The Trumps – Two Pences, None the Richer
The Trumps is a work of “fiction,” a “satire,” a “parody.” Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely “coincidental,” and this story is not meant to bear any political opinions.
Donald fixed his hair in the mirror nailed to the wall of his office, making sure his bald spot was unseen. His Vice President of Operations, the tall, silver-haired, broad-shouldered Mike Pence walked into the office. “Hey, Don,” Mike said. “Getting ready to end the day?”
“Just about,” Donald replied. “You and Karen are still coming to my barbecue on Sunday, right?”
“We’re coming right after morning mass,” Mike replied, smiling warmly. “We can’t wait.”
“Good,” Donald said. “My family can’t wait to meet you guys.”
“Just tell your wife to watch out for mine,” Mike said.
“Why?” Donald asked.
“Because she’s a biscuit-munching bitch,” Mike said, any sign of a smile dying from his face.
“OK,” Donald said.
The clock’s chimes rang, signally five o’clock. “That’s it for the day,” Mike said, smiling again. “See you Sunday! We’ll bring the potato salad!”
Created, Written, and Directed by Budgerigar Orville Bigelow
Season 1, Episode 2: Two Pences, None the Richer
“I want everything to be perfect!” Donald said, walking into the kitchen where his wife, Melania, and daughter, Ivanka, were working on prepping the food for Donald’s barbecue. “I’ve already got Barron staying at a hotel for the weekend. If one sprig of parsley is off, I’ll kill myself!”
“Relax,” Ivanka said. “Doesn’t Mike work for you? He’s going to get the wrong idea if you’re after him too hard.”
“What do you mean?” Donald asked.
“Mike is…” Ivanka said, taping her chin while she talked. “Light.”
“So he doesn’t dye his hair,” Donald said. “So what?”
“No,” Ivanka said. “He’s… He’s gay, dad.”
“What?!” Donald exclaimed. “Mike? No way! Nobody as anti-gay as Mike Pence is not gay. It’s never happened, and Mike is one hundred percent straight. If he turns out to be gay, I’ll kill myself!”
“Just do it already,” Melania muttered.
“What did you say?” Donald asked.
“Nothing,” Melania replied. “Can you leave now? I need to work on the casserole.”
“Fine,” Donald said. “Mike will be here soon anyway. I want him to be my vice president on the Neighborhood Association too, so I don’t want any screw-ups, OK?” He left toward the backyard when he was answered by silence.
Melania and Ivanka shared a look. “Mike’s totally gay,” Ivanka said.
“Don’t gossip,” Melania said. “You’re worse than your real mother, I swear.”
Donald turned the gas on the grill and pressed the button to light it. It ignited with a pop of propane combustion, and the smell of last week’s leavings being burnt off filled the yard. “Now you’re cooking!” someone said. Donald turned to see Mike, coming into his yard with his plain-looking wife, Karen.
“Hi, Mike!” Donald said. “Find the place alright?”
“I did OK,” Mike said. “Have you met Karen?”
Donald put out his hand to shake Karen’s, and she stepped back, a look of repulsion on her face. Mike nudged her forward by the elbow, and her hand met Donald’s, and she shook it. “Nice to meet you,” Karen said, forcing a smile.
“Likewise,” Donald said, smiling. “My wife is in the kitchen. She’ll be out in a little bit.”
“Oh, I think I’ll go see if she needs help,” Karen said, waddling toward the back door of Donald’s home.
“There she goes,” Mike said. “Remember what I said about that biscuit-muncher.”
“Why do you keep saying that?” Donald asked.
Melania lifted her head up when she heard the door opened. She figured she could get a short cry in before anyone came in to check on her. She was surprised to see a woman standing in her kitchen. “Hello,” she said. “You must be Karen. I’m Melania.”
“Pleased to meet you,” Karen said, smiling as she took Melania’s hand, holding it rather than shaking it. “Emphasis on the pleasure.”
