Freedom Lane: The Lesbionic Woman
“Hurry the hell up!” Helen shouted from the passenger seat of Rose’s Camry. “They’ll give my appointment to a Mexican with a bad back if we don’t hurry up.”
“No problem,” Da’Quarius said. “Just get dat biddy fixed up. She been cranky as fuck wit dat sore-ass hip.”
“I’ll fix you up!” Helen said, shaking her fist. “Fix you up good, you little shit.”
“You’ll have to catch me!” Da’Quarius said. “Good luck with dat bum-ass hip.”
“I’ll get you when I recover,” Helen shouted. “You’ll see! I’ll be better, stronger, faster.”
“OK,” Biddy,” Da’Quarius said. “Maybe you get squeekier if you don’t oil up dat new axle dey givin’ you. Seriously, Helen. Good luck.”
“Better,” Helen muttered, giving Da’Quarius the stink-eye as Rose got in the driver’s seat, “stronger, faster.”
Season 7, Episode 2: The Lesbionic Woman
“Y’all ready for dis?!” Da’Quarius exclaimed, clutching the microphone as he walked back and forth on the stage of his school’s auditorium. The house speakers blared a rap beat. “I asked y’all: ARE YOU READY FOR DA DEE-QUIZZY?!”
The crowd roared except for one boy in the back, who watched with great interest while Da’Quarius rapped.
“♪Yo check it! Check it!
Yo demeanor got me vexed!
You ain’t even complex!
Matter fact, you straight pussy like Kotex!
I ain’t even gonna show you yo girl’s texts!
But I tell you she sext!
And her pussy wet!♪”
Jacob Mendleson continued to watch from the back row of the auditorium, formulating a plan. He smiled and nodded as Da’Quarius continued his rap.
“♪Let’s talk ’bout Reality!
You say you as bad as me!
But in fact you shook off da gravity!
Turn back now, Son. Avoid another tragedy♪”
“You did great up there,” Jacob said, approaching Da’Quarius in the hallway after the school’s talent show. He was tall, had jet-black hair, and a greasy complexion. He was probably only months away from the rash of acne that would come when his puberty hit full swing.
“Yeah,” Da’Quarius said, holding a small, silver trophy. “I guess dat’s why Sue Rosen beat me wit dat damn Taylor Swift imitation bullshit. Fuck dis white-ass school. After I cleaned up my lyrics an’ everything.”
“I mean it,” Jacob said. “You’d be even greater with the right kind of equipment behind you. All you had up there was an MP3 and a microphone, and everyone went crazy for the Dee-Quizzy. I got some recording and amplifier equipment for my bar mitzvah, and I’ve been dying to try it out. You interested?”
“Interested in what?” Da’Quarius asked. “Rappin’ to you in yo dad’s basement?”
“No,” Jacob said. “Performing. I got a cousin who loves old school rap music, and his own bar mitzvah is coming up. We can probably make some good money if you perform. Are you in?”
Helen walked down the street with Rose. Her new hip was in place, and she had recovered quickly. “I can’t believe how well you’re getting along,” Rose said.
“You know me,” Helen replied. “I’ve always been a fast healer. It’s my great genes.”
“But this is nothing short of miraculous,” Rose said. “I can’t believe it.”
“I feel sprier than I have in years!” Helen said, skipping a bit. “This new hip joint is fantastic!”
“Help!” a woman shouted a block away. “My baby is trapped!”
“What’s that?” Rose asked, shielding her eyes from the sun to see.
“There’s a baby trapped in that upside-down burning car!” Helen said, looking down the street. “Let’s go see if we can help.”
“Helen, no!” Rose shouted, trying to run to keep up. “Let the fire department handle it!”
“That baby could die before they make it,” Helen said. She made her way to the scene of the accident. “What can I do?”
“My baby!” the woman shouted. “I can’t get him out!”
“Leave it to me!” Helen said, bending next to the over-turned car.
“YOU CAN’T DO IT, HELEN!” Rose shouted.
