“It’s such a lovely night,” Lee said in his usual lisp.
Harold grunted. “Who are those two old poofs over there?” he asked, nasally.
“Those two men by the bench?” Lee asked. “You know them. That’s Roberto and Umberto, the Ecuadorian couple we know through church. You refused to go to their marriage ceremony.”
“Men marrying men,” Harold moaned. “What’s the country coming to?”
“We’re married,” Lee said.
“Not legally,” Harold said. “Goddamn it. Here come those Spanish flies.”
“Well, well, well,” Roberto said. He hair short, curly hair with white stripes on the side. “If it isn’t Harold and Lee.”
“Hi,” Lee said. “We’re so sorry we couldn’t attend your wedding.”
“Really,” Umberto said. He was chubby with no hair. “Are you sorry about blowing your nose on the RSVP before sending it back?”
“Harold!” Lee exclaimed.
“What?” Harold asked, shrugging. “You wanted a response.”
“It was full of blood,” Umberto said. “You really should see a doctor.”
“I have a better idea,” Roberto said, rolling up his sleeves. “I’m going to send this old snot to the hospital myself.”
“No,” Lee said. “We’re sorry!”
“No,” Roberto said, approaching. “You’re going to be.”
Created, written, & directed by Budgerigar Orville Bigelow
Season 8, Episode 2: Elderly Fight Club
“Can you believe what happened to Harold and Lee?” Rose asked, sitting down for tea with Helen in the kitchen after Da’Quarius headed to school.
“I just can’t believe nobody kicked their asses sooner,” Helen said.
“Their all just silly,” Rose said, sipping her tea. “Fighting at their age. I used to work for the police, and I never heard of four elderly men fist-fighting in public like that. I’m just glad the police broke it up when they did.”
“I bet it was funny as hell,” Helen said, chuckling. “Watching those four old fruits trading blows… punches I mean. I bet they had to take a break to change their urostomy bags.”
“It’s not funny,” Rose said, getting up. “I don’t know anyone who’d really want to see that.”
“I would,” Helen said as Rose left to get her gardening supplies. A realization came over her. “I’d pay to see that. I bet others would too.”
“Hey,” Tony said, coming from his apartment into Pauile’s Pizza for his lunch shift. “I want to make some deliveries.”
“No,” Paulie said, coming from his office.
“Come on,” Tony said. “Just on the slow nights. Maybe give Pimple Puss a break. You know.”
“What’s wrong with you?” Paulie asked. “Pimple Puss doesn’t need your help. Are you trying to get in on his tip money? If you need some money you can just come see me, you know.”
“Oh yeah,” Tony said. “I’ll come see you for money while you’re planning your friggin’ wedding. What a good best man I’ll make.”
“So what’s your problem then?” Paulie asked. “Spit it out or stop wasting my time.”
“I saw this porno last night,” Tony said. “This pizza delivery guy came to this chick’s house, and she ended up nailing him when she couldn’t pay. I looked online, and there are dozens, maybe hundreds, or pizza delivery guy pornos. I just want a piece of the action.”
“Porno is fictional,” Paulie said. “You think Pimple Puss is out there, climbing his crater-covered body onto beautiful women who are so hard-up for sex that they need to bang the pizza guy? MADON!”
“So let me deliver so I can prove you right,” Tony said.
“Alright!” Paulie said. “If it’ll shut you up you can make a few deliveries during the week, but only on Pimple Puss’s nights off when we don’t usually deliver.”
“Thanks, boss,” Tony said, smiling. “This is gonna be great!”
“Madon,” Paulie said. “I’m already regretting this.”
“So dat’s your plan?” Da’Quarius asked. Helen grabbed him as soon as he was home from school, making him sit with her on the front porch while Dutchie, Da’Quarius’s pitbull terrier sniffled around the front yard at the end of the leash Da’Quarius held. “You gonna have old people fight and sell it on the internet?”
“No,” Helen replied. “I’m going to have old people fight, and you’re going to sell it on the internet.”
“I cain’t do dat,” Da’Quarius said.
“Sure you can,” Helen said. “Just tape it and put it on the internet.”
“I don’t have dat kind of equipment,” Da’Quarius said.
“Dammit,” Helen muttered.
“But I know who does,” Da’Quarius said.
“Fuck yeah we can do that,” Manny Garcia said.
“Yeah,” Antonio said. “Find the old people and somewhere for them to fight, and we’ll film it.”
