Budgie’s Journal #116 – A New Beginning from the Same Old Ashes

What can one say about the start of a new year? It’s a new beginning, a fresh start, a clean slate. Whatever cliche you’ve chosen, I’m here to tell you that there’s no new you in the new year unless you truly believe there is. Do you?

Do I?

“New year, new me” is something I never got behind. Maybe I know I’ll be as big of an asshole this year as I was in the last one. Maybe I know people don’t change, zebras can’t change their spots, etcetera. Maybe I know there’s no magic eraser for problems Mr. Clean can’t take care of.

Whatever. You’re an optimist, and I can respect that. I have spans of time in my life where I’ve been one too. I’m not ashamed of that. I tried to pull myself up from the ashes of last year, and I’m still trying to crawl out of them. I’m nothing if not tenacious like a thirsty mosquito.

“But, Budgie… Why are you being so dark?”

I wish I had an answer, I really do. Maybe misery truly does love company. Either that or it just loves attention. I can always claim it was a cry for help, but I seem to push away anyone who’s ever trying to help me.

So that’s where my head has been since the last day of last year. This was my thirty-seventh year on this spinning blue and green marble, and I still don’t know what the fuck is going on with myself.

I’ve quite possibly fallen into a trap I’ve set for myself. My mind tells me I can’t be a good writer without a bleak outlook, that the pessimism somehow fuels my work, making it shine brighter when my soul’s its darkest. I don’t even know where this idea has come from, but it’s there. The ink I put on the page makes more sense than anything outside my own head. My fictitious realities are more vivid than what’s around me. I picture the ghost stories, the sci-fi hells, the unseen world of demons, hidden just beneath the surface.

Now I see it: the reasons you think I might be slipping. I assure you I’m not. I know there’s more to life than what you meet in the waking world. But what can you do when the music starts to sound flat and you feel like the world is going cold and gray?

You ring in a new year, and hope your old problems don’t follow.

But they do. They always do. One day you may be like me and welcome them like an old friend.

-Budgie Bigelow

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