“The hell I can’t,” Helen muttered. She began to lift, feeling power surge through her body from her new hip. She thought her body would be torn in half by the weight of the car, but she was able to lift if up with no problem whatsoever. The baby that was trapped inside came crawling out on its own, cooing away happily.
“My baby!” the woman shouted, scooping up her son. “Thank you so much! What’s your name?”
“The name’s Helen,” Helen said, the car exploding in a ball of fire and smoke behind her. “Helen Masters.”
“Wow,” Da’Quaruis said, watching Jacob’s friends unload all of his recording equipment at his cousin’s bar mitzvah. “You weren’t kiddin’ ’bout dat shit. Jewish Santa hooked you up!”
“My dad bought it from his Uncle,” Jacob said. “He was retiring from the recording business, so he got a really good deal. This stuff was brand new in the box and everything.”
“How much did yo cousin give you?” Da’Quarius asked.
“Five hundred for the hour and a half,” Jacob said.
“Five hundred!?” Da’Quarius said. “Damn! Dis gonna be a good day!”
“I just need you to sign something real quick,” Jacob said, bringing a folded document out of his jacket pocket.
“What’s dis?” Da’Quarius asked, walking to the table as Jacob unfolded the paper.
“Just a release with some notes on it,” Jacob said. “They’ll be recording this, so Isaac will remember his bar mitzvah. Just need to make sure you’re cool with being recorded.”
“Oh yeah,” Da’Quarius said, signing the paper. “I been on TV before. I’ve signed a coupla a’ dese release forms.”
“Cool,” Jacob said, taking the paper and pen and putting them back into his inside pocket. “You ready for the show?”
“Fuck yeah I am,” Da’Quarius said. “Point me to da stage.”
“I still can’t believe it,” Rose said. “It’s just a new hip. How did it make you super strong?”
“I don’t know,” Helen said, walking back toward their Freedom Lane home after saving the trapped infant. “I could feel the hip joint, making me stronger. I feel like I can run a hundred miles an hour too.”
“Can you?” Rose asked.
“Only one way to find out!” Helen said. She ran up the street, whizzing by some Girl Scouts with flyers for cookies. The flyers flew in the air as they spun like tops when Helen passed. She cackled as she turned a corner and ran around the block and back next to Rose.
“Wow!” Rose said.
“I didn’t even break a sweat,” Helen said with a small smile. “Want to get home so we can see what else I can do?”
“Sure,” Rose said, becoming flushed. “Just do one more thing… Please.”
“Anything,” Hellen replied.
“Carry me home,” Rose said. “Like Superman used to do with Lois Lane. I always thought of you as a sexier Superman.”
“Sure thing, sweetheart,” Helen said, picking up Rose. Rose put her arm around Helen’s neck. “Ready?”
“Ready,” Rose replied. Helen smiled once more and sped home with Rose in her arms.
“I’m out mo’ fuckers!” Da’Quarius said, finishing up his hour and a half long rap performance. “Happy bar mitzvah, Isaac!”
The crowd of pre-teen jews cheered as Da’Quarius left the stage. Jacob was waiting for him, clapping as well. “That was lots better than your performance at school,” he said. “You see what I meant about having the right equipment and management behind you.”
“I know what you’re sayin’,” Da’Quarius said. “But I need to jet. I promised my Unca Paulie I’d help him out after dis party. Mind if I get paid right quick so I can go.”
“Sure,” Jacob said, reaching into his inside pocket and pulling out a black leather wallet. He pulled out two bills: A hundred and a fifty.
“What’s dis?” Da’Quarius said, taking the money. “You said dat dey paid five hundred.”
“They did,” Jacob said. “That’s five hundred for the show. Minus the money I paid to have the equipment moved in and taken out, equipment rental fee, and my cut.”
“But it’s your equipment!” Da’Quarius said. “Why should renting it come from my cut and into yo pocket?!”
“I didn’t say the five hundred was all your cut,” Jacob said. “You should have read the contract before you signed it.”
“You told me dat was release for da cameras!” Da’Quarius snapped.
“Did I?” Jacob said, trying his best to look genuinely confused. “I didn’t mention about the fees that would come out for equipment rental, moving, and the minimum number of shows?”
