“Tonight’s my last night with lefty,” Tony said, sitting across from Alice, the head of Paulie’s Pizza’s waitstaff. “I just want him to go out with a bang.”
“I told you, Tony,” Alice said. “I’m seeing someone now. I can’t do this ‘friends with benefits’ thing you keep going on about. I know you’re anxious about your surgery and the cancer, but I’m not entertaining this notion that you need to get laid one last time before your operation.”
Tony snorted. “I know I talk a big game,” he said, “but the fact is I’m scared for righty. Will he be alright once lefty is gone? Will he be able to work as well as two once he’s alone?”
Alice sighed. “Fine,” she said. “One time, but I don’t want you thinking we’re back together. And you can’t tell anyone, especially not Rocco!”
“Rocco?” Tony asked. “Why would he care?”
“He just has a big mouth,” Alice said quickly. “So let’s get this over with.”
“Wait,” Tony said, pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket. “It’s one now, and I’m seeing Claudette at two. I have a date at seven with this Korean broad from the dry cleaners at seven tonight too. Can we hook up at four-thirty? That should give me enough time to recharge after Claudette, and I’d be able to do the same for Ming or Ling or whatever laundromat chick’s name is.”
“You really are an asshole,” Alice said, sneering.
“So four-thirty?” Tony asked. “This may be your last chance to ride the Tony carousel. What if the cancer removal goes wrong.”
Alice sighed again. “Fine,” she said. “Four-thirty. Whatever. I’ll be at your apartment.”
“Great,” Tony said, jotting some notes down. “I’ll see you then.”
Created, written, & directed by Budgerigar Orville Bigelow
Co-created by executive producer BluntSharpness
Season 12, Episode 5: Tony Loses His Left Nut
“I’m so glad you decided to have dinner with us tonight,” Rose said, sitting across from Tony in her dining room.
“Me too,” Tony said, scooping a large portion of spaghetti onto his plate. “You broads know how to cook!”
“Oh,” Paulie said. “Don’t talk to her that way.”
“What he say?” Helen asked.
“Nothing,” Paulie said. “But aren’t you supposed to refrain from eating before your operation.”
“I don’t know,” Tony replied. “They may have told me to avoid something or other. There was something about sex too, but I’ve gotten laid twice already today, and I got one more date after dinner.”
“Oh lord,” Helen groaned. “He’s going to end up reproducing before his neutering after all.”
“He is not being neutered,” Rose said. “He is only having one removed, and he can still reproduce.” The looked at Tony, who was smiling while he sucked up a mouthful of spaghetti. “Although maybe you should consider a vasectomy while you’re under the knife.”
“No need,” Tony said. “I never pop my pudding while it’s still in the container.”
Da’Quarius pushed his plate away form himself. “I knew it was only a matter of time,” he said.
“But I can’t wait for this to be over,” Tony said. “Even though I’m losing a nut, I feel as if I’m gaining a new perspective on life.”
“Good for you,” Rose said. “Most people don’t see the forest for the trees.”
“What?” Tony asked. “I’m losing a nut, not going camping!”
“There it is,” Helen said.
“Well I can’t wait to stop hearing about it,” Paulie said. “You’d think Tony was meeting the pope with the way he’s been going on about this operation of his.”
“You think dis is over after tomorrow?” Da’Quarius asked. “You got da’ rest of yo’ life to hear ‘bout Tony’s missin’ nut over an’ over again.”
“Madon,” Paulie groaned. “I’m going to have to fire him, aren’t I?”
“No way,” Tony said. “You think you want an unemployed cancer survivor on your conscience?”
“I guess not,” Paulie replied.
“Well I’m gonna have to shovel this down and jet,” Tony said, twirling his fork in his pile of spaghetti to maximize how much he would be able to shove into his mouth at once. I got this hot date with this chubby Korean from the laundromat, and I still need to scrub down there thoroughly with anti-bacterial soap.”
“OK,” Helen said, pushing her plate away. “I’m done too. That was too much, even for me.”
Tony drove toward Happy Laundromat on Willow Street after leaving the spaghetti dinner on Freedom Lane. He saw flashing red and blue lights, and he was disappointed when he saw they were coming from the Happy Laundromat.
