The Trumps – Mint Jared (because he’s on the lamb)
The Trumps is a work of “fiction,” a “satire,” a “parody.” Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely “coincidental,” and this story is not meant to bear any political opinions.
“Where’s that no-good son of a bitch husband of yours?!” Donald shouted, barging into Ivanka’s office, his face a shade of red reserved for most inane of rages. “I’m gonna wring that weasel’s neck when I get my hands on him!”
“Calm down, Dad,” Ivanka said, getting up and carefully approaching her father. “I’m sure whatever Jared did is fixable. Just tell me, and I can help you. Just please calm down first.”
“It’s Vlad from the factory across town,” Donald said. “He tricked Jared into giving him my trade secrets!”
“Isn’t Vlad your friend?” Ivanka asked. “I thought you guys talk shop all the time, and didn’t he help you win the -”
“Yes,” Donald snapped. “But this is different!”
Ivanka sighed and pulled her cell phone from her pocket. “Let me call him,” she said. “We’ll sit down and talk about this. I’m sure the damage isn’t too bad.” She put the phone to her ear, and her face dropped as she listened. She clicked the phone off and pulled it away from her head.
“What’s that look for?” Donald asked.
“I got his voicemail,” Ivanka said. “Jared changed the outgoing message.”
“And?” Donald asked, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Jared is upset about what happened,” Ivanka replied, “and he’s run away from home.”
Created, Written, and Directed by Budgerigar Orville Bigelow
Season 1, Episode 4: Mint Jared (because he’s on the lamb)
Jared sat on a park bench, holding a bag of white bread he had just purchased at the corner store. He opened it up and started breaking up the bread, tossing it to the pigeons. “You guys still like me,” he said, “even though I’m a complete screw-up.”
The pigeons didn’t answer. They remained silent, save the occasional coo, as they pecked at the crumbs of bread in the grass. “I’m going to miss you guys,” Jared said, tears forming in his eyes. “I’m leaving and going far away. Maybe I’ll go south, and I’ll see you in the winter.”
The pigeons continued to eat their meal as a group of four pre-teens walked by Jared’s bench. “Hey,” one of them said. “This is our spot.”
“OK,” Jared said, getting up. “I don’t want any trouble, guys.”
“That’s too bad,” another said, cracking his knuckles, “because you just found it, you little bitch.”
“We’re going to have to spread out,” Ivanka told her family: her father Donald, stepmother Melania, and her brothers Donny Jr, Eric, and Barron. “He likely went to the park to feed the pigeons, but we need to find him before he leaves.”
“Jared is a grown man,” Donald said. “We don’t need to go through all this to-do just because he ran away from home like a ten-year-old broad.”
“Aren’t you worried about him?” Melania asked.
“Yeah, I’m worried,” Donald replied. “I’m worried we’ll actually find him and I’ll have to put him back to work.”
“Daddy!” Ivanka said. “Jared is doing a great job! I should know. I’m his supervisor!”
“You’re our supervisor too,” Eric said.
“Yeah,” Donny said. “And we’re doing terrible!”
“How do we know Jared even wants to be found?” Barron asked. “When I… If I ran away, the last thing I’d want is you guys looking for me.”
“Jared is like a lost puppy dog,” Ivanka said, “alone, scared, and adorable.”
“Yeah,” Melania muttered. “Keep treating him like a puppy dog, and he’ll never act like a man.”
“More like ‘stupid, annoying, and pisses on the floor’,” Donald said. “If we’re lucky, the pound will pick him up and put him to sleep.”
“Don’t say that,” Ivanka said. “Jared took his backpack, his binder of Pokémon cards, and a bottle of Mountain Dew. He switched his phone off, too. That means he doesn’t plan on coming home.”
“What do we do?” Melania asked.
“We split up and cover as much ground as possible,” Ivanka replied. “I’ll go with Dad, you go with Barron, and Donny Jr and Eric will go together.”
“Can we get this over with?” Donald asked.
“Alright,” Ivanka said. “Let’s get moving.”
Jared sat behind a building, holding his face with his left hand. He tried to run away from the kids who came by his bench, but they were to fast for him. They caught up with him a hundred feet down the path and took him down. Two held his arms while the others went through his backpack, stealing his Pokémon cards and his Mountain Dew.
