The Funniest Guy on the Internet
The following is a work of “fiction”.
Saul Pare sat at his kitchen table, waiting for his ham to finish warming in the oven. He heard his two german shepherds, Kyle and Peaches, playing in their pen behind the house. His house was quiet; but it was always this way, because he lived alone.
Sure, Saul could have had a wife and two point whatever kids, but no woman he interacted with had a sense of humor that could keep up with his own. He’d chatted up many women from OKCupid, and they always ended with his messages and texts getting ignored. Saul wondered when he’d find a woman online who wasn’t a stuck up pig, but he didn’t hold much hope. He stayed content sexting with the women from twitter until they eventually blocked him -mostly because he was too real for them, and they preferred their fake husbands over him.
Saul refreshed his notifications on Twitter for the twelfth time since putting the ham in the oven. He had a tweet of solid gold he had thought of on the way home, but it had only gained two stars in twenty minutes. He got tired of waiting, so he flipped over to his other account (a busty Latina girl name Rita) to start the retweet wagon rolling. Now he had three stars and one retweet, but he knew more stars would be rolling in soon enough. It was almost prime time for tweeting after all.
There wasn’t much action over on Facebook either. The meme about Hilary Clinton he posted only got a few likes. He sighed as he wondered what he was doing wrong. he was a funny guy. Everyone said so at work. His twitter crush used to tell him in DM that he was funny all the time until she deleted her account and disappeared from the face of the earth. It wasn’t too long after he began sending her videos of himself masturbating to completion, but he figured that was a coincidence. What woman didn’t want to see a man ejaculate over the internet just for her first thing in the morning? She had never said anything even remotely close to indicating that she didn’t want to see it anyway. Women were funny like that.
Saul’s phone buzzed in his hand, and his excitement grew. Someone had replied to one of his Facebook posts! He opened the app, but the response wasn’t to his Clinton joke. She was responding to a post from last night where he called all Taylor Swift fans a bunch of little cunts.
“Real nice,” the woman, who was one of his four hundred and ninety seven friends, replied. “Another guy who thinks being shocking is the same as being funny like a Howard Stern wannabe.”
Saul deleted the comment. She didn’t understand comedy like he understood it. Shocking people was just as good as making them laugh. She was shocked into making the bitchy comment on his post, but she’d be laughing about it when her shock wore off. Shock comedy was the best kind of comedy, and Saul knew that well.
Saul sighed as the oven dinged, signaling his ham was ready. He pulled it from the oven with a pink oven mitt and set it atop the stove. He wished he could do something that would go viral, so that everyone can see he was actually as funny as he knew he was. He looked at the ham as he wished he could think of something that would get passed around like a great Kermit the Frog or Willy Wonka meme. Then it hit him.
If Saul couldn’t be funny joking; then he would make the most shockingly funny movie the internet has ever seen, and he knew just how to do it. He’d film himself making sweet and salty love to the ham he had just cooked! He would never be able to bring himself to make love to a live animal (as hilarious as it would be), but he had no problem if it was bought in a supermarket, dead, and cooked.
He ran into his basement to look through his old tools. There were a lot of old stuff that was there when he bought the house, and he found what he was looking for after only a few minutes: an old-fashioned hand-drill.
Saul set his phone on its stand, making sure he’d be able to film the ham and not his face. This was going to be way too epic for just a short Vine movie, so he’d have some editing to do on his computer tonight. Once it was done, he’d upload it and send it out into the world. With the phone aimed at the ham, Saul hit record and began drilling.
The old hand-cranked drill spun, tearing a hole into the meat. He grunted as he spun the crank harder, drilling faster. Meat and juices spilled out as he pulled the drill from the hole. He had made a hole just big enough for his penis. Saul started laughing to himself as he let his pants fall to the ground. He pulled his prick from his boxers, still giggling to himself.
“Wait a second,” Saul said to himself. “I better practice safe sex!” He paused the video app on his phone and ran off to his bedroom, opened his nightstand drawer, and pulled out a box of expired condoms. “Ribbed for her pleasure. Perfect.”
With his pants on the floor a moment later, Saul stuck his erect penis into his hand-drilled ham. It was still warm, but not hot enough to burn him. He started slow, letting the moist meat caress him as he slid in and out. He grasped the ham with both hands as he picked up the pace, letting the juice from the plate spill all over the floor.
“You like that, you fat bitch?!” Saul exclaimed, trying hard to control his laughter. “I know you do. Take it!”
The expired condom broke, and to his surprise, Saul felt himself climaxing quickly once his penis was rubbing against the inside of the warm ham. It had been a while since he’s had enough money to buy a cheap motel and a whore, but he thought the ham was a reasonable substitution. He grabbed the ham harder as he felt the end coming. He grunted, squeezing the meat as the juices oozed through his fingers during his ejaculation. He finished in the ham, staying inside of it for an extra few seconds to ensure it would all stay inside the hole.
Saul backed up from his handy work. He pulled a dish rag from the counter and wiped the ejaculate and ham juice from his rapidly shrinking penis and tossed it aside. He pulled up his pants and boxers with a satisfied smile on his face. He was now laughing (he intended to cut the laughter from his comedic masterpiece later), but he felt there was still something missing. Something needed to be done to tie it all together.
Kyle and Peaches barked from their outside pen, and Saul knew how to end his video. He opened the kitchen window and aimed his phone’s camera into the dog’s pen so they were both visible. He hit record again. The dogs were near the window now, trying to see what their master wanted of them. To their surprise and delight, an entire ham came sailing out of the window, landing between them with a splat.
Saul’s camera caught the dogs ravaging and eating the post-coitus ham. Saul had to put his hand in his mouth to keep from guffawing on tape as his dogs tore apart and ate it. They finished eating it within a couple of minutes. Saul stopped his recording and took his phone into his office to edit his video.
There were a lot of people on the internet who needed to be shocked into laughter tonight.