“Oh!” Paulie shouted as Dutchie jumped all around him.”Where’s my greeting? The only one happy to see me is this hyperactive dog!”
“Shut it, Paulie,” Helen said, walking out of the kitchen with a tray of roasted potatoes, setting them on the dining room table. “We’re getting dinner ready. Come sit your ass down.”
Rose followed with a plate of sliced ham. “Hello, Paulie,” She said, putting the plate down next to the potatoes. “Da’Qaurius is out with a friend, so it’s just us tonight.”
“I know,” Paulie said, sitting down. “We planned it that way.”
“What?” Helen asked. “What are you two stunads up to now?”
“You guys need a vacation after what you just went through,” Paulie said. “You know… to reconnect. I know you won’t put out the money to take one on your own, Helen. I’ve decided to forgo my trip to my timeshare this year, and let you guys have a whack at it.”
“You own a timeshare?” Rose asked.
“No he doesn’t,” Helen said, scowling. “He won a bet against that slime-ball, Luca DiGenovese, and he’s allowed to use his summer home on the water in Jersey twice a year for a weekend.”
“And I’m giving one of those weekends to you,” Paulie said. “I’ll be too busy to use it, since I’ll be working on my booth for the New Haven Clamfest this year. It will be stocked with food and booze and whatever else you gals need. There’s a hot tub and a huge master bedroom. All expenses paid!”
“Is it OK?” Rose asked. “I don’t know Luca at all. What do you think, Helen?”
“We won’t have to deal with Luca?” Helen asked.
“Not at all,” Paulie said. “He almost never shows up on my weekends.”
“Almost never?” Helen asked.
“Almost never,” Paulie replied.
Helen stared at Paulie for a moment. “Fuck it,” she said, putting some sliced ham on her plate. “My wrinkly ass could use a long dip in that hot tub.”
Created, written, & directed by Budgerigar Orville Bigelow
Season 6, Episode 2: Paulie’s Timeshare
“Here you go,” Paulie said, walking Da’Quarius over to Manny and Antonio’s house.
“What’s wrong wit’chu?” Da’Quarius asked. “You supposed to watch me, and da Garcias are s’posed to watch Dutchie. You just waitin’ til Helen an’ Rose left to ditch my black ass?”
“It’s not like that,” Paulie said. “I forgot that a had a date tonight. I don’t need her finding a thirteen year old kid in my house if it goes well, ya dig?”
“I dig,” Da’Quarius said. “It’s still mo’ fuckin’ bullshit.”
“Just get in there,” Paulie said, knocking on the door of the Garcias’ house. “And don’t tell Helen.”
“You owe me,” Da’Quarius said. “And you still haven’t gotten me back for takin’ Tony to dat damn concert.”
“I’ll make it up to you,” Paulie said. “I’ll let you take a friend or two to my timeshare on my next weekend.”
The door opened and Manny Garcia stood inside. “Da’Quarius!” he shouted. “We’ll take good care of him, Paulie Pizza.”
“Just Paulie is fine,” Paulie said. “And my last name isn’t Pizza.”
“It’s not?” Manny asked. “How come you always say it when we call you?”
“You’re calling my pizzeria, Paulie’s Pizza,” Paulie said.
“I thought it was named after you,” Manny said.
“It is,” Paulie said, sighing. “My name is Paulie, and I make pizza in my pizzeria. Hence the name: Paulie’s Pizza.”
“Oh,” Manny said. “Can we get two large pepperoni pizzas and a medium mushroom?”
Paulie rolled his eyes. “Call when we’re open,” he said. “It’s on me tonight since you’re watching the kid. Make sure you ask for Tony when you call. He knows.”
“Deal,” Manny said, shaking Paulie’s hand vigorously. “You won’t regret this, Paulie.”
“Why would you even say that?” Paulie asked. “Just promise me you won’t let the kid see any of that porno stuff you guys got going on in there.”
“You have my word,” Manny said, putting a hand on his chest.
