Freedom Lane: Da’Quarius Gets Whacked

“Alright,” Da’Quarius said, turning to page eleven of the school library’s encyclopedia, while sitting at his dining room table with his laptop and school supplies. “We just need to write da’ conclusion, an’ we all set.”

“Sounds good,” Celia said. She was Da’Quarius’s classmate, and she was assigned to him from Mr. Hessman as his partner to write and deliver their oral report. She had red hair, pulled back in a pony tail and a face of freckles. “It’s going to be a shame when we’re done.”

“What do you mean?” Da’Quarius asked. “I’ll be glad when dis assignment is over, an’ I can do somethin’ else with my time.”

“You know what I mean,” Celia said, rubbing her hand on Da’Quarius’s thigh. “A shame.”

“Oh,” Da’Quarius said. “You best stop dat. Helen an’ Rose in da’ other room.”

“They won’t hear,” Celia whispered, undoing Da’Quarius’s pants and slipping a hand into his shorts. “Besides, this’ll be quick. I’ve done it before.

Celia got her hand inside. She started to feel around when Rose walked in from the kitchen with a tray of lemonade. “DA’QUARIUS!” she shouted, letting the tray fall. “What are you two doing?!”

Celia took one look at the horrified Rose and went charging out the door, only pausing long enough to grab her backpack.

“What’s going on in here?” Helen said, following Rose from the kitchen, carrying a tray of cookies.

“My partner just left without helpin’ write dis conclusion,” Da’Quarius said. “Dat’s what.”

“That’s not all,” Rose said. “They were…” Rose stopped. She couldn’t get the words out, so she whispered what she had seen into Helen’s ear.

“Is that all?” Helen asked, sitting down and taking a bite from one of the cookies. “They way you looked, I’d think she was riding his face.”


***

Freedom Lane

Created, written, & directed by Budgerigar Orville Bigelow

Co-created by executive producer BluntSharpness

Season 8, Episode 3: Da’Quarius Gets Whacked

***


“I’ve enrolled you in STD awareness classes,” Rose said, sitting at the dining room table while eating dinner.

“You did what?!” Da’Quarius exclaimed. “I don’t need to go to classes! I know all ’bout dem from school.”

“You’re not being careful enough,” Rose said. “Who knows what would’ve happened if I didn’t come in when I did.”

“You’d be cleaning a hot mess off the floor,” Helen said, taking a bite of chicken off the end of her fork.

“I don’t known why you’re joking about this,” Rose said. “They need a parent to take him, and I signed up you.”

“Me?!” Helen said, dropping her fork. “Why would you do that?”

“Your flippant attitude toward our son’s sexuality,” Rose said. “You need to have a more active role in Da’Quarius’s sex life.

“Damn,” Da’Quarius said, throwing his fork down. “I ain’t eatin’ tonight. Maybe never again.”

“You need to understand what’s at stake,” Rose continued. “You’re taking him, so you can understand why he’s going.”

“Only if he pulls up those pants of his,” Helen said. “I’m not taking him anywhere with the way he droops his pants off his backside like that.”

“What’s dat got to do with anything?” Da’Quarius asked.

“You look like a hooligan!” Helen spat.

“I’m going to my room,” Da’Quarius said, getting up.

“Walk that damn dog first!” Helen spat.

“Fine,” Da’Quarius said, getting an excited Dutchie on his leash and out the door.

“You see that?!” Helen said, pointing toward the door. “He just pulled his pants down more as he left! The defiant little bastard!”

“You need to take this STD class more seriously,” Rose said, not allowing Helen to change the subject. “I’m serious about the two of you having this nonchalant attitude toward sex.”

“Fine,” Helen said. “I’ll take the little snot, but I’m serious about those pants. I’m getting sick of looking at his shorts.”

“We’ll talk to him about that,” Rose said, getting up and walking into the kitchen.

“I’ll talk to him alright,” Helen muttered. “I’ll have an entire conversation as I pull those friggin’ shorts over that shiny head of his.”

Helen stewed in silence. Da’Quarius came back in with Dutchie after a few minutes, and she was sure his pants were sagging more than usual. “I’ll show him,” she muttered, getting up and walking to him. Da’Quarius turned to hang his Vagabond Saints hat on the coat tree when Helen attempted to give him the wedgie to end all wedgies.

“GOTDAMN, BIDDIE!” Da’Quarius shouted as Helen pulled on the band of his boxers.

Helen screamed in rage, pulling Da’Quarius’s boxers with all her might. Da’Quarius screamed in pain as his feet left the ground.