“You didn’t say ‘pleasure,’ ” Melania said.
“I will,” Karen said, offering Melania a small smile. “You are quite the specimen, aren’t you?Your husband is a very lucky man, but he can’t appreciate you like I can.”
Melania moved to get up. “I think I’ll see if my husband needs anything,” she said.
“What’s the rush, bunny rabbit?” Karen asked, stepping between Melania and the door leading outside. “I think you’d do well with a little more girl time.”
Melania craned her neck to see outside, but Karen moved to block her line of sight. She gave up, knowing there wasn’t an easy escape from the relentless woman in her kitchen. “This is dinner with the Clintons all over again…”
“What are you cooking?” Mike asked, joining Donald at the grill. “Some hot wieners?”
“Burgers and dogs,” Donald replied.
“Oh,” Mike said. “I call hotdogs ‘hot wieners.’ ”
“I heard you,” Donald said. “Where the hell are those boys with the meat?”
“Boys with meat?!” Mike said, turning around quickly. “This is turning into my kind of party!”
“What?” Donald asked.
“Nothing,” Mike replied. “I’m just getting hungry is all. I haven’t eaten a thing since communion.”
“Here come my sons now with the cooler,” Donald said.
Donny Jr and Eric came from the around the side of the house, each holding the side of a large, blue cooler. They dropped it by the grill, and Donny Jr opened it up, grabbing two silver cans of beer. He handed one to his brother. “Here’s the food and beer, dad,” he said, cracking the beer open.
“Took you long enough,” Donald said, taking a package of hotdogs.
“We had to make sure the beers were cold,” Eric said, “so we tested a few.”
Donny Jr snickered as he drank.
“Boys,” Donald said. “Have you met Mike? Mike, these are my boys: Donny Jr and Eric.”
“Can we wrestle in the yard while you’re cooking?” Eric asked.
“Can’t you play frisbee or something?” Donald asked.
“We want to wrestle!” Donny Jr exclaimed.
“Fine!” Donald said. “You’re forty for God’s sake. Do what you want, just do it the hell away from me.”
Donny Jr and Eric ran to the other side of the yard, placed their beer cans carefully on the grass, removed their shirts and grappled, grunting as they wrestled one another in the early afternoon sun. Mike watched with a look of fascination on his face.
“So, Mike,” Donald said, dropping some hotdogs on the grill. “I was thinking… Mike? Mike!”
“What?” Mike asked, wrenching his face away from Donny Jr and Eric, who were now rolling around in the grass with each other.
“I was talking to you,” Donald said.
“Sorry,” Mike said. “My mind is going in a hundred different directions. Mind if I get one of those beers.”
“Go ahead,” Donald said. “Be my guest.”
Mike bent over and reached in the cooler, pulling out a beer, watching Donald’s sons as he cracked it open. He sighed contently as he took a long pull, not taking his eyes from the impromptu backyard wrestling match. Finally, he turned back to Donald. “OK,” he said. “I got my beer. What do you want to talk about?”
“Come on, kitten,” Karen said, giving Melania a shoulder massage in the kitchen. “Let me hear you purr.”
“The massage isn’t necessary,” Melania said.
“You’ve got so much tension back here,” Karen said. “I can feel it.” She moved her hands lover, bringing them down to Melania’s lower back. “I can’t really work in a kitchen. Maybe if you could lie down for me and get this top off. Which way is your bedroom?”
“Really,” Melania said, standing. “I don’t think that’s -”
“Shhhhh,” Karen shushed, putting her finger on Melania’s lips. “I just want you to feel good. Please, let me help you feel good, baby.” She leaned in closer, and Melania felt as if she had nowhere to go.
“What’s going on in here?” Ivanka said, coming into the kitchen with Jared.
“Oh,” Karen said, stepping back. “I thought everyone was outside.”
“This is my stepdaughter, Ivanka,” Melania said. “And this is her husband, Jared.”