Helen and Rose walked into the small summer cottage. They put their suitcases next to the couch. “Nice place,” Helen said, looking around.
“I can’t wait to sit in the shade and relax with a book,” Rose said. “That porch looks so inviting.”
“I’m going to turn myself into a prune in that hot tub as soon as the sun goes down,” Helen said. “Care to join me for some prune on prune action?”
“How can I say no when you ask so romantically?” Rose asked. The two looked at each other for a moment and started laughing.
“Paulie was right,” Helen said. “I think this is just what we needed right now.”
“I know,” Rose said.
There was a sudden crashing sound from the other room, and Rose jumped. “What was that?” she asked, holding her hand to her chest.
“I don’t know,” Helen said, taking a crowbar out of her suitcase.
“Why did you pack that?!” Rose asked.
“You’ll be happy I did in a moment,” Helen said, walking slowly towards the source of the crash. She slowly opened the door with Rose behind her. Her eyes grew wide when she saw what was on the other side. “My God.”
“Hey!” The fat, bald, and nude Luca DiGenovese said as he crawled off of a woman that was half his age and a quarter of his weight. “You ever hear of knocking, you wrinkled old bat?!”
“Luca,” Helen said, sneering. “‘Almost never shows up’ my plump, tattooed ass.”
“This is great,” Manny said, leading Da’Quarius down to the finished basement of his home. “Antonio and I have been dying to introduce you to our filming staff.”
“I thought you guys outsourced your porn,” Da’Quarius said.
“We film some of it here,” Manny said. “GarciaTube exclusives and all. We hire only local talent for those.”
“Sweet,” Da’Quarius said.
“Just be careful with my brother,” Manny said. “He’s a little rough on filming days.”
“OK,” Da’Quarius said. “Let’s see wha’chu guys are workin’ on today.”
Manny opened the door and he found Antonio setting up the scene. “Come on, dude!” Antonio said. “Da’Quarius can’t be in here while we’re filming!”
“Relax,” Manny said. “I just wanted to introduce him around. He can play some PS4 while we film. I promised his uncle we wouldn’t let him see any of this stuff anyway.”
“Cool,” Antonio said. “This is Bruno our cameraman. He doesn’t say much.”
“Sup,” Bruno said with a quick nod before turning back to his camera. He was muscular with gelled, black hair.
“Where da girls at?” Da’Quarius asked.
“Cinnamon and Robin are upstairs getting ready,” Antonio answered.
“This guy over here is Joey E,” Manny said. “He’s our boom mic operator.”
“Come on!” Joey said, coming down from his stepladder. He was heavy-set and wearing a light brown vest and a backwards hat. “Let’s get this going. I got shit to do.”
“What happened to your eye?” Da’Quarius said. “Are you half-asian? The left half?”
“I had a stroke, you little asshole!” Joey snapped.
“Shit,” Da’Quarius said. “Shouldn’t you be in the hospital?”
“I’m not having a stroke right now!” Joey said.
“Joey has a bad temper,” Manny whispered in Da’Quarius’ ear. “Don’t fuck with him.”
“Sorry, dude,” Da’Quarius said. “I was just having a little fun wit’chu.”
“You know what?!” Joey said, throwing his boom mic on the ground. “I don’t need this shit.” He stormed out of the basement through the cellar doors into the Garcias’ back door. Their three dogs and Dutchie jumped all over him. “You fuckin’ mutts! Fuck off!”
“Shit,” Manny said, looking towards the door. “I guess we’re down a boom mic guy.”
“Da’Quarius pissed him off,” Antonio said, turning from the door. “He can replace him.”
“Fuck yes!” Da’Quarius said, picking up the boom mic and climbing the stepladder near the bed.
“I told Paulie he wouldn’t see any of this stuff,” Manny said. “Don’t do anything to jeopardize our free pizza, bro.”
“I won’t,” Antonio said, turning to Da’Quarius. “He won’t see a thing.”
“What are you two doing in my summer cottage?!” Luca said, leaving his bedroom with a blue robe that just barely covered his huge belly.