Tony got out of his car and walked across the street. Two cops were ushering a large, bald man with no shirt toward a waiting cruiser, handcuffed. Luckily for Tony, his cop buddy, Rocco Priolo, was directing people away from the scene of whatever crime had been committed.
“Hey, Rocco,” Tony said. “What’s going on?”
“This guy had a dispute with his girlfriend and kicked over a washer,” Rocco said. “Said she was seeing another guy tonight, and he flipped. She’s inside now mopping up.”
Tony glanced inside, and he saw his date, Jei, mopping up the soapy water near the overturned washing machine. “Damn,” he said. “She told me her marriage was open.”
“That was you she was going to see?” Rocco asked. “You better get out of here before you get dragged in. Don’t you have your surgery tomorrow?”
“Yeah I do,” Tony replied, “but I was looking forward to one last night with the little guy before he loses half his possessions.”
“You got it rough, buddy,” Rocco said. “Maybe you should head home and get some rest though.”
“Screw that,” Tony said. “Maybe I’ll hit up Alice. She might want to go for a second round today.”
“Alice?” Rocco asked. “You were with her earlier?”
“Yeah,” Tony said. “She was my four-thirty. Don’t tell her I told you. She thinks you have a big mouth, by the way.”
“I have a big mouth?” Rocco asked. “Really?”
“Her words, bro,” Tony said. “Now if you excuse me, I need to go find some strange.”
“Yeah,” Rocco said, staring off. “You do that.”
Tony ended up at a bar called Weatherby’s Place, and he ordered a beer. He stayed where he was, sipping from his bottle and looking around. He knew Alice hung out here on her nights off, and he wasn’t surprised when he spotted her, talking to a couple of girlfriends at the opposite corner of the bar. He smiled and walked over to her.
“Is heaven missing an angel?” Tony asked, coming up behind her. “Because it’s open season on ‘em, and I got a big shotgun.”
Alice turned around. “What are you doing?!” she snapped, pushing Tony back to keep him away from her friends, who were all watching now. “Are you drinking? You have surgery tomorrow.”
“I’ll only have a couple,” Tony said, taking another swig. “I bet I won’t even have a hangover.”
“You’re such an ass,” Alice said. “I’ve never seen you in here. What are you doing?”
“Looking for you,” Tony replied. “My seven-thirty cancelled on me.”
“Really?” Alice asked.
“Not really ‘cancelled’,” Tony replied. “It was more of her mopping up her laundromat after her husband flipped over a washer when he heard she was going out with me.”
“You sure can pick em,” Alice said. “I’m going to go back to my friends now.”
“Wait,” Tony said. “Since I’m free, I’m wondering if you want to go for a second round.”
“Are you serious?” Alice asked. “I barely wanted to go the first time.”
“I don’t recall you complaining,” Tony said. “Come on. This might be your last chance again. You’re lucky. You get two last chances in one day.”
Alice was about to respond, but someone else caught her eye. Rocco was coming toward them, still in uniform. “Oh shit,” she said.
“Hey Rocco,” Tony said.
”Hey Tony,” Rocco replied. He turned toward Alice. “I have a big mouth? Really?”
”You told him!” Alice snapped, turning toward Tony.
”What the hell, Rocco!” Tony exclaimed. “I told you that in the strictest of bro confidences.”
“Me and Rocco are dating,” Alice said, rolling her eyes. “Why did you think I didn’t want you telling him?”
“I don’t know,” Tony said. “I thought it was a little weird actually, but all women are dense.”
“How could you cheat on me with Tony,” Rocco said. “He’s my friend.”
“Aren’t you mad at him?” Alice asked. “Go ahead and punch him.”
“Bros before hos,” Tony said.
“Tony didn’t know,” Rocco said. “You didn’t want him to know about us, and now I know why.”
“I didn’t want him to know because he’d act out about it,” Alice said.
“Hey,” Tony said. “Don’t make this argument about me.”
“Go home, Tony,” Rocco said. “You have surgery tomorrow.”
“Fine,” Tony said. “Don’t let me interrupt your bar-side couple’s counseling. Jeez.”