“Bunch of jerks,” Jared said, sniffing back the tears. “I’ll come back and get them. I’ll get them all.”
Normally, he’d tell Ivanka about the bullies at the park who picked on him, and she’d tell their parents. She may have even been able to get his binder back for him, and she’d buy him an ice cream cone to make him feel better. But he couldn’t go back to that life, not now that her father hated him so much.
“You sound lost,” a voice said. Jared turned and saw a homeless guy lying under a filthy blanket.
“Why are you under the blanket?” Jared asked. “It’s too late to be sleeping.”
“I can help you get some revenge,” the homeless man said. “I’ll trade you a switchblade for a bottle of vodka.”
“I don’t have any vodka,” Jared replied.
“Then go get me one!” the homeless man exclaimed. “The security at the package store across the street is a joke, but they won’t let me in anymore. I bet you can walk in, pocket a bottle, and get it back here with no problem.”
“Stealing?” Jared asked. “Stealing is wrong.”
“Then I guess we don’t have a deal,” the homeless man said. “So get the fuck out of my alley unless you have a bottle for me.”
Jared left the alley, scared that the homeless man would use his switchblade on him. He saw the liquor store across the street. “I’m taking back my life,” he said, marching toward it. “Starting right now!”
“Do we really need to find this loser?” Eric asked, walking through the park with his brother. “I don’t feel like it.”
“Me neither,” Donny Jr said, “but they’ll just bother us if we don’t at least look for him.”
“Let’s just look for a little bit,” Eric said. “Then we’ll go wrestle by the monkey bars.”
“Yeah,” Donny Jr said. He walked down the path and saw a group of boys sitting on a bench with a binder in front of them. “Hey,” he whispered. “That looks like Jared’s binder.”
Eric followed Donny Jr’s gaze. “There’s a ‘JK’ on the front in marker,” he said. “That’s definitely his binder.”
“Hey,” Donny Jr said to the kids on the bench. “You guys like Pokémon?”
“Get lost, old man,” one of the kids said, waving a hand.
“That was rude,” Eric said. “You gonna take that?”
“I don’t think I am,” Donny Jr said. “Especially not from some snot-nosed little ass-butt who thinks it’s cool to steal someone else’s shit.”
The boy closed the binder and placed it on the bench next to him. “You want your butt-buddy’s cards back?” the kid asked, standing and stepping up to Donny Jr. “You’re going to have to take it from us.”
“OK,” Donny Jr said. He punched the kid in the face. “GET ‘EM!”
Eric joined in, kicking another of the kid’s in the stomach while he was looking at his fallen friend. He grabbed another by his hair, swinging him into the air like a rag doll, and throwing him ten feet where he hit the ground with a thump. Donny Jr put the last one in a headlock. “Tell me where he went!”
“Who?!” the kid pleased.
Donny Jr punched him in the gut. “The guy you stole the cards from!”
The kid sobbed through his gags. “He ran off!” he shouted, lifting a shaking hand and pointing. “He went that way!”
“Thank you,” Donny Jr said. He let the kid go and punched him in the nose. Blood spurt out as the kid fell backward.
“Come on,” Eric said, grabbing Donny Jr’s shoulder. “Let’s get out of here!”
Donny Jr grabbed the Pokémon binder and ran away from the four unconscious pre-teen forms that were lying on the ground. “Dude!” he said.
“What?” Eric panted.
“I’m totally keeping these cards!” Donny Jr said. He laughed along with his brother as they ran away.
Jared walked through the liquor store. He had never been in one before. All he ever drank was mimosas or sherry, but he had never actually bought it. He found the bottles of vodka, and he looked around. He seemed to be unnoticed, so he took the bottle and put it under the back of his shirt, letting his belt hold it in place while he successfully hid it from view.
“Hey!” a voice shouted. “You’re stealing from me?!”
Jared noticed the curved mirror on the ceiling, and a brown-skinned man in a turban walked into the aisle, arms crossed across his chest. “Oh no,” he said. “A terrorist!”
“What the fuck did you just call me?!” the man asked, approaching him. “I’ll show you a goddamn terrorist, you little creep!”