“It’s Paulie’s weekend,” Helen said, scowling.
“Shit,” Luca said. “I’m never betting a bocci ball game against your brother again. He cheats.”
“He does not,” Helen said. “You just suck.”
“Well what are we gonna do now?” Luca asked. “I got my waitress, Marlene, in the other room, ready to go all weekend.”
“A real man doesn’t welch on a bet, Luca,” Helen said. “We’re staying.”
“Well I’m staying too,” Luca said.
“There’s two bedrooms,” Helen said, not breaking the stare with Luca. “We can each take one.”
“Are you sure?” Luca asked. “Things might get loud.”
“They will get loud,” Helen replied. “I guarantee it, big boy.”
Luca finally broke the stare off with Helen. “Fine,” he said, getting up. “Try to stay out of our way.”
“Likewise, tubby,” Helen said. Luca went back into the bedroom to tend to his waitress.
“Helen,” Rose whispered. “Are you sure about this?”
“Of course I am, dear,” Helen said. “Pick out a good seat on the porch and read your book. I’ll bring you some lemonade. As soon as the sun sets, we’ll have a light dinner and hit that hot tub. I’m not letting that obnoxious prick ruin our weekend.”
“Me neither,” Rose said, giving Helen a small kiss. “You always know best when it comes to these things. I’ll see you outside in a few minutes.” She pulled her book out of her bag and walked to the back door to the porch area. Helen watched her go before making a pitcher of lemonade and plotting with a devious smile on her face.
“Dis blindfold is stupid!” Da’Quarius said as Antonio led him by the shoulder to the stepladder he’d be using to mic the Garcia brother’s movie. “I can still hear you know.”
“I’d make you wear earplugs if you didn’t have to listen to do this job,” Antonio said. “It’s your fault Joey quit on us.”
“Is looked like it was Joey’s fault dat Joey quit to me,” Da’Quarius said. “You’d get in just as much trouble with me blindfolded. Just let me see so I can do my job. Umma just watch this on yo site later.”
“Just mic the girls,” Antonio said, sighing.
“Fine,” Da’Quarius said.
“Cinnamon and Robin are ready,” Manny said, entering the room. Da’Quarius could hear them giggling and he suddenly got angrier for having to wear the blindfold.
“Alright,” Antonio said. “We’re going to start with the Reverse Saint Paulie Girl scene. You got the beer bottle?”
“Got it,” Manny said.
“OK, girls,” Antonio said. “Whenever you’re ready.”
“Dis some bullshit,” Da’Quarius said, holding the mic over the sound of the giggling girls.
“ACTION!” Antonio shouted.
Helen watched the ocean as Rose sat next to her, reading a book. She closed her eyes, enjoying the sounds and smells of the beach. She took a sip from her icy glass of lemonade. She couldn’t remember the last time she was so relaxed.
The sliding door opened. “You guys know where the corkscrew is?” Marlene asked in a high-pitched voice.
“Did you check Luca’s shorts?” Helen asked.
“No,” Marlene said. “Why would I look there?”
“Because his belly looks like a pig’s ass,” Helen replied. “I figured there’d be something short, pink, and curly down there.”
Rose nearly inhaled her lemonade and started choking. Helen reached over and rubbed her back.
“I don’t get it,” Marlene said.
“From what I heard, you did,” Helen said. “Go rummage through the kitchen drawers. We’re trying to relax out here, you bimbo.”
Marlene slammed the sliding door and went back inside. “Well that was rude,” Helen said, turning back to the ocean. She could hear some shouting inside, and she smiled.
“I’m thinking some pasta with some veggies for dinner,” Rose said, putting down her book and staring at the water. “We can eat out here and watch the sun set. How’s that sound to you?”
“Perfect,” Helen said, putting her hands behind her head. “I’ll cook you up something nice in a few minutes. It’s too lovely to head in just yet.”
“Looking good, Cinnamon,” Antonio said. “Raise that boom, Daq!”