Tony left while Alice and Rocco continued to argue with a large audience.
It was getting late, and Tony was tired, despite his want to get laid one last time before his testicle removal in the morning. “Fuck it,” he said, walking into his empty apartment, located above Paulie’s Pizza. “I guess I’ll have one more go with it myself.”
Tony went to the closet by his bathroom and came out with a bottle of lotion and a box of tissues. He walked over to his couch and pulled a cardboard box from the left side, full of videos. He flipped through them and pulled one out with the image of two women standing on either side of a rider lawnmower. He took the disc out of the case, put it in the DVD player, and turned on the TV. He started undoing his belt when there was a knock at his door.
“Shit,” Tony muttered, getting up. He went do the door and opened it, finding Da’Quarius standing there. “What do you want, kid?”
“I wanna make sure you’re ready for tomorrow,” Da’Quarius said. “You’ve been actin’ like a moron.”
Tony sighed. “Everyone seems to be saying that today,” he said. “That’s just how I am though, kid. Why should I be any different when I have a different number of balls?”
“I think you’re good,” Da’Quarius said, walking through Tony’s apartment. “Me comin’ here spares you to have Paulie do it. I didn’t think you could stand him yelling at’chu any more.”
“I get where he’s coming from though,” Tony said. “He just wants to make sure I’m -”
“WHAT DA’ FUCK IS DIS⁈” Da’Quarius exclaimed, walking into Tony’s den to find a porn on with a fox of tissues and lotion on the couch. “WERE YOU JERKIN’ OFF IN HERE?!”
“I hadn’t started yet,” Tony replied, “so stop freaking out.”
“Mo’ fucker,” Da’Quarius said, walking away from the couch. “I ain’t sittin’ on dat couch ever again! Are you even s’pose to be jerkin’ off da’ night before you have nut surgery?”
“I don’t know,” Tony replied. “I figured it would be better if I emptied it for them, but I had nobody to help me out with that. The friggin’ Korean broad I was supposed to nail bailed on me, and then Alice and Rocco got into a fight.”
“I don’t even wanna know what kind of freaky shit you were gonna do with Rocco an’ Alice,” Da’Quarius said. “You’ve been acting nutty all night, doe. I’d be more worried if I was about to get one of my boys cut off, an’ you’re goin’ ‘round like nuttin’ gonna happen.”
“The fact is that I’m scared shitless,” Tony said. “I figured if I act like it wasn’t a big deal it wouldn’t be. Why do you think I tried to get this chick off Craigslist to spend the night with me? I don’t want to be alone.”
“You were lookin’ for chicks off Craigslist?” Da’Quarius asked. “I thought you were better than dat.”
Tony shrugged. “Since when?”
“Look,” Da’Quarius said. “If it helps, I’ll chill here tonight, an’ dis way you don’t have to be alone.”
“Alright,” Tony said. “I’d like that, actually. You can sleep on the couch if you want.”
“No fuckin’ way,” Da’Quarius said. “Just point me to whatever piece of floor you’re positive you haven’t jerked off on.”
At six-thirty the next morning, Paulie let himself into Tony’s apartment. He found Da’Quarius sitting on a kitchen chair, sleeping, his head lying on his arms on the table. Paulie gently shook him by the shoulder.
“Da’ fuck you want?” Da’Quarius groaned, slowly raising his head.
“Time to get up, kid,” Paulie said. “You got school today.”
“Fuck,” Da’Quarius said, getting up. “Today’s gonna suck. Should I wish Tony good luck with his nut?”
“I’ll let him know,” Paulie said. “Rose is waiting outside to drive you home so you can shower. Thanks for keeping Tony under control for us.”
“No problem,” Da’Quarius said. “I’m lucky I got here when I did. Another minute an’ he’d be beatin’ his meat like it slept with his bitch.”
“Get outta here,” Paulie said. “Don’t keep that sister-in-law of mine waiting.”
“Sure,” Da’Quarius said, walking toward the door. “Good luck with Tony.”
Da’Quarius left, leaving Paulie alone in the living area of Tony’s apartment. He walked over to the bedroom and knocked on the door. “You up, Tony?”