“I have the place,” Helen said. “I can get into the bingo hall after hours just fine. I can get the fighters easily enough too. Maury Goudling has been accusing Sam Tapert of trying to mess around with his wife for years. I can talk them into fighting it out. I used to instigate fights all the time to distract the guards when I was doing time up in Havenville.”
“What if Maury’s wife tries to break it up?” Da’Quarius asked.
“She won’t,” Helen said, smiling. “Bitch died last year.”
“Set it up,” Antonio said. “We’ll host the videos on our site, and we’ll split the profit.”
“Got a delivery!” Tony shouted, hanging up the phone. He rushed into the kitchen and started getting the dough ready.
“Pimple Puss doesn’t work on Tuesday nights!” Paulie said, storming out of his office.
“You forgot our deal,” Tony said, eagerly making the pizza. “You said I can make deliveries on the nights he’s not here. Some woman called, and she sounds hot.”
“Oh yeah,” Paulie said. “Your pizza guy porn thing. Go ahead. Just hurry the hell back. Try not to ruin my business by molesting my customers.”
“Molest?!” Tony said. “I’m no woman molester!”
“Just make sure anything you do is consensual,” Paulie said. “That’s all I ask.”
“Oh sure,” Tony said. “Mister big shot gets engaged, and everything needs to be consensual all of a sudden.”
“We have a special treat in store for you tonight!” Helen shouted into the microphone. The bingo hall was full of people, mostly elderly. Word spread quickly through the community about the elderly fight club, and they were very eager to see. “Maury versus Sam. The fight that’s been brewing for years. Tonight, on the first night of Elderly Fight Club, their score will finally be settled.”
“Helen’s really in her element,” Da’Quarius said to Antonio Garcia, who was manning the computer board for the streaming on their site. Manny was doing some flash advertising on social media on his laptop, and their cameraman, Joey E, was aiming his camera at Helen.
“We’re getting a ton of hits already,” Antonio said. “The sick fucks on the web really want to see these old guys beat each other silly.”
“You sure dis is legal?” Da’Quarius asked.
“Oh yeah,” Antonio said. “We’re hosted in a European county that may not even exist anymore. We can’t get in trouble for any of this.”
“I mean Helen running a fight club,” Da’Quarius said.
“No way,” Antonio said. “This is all kinds of illegal.”
“We have to be careful of who hears from the outside too,” Manny said. “Idiots made this place into a Pokemon Go gym.”
“They did?!” Antonio said, taking his phone from his pocket and swiping it open. “My Blastoise is going to taste blood!”
“The combatants are ready!” Helen exclaimed. “You all know the rules: there are none! FIGHT!”
Tony rang the doorbell and waited, looking around the yard of the small house. The door opened a moment later, and a woman stood on the other side, wearing a robe. Her dark hair was wet. A smile crept up Tony’s unshaven face. “Hello,” he said, leaning against the door jamb. “Someone order a pizza?”
“Yes,” the woman said, grabbing her purse from the table by the door. “What do I owe you?”
“Fourteen even,” Tony said. “Plus tip.”
The woman held out seventeen dollars for Tony to take.
“Of course if you can’t pay,” Tony said, “there are other ways.”
“Take the money,” the woman said. “Please.”
Tony took the money and put it in his pocket. He handed her the pizza. “There you go,” he said. “Unless you want to invite me…”
The woman slammed the door, and he could hear the unmistakable sound of the locks being drawn on the other side.
“Prude,” Tony muttered, walking back to his car.
“MAURY WINS!” Helen shouted, holding the bloodied hand of Maury Goulding in the air. He panted, sweat sparkling off his bald head. A wide smile on his face. “He’s finally avenged his wife from this creepy bastard!”
The crowd clapped and started dissipating.
“We’re out!” Antonio shouted, ending the session on his computer.
“I’m going to throw up,” Joey said, putting his camera down.
“You’re not going anywhere,” Helen said. “You’re helping us get these two back to their retirement homes.”
“What?” Da’Quarius asked. “I’m pretty sure dey need a hospital. I ain’t never seen a guy shaped like dat before.” He looking at Sam, who was in a twisted form on the floor. Maury had climbed on top of him, and pummeled him with weak punches until he submitted. Now he breathed shallowly, staring off at nothing.
“OK,” Helen said. “Bring him to a hospital, and explain to them how he got in that shape. Be my guest.”
