest cry from her cheeks. She smoothed the wrinkles from her housedress and opened the door. She saw a face she recognized but didn’t see often: her husband’s first ex-wife, Ivana. She was wearing a blue coat and had her blonde hair in a bun.
“Hi, Melania,” Ivana said, a little awkward. “It’s good to see you again.”
“Yes,” Melania replied. “I mean thank you. It’s good to see you too. Come in, please.”
“Thank you,” Ivana said. “Ivanka filled me in on what’s going on. You’re having trouble with the boys?”
“Yes,” Melania replied. “I know they’re your sons; and I feel bad saying anything, but I don’t know what to do about them. Did Ivanka tell you what they did to the dog?”
“Only that they traumatized it,” Ivana said. “What did they do?”
“I don’t know,” Melania said. “All I can think of are the most horrible things. Rover was perfectly fine when we left, and he’s sat in the corner with that sad look on his face ever since they spent two hours alone with him. Could they have… sexually assaulted him?”
“I don’t know,” Ivana said, no hint of a polite smile on her face. “They had hamsters when they were young, but they all disappeared. We never found out what happened to them, either.”
Melania looked at Ivana, a look of pure horror on her face. “Oh my,” she said. “That’s dark.”
“How’s Donald handling them right now?” Ivana asked.
“He’s not,” Melania sighed. “He’s acting like there’s nothing wrong with what’s going on, as usual.”
“Right,” Ivana said. “That’s Donald’s specialty. If it’s going to cause him any kind of grief, he acts like it’s not a problem. That’s what made the marriage to him so hard.”
Melania looked away.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Ivan said. “I didn’t mean to insinuate anything.”
“It’s nothing,” Melania said. “Do you want to talk to Donny Jr and Eric? They’re in the backyard.”
“Sure,” Ivana said. “I’ll have a chat with them.”
“…AND HE’S ON THE TOP ROPE!” Eric exclaimed, climbing the picnic table in his backyard. “THE CROWD IS ON THEIR FEET!”
“Just do it already!” Donny Jr said, lying on the grass. He had been fake laid-out by a clothesline from his brother.
Eric obliged Donny Jr’s offer, leaping from the top of the picnic table, slamming his elbow in his brother’s stomach as his body hit the grassy ground. The both writhed in pain from the move.
“That was awesome,” Eric groaned, pulling himself into a crawling position, but I think I broke my spine. Donny Jr turned over to reply, but only a deluge of vomit game from his mouth, soaking the grass.
“Dude!” Eric said, getting up. “You almost got me with that!”
“Hi, boys,” Ivana said, walking up to her two sons. They stopped writhing on the ground and looked up.
“Holy shit!” Donny Jr said, scrambling to his feet.
“Language!” Ivana snapped. “I need to talk to you two. Sit down.”
Eric moved to the picnic bench and sat down next to Donny Jr, who had a little vomit on his chin. “What is it, Mom?” he asked.
Ivana looked at them, arms crossed against her bosoms. “The bullshit ends now,” she said. “Understand?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Donny Jr said.
“Don’t play dumb with me!” Ivana said. “I don’t know what you did to that dog, and you’re lucky I don’t. If I find out you’re molesting animals, I’ll call the police myself.”
Donny Jr and Eric giggled.
“I’m not joking!” Ivana snapped. Her sons stopped laughing.
“You’re forty years old, Donny!” Ivana continued. She turned toward Eric. “And you’re thirty-four! You’re both too old to be acting like this. Your father gave you a decent job, and all you do is goof around and destroy the psyches of dogs.”
“It was just one dog,” Eric muttered.
“I said I’m not joking!” Ivana said. “I’m going to stay in touch with your stepmother, and I’m going to make sure you’re going to work, helping around the house and leaving her son alone. Do you understand me?”
“Yes, Mom,” Donny Jr and Eric said in unison.
“Good,” Ivana said. “Come on. Let me buy you guys dinner while I’m here.”
Donald was watching Fox News with Melania when his oldest sons came home from dinner with their mother. “Hi Dad,” they muttered.
Donald grunted, keeping his eyes on the television.
“How was dinner with your mother?” Melania asked, turning toward them, eliciting a sideways stink-eye from her husband.
“It was good,” Donny Jr said.
“Yeah,” Eric agreed. “It’s so nice to catch up with mom when she’s in town.”
“We’re going to clean up so we can get to bed early,” Donny Jr said. “We want to go into the office to make up for the time we’ve missed.”
“Really?” Donald asked, finally breaking his staring contest with the television. “You two are going to show up for work early?”
“Bright and early!” Eric said. “Things are going to be different from here on!”
“So you’re gonna stop eating your boogers?” Donny Jr asked.
Eric punched his brother’s arm. “Shut up, Diaper Donny!”
“I haven’t wet the bed in months!” Donny Jr said, putting his brother in a headlock.
“BOYS!” Donald bellowed.
Donny Jr and Eric stopped their wrestling and broke apart. They looked at each other and shook hands. “Sorry,” Donny Jr said.
“Likewise,” Eric said, giving a little bow.
“You two said you have shit to do upstairs, right?” Donald asked. His sons got the hint and made their way toward their room. “Jackasses.”
“I’m glad they’re turning over a new leaf,” Melania smiled.
“I give them a week or two at most,” Donald said. “Then they’ll be back to their asshole ways.”
There was a whine from the corner, where Rover sat, still staring.
“Is that dog still at it?” Donald asked. “Where the Hell is Barron?”
“He’s upstairs, playing with his dolls,” Melania said. “I think he’s given up on Rover. There wasn’t anything he could do for him after all.”
“I was afraid of this,” Donald said, taking his phone off the end table and starting a text message.
“What are you doing?” Melania asked.
“Mike and I were talking about this at work today,” Donald replied, “and he knows just what to do in situations like these. Don’t worry. Like everything around here; I’ll take care of it.”
A red Lexus pulled into a highway rest stop parking lot. The driver side door opened, and Mike Pence stepped out. He was followed by Donald, who came from the passenger side. “Thanks for helping,” Donald said.
“No problem,” Mike said, opening the back door and leading Rover out by his collar.
“Take that thing off,” Donald said. “It has my address on it.”
Mike nodded and took the collar off Rover’s neck. “Go on, boy,” he said, slapping the dog on the ass. “You’re free now!”
“He won’t listen,” Donald said. “He’ll just sit there like a lump of sad shit.”
“OK,” Mike said, turning away from the dog.
“Mikey?!” a deep, gruff voice said, coming from the bushes. “Is that you, honey?”
“Get back in the car, Don!” Mike said.
“Who is that?” Donald asked.
“Get back in the car!” Mike said. “We have to go, now!”
Donald did as Mike said, getting in the car. The second the doors were closed, Mike sped off, leaving a sad dog to watch them leave.
“Oh, hi,” the man said, wearing only leather shorts, coming from the bushes. “Did you scare Mikey off on me?” He put his hand near Rover’s nose.
Rover sniffed the man’s hand, decided he was as friend, and gave him a lick.
“Come on, boy,” the man said. “This is no place for you. I have a big yard at home with plenty of chipmunks for you to chase.” The man went toward his car in the parking lot, and Rover followed. For the first time in days, his tail wagged.