“You best start makin’ sense,” Da’Quarius said, balling his fist. The three kids that Jacob hired walked up behind him.
“You should have read before you signed,” Jacob said, smiling slyly. “I’ll have a copy sent to you once it’s filed at my father’s law office. See you later.”
“NOBODY MOVE!” the masked Rizzo shouted, holding his gun to the bank teller’s head. “Empty the tills into my friends’ bags, and this nice young lady won’t get her brains splattered all over the carpet.”
The other tellers started doing as Rizzo asked, passing stacks of bills over to the other ski-masked bank robbers. “Why don’t you pick on someone your own size!” Helen said, walking with a purpose through the bank.
“Back off, lady,” Rizzo said, aiming his gun at her face. “I’ll think nothing about dropping your wrinkly ass.”
“You can try,” Helen said, shrugging. “Come on. I dare you.”
Rizzo’s finger started to squeeze the trigger, but Helen was behind him in a moment, grasping him in a sleeper hold. It only took two more seconds for her to drop him on the ground, unconscious.
“She moved like a blur!” another bank robber said.
“Anyone else wanna try me?” Helen asked, turning towards the others.
“You may have gotten the drop on Rizzo, but you can’t beat all four of us!” one of them said.
Helen cracked her neck. “Let’s play, pansies.”
Da’Quarius sat at his lunch table on Monday afternoon, eating his sandwich and chips when Jacob sat across from him. “Step da fuck on outta here,” he said. “We ain’t friends.”
“Sure we are,” Jacob said. “Probably most like business associates though, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends too. I just wanted to let you know that we have another gig on Saturday in the early afternoon. A friend of Isaac’s loved your show, and he wants you to play his birthday party. I told him we’d be there.”
“Mother fucker, I told you dat I work with my uncle on Saturdays,” Da’Quarius said. “I don’t have time for another gig. He gonna get pissed if I book off another Saturday.”
“We have a contract,” Jacob said, shrugging. “Guess you’re uncle’s going to have to do without you.”
“You a shady mo’ fucker, Mendleson” Da’Quarius said.
“See you Saturday,” Jacob said, leaving Da’Quarius to his lunch. Before he could throw his lunch away with disgust, another boy sat next to him. He was short, chubby, and wore a yamaka tail his head of short, curly hair.
“Trouble with Jacob?” he asked.
“No offense,” Da’Quarius said. “But I’ve had enough of surprise visits from you guys.”
“None taken,” the boy said. “My name is David Silverberg, and I have a way to get Jacob to give up that contract of his.”
“How do you know ’bout dat?” Da’Quarius asked.
“He always tricks people into signing those,” David said. “His father’s the shiestiest lawyer in New Haven. You’d have a hard time breaking free without the right leverage. I have that kind of leverage you can use against him.”
“An’ what do you want in return?” Da’Quarius asked. “You want me to sign with you? Not happenin’.”
“I just don’t want to see Jacob do this to another person,” David replied, dropping a manilla envelope on the table. “I don’t care who knows anymore.”
David walked away, leaving the cafeteria as Jacob had done minutes before him. When he was alone, he opened the envelope and looked at the contents. “Gotdamn,” he said. “You really hookin’ a brotha up, David.”
Helen and Rose sat in their living room, watching the five o’clock news. “Our breaking story tonight comes out of New Haven,” the handsome anchor, Troy McWonderful said. “A group of Neo-Nazi art thieves were thwarted and beaten senseless by a seventy-nine year old woman. Most may not make to to jail alive due to their injuries, but…”
“I still can’t believe all this,” Rose said. “The super strength, the ultra-fast speed, and the x-ray vision. How can all this have come from your new hip?”
“Must be making them out of stronger stuff nowadays,” Helen said. “I told that little brat not to mock me.”
The TV went staticky, and Harold Fuch’s wrinkly face and bald head filled the screen. “Good evening, Helen,” he said. “I see you’ve been in the news a lot lately.”
“What of it?” Helen asked. “Turn on Jeopardy, Rose.”
“It’s too early for Jeopardy!” Harold snapped.
“Aren’t you curious as to why Harold is on our TV?” Rose asked.
