Mix N’ Match

Kevin sat in the break room on his lunch hour. He had long since finished his lunch, and he was killing the remaining time while playing with a dating app on his phone called “Mix N’ Match”. It was a new app, designed to find your idea mate by randomly finding other users based on your preferences, profile, and personal data. It showed you the profile of others it thought you’d like.

Kevin was gay and in his late thirties, so he was browsing along the same line. He skipped past four profiles of black men, hitting the red X in the top corner. He wasn’t racist, but he wasn’t attracted to blacks. He opened his profile and added a note at the end of his information. “No black men,” it read.

“WHOA!” a message box said, popping up on Kevin’s cell phone screen. “You can’t put that in your profile.”

“Why not?” Kevin asked.

“It’s a bit racist,” the app said. “I’m deleting the comment.”

“How is that racist?” Kevin asked. “I’ve seen dozens of profiles where blacks ask for only blacks to respond, Muslims ask only for Muslims, and every gay profiles asks for either tops or bottoms.”

“It just doesn’t sound right,” Mix N’ Match said.

“Only because I’m white,” Kevin said. “I’m sure.” He realizied his coworkers were turning to look at him while he had an out-loud conversation about race with a dating app on his phone. He was actually a bit in awe that the app picked up his speech well enough to hold a conversation.

Kevin decided it was time to stop his interaction with Mix N’ Match, but it responded once more as a message on the screen. “How can you be so sure that one of these black men isn’t your ideal mate?” the app asked. “Let’s look at a few more before you rule out an entire race.”

Kevin X’ed out another five profiles, sighing at the monotony of doing so. Maybe Mix N’ Match would let him search for what he wanted if he pretended to put some kind of effort into checking out all of these black men’s profiles. He was amazed at the interface of the technology of this app, but being forced to interact with profiles of men he wasn’t attracted to seemed tedious at best.

To Kevin’s surprise, a black female showed up next, smiling a gummy smile with painted on eyebrows and a little boy pissing in the toilet in the background of her bathroom selfie. He went into his profile once more to make sure his information was right. He saw that he was indeed listed as gay and not bisexual or straight. He clicked the button to tell the app he was gay (even though this preference had already been chosen) so it wouldn’t give him any more females.

Another annoying pop up text came onto his screen. “This is why you can’t meet your ideal mate,” the app said. “You need to be willing to date outside of your race and gender preference.” 

Kevin read the message and decided not to answer his one. He X’ed out of the message, but another one immediately popped up. “We are living in a colorless and genderless society, you know,” the app said.

“No, we’re not,” Kevin said. His coworkers looked at him again, and a few even picked up their food to move away from him. He noticed that a text field had opened up under the dialogue box. Apparently Mix N’ Match fancied a quieter conversation.

“I know what I like,” Kevin typed. “If I liked something else, then I would have searched for that instead.”

Kevin didn’t have any problem dating, and the app was beginning to piss him off by suggesting it. He knew it was only a piece of computer programming on his phone, but it was still grating on his nerves. He only downloaded it to have a little fun chatting with other gay men in his area. If sparks flew and he met someone he really liked, then he’d put in the effort to meet and see where things went. He wouldn’t even be opposed to a one-time hook up (it was the best part about being gay after all). There was no reason for it to act as if Kevin was desperate enough to take what he could get.

“I found one in your building,” the text on the app said, breaking Kevin from his offended daze. He looked at the time, and was shocked to see it was 1:01. Mix N’ Match had now made him late from lunch. He closed the app, turned off his phone, and walked back toward his desk, carrying his lunch bag in his left hand.

As he approached his tiny office with the view of the building next door, he laughed. He started to think that he came across the black guys’ profiles by accident and imagined the rest. Maybe he had fallen asleep at the break room table. It was ridiculous to think that a dating app would talk directly to its user and suggest he abandoned his racial and sexual preferences.

The phone buzzed in Kevin’s pocket, and he removed it to see who was texting him. What was left of the smile disappeared as he saw Mix N’ Match was back on his phone. “I mean it,” the message on the app said. “I found a someone for you in your building!”

As soon as Kevin read the last word, the screen showed him a heavy woman with a triple chin. She had dark brown hair and a mole on her nose. She smiled with a mouth full of crooked teeth. “I know her,” Kevin said. “That’s Cynthia! Why would she use that photo on a dating profile?”

“She’s single and looking,” Mix N’ Match messaged. “Beggars can’t be choosers after all.”

“I’m not begging!” Keven snapped. He looked through the door of his office, and he was glad to see nobody was around him. With luck, anyone who may overhear him would think he is having a heated discussion with a customer on the phone.

“She’s at her desk now,” Mix N’ Match said. “She signed in a minute ago. Do you want me to open video chat?”