“OW!” Helen shouted, dropping Da’Quarius on the ground. “MY FRIGGIN BACK!”

“Serves you right, biddy!” Da’Quarius shouted from the ground while Dutchie bounced around the two, barking up a storm. “I can taste my boxers!”

“What’s going on in here?!” Rose exclaimed, rushing in from the kitchen.

***

Paulie walked into Rose and Helen’s house. “I’m here,” he said. “How’s my sis?”

“She’s good,” Rose said. “Doctor said she’ll be fine after a bit of bed rest while her back heals. She’s lucky she didn’t do any real damage.”

“Where’s the kid?” Paulie asked.

“He’s in his room,” Rose said. “He should be ready to go to the class. Thank you so much for taking him.”

“It’s no problem,” Paulie said. “He just might have to do wedding stuff with me and Angie after, but that should be OK.”

“So everything is going well with the wedding planning?” Rose asked.

“Going great,” Paulie said. “You don’t think we’re rushing it, do you? Tony said something to me about it last night, and it’s been bothering me.”

“Oh no,” Rose said. “Angie is great. You do what you feel is best.”

“You didn’t really answer me,” Paulie said.

A bell rang from upstairs. “That’ll be Helen,” Rose said, ignoring Paulie’s question. “Better go see what she needs. I’ll send Da’Quarius down too.”

***

“Rose!” Helen shouted, ringing the little bell Rose had given her in case of an emergency. She was sitting on an extra pillow, propping her up so she can watch TV while she rested her sore back.

“What?” Rose asked after running up the stairs.

“I’m hungry,” Heken replied.

“You made me rush up the stairs for that?” Rose asked. “I can see that it’s almost lunchtime.”

“Make me a grilled cheese,” Helen said.

“You’re not supposed to have too much cheese,” Rose said. “The doctor said its bad for you bowels.”

“But I’m sick!” Helen groaned. “Screw what that quack chink said.”

“You are not sick,” Rose said. “You threw your back out trying to pull Da’Quarius’s underpants over his head.”

“Classic,” Helen said, chuckling. “Almost had them up there too.”

“I’ll make you a bowl of tomato soup,” Rose said, leaving the room. “Ring the bell if you need me.”

“I’ll ring the bell alright,” Helen muttered when Rose had left. “I’ll ring the hell out of it.”

***

“So why’s Rose making you take this class again?” Paulie asked.

“She walked in on a girl with her hand down my pants,” Da’Quarius said.

“Wow,” Paulie said. “She knows you can’t get an STD from a handy, right?”

“She knows,” Da’Quarius said, “but she thinks I ain’t serious enough ’bout sex shit.”

“Well you need to be serious in this day and age,” Paulie said. “Not so much about hand stuff, but about the rest of it.”

“I know, dammit,” Da’Quarius said. “I didn’t even ask dat girl to reach in my pants. She just did it!”

“Calm down there,” Paulie said. “I believe you. We’re here. Let’s get you educated, kid.”

“Alright,” Da’Quarius said.

“Wait,” Paulie said, grabbing Da’Quarius’s shoulder. “You don’t think I’m rushing this marriage with Angie, do you?”

Da’Quarius shrugged. “You do you, Unca Paulie,” he said, leaving the car.

“Daq!” Paulie called. “That’s not an answer! What’s that even mean?!”

***

“ROSE!” Helen shouted, shaking the bell. It was causing Dutchie to howl at the base of the stairs.

“What?” Rose asked, exhausted as she finally made it to the bedroom doorway.

“Shut that dog up,” Helen said. “He’s giving me a headache.”

“Dutchie is only howling because you keep ringing that bell,” Rose said. “Why did you start ringing it?”

“I don’t remember,” Helen said.

Rose sighed. “Well is there anything you need since I’m here?” she asked.

“Can I have another bowl of tomato soup?” Helen asked.

“No,” Rose replied, crossing her arms. “You won’t eat dinner if I give you another can of soup.”

“Well I’m bored,” Helen said. “Get in this bed with me and help me pass the time.”

“I am not doing that with you,” Rose said. “You’ll hurt your back again. You’re supposed to be resting.”

“Come on,” Helen said. “I just want some hand stuff from a cute redhead like Da’Quarius got.”

Rose stormed off, closing the door as she went back downstairs.

“What I say?!” Helen exclaimed.

