Budgie’s Journal #137 – Prepare to be Pelted with that to which You’re Allergic

Trigger warning:
Do not read this article if you’re offended by rabbits pelting humans with blackberries, British voice actors being called douchebags, or dark humor in general. For those of you sticking around after this paragraph: enjoy the rant.

Let’s look at what’s pissing off sensitive people today. Please view the following pic taken from Twitter this morning:

That’s right. Peter Rabbit, Sony’s latest bastardization of a classic children’s book, is guilty of “allergy bullying”. Parents are calling for this movie to be boycotted. Let me put one thing out there: I refuse to take my child to see this film!

Don’t get me wrong… I don’t give a fuck about the allergy bullying. I just think it looks like an abortion of a movie, even by kid movie standards. And this is coming from a dad who just sat through the Woody Woodpecker movie on Netflix two nights ago!

The Peter Rabbit books by Beatrix Potter are a timeless classic about a lovable, yet mischievous, rabbit named Peter. This movie makes Peter more of a British Bugs Bunny than a Peter Rabbit, and fails miserably. I haven’t seen it, and I know that.

I’ve seen dozens of commercials, even if I haven’t seen the actual movie yet, all set to kid-friendly alt-pop music. The basis of the humor is Peter and his bunny buddies tormenting Mr. McGregor, then talking about it later. They actually show scenes of the rabbits talking about what they’ve just done! Show, don’t tell, Hollywood. That’s writing 101!

Oh, and they stole Sideshow Bob’s rake gag from The Simpsons.

I read the Peter Rabbit books to my daughter when she was smaller and couldn’t read on her own. My mother bought her the box set, and I read one a night for months. I guess now we’re treated to a movie likely full of fart and piss and shit jokes in the name of the books that entertained my innocent little girl.

And then there’s James Corden.

I can rant about this derivative sack of fecal matter, but I’ll let you Google real-life stories of this asshole-mouthed dick-head. I don’t feel up for giving him my money to see him voice a douchebag rabbit.

But let me get to the “rant” part of my rant.

Don’t be so damn sensitive. If your kids imitate this movie and pelt kids at school with something to which they’re allergic, they’re assholes. Period. They’ll probably do something else like stab someone’s eyes out with pencils or shove the class’s hamster up some other kid’s ass. Boycotting a CGI bunny isn’t going to save your sociopath kid. Stop blaming movies for your terrible parenting.

If your kid is allergic to something and is the target of pelting; teach them how to fight, and how to fight dirty. There’s no such thing as a clean fight. Maybe tell them to find out what their bully is allergic to and… Wait. You’re against that. Moving on…

Let me tell people who lived through times of war that people are up in arms over “allergy shaming” and shit like that. They’ll take you over their knee and strap you raw, and you’ll deserve it.

So I’ll probably go see this movie. Yeah, I’d rather see Black Panther, but I have a feeling my want on movie day is going to get vetoed. I’ll suffer through Peter Rabbit, and I’ll try not to be offended or throw popcorn at theater patrons who may be allergic to butter.

Budgie Bigelow

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