Jared panicked and ran, but the brown-skinned man chased him. Jared nearly tripped over a stand of wine, and the bottle of vodka fell out of his shirt, shattering on the floor. The man chasing him slid in the vodka, falling into the liquor and broken glass, cursing.
Jared didn’t turn to help or see what kind of damage was done. He pushed open the door and ran outside into the afternoon sunshine.
Melania drove through the neighborhood slowly while Barron sat in the front seat. “Jared!” he called. “JARED!”
“He’s not a puppy,” Melania said, “and it’s time we stop treating him like one.”
“Then why are we looking for him like a lost puppy?” Barron asked, turning away from the open window.
“Pay attention,” Melania said.
Barron went back to the window, looking for his brother in law. He didn’t even last half a minute before turning back toward his mother. “You don’t like Ivanka, do you?” he asked.
“Why would you ask something like that?” Melania asked in return.
“Because she’s not your daughter,” Barron replied.
“That doesn’t matter,” Melania said. “She’s your father’s daughter, and that’s enough for me.”
“You think Jared is smarter than he seems?” Barron asked.
“What do you mean?” Melania replied, turning onto Elm Street.
“He’s not a Trump,” Barron said. “Maybe he’s better off getting away from all this.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Melania said. “He loves Ivanka, and your father employs him. He’s an idiot for trying to leave, and he’ll realize it before dinnertime.”
“We’re not Trumps either, Mom,” Barron continued. “We can leave too, like Jared.”
“We are Trumps,” Melania said.
“We’re not Trumps like the others,” Barron said. “Even Tiffany lives on the West Coast, and she only sees Dad twice a year. We don’t have to go home. Just keep going, Mom. Find the highway, and just drive. Do what we both know Jared won’t.”
Melania watched the road silently. She approached the main road, the one that would take her to the highway. She stayed in the left lane, the lane that would take her far away, leaving Donald and the rest of his family, in the rearview mirror. Just before the turn, she straightened the car and stayed on the main road. “Let’s find Jared,” she said. “He can’t have gone too far.”
Barron sighed, looking out the window. “OK, Mom,” he said.
Jared stopped to catch his breath. The world was dangerous when he was on his own, and he had barely gone more than a couple of miles from his street. He hadn’t even figured out where the train station was yet. He had been beaten up and mugged by a gang, turned to a life of crime, and nearly become a victim of terrorism, all because he couldn’t face what he had done at work.
The only recourse Jared had was to finally accept the consequence for what he had done.
Jared took in a deep breath and walked toward his father-in-law’s home.
Donald and Ivanka walked down the street. They had driven a few miles before deciding to walk to find Jared. They were going to Scoops of Love, Jared’s favorite ice cream parlor. “You don’t have to be so hard on Jared,” Ivanka said out of nowhere.
“Who’s Jared?” Donald asked. “Do you mean that moron you married?”
“He means well,” Ivanka continued. “He looks up to you. That’s why he was talking to Vlad. He wants to be like you, so he was doing what he thought you would do.”
“He shouldn’t do what I would do,” Donald said. “He needs to be his own man and do what I say.”
“This was my fault, Dad,” Ivanka said. “I’m the one who put him in touch with Vlad.”
“What?” Donald asked, turning toward his daughter. “Why would you do that?”
“I wanted him to be more like you,” Ivanka said. “I wanted you to respect him more.”
“You should have just said so,” Donald said. “Do I have to tell someone I respect them? Why is he so needy that he has to get praise to do a good job?”
“It’s just the way he is,” Ivanka said. “If you spent some time with him, you’d probably see what I see.”
“That’s gross,” Donald said.
Ivanka laughed. “That’s not what I mean,” she said. “But thanks.”
Donald smiled, taking his daughter’s hand in his own, walking down the street. “Don’t worry, sweetheart,” he said. “We’ll find him.”
“I know,” Ivanka said.
They came across a liquor store, and there was an ambulance parked outside of it. A stretcher emerged from the store, and a man with a turban was wheeled out, his arms bandaged up. “Will you look at that?” Donald asked.
“Yeah,” Ivanka said. “That’s a shame. What do you think happened?”