***

“So let’s all introduce ourselves,” Miss Freeman, the teacher of the STD awareness class, said. She was tall, blonde, and wore tight, blue shirt. Da’Quarius looked around the class. He was the youngest one there, and the others looked as if they belonged in an STD class. He was sure the girl in front of him was sporting a line of herpes under her bottom lip.

“Hey,” Paulie said, raising his hand. “Can’t we do this anonymously? I don’t know about anyone else here, but I wouldn’t want anyone to know I’d attend a class a bout this kind of stuff, you dig?”

“And why are you here?” Miss Freeman asked.

“I’m here for my nephew,” Paulie said. “His mother made him come.”

“And why’s that?” Miss Freeman asked.

“She caught him getting a hand job,” Paulie said.

“Cut it out,” Da’Quarius said. “I wasn’t. She only brushed it when Rose came in and made a big deal out of it.”

“You’re in here for some hand stuff?” the teenager in the back row asked. “That’s lame.”

“My mother is old school,” Da’Quarius said. “She seventy-four. Really old school.”

“So she thinks you can get an STD from a hand?” another student asked.

“No,” Da’Quarius said. “She just overreactin’.”

“Well you did catch crabs a couple of months ago,” Paulie said.

“Crabs?” Miss Freeman asked.

“Unca Paulie!” Da’Quarius exclaimed.

“Then there was the time I brought you to the hospital with the clap,” Paulie said.

“You had chlamydia too?!” Miss Freeman said. “You need this education more than you think!”

“No way,” Da’Quarius said. “I only got crabs cuz Manny Garcia put a pair of used panties over my head, and I got chlamydia when dat ancient porn star used my drawers.”

“You’re a ticking time bomb,” Miss Freeman said. “You’re so young, and you’ve already had two STD’s. It’s only a matter of time before you get yourself something incurable.”

“NONE OF DAT WAS MY FAULT!” Da’Quarius shouted.

***

Helen slowly walked down the stairs, ringing her bell as she went. “Rose!” she shouted. “Where the devil are you?!”

“I’m right here,” an exasperated Rose said, leaving the kitchen. “I’m just trying to have my afternoon tea with a little quiet.”

“Well I need you,” Helen said.

“What is it?” Rose asked. “Tell me, and then it’s back to bed.”

“Why can’t we have tea together?” Helen said, putting on a frown.

“Don’t do that,” Rose said, helping Helen to the bottom of the stairs. “You’ve been intentionally irritating since you’ve gotten your hands on that stupid bell. It’s not my fault you hurt your back.”

“Yeah,” Helen said, settling down in her easy chair. “It’s that damn kid’s fault.”

“No,” Rose said. “It’s your own fault. Tell me what’s really bothering you, Helen.”

“It may be the meds talking,” Helen said, “but I’ve been listening to Paulie with his wedding stuff, and you went crazy when that little hussy grabbed the kid’s ding-a-ling. I want a little attention too. I don’t want to be stuck in the bed like a damn second thought.”

“You’re not a second thought,” Rose said. “I just needed a little break. You’ve been ringing the bell all morning. I tell you what: how about I give you a little more attention, and you give that damn bell a rest.”

“Deal,” Helen said. “I’ll give the bell a rest. I’ve seen enough sitcoms to know the bell thing doesn’t end well.”

“I’ll get us some tea,” Rose said smiling.

“I know one thing for sure,” Helen said as Rose left. “I’d still rather be here than at the damn STD class with the kid.”

***

“It’s all about not moving forward when you’re not ready,” Miss Freeman said. “You need to be sure you’re ready. You need to be sure you’re safe.”

“That’s not what I asked,” Paulie said. “I wanted to know if you think I’m moving too fast into this marriage.”

“This is a class about STD’s,” Miss Freeman said, “and I really don’t know anything about you and your engagement. Unless you or your fiancé has an STD, there’s no reason to keep asking me about it.”

“But I can’t seem to get a straight answer out of anyone,” Paulie said.

“I already told you,” Da’Quarius said. “You just do you.”

“See!” Paulie exclaimed, looking at Miss Freeman while motioning toward Da’Quarius. “This is what I’m talking about! What does that even mean?”

“It means: do what makes you happy,” Da’Quarius said. “You love Angie?”

“Yes,” Paulie said. “Of course I do.”

“You wanna marry her?” Da’Quarius asked.

“Yes,” Paulie said.

“Den stop askin’ e’ryone ’bout it,” Da’Quarius said. “You know you wanna get married, so get married. Who cares if people think it’s too soon.”

“Thanks, kid,” Paulie said. “I knew I could pester you into a straight answer eventually.”

“Shit,” Da’Quarius said. “Just do you, Unca Paulie.”

