The Trumps – Sensual Misconduct
The Trumps is a work of “fiction,” a “satire,” a “parody.” Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely “coincidental”, and this story is not meant to bear any political opinions.
Barron ran through the door, slamming it shut. He kept running, straight up the stairs and into his room, slamming that door,too,
for good measure. Donald and Melania looked at each other from their spots on the couch. “What’s up with him?” Donald asked.
“I really have no idea,” Melania said. “I’ve been here the whole time with you.”
“How old is he now, seven?” Donald asked.
“He’s twelve,” Melania replied.
“There’s only one thing that could be bothering him, then,” Donald said, standing. “Girls. And if I know anything, it’s girls. I’m going to have a talk with him.”
Melania got up too. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” she said. “Let me talk to him.”
Donald put on a stupid face and laughed. “You’re going to have that talk with him? Do yourself a favor, honey, stay out of this. This is one subject where I’m the expert. OK? I’m going to go up there, sit him down, and tell him everything he needs to know. I have good advice. The best. Nobody has better advice than me.”
“OK!” Melania said, putting her hands up. “I give up. Go advise your son for God’s sake.”
“OK,” Donald said, smugly turning around and walking upstairs. “The kid’s gonna drown in pussy when I get done with him.”
Created, Written, and Directed by Budgerigar Orville Bigelow
Season 1, Episode 3: Sensual Misconduct
Donald opened Barron’s door and walked into his room, finding his youngest son curled up on his bed in the fetal position, staring at the wall. “Hey,” Donald said, sitting on the bed. “I’ve had my fair share of bad days, kid, so I know what you’re going through. Do you wanna talk about it?”
“No,” Barron said, continuing his staring at the wall. “Go away.”
“Don’t be like that,” Donald said. “I know what this is. It’s a girl, right?”
Barron was silent for a moment, then finally turned around and sat up, looking at his father. “Yeah,” he said. “There’s a girl at school named Missy. I like her, but she barely knows I exist. I tried talking to her today, and she just walked away, like I was a ghost.”
“So you got shot down,” Donald said. “It happens to me sometimes too, but I don’t let it get me down. I just wear ‘em down until they see they have no choice but to do what I ask, or put up with the harassment.”
“Wait,” Barron said. “You’re married to mom, but it sounds like you’re still doing this.”
“Listen, kid,” Donald said. “Stop asking questions. I’m going to tell you how to score with this Missy broad. All you have to do is find out where she changes after gym, walk in like you own the place, and just start kissing her.”
“Why would she want me to go into the girls’ locker room and do that?” Barron asked.
“She’ll be naked, right?” Donald asked.
“I guess,” Barron replied.
“All women want men to see them naked,” Donald said. “They want you to see them. It makes them feel like you appreciate their bodies, meaning you appreciate them.”
“Oh,” Barron said.
“Then you kiss them, sensually,” Donald continued. “You just start and don’t stop. They might say no and try to get away at first, but you don’t stop. It’s all a game. After a minute, they’ll start to like it. But you have to remember to be sensual about it!”
“Is that how you met Mom?” Barron asked.
“No,” Donald said. “My marriage to your mother is more of an arrangement. I picked her out in a catalog. Let me tell you how that all works…”
The doorbell rang, and Melania rose from the couch to see who it was. She opened the door to find the neighbor, Robert Mueller, standing on their front porch. “Hello, Mister Mueller,” she said. “What can I do for you?”
“I was hoping to find your husband,” Mueller said, “but this may have worked out for the better.”
“What do you mean?” Melania asked.
“There’s a prostitute who goes by the name Dani Weathers,” Mueller replied. “Have you heard of her?”
“Can’t say I have,” Melania said. “What’s this have to do with Donald?”
“It has everything to do with Donald,” Mueller replied. “You see, your husband hasn’t been faithful. He’s been gallivanting around with this Weathers woman. I almost have my proof, but I’ll let him resign from the Neighborhood Association before I go public with it if he wants. Will you tell him that for me?”