“Someone did the neighborhood a favor,” Donald replied. “The last thing we need around here is terrorists. Maybe he’ll get the point and go back to where he came from.”
“Oh, Daddy,” Ivanka said, walking away with her father.
“Screw Jared,” Donald said. “Let me buy you an ice cream.”
Ivanka pulled into the driveway at the same time as Melania. Donny Jr and Eric were walking toward the house from the direction of the park. They all met in front of the house. “Any luck?” Ivanka asked.
“We didn’t find him,” Melania replied. “We drove all over the place, too.”
“Same with us,” Ivanka said. “How about you two?”
“No luck,” Donny Jr said.
“Isn’t that Jared’s Pokémon binder?” Ivanka asked.
“No,” Donny Jr replied, covering up Jared’s initials with his hand. “This is my binder.”
“We’ll print up some flyers and put them around the neighborhood tomorrow,” Ivanka said. “We’ll offer a fifty-dollar reward if anyone can bring him home.”
“Yeah,” Barron muttered to his mother. “He’s definitely not a puppy, right?”
Donald walked to his front door and opened it, and the family went inside. They all found somewhere comfortable to sit in the living room. “I’m glad that’s over,” Donald said. “I have some business associates you can meet, Ivanka. You’ll need a new husband, right?”
“I’m still worried about Jared,” Ivanka said. “He’s never run away like this before.”
“Yes he has,” Donny Jr said.
“Yeah,” Eric added. “Remember the time he couldn’t get wrestling tickets? He ran off and turned up four hours later when nobody went looking for him.”
“He’s just an attention whore,” Donny Jr said.
“Stop it!” Ivanka snapped. “He’s my husband, and he’s gone missing! Can you at least try to understand what I’m feeling right now?”
“What’s going on in here?” Jared asked, coming from the kitchen with a bowl of cereal. Everyone turned to him, dumbfounded.
“Jared!” Ivanka said, running to him and wrapping her arms around his body. “I was so worried!”
“Careful!” Jared said. “I’ll spill my cereal!”
“He’s eating our Lucky Charms,” Eric whispered to Donny Jr.
“Why’d he come here anyway?” Donny Jr said. “He doesn’t even live here.”
“Come on,” Ivanka said, taking the bowl and putting it on the coffee table. “Let’s get you home and in the tub.”
“Wait a second,” Donald said, getting up. “He was here while we were out looking for him, and we’re going to just shrug it off?! Where’s my justice?! Why is he going to make me look bad by looking for him!?”
“Sorry, Daddy,” Ivanka said. “We’ll see you at work tomorrow.”
“Sure,” Donald said. “Whatever. See you tomorrow.”
“That’s it?!” Donny Jr exclaimed. “After all that?!”
“Hey,” Jared said, passing Donny Jr on his way to the door with Ivanka. “You found my Pokémon binder!”
“Oh,” Donny Jr said, a look of disappointment on his face. “Yeah.”
“Thanks,” Jared said, taking the binder from Donny Jr. “I’d be lost without these cards.”
“Don’t worry about that son-in-law of mine, Vlad,” Donald said, talking on his cellphone at his desk. “My daughter put him up to that phone call. If you need anything, you call me. Ok? Good.” He hung up his phone and let out a sigh. He only had a momentary rest when he was joined by Ivanka and Jared.
“Hi, Daddy,” Ivanka said. “Jared has something to say to you.”
“What?” Donald asked.
“I’m sorry, sir,” Jared said, looking down. “I won’t talk to Vlad anymore.”
“And?” Donald asked.
“I won’t run away again,” Jared replied.
“I don’t care if you run away,” Donald said. “Just don’t expect me to go looking for you next time, OK? Do you understand what that means?”
“What?” Jared asked.
“If you get lost again,” Donald replied, “stay lost.”
“OK,” Jared said. “Sorry, sir.”
“Daddy,” Ivanka said, giving her father a look.
Donald sighed, rolling his eyes. “You’re doing a good job, Jared,” he said. He turned back to Ivanka. “Happy now?”
“What’s he talking about?” Jared asked.
“Oh, Daddy,” Ivanka said, shaking her head and smiling.