“Well what do you suggest?” Manny said, approaching with Joey E and Antonio.
“We bring him back to his retirement home,” Helen said, “and we leave him at the base of the stairwell. They’ll think he fell down this stairs, and he’ll get the medical attention he so desperately needs.”
“What about dat guy?” Da’Quarius said nodding toward Maury.
“He’s fine,” Helen said. A second later, Maury fell to the ground.
“Shit,” Helen said. “Better toss him at the bottom of a different stairwell so they don’t suspect anything.”
“That’s it!” Paulie said, storming from his office after getting a phone call from a very annoyed husband of a customer. “No more deliveries for you! What part of consensual do you not understand?!”
“What?” Tony asked. “I didn’t force myself on anyone.”
“Your stood there and suggested she pay you in sex!” Paulie exclaimed.
“I did not!” Tony shouted back. “I only suggested she pay me in something other than cash.”
“Madon,” Paulie said, pulling at his own hair. “I can lose my business over this. All because I was dumb enough to think you could talk to a woman like a human friggin’ being.”
“It won’t happen again, boss,” Tony said.
“You’re right,” Paulie said. “Because you’re never making another delivery again.”
“We have a very special match for you tonight!” Helen shouted into her microphone for their second night in a row of Elderly Fight Club. The crowd was bigger than the last one, and she talked Da’Quarius and the Garcia brothers into doing it again on such short notice.
“How is she sneaking around your other mother to do this?” Manny asked.
“She probably drugged her again,” Da’Quarius said. “I keep tellin’ Helen dat Rose is gonna catch on to it someday, but she don’t care.”
“How’d she talk us into doing this again?” Manny asked, watching Helen introduce the fighters, two old ladies who had an viscous argument over a card game the day before. “I don’t know if the money is worth this.”
“I dunno,” Da’Quarius said. “I had nightmares about dumping da’ old men in da’ stairwells. I’m too afraid to look in the obituaries to see if dey died.”
“This is fucked,” Anotnio said. “Our web traffic is high, but at what price? I don’t know if I’ll be able to look myself in the mirror in the morning after night number two of this.”
“You all know the rules!” Helen shouted.
“THERE ARE NONE!” the crowd exclaimed.
“That’s right!” Helen shouted. “There’s only one more thing left to say…”
“STOP!” a nasally voice shouted. The entire hall turned to see the bald-headed Harold Fuchs walking though the crowd. His black eye from his fight in the park was still healing. “I heard about this, and I somehow knew it was you, Helen.”
“Harold,” Helen said, walking toward her natural enemy. “What brings you here, interrupting my thunder with your flittering?”
“You’re exploiting my fight, making a mockery of what I went through with this fight club,” Harold replied. “I’m going to make you stop.’
“And how do you plan on doing that?” Helen asked.
“By beating you to death,” Harold said. The crowd collectively gasped.
“So you finally want to do this?” Helen asked. “Fine. Next Saturday night. Here. You and me. Winner leaves: loser dies.”
“Fine by me,” Harold said. “Come heavy.”
“I always do,” Helen said. She reached in her pocket and pulled out a pair of brass knuckles. She put one on each fist. “The twins will see you Saturday.”
“I’ll have a surprise for you too, Helen,” Harold said, backing away. “You’ll be sorry you ever crossed me.” He went to the end of the hall and left.
“Where was I?” Helen asked, putting the brass knuckles back into her pockets. “Oh yeah… FIGHT!”
The two old ladies clashed in the middle of the bingo hall. Da’Quarius looked at Antonio. “This needs to end,” Da’Quarius said. “I wish I never got involved.”
“It can’t end,” Manny said, watching the two old ladies fight with a look of horror on his face. “Helen will never let us end it.”
Da’Quarius thought for a moment. “There’s someone who can stop this.”
“I can’t believe I’m gonna snitch,” Da’Quarius said, sitting in Paulie’s office, just hours before Helen’s scheduled fight with Harold, “but I cain’t let Helen keep this going. Especially since she’ll be fighting tonight.”
“She’ll never forgive us if we break up this fight club,” Paulie said. “You did the right thing coming to me, but she despises snitches.”
“I know,” Da’Quarius said. “I just don’t know what to do. I helped her bring two old ladies back to their retirement homes and left them at the base of stairwells. Da employees are gonna catch on soon.”
“There’s a way to do this the right way,” Paulie said. “Helen’s fight club will get broken up, and she won’t know we had anything to do with it.”