“I’m up,” Tony replied. “What are you doing here? What happened to the kid?”
“I’m driving you to the hospital,” Paulie replied. “Da’Quarius had to go to school, and he can’t drive yet anyway.”
“Oh, right,” Tony said. “I didn’t think about how I was supposed to get to the hospital.”
“Lucky for you there’s those of us who keep track of these things for you,” Paulie said. “How long will it take you to get ready?”
“Not long,” Tony replied. “Let me just scrub ‘em with this anti-bacterial soap. I want to make sure they’re nice and clean in case I get a lady doctor in there.”
“Madon,” Paulie said, turning away. “I’ll wait while you scrub.”
Paulie pulled up to the main doors of the hospital. “Here we are,” he said. “You ready?”
“I’m as ready as I’m gonna get,” Tony said. He let out a long breath. “This may be the end of an era if something goes wrong. There’s a lot of ladies out there, and I don’ t know if I’ll be able to satisfy them all with just one nut.”
“You’re fifty-five,” Paulie said. “Maybe it’s time you slowed down a bit anyway.”
“You’re sixty-four and still scoring,” Tony said. “What’s the point if I can’t even keep up with you?”
“I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Paulie said. “There’s guys who lose both, so consider yourself lucky you found out before it had to come to that.”
“Yeah,” Tony replied. “Even with one nut I can score twice as much as you.”
“Get in there!” Paulie snapped. “You friggin’ gagootz!”
“Wait,” Tony said. “Do you know how long I’m going to be in the hospital for?”
“No,” paulie replied. “That sounds like something they would have told you.”
Tony shrugged. “Someone probably said it at some point.”
Paulie laughed. “I’ll ask when they let me visit,” he said. “I’ll see you once they’re done.”
“Thanks,” Tony said, opening his door. “I really mean it, Paulie. You’ve always been like a brother to me.”
“Stop that before you start blubbering,” Paulie said. “I already told you that you’ll be fine.”
“OK,” Tony said, getting out of the car. “I’ll see you later.”
Tony was prepped and on a gurney, waiting patiently in the middle of an operating suite. “We’re just about ready,” the doctor said, holding the tube that would gas Tony to sleep. “Do you have any last minute questions or concerns?”
“Yeah,” Tony said. “Why do I close my left eye when I drink from a straw?”
The doctor stared at him. “Are you being serious right now?”
“Yeah,” Tony replied. “Is there something wrong with my brain?”
The doctor looked toward the nurse and back to Tony. “You know you’re having a testicle removed, right? I feel like you might not understand what’s going on.”
“I know what you’re up to,” Tony replied. “Why else would have I have had by balls drained for you?”
“I’m putting him under,” the doctor said with a sigh, strapping the mask to Tony’s face. “Count backwards from a hundred for me, please.”
“Hey,” Tony said, muffled under the mask. “So you’re OK with the straw thing? That’s not anything else I need to worry about, is it?”
“Why won’t he just go under?!” the doctor exclaimed.
Tony’s eyes opened slowly, the light giving him a headache. “Holy shit,” he groaned.
“Sleeping beauty is finally up,” Paulie said.
“Damn,” Da’Quarius said. “He was out all day, too.”
“Guys,” Tony said, his voice slow. “Nobody told me having a nut removed was going to hurt so bad. If feels like I got the worst case of blue-balls in my entire life.”
“You came through like a champ,” Paulie said. “They only removed the one, so you can still be you.”
“Good,” Tony said. “I guess I didn’t need to have that sperm froze. By the way, don’t open the container in the freezer labeled ‘Tony’s Juice’.”
“You have your spunk frozen in my restaurant?” Paulie asked, his eyes narrowing. “What the hell is wrong with you?!”
“Give him a break,” Da’Quarius said. “He just lost a boy.”
“I’m still tired,” Tony said. “I’m gonna catch a few more zees.”
“Oh!” Paulie snapped. “Don’t think you’re not answering for that!”
“He’s out cold,” Da’Quarius said. “Yellin’ at him ain’t gonna do a thing.”
“Madon,” Paulie groaned. “Friggin’ stunad.”