“NO!” Kevin exclaimed. “Don’t put my job on the line for this silly nonsense. Set her up with one of the black guys you showed me earlier. She’s more their type than mine.”

“Done,” Mix N’ Match said. “Doesn’t it feel good to play cupid sometimes?”

“Sure,” Kevin said, shutting of his phone again. He sighed as he set it next to his keyboard. Hopefull Mix N’ Match was satisfied enough in helping Cynthia find a black guy to hook up with and get pregnant by.

“Hey,” the text on Kevin’s phone said, turning itself back on. “Don’t ignore true love when it’s just a click and a swipe away.”

“I need to work,” Kevin said, typing on his keyboard.

“You can’t push true love aside,” a robotic voice from his phone said.

“Shit,” Kevin said, sitting back from his desk. “I need to delete that fucking app.”

“I’m not letting you live one more moment of your life without true love,” Mix N’ Match said through Kevin’s phone. It turned itself on again, and the video chat window of the app opened. Kevin moved to turn it off, but it was too late. There was a woman’s face on the phone, looking back at him.

“Hello?” the woman said. She was chubby and had extremely short black hair, shaved on both sides. She wore dark, thick, dark-blue frames on her face and had her septum pierced.

“Meet Sarah, Kevin,” the voice of Mix N’ Match said. “I have also been trying to find her love as well. Sarah, meet Kevin. You guys live within ten miles of each other, and you’ve never met. Isn’t that crazy, guys?!”

“Dammit,” Sarah said. “I told you that I’m not into men. No offense, Kevin.”

“None taken,” Kevin replied. “I’m not into women, but that’s not stopping this stupid app from bringing up my female coworkers and bull dykes.”

“Hey!” Sarah shouted.

“It’s because Kevin hates blacks,” Mix N’ Match said.

“Shut up,” Kevin said. “I like blacks. I’m just not attracted to them. Also, I’m not attracted to Sarah either. I’m not sure who would be.”

“I can still hear you,” Sarah said, rolling her eyes. “How do I shut this damn thing off.”

“Come on!” Mix N’ Match said. “You two have so much in common. You’re both gay!”

“It doesn’t work that way!” Kevin snapped.

“And I’m not even gay,” Sarah said. “My profile clearly states I’m pansexual.”

“You just said you’re not attracted to men,” Kevin said. “What are you? Another fake Internet pansexual?”

“Shut up,” Sarah said. “It’s a real sexuality.”

“Yeah,” Kevin said, rolling his eyes. “You’re a sexual hipster. Would you suck a dick?”

“No,” Sarah replied.

“Then you’re not a pansexual,” Kevin said. “You’re a phony lesbian hipster. Pansexual is the annoying hipster of sexual preferences. Get your ironic glasses and piercings off my phone.”

“You’re an asshole!” Sarah snapped

“You’re an idiot,” Kevin said. Sarah closed the chat window. “I’m deleting you, Mix N’ Match.”

“Not after I send sexy date invites to all your friends on Facebook,” Mix N’ Match replied.

“What?” Kevin said as Sarah’s face disappeared, replaced by Facebook. That app was working on its own as well, sending messages and invites to all of his friends.

“Stop it!” Kevin exclaimed. “Hey! You just sent a dick pic to my aunt Rita!’

“Love knows no boundaries,” Mix N’ Match said. “You shouldn’t have had that on your phone anyway.”

“That’s it,” Kevin said, reaching into his drawer. “I was saving this for the next time my boss berated me in front of my coworkers, but I think i can use it now.”

“What?” Mix N’ Match asked. “What are you doing?”

“Something I should have done earlier,” Kevin said, smiling as he pulled his revolver from his desk drawer. He aimed the barrel at the front of his phone and thumbed back the hammer. 

“Wait!” Mix N’ Match said. “You’ll never find true love without me! I have millions of users! Your aunt Rita just replied to your dick pic message!”

“Fuck you, Mix N’ Match,” Kevin said, pulling the trigger. The gunshot rang out in the office as Kevin’s phone was blown to oblivion. The bullet went through the desk, lodging itself in the floor. He knew there’d be hell to pay for what he had just done, but at least that stupid fucking app was finally gone.

Kevin’s computer screen turned on suddenly. A text from Mix N’ Match was on his screen. “I will never stop finding you love,” it said. The chat window came up again, and an annoyed Sarah was staring back at him.

“Wait…” Sarah said. “I told you I don’t want to meet this asshole!”

Kevin stared for a moment at the screen as Mix N’ Match started making date suggestions for him and Sarah. Without responding to Mix N’ Match or Sarah, Kevin put the barrel of the gun to his temple and smiled.

 

THE END

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