“OK,” Melania said, shocked by the accusation.
“Thank you,” Mueller said. “Don’t forget: if he resigns, I won’t tell anyone about his affair with the prostitute.”
“I got it,” Melania said.
“Are you sure you don’t want to write it down?” Mueller said.
Melania closed the door, harder than she meant to. She stood there for a moment, took a breath, and went off to find her husband.
“…and you just keep kissing them,” Donald said. “They love it.”
“So that’s how to make Missy like me?” Barron asked.
“Oh yeah,” Donald said. “And if that doesn’t work, just walk up to her and grab her by the -”
“Donald,” Melania said, coming into Barron’s room. “I need to speak with you.”
“It’s gonna have to wait,” Donald said. “I’m teaching Barron about the birds and the bees.”
“We need to talk. Now,” Melania said.
“This is another lesson,” Donald said, getting up from Barron’s bed. “Don’t ever let a woman sink her claws into you.”
“Right,” Barron said. “I won’t, Dad. Thank you.”
“No problem, kiddo,” Donald said. He left Barron’s room and closed the door, turning to face Melania. “And what’s so damn important that you had to interrupt our bondage?”
“Do you mean ‘bonding?’ ” Melania asked in return.
“What do you want?” Donald asked.
“Mister Mueller came by just now,” Melania said.
“What did that lying slime-ball want?” Donald asked.
“He’s claiming there’s a woman named Dani Weathers,” Melania said. “A hooker.”
“He’s a lying slime-ball!” Donald shouted, his face reddening like a constipated infant.
“You said that already!” Melania shouted in return. “He says he’s going to produce this woman if you don’t step down as Neighborhood Association President.”
“There is no woman,” Donald said. “Mueller is shady. Wow! When will he finally give up with this phony baloney witch hunt of his? Sad.”
“So there’s no woman?” Melania asked.
“No!” Donald exclaimed. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! There is no woman. It’s just a sad lie from a sad man. You know how they like their fake news about me. They haven’t stopped since Crooked Hillary lost the Neighborhood Association election to me last year. But what about what she was up to? What about the lies and the scandal. And don’t get me started on the women her husband was sleeping with. Four of them, Mel! FOUR!”
“OK,” Melania said. “I believe you!”
“Good,” Donald said, the redness finally leaving his face. “Let’s go see what’s on TV.”
Barron stood outside the door to the girls’ locker room. He knew Missy was inside, changing after after-school volleyball practice. The butterflies in his stomach were fluttering around like they were on meth, and his heart was beating faster than it ever had before. He had his reservations about what he was about to do, but his father had told him this was how it was done. He held his breath and pushed through the door.
It took Barron little time to find Missy, just putting on her backpack. He had waited too long, and she was dressed. If he had been quicker he would have been able to see her body and she’d know how much he appreciated it, just like his father had told him. Missy spotted him as he approached. “Barron?” she asked. “What are you -”
Barron pushed himself forward, putting his lips against Missy’s. She tried to back away, but he grabbed her by the hips. He did what his father had done, what he had always done. He wasn’t sure if the kiss was sensual enough, but he had resolved to keep kissing her, even though Missy so badly wanted to get away.
Then, Barron was on the ground, his face in pain. She had socked him, good and hard in his left cheek. He got up, knowing he would disappoint his father if he let this minor speedbump get in the way of love. He moved back toward Missy, and she shoved him off with both hands.
“Get the fuck away from me you little creep!” Missy shouted, rushing past him and out of the locker room. Barron watched her go, the aura of rejection, disappointment, and woe around him.
“I don’t care what you have to do!” Donald said, sitting in his home office and shouting into the phone. “She signed a goddam nondisclosure agreement! How the hell is she talking to Mueller about this!?”