“What are we gonna go?” Da’Quarius asked.
“You go help like normal,” Pauile said. “I don’t want her to know you had something to do with what I’m gonna do.”
“Cool,” Da’Quarius said. “I gotta go.”
Paulie waited for Da’Quarius to leave. “Tony!” he called, coming from the office. “Call that cop buddy of yours for me.”
“No,” Tony said.
“Excuse me,” Paulie said. “Give me the number of your cop friend, Rocco Priolo. My sister could be in trouble, and he’s the only cop I can trust not to toss her in jail.”
“I’ll give you the number,” Tony said, “for one delivery.”
“Ah fongool!” Paulie said. “I can’t believe you’d do this to me!”
“One delivery for one phone number,” Tony said. “Deal?”
Paulie stared at Tony. “Fine,” he finally said. “Give me the number, and you can make one delivery.”
Tony pulled his phone from his pocket, swiped at it, and handed the phone to Paulie. “There you go,” he said. “I’m taking the next delivery a hot-sounding chick calls in.”
“NEXT UP!” Helen shouted, holding the microphone. “It’s my fight against Harold, the bastard!”
“To the death!” Harold shouted.
Helen pulled her brass knuckles from her pocket and put on on each fist. “The twins are out again,” she said, knocking them together. “Who’d did you bring?”
Harold stripped from his jacket, letting it fall to the floor. He was wearing an Asian robe with yellow trim. He reached behind him and pulled out a nunchuck. “I brought the baby,” he said. The crowd went crazy at the sight.
“What are you going to do with that?” Helen asked. “Other than sticking back up your butt?”
“I’ll show you!” Harold said, twirling the nunchuck. “I’ve been watching non-stop Kung Fu movies ever since those two jumping beans got me by the park. Prepare to see the fruits of my labor.”
“I only see a fruit,” Helen said, chuckling.
Harold swung the nunchuck downward, and it swung on its chain, returning up and hitting Harold in his face. “Ow!” Harold said, holding his nose and dropping his nunchuck. “I think I broke my nose.”
Helen laughed. “I guess your baby is stillborn!” she exclaimed. “I’m going to enjoy this.”
“Holy shit!” Joey said, dropping the camera and running away with the small crowd.
“What the fuck!” Manny said, grabbing his laptop and running behind him.
“What’s goin’ on?” Da’Quarius asked as Manny bolted.
“Freeze!” Officer Priolo shouted, coming into the hall with his gun raised. All who hadn’t noticed him were now running through the opposite doors.
“Shit,” Da’Quarius said, running as Manny had. “I’m gettin’ my black ass outta here. Helen’s on her own.”
“Oh hell,” Helen muttered. She threw her brass knuckles down and pointed at Harold. “THIS MAN IS ASSAULTING ME!”
“Thanks, Unca Paulie,” Da’Quarius said, coming back into Pauile’s Pizza. “Rocco let Helen off with a warning for organizing a fight club, and everyone got away. She doesn’t know we set her up.”
“You’re welcome,” Paulie said, dropping a pizza off at a table and rushing back to the kitchen. Da’Quarius followed.
“Good thing Tony is friends with the only crooked cop we can count on,” Da’Quarius said.
“Look,” Paulie said, kneading dough. “It’s busy as hell, and Tony isn’t here. We can reflect on this conclusion another time.”
“Where’s Tony?” Da’Quarius asked.
“Hey,” Tony said, holding a pizza as the front door of eleven Lawrence Street opened. “Someone order something hot and Italian?”
“Yes,” the woman said, opening the door. “I need to run upstairs and grab my purse. Come on in. You can put the pizza on the kitchen table.”
“Alright,” Tony said, smiling. He sauntered into the he house with a wide smile on his face. He looked around as he placed the pizza box on the kitchen table. He listened to the woman upstairs, moving about. “She’s stripping.”
Tony decided to do the same, so they could get right down to business when she returned. He pulled off his wife-beater, jeans, and boxers, letting them fall to the floor. He thought about the most hardcore porno scene he could think of to get himself ready. He heard the footsteps behind him as he became ready.
“So,” Tony said, turning around. “How are you going to pay?”
Tony looked into the face of the woman, her husband, and their two kids. “Oh my God!” the woman said, dragging her kids of of the room. The husband stood there, staring angrily at the nude pizza man standing there, fully erect. He cracked his knuckles.
“So no tip?” Tony asked.
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