“Pleased to meet you,” Jared said, shaking Karen’s hand. Ivanka did the same, and Karen caressed it when she pulled her hand back.
“You must moisturize,” Karen said, giving Ivanka a half smile. “Feels good.”
“Is dad outside with Mr Pence?” Ivanka asked. “Jared and I should join them if they’re talking shop.”
“They’re out back,” Karen said before Melania could get any words out. “Run along. Your mother and I have things under control in here.”
“OK,” Ivanka said, leaving through the back door with her husband. “See you out there.”
The door closed, and Karen turned back to Melania. “Where were we then?”
Ivanka and Jared made their way outside, where Donald was cooking on the grill and Mike was talking to him, his sights obviously set on Donny Jr and Eric’s wrestling. “Hi daddy,” Ivanka said, giving her dad a hug. He moved in to kiss her too, but she moved away to greet Mike. “Hi, Mr Pence.”
“We’re not at work,” Mike said, shaking Ivanka’s hand gently and giving her a reassuring smile. “You can call me ‘Mike.’ ”
“Hi, Mike,” Jared said with an awkward wave.
“Call me ‘Mr Pence,’ ” Mike said.
“The food is almost done,” Donald said, flipping the burning burgers.
“Whoa!” Mike said. “Who ordered theirs well done?”
“This is how I like them,” Donald said, pressing down on the patties with the spatula so the grease fueled the flames under them. “Is Melania all set in the kitchen?”
“I don’t know,” Ivanka said. “It looked like she was chatting with Mrs. Pence.”
“Were they munching each other’s biscuits?” Mike asked.
“No,” Ivanka said, thinking. “I don’t think they made any biscuits.”
“Boys!” Donald shouted. “Come get something to eat!”
Donny Jr and Eric jogged to the table by the grill, grabbing paper plates and buns.
“For God’s sake,” Donald said. “Will you two put your shirts back on? We have guests today!”
“It’s all right, Don,” Mike said, looking over Donny Jr and Eric, a gleam in his eye. “I really don’t mind it. Not one bit.”
“Here,” Ivanka said, handing mike a plate. “Guests eat first.”
“Thank you,” Mike said. He put two hotdog buns on his plate. “Let me grab a couple of hot wieners,” he said. “Just slide ‘em right between my buns.”
Donald obliged, giving Mike two hotdogs. Mike nodded in thanks and sat down across from Donny Jr and Eric, who were dressing up their burgers and hotdogs and scooping condiments onto their paper plates. Mike put some ketchup on his hotdog, brought it up to his mouth, licked some off the end, then spit it on the ground.
“Is something wrong?” Ivanka asked, taking the seat next to him.
“No,” Mike replied. “That’s just how I eat it.”
Melania leaned against the refrigerator while Karen massaged her back, her hands up the back of her shirt. “I told you it’s better this way,” Karen said. “Can you feel that deep in your tissue?”
“I guess,” Melania said. “We should really get to the barbecue outside.”
“Nonsense,” Karen said, gently turning Melania to face her. “Let them talk business outside. You and I can have some girl talk in here.”
Melania broke free from Karen’s touch and moved toward the table. “OK,” she said, knowing she wasn’t escaping her home. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Let’s talk about me,” Karen said.
“What about you?” Melania asked.
A small smirk sparked on Karen’s face. “Me,” she said, “burying my head between those thighs, you vicious tease.”
Ivanka gave her father a look as Mike watched Donny Jr and Eric eat. Mike was tracing the tip of his hotdog with his lips while he ate, apparently unaware that he was being watched. Donald just shrugged and ate his burnt, ketchup-covered burger.
“So, Mike,” Ivanka said. “How’s work been in the offices with Dad? He got me out on the road. I haven’t seen the inside of the offices in weeks.”