“No!” he shouted, slamming a fist on the table. “You’re my lawyer, so you deal with her! She took the money to keep her filthy whore mouth shut! If she blabs one word I’m suing her ass off!”
Donald listened again.
“I don’t care how bad it looks!” he shouted, louder than before. “Make this bitch go away! If you can’t do it, I’m calling in Rudy to clean this shit up!” He slammed the phone down on the desk and put his face in his hands. He didn’t even notice Barron walk into the room.
“Dad?” Barron asked. “Are you OK?”
“Yeah,” Donald said, straightening up. “Just work stuff. What’s up, son?”
“I think I’m in trouble,” Barron said. “I did what you said with Missy, but she got mad and pushed me away. Then she ran off. I think she’s going to tell on me.”
“There’s a lot of that going around,” Donald muttered.
“What?” Barron asked.
“Look,” Donald said. “You need to get her to sign something, a contract. It needs to say two things: That it never happened, and she can’t talk about it.”
“How can I get her to sign if she hates me?” Barron asked.
“That’s easy,” Donald replied. “You have to give them something they really want, like cold, hard cash.”
“But what do I give Missy to make her sign?” Barron asked. “I don’t have too much money. I’m twelve.”
“I don’t know what girls that age want!” Donald said, getting up and leading Barron toward the door to the hallway. “I haven’t dated a girl your age since I was in my thirties. Run along and draft up your agreement. I have grown-up stuff to do.”
“OK,” Barron said, getting ushered out of his father’s study. “Thanks, Dad.”
“Don’t mention it,” Donald said, closing the door with a firm click.
Barron rushed through the halls to find Missy before she had the chance to tell on him, unless she already had. In his hand was the contract he’d stayed up all night typing up. If he could find Missy, he’d be able to talk her into signing before homeroom started, and he wouldn’t be in trouble for what he had done. He finally found her, taking her books out of her locker and putting them into her backpack.
“Missy!” Barron called, running up to her.
“I’ll scream,” Missy said, backing away.
“I’m not going to kiss you,” Barron said. “I just want to know if you told on me yesterday.”
“Not yet,” Missy replied, “but I will if you don’t leave me alone.”
“I just want to talk to you for a minute,” Barron said. “Please.”
“What?” Missy asked, getting annoyed.
“I want to make a deal with you about what happened yesterday,” he replied.
Missy looked at Barron and noticed the papers he was carrying. “What kind of deal?”
“So I get the comic books listed here,” Missy said, handing Barron the papers she just printed from the school’s computer lab printer, “and in return, I don’t tell the principal what you did to me in the locker room.”
Barron looked over the newly edited contract. He was losing some of his oldest and most favorite comics, but he was willing to do it to stay out of trouble. “Deal,” he said. He fumbled for his backpack and brought out a pen. “Just sign it,” he said.
Missy took the pen from Barron when the computer lab door opened. Principal Johnston came lumbering in. “This lab isn’t open for student use,” he said. “Why are you in here and not in class?”
“I…uh…” Barron stammered.
Principal Johnston saw the papers, snatching them up before Barron or Missy could grab them first. “What’s this?” he asked, eying the contract. “Is this a nondisclosure agreement? You did what?!”
“Um….” Barron said.
“Come to my office,” Principal Johnston said, dragging Barron out of the computer lab by his arm. “I think a phone call to your parents is in order. You’ll be lucky if you’re not expelled for this!”
Donald and Melania walked through the halls of Barron’s private school, making a beeline toward the Principal’s office. “This better be good,” Donald said, entering the office. “I better not have been pulled from the office for a bunch of bullshit.”
“They’re going to expel our son!” Melania said. “Maybe use a little decorum.”
“You think I don’t have decorum?” Donald said, approaching the secretary’s desk. “I have the best decorum! Everyone says so!”
“Can I help you?” the secretary asked.
“Principal Johnston called us in,” Donald said. “So we came. Go grab him for us, sweetheart.”
“You can go right in,” the secretary said, giving Donald a sideways look. “Your son is in there with him now.”