“You aren’t the only special one anymore,” Harold said. “I had my prostatectomy two days ago. Looks like my operation gave me super powers too. Lee, pan out.”
The camera backed up, revealing Harold in his entirety. He was dressed in a leather cat costume with pink fur around his neck, wrists, and ankles. Helen guffawed with laughter at the sight of him.
“How dare you mock the malicious Meow-Man?!” Harold snapped.
Helen’s laughter redoubled. “MEOW-MAN?!” she exclaimed. “What’s the matter? Was the incredible Pussy-Mouth taken?!”
“Meet me, Helen Masters,” Harold said. “I have a bus full of orphan cheerleaders, and I’ll burn them alive if you cannot best me in the field of battle.”
The screen went black, and Helen stood up. “You can’t,” Rose said. “This is crazy.”
“I have to meet him,” Helen said. “I refuse to let those orphan cheerleaders suffer.”
“Then go,” Rose said. “Save them.”
“You got it,” Helen said. She kissed Rose. “I’m going to kick that pussy’s ass.”
“You’re early,” Jacob said as Da’Quarius entered the hall where they were setting up for the birthday party. “I like that about you.”
“I’m only stoppin’ by before I head to Paulie’s,” Da’Quarius said. “I just wanna drop somethin’ off.” He handed an envelope to Jacob.
“What’s this?” Jacob asked, opening the envelope.
“My resignation, bitch,” Da’Quarius said.
Jacob’s eyes widened as he looked at what was inside. “Where’d you get these pictures?” he asked.
“You shoulda checked for cameras before you start kissin’ other boys at Hebrew camp,” Da’Quarius said. “Is that David from school? I think I recognize the yamaka.”
“What do you want?” Jacob asked. “You want me to tear up your contract?”
“No,” Da’Quarius replied. “Yo father already made yo dumbass contract null and void when I visited his office and showed him.”
“You bastard,” Jacob said. “He’s going to send me back to that anti-gay camp again.”
“Damn, you gay Hebrews got a lot of camps,” Da’Quarius said. “Peace out.”
“So you blackmailed him into letting you out of your contract?” Paulie asked after listening to Da’Quarius’ story as they walked through the halls of Yale hospital.
“Yeah,” Da’Quarius said. “Now he had to go back to gay camp.”
Paulie laughed. “Helen will be proud of you when she hears,” he said.
“I hope she’s OK after everything,” Da’Quarius said.
“Don’t worry about Helen,” Paulie said. “She’ll be fine.”
Paulie and Da’Quarius entered Helen’s room. Rose was sitting by the bed. “Good news,” she said. “She’s waking up!”
“She gonna be cranky?” Da’Quarius asked.
“Helen’s cranky after being woken from an afternoon nap,” Paulie replied. “She’s been in a coma for the better part of two weeks. She’s going to rip shit when she wakes up.”
“Oh yeah,” Da’Quarius said, reaching in his pocket. “I got this card from a lawyer who says this is clearly anesthesia poisoning. He’ll help you sue da doctors here. He so hungry to sue Yale dat he’d even take the case from someone dat outed his son.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Da’Quarius,” Rose said, looking at the worried-looking doctor from the corner of her eye while putting Thomas Mendleson’s card in her pocket.
Helen laughed as she slept. “Look,” Rose said, smiling. “She’s finishing up her dream.”
Helen laughed over the beaten body of the villain called Meow-Man. “Where are those orphaned cheerleaders?” she asked.
“You really did it?” Meow-Man asked. “You really became a hero?”
Helen turned, seeing the bus with the captive cheerleaders. “Found them,” Helen said, walking toward the bus.
“You’ll never be the hero, Helen!” Meow-Man called. “Also, you know you’re having a coma dream, right?”
“Shut up, Harold,” Helen said. “Your not going to interrupt my cheerleader orgy.”
Helen’s eyes fluttered open, and she looked at her family and the doctor around her bed. “Shit,” she groaned. “Fuckin cheerleader orphans waiting for me to save them, and I’m back here.”
“Yeah,” Da’Quarius said. “She cranky as fuck.”