“It’s OK,” Mike replied, painfully taking his eyes off Donny Jr and Eric. “I’d rather be out on the road to be honest. There’s more to do out there, and a rest stop every hour or so on the highway.”
“Office work suits you,” Donald said through a mouthful of food. “Don’t let my lovely daughter take you away from me.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it, Don,” Mike said, taking a large bite of his hotdog.
“I’m done,” Eric said. “Can we go wrestle again?”
“Yes!” Mike answered, his head popping up.
Ivanka gave Donald another poignant look he wasn’t understanding.
“What?” Eric asked.
“Go about your wrestling,” Mike said. “We’re just talking business here. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Duh,” Donny Jr said, snickering. “We work there too.”
“Yeah,” Eric said, grinning a grin of teeth and gums. “Duh!”
“Funny,” Mike said. “I don’t see you at the office too often.”
“Go play frisbee or something,” Donald said. “Just cut it out with the wrestling already.”
“Come on!” Eric exclaimed. “That’s not fair!”
“I don’t wanna wrestle anymore anyway,” Donny Jr said. “You just want to touch me like the big homo you are!”
“I’m no homo!” Eric shouted. “You’re the homo!”
“Nobody is a homo!” Donald snapped, slamming his fist on the table.
“Sorry,” Donny Jr muttered. “Didn’t mean to upset you, Dad.” He left to go to the backyard with Eric, who gave a sad look over his shoulder toward Donald.
“I’m sorry you had to hear that,” Donald said to Mike.
“Yes,” Ivanka added, putting a hand on Mike’s arm. “They don’t mean anything by using words like that. They’re not intentionally insulting homosexuals.”
“You’re talking to me like I should be upset,” Mike said. “Why would I be upset?”
“No reason,” Ivanka said, taking her hand away.
“You know,” Mike said. A cloud floated by the sun, covering his face with a shadow. “I saw a parade once, one of those gay pride parades. It was a disgusting display of pride. That’s not something you should be prideful of. That’s something that needs to be pushed deep down inside of yourself, never to be mentioned, thought about, or acted on. Only the weak can’t leave that shit deep down in the darkest pit their soul where it belongs, rotting and festering.”
Ivanka moved away from Mike. “I’m sorry,” she said. “It’s just…”
“Just what?!” Mike snapped, standing.
“I’m gonna go play frisbee with the others,” Jared said, leaving.
“That’s really inappropriate,” Melania said. “I don’t think I can do that.”
“Don’t be like that, baby,” Karen said, gently touching Melania’s cheek. “How good does Donald make you feel when you’re together?”
“I don’t know,” Melania said, looking away. “How am I supposed to answer that? He’s my husband.”
“And you’re always surrounded by his family,” Karen said. “You have no way to explore, to find out what you really like. Nobody can make a woman feel as good as another woman can, and I’m really fucking good at making a woman feel good.”
“I don’t know,” Melania said. “I haven’t done anything like this.”
“Then let me take the wheel,” Karen said. “Just relax, bunny rabbit, and let me make you feel like a woman for once.”
“OK,” Melania said, leaning toward Karen to finally allow their lips to meet in soft, lesbionic glory. “Kiss me.”
“Yes,” Karen said, her mouth just inches from Melania’s.
“What the hell?!” Donald shouted, bursting into the kitchen. Karen and Melania both jumped back.
“What is it?!” Melania said, her voice panic-stricken.
“It’s Mike!” Donald replied. “He just got in his car and took off!”
Ivanka came into the kitchen next. “Mrs Pence,” she said. “I’m so sorry.”
“What happened?” Karen asked.
“Mike got upset,” Ivanka replied. “He stormed off, got in his car, and he drove away.”
“What’s gotten into him?” Karen asked, shaking his head. “Nobody was making any gay comments, were they?”
Ivanka and Donald shared a look. Donald shrugged.
“Shit,” Karen said. She turned to Donald. “I know where he went. Can you go talk some sense into him? He won’t listen to me.”