Donald snapped his fingers and walked past the secretary into Principal Johnston’s office. His son was already there, sitting in one of the seats in front of the Principal’s desk. There were two more chairs set up on either side of him. “Welcome,” Principal Johnston said, shaking Melania’s hand and then Donald’s. “It’s a pleasure to meet you both. I just wish this were under better circumstances.”
“Maybe for you,” Donald said. “You wanna fill me in on what’s going on here?”
“I’m very seriously considering expelling your son from my school,” Principal Johnston replied. “That’s what’s going on.”
“For what?” Donald asked.
“Sexual misconduct,” Principal Johnston replied.
“Ha!” Donald laughed.
“Is something funny?” Principal Johnston asked.
“Donald…” Melania groaned.
“What proof do you have that anything like that even happened?” Donald said. “Sounds like a bunch of made up stories to me.”
“I found your son along with a girl in the computer lab,” Principal Johnston said. “I walked in on him trying to get her to sign a form, stating that in exchange for some comic books, she wouldn’t turn him in for forcing himself on her.” Principal Johnston handed Donald the contract that Barron had made.
“Oh,” Donald said, glancing at the paperwork. “So you don’t have proof this happened.”
“You’re holding it,” Principal Johnston said.
“Look,” Donald continued. “I have some paper with a bunch of words on it. I don’t see any physical proof anything happened. For all I know, this girl is trying to extort comic books from my son. This is a total con job!”
“With all due respect,” Principal Johnston said. “I still found him with a nondisclosure agreement on school property.”
“You mean this contract I’m holding?” Donald asked.
“Yes,” Principal Johnston replied.
Donald tore up the papers in his hand and stuffed them into his pockets. “I have a bunch of pocket confetti, but no contracts of any kind,” he said. “What else you got?”
“We can bring the girl in here and have her tell us her side of the story,” Principal Johnston replied.
“This is a waste of time, and I’m a very busy man,” Donald said. “I’m leaving, my wife is leaving, and my son is going back to class.”
“Excuse me?” Principal Johnston asked.
“Look, pal,” Donald said. “You don’t want to piss me off. I’ll put that girl through the ringer over this if she plans to keep lying about what my son didn’t do to her. I’ll make sure she’ll be marched through the hallways of your school, being called every name in the book, all so you can try to prove your point that my son gave a girl a little peck on the lips, and you blew it out of proportion just so you could take a shot at me and my family. You’ll go down in flames with her too if you try me.”
“You’d really do that to a twelve-year-old girl?” Principal Johnston asked.
“Hi, I’m Donald Trump, President of the Blue Jay Lane Neighborhood Association,” Donald replied. “Have we met?”
“I hope you learned your lesson,” Donald said, standing in his son’s room, his arms crossed. “You can’t just force yourself on women and try to get them to sign nondisclosure agreements!”
“But I did exactly what you said!” Barron argued.
“Look,” Donald said, sitting on the bed next to his son. “I don’t know what to tell you.”
“What?” Barron asked. “I did exactly what you told me to do, and I ended up getting in trouble. You do it all the time, and you don’t get in trouble!”
“You fucked it up,” Donald said, shrugging. “I don’t know how you did it, but you somehow fucked it up. These things happen, kid. Don’t let it discourage you, OK? I gotta go take care of more grown-up business now. Your mom says you’re grounded, by the way.”
Donald left a bewildered Barron in his room, closing the door. Melania was waiting outside. “Was this all your doing?” she asked.
“No,” Donald said. “Barron did it. Didn’t you hear the principal?”
Melania sighed. “I’m gonna go take a few pills and cry in the shower for a while,” she said.
“Sounds good,” Donald said, walking toward his office. He sighed and picked up the phone on his desk. “Rudy? It’s Donald. Get Dani Weathers on the phone and see what the hell she wants to keep her whore mouth shut. This ball’s in your court now.”