Budgie’s Journal #105 – I Don’t Know 

That’s all I got today. “I don’t know”. That’s a lot of what I’ve gotten lately. I’m told my situations are more like a gray area, but I’d rather have things in black and white. I hate gray areas. I want to know where I’m going to be in a year. Hell, I’ll settle for an answer about where I’ll be in ninety days at this point.

But I don’t know. I really don’t.

I’ve lost control of the little things. My grip on the absolute had loosened. I can’t find all the pieces to the puzzle. I can’t even think of another analogy to finish the paragraph.

Things are better at this moment than what they were. I can say that at least. Will they stay that way? I don’t know. There’s always a hidden gem in the trash heap if you have the patience to dig through it, though. I’m certain I found one, but now I have the task of hanging into it while I wade through waste-deep garbage water.

Then there’s something that finds its way into your life; a beacon of hope, a lantern in blackness, a piece of beautiful symbolism in a bland statement. And suddenly your focus is back. It can be something great, but it can also be fleeting. It all depends on how long it can help you traverse the trash heap of the fuckimg gray area that was once a normal human life.

What’s the future hold? I don’t know. I can’t skip a few chapters ahead to find out. All I can do is keep reading; word after word, paragraph after paragraph, page after page.

Not all endings are happy. Some are… Hell, I don’t know.

-Budgie Bigelow

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