“Can I get on with my class now?” Miss Freeman asked.

“By all means,” Paulie said, lightly waving a hand in Miss Freeman’s direction. “Educate us already.”

“Alright,” Miss Freeman said after taking a breath. “I’m going to go over the only type of sexual relationship that won’t land you an STD: a healthy one with yourself, supplemented with plenty of masturbation.”

“Whoa,” Paulie said.

“What is it now?” Miss Freeman asked.

“That’s not healthy,” Paulie said. “You’re telling these kids to shut themselves in their rooms and jerk off until their right hand falls off.”

“Sir,” Miss Freeman said, holding a hand up to Paulie. “That’s not…”

“You know how kids are with that,” Paulie said, “spending every waking moment wondering what to jerk off into next.”

“Sir…”

“Next thing you know,” Paulie continued, “They’re completely removed from society, doing nothing but punching the clown in their mother’s basement.”

“Sir…”

“Before you know it,” Paulie went on, “they’re done with all human contact, and they’re loading their father’s gun to shoot up a supermarket or a something.”

“SIR!” Miss Freeman shouted.

“What?” Paulie asked.

“The purpose of this class is to show these young men and woman that there are options to avoid getting an STD,” Miss Freeman said.

“Sure,” Paulie said with a shrug. “Just teach them how to use condoms and dental dams.”

“No,” Miss Freeman said. “There’s still herpes. Once you get that: you get it for life.”

“Look,” Paulie said, leaning forward. “There’s no avoiding herpes if you’re destined to get them. If you’re going to get herpes: you’re going to get herpes. You can get that from an innocent peck on the lips with someone who doesn’t even know they have it. Hell, you can probably get it from a water fountain. The girl in the front row knows what I’m talking about.”

The girl in the front row gave Paulie the dirtiest of looks before turning around with her arms crossed.

“That is not what I teach here,” Miss Freeman said.

“Well maybe you should,” Paulie said. “You’re way too hard up to be teaching these kids anything about sex. STD’s are part of the experience! It’s part of becoming a man!”

“She gonna kick you out,” Da’Quaruis whispered.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Paluie said, turning to Da’Quarius and not lowering his voice. “I’m just starting a back-and-forth with the teacher. This is a healthy discussion to have.”

Paulie looked away from Da’Quarius to see Miss Freeman and the other parents all giving him menacing look as the kids snickered or hid smiles behind their hands.

“I’ll leave,” Paulie sighed, getting up. “I’ll wait for you in the car, Daq.”

“Shit,” Da’Quarius said as Paulie left the classroom. “Why do I gotta stay?!”

***

Helen woke up from her nap in her easy chair when the door opened. Da’Quarius and Paulie came inside. Dutchie jumped all around, eager to go for his afternoon walk with his master.

“Alright,” Da’Quarius said, grabbing the leash. “Let’s go, Dutchie.”

“Hello to you too,” Helen muttered. 

“I’ll be right back!” Da’Quarius called as he was nearly dragged outside by his dog.

“How was the class?” Rose said, coming in from the kitchen. 

“It was good,” Paulie said, omitting how he had to leave. “The kid got some good info.”

“That’s good,” Rose said. “Do you want something to eat.”

“Yeah,” Paulie said. “I’m actually starving. “Da’Quarius had to come cake-testing with Angie and me, and the two of them ate all the samples. I think he was paying me back for dragging him out.”

“I’ll get you a sandwich,” Rose said, going back into the kitchen. “It’s the least I can do for you after taking Da’Quarius to his class.”

“So they filled his head with that safe sex nonsense?” Helen said softly after Rose went back into the kitchen.

“Don’t worry,” Paulie said. “They tried to turn him into a introverted jerk-off, but he knows better.”

“Good,” Helen said. “I just hope he’s smart enough to find a more discreet location for his hand jobs than under my dining room table.”

“Amen to that,” Paulie said. “Hey, let me ask you something. You don’t think Angie and I are rushing into this wedding, do you?”

Helen looked at Paulie for a moment, then she started ringing her bell. “Rose!” she called.

“What?” Rose said, coming into the den after abandoning Paulie’s sandwich.

“I don’t feel so well all of a sudden,” Helen said. “Can you help me to bed for a nap?”

“Sure,” Rose said, helping Helen up from her chair. “I’ll be right back, Paulie. Help yourself to whatever.”

Paulie watched as Rose helped Helen up the stairs. “Madon,” Paulie said. “Guess I’ll just have to do me after all.”


The End

***

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