“Why me?” Donald asked.
“He trusts and respects you,” Karen said. She lowered her voice to say: “Only God knows why.” She took a pen out of her purse and a piece of paper. “Here’s the address of a place called Shady Elms, his old conversion camp.”
“Concentration camp?” Donald asked. “They still have those?”
“Conversion!” Karen corrected. “You’ll understand when you get there.”
“Fine,” Donald said, taking the paper from Karen. “I’ll go talk some sense into him.” He left through the living room.
“That was really weird,” Ivanka said, sitting in one of the kitchen chairs. “I hope he’s OK.”
Karen watched Ivanka for a moment. “You gotta get the fuck outta here, doll-face.”
Donald drove to address given to him by Karen. A dirt road took him past a sign that read “Shady Elms Gay Conversion Camp.” Donald drove though the empty-looking place, looking for Mike. He found his car, parked outside as small cabin. Donald got out of his car and looked around, eventually going inside, despite the creepy vibes. He found Mike, sitting on one of the bunks.
“Oh,” Mike said, looking up. “Karen told you how to find me.”
“Yeah,” Donald said, sitting next to Mike. “Everyone is worried about you. Why’d you leave like that?”
“I used to come to this camp when I was a kid,” Mike said. “My parents kept it a secret, and I did too. Would you admit coming to a place like this?”
“Why would you be in a place like this?” Donald asked. “You always seemed pretty manly to me.”
Mike chuckled. “They thought I was…” he said, trailing off. He looked down again.
“Look,” Donald said. “I don’t care what kind of a man you used to be. I chose you to be my Vice President at work because you’re the best man for the job now. That’s why I want you as my second-in-command on the Neighborhood Association too.”
“You do?” Mike asked, looking up.
“Of course I do,” Donald replied. “Why do you think I had this barbecue. I was going to spring it on you later after you’ve gobbled a few wieners and knocked back some beers. Whattaya say, Mikey? Will you do it?”
“Don…” Mike replied. “Yes. Of course! I’d be honored to be on the Neighborhood Association board as your second.”
“Good,” Donald said. “Together, we can make the neighborhood great again.”
Mike laughed. “Yes, together we can,” he said.
“Just put all this gay nonsense behind you,” Donald said, getting up. “Choose to be straight, and we’ll pretend like this whole thing never happened.”
“Done,” Mike said, getting up. “Sorry. Sometimes I just need a reminder to keep pushing those dark thoughts deep down into the black center of my being. Do you have to do the same thing?”
“No,” Donald said, shaking his head. “Never.”
“Oh,” Mike said. “To each their own, I guess.”
“Come on,” Donald said, leading Mike back to his car with a hand on his shoulder. “There’s still time to salvage the barbecue.”
“Finally,” Karen said as Ivanka rushed outside with the first aid kit to tend to Jared’s sprained knee. “I thought she’d never leave.”
“She’s a little much sometimes,” Melania said. “Donny loves her though, and I mean he really loves her.”
“It’s OK,” Karen said, coming back toward Melania and taking her hand. “Now that we’re alone again…”
Melania sighed contently, leaning back toward Karen, leaving her inhibitions far away.
“We’re back!” Donald exclaimed, coming back in through the front door. “Look who I found, too!”
“Hi,” Mike said, giving his wife and Melania a small wave. “Sorry about that ladies. You ready to kick off the barbecue now that I’m Vice President of the Neighborhood Association?”
“I was ready to kick something off,” Karen muttered, turning away from her husband’s smiling face. “Fucking dick-sucker.”
“What?” Mike asked.
“I said I’m ready,” Karen said, smiling again.
“Good,” Donald said, shoving past everyone. “Let’s get the beers while their cold and get the meat hot again.”
“Let me help you heat that meat, Don,” Mike said. “Come on, ladies.”
“I guess we missed our chance,” Melania said.
“This time,” Karen said with a wink. “There will be other barbecues.”