“Tell dese girls to hurry up an’ nut already,” Da’Quarius said. “Dis thing is startin’ to get heavy.”
“We’ve only been filming for ten minutes,” Antonio said. “And stop talking. I’m going to have to edit this all out, which means that we’ll be filming longer.”
Da’Quarius heard a commotion as the cellar door was opened from the outside. “What’s that little asshole doing with my mic?!” Joey E shouted as he came crashing in.
“What the fuck?!” Antonio shouted. “Just don’t come barging in here when you know we’re shooting.”
“You’re not supposed to be making fuck-films in your house anyway,” Joey said.
“Shutup,” Manny said.
“You’re not supposed to be doing this in here?” one of the girls asked. “What the fuck kind of operation is this?!”
“What do you want, Joey?” Antonio asked with a heavy sigh. “Didn’t you quit?”
“Come on,” Joey said. “I need the money.”
“Well we’re done anyway,” the other girl said. “I was against doing this in front of the blindfolded kid, but I went with it. Now you’re telling me that you shouldn’t be legally shooting this down here!”
“Nobody said this was illegal!” Manny said.
“Is it?!” the girl shouted.
“I’m not a lawyer,” Manny said. “How the fuck should I know?”
“We’re out,” the other girl said. “We’ll see you on cam night.”
“Finally!” Da’Quarius said, putting down the microphone. He forgot he was standing on a stepladder, and it fell, landing on the head of one of the girls. She screamed a little bit before falling on the floor. The sound of breaking glass filled the basement.
“Oh shit,” Antonio said. “Please tell me the bottle was not still inside her.”
“Enjoying the bubbles?” Luca asked, sitting in his hot tub across from Marlene.
“I’d enjoy it more if we were alone,” Marlene said with her arms crossed. She had been upset ever since Helen had insulted her. It took Luca nearly twenty minutes to talk her into getting into the hot tub with him. She finally relented when he told her that Helen and Rose would be in bed before it got too late.
“We are alone now,” Luca said, reaching down and removing his swim trunks. He tossed them out onto the deck. Marlene smiled and undid her top. She removed her bottom next and tossed them out with Luca’s trunks.
“Hot damn!” Helen said, climbing into the hot tub with her black and white one-piece suit on. “This water is fuckin hot!” She sat down on one of the cushioned corners. She leered at Marlene who tried her best to cover herself with arms.
“What the Hell!” Luca said. “We’re in here!”
“And so am I,” Helen said. “You’re the one who chose to stay. Next time be better at bocci.”
“So you’re so great?” Luca said. “Next time you challenge me and see what happens?”
“I’d challenge you now, but I can see from here that you didn’t bring your balls,” Helen said, chuckling.
“You better watch that mouth of yours,” Luca said. “You’re lucky you’re an old woman.”
“Or what?” Helen asked. “Your wife didn’t mind that I was an old woman.”
“You wife?!” Marlene snapped.
“Oh yeah,” Helen said. “I don’t know why you’re here climbing on your waitress. Your wife wasn’t half bad the last time I had her.”
“You told me your wife was out of the picture!” Marlene snapped.
“She is!” Luca said. “This old bat doesn’t know what she’s talking about!”
“I want to go home!” Marlene said, wrapping a towel around herself and going back into the house.
“It’s a four hour drive!” Luca said, getting out of the hot tub and running after Marlene.
“Damn,” Helen said, turning away. “I won’t ever be able to burn that image out of my mind.”
Rose came out a minute later in her own one-piece swimsuit. “That was fast,” she said. “You said it would take ten minutes, but they were out within five.”
“I’m good,” Helen said. “What can I say?”
The door slammed as Luca and Marlene left. “I guess we have tonight and tomorrow by ourselves,” Rose said, getting into the tub.
“That we do, my dear,” Helen said, smiling and moving towards Rose. “That we do.”
Manny opened the box of pizza, inhaling the steam. “Nothing beats a hot pizza after a successful shoot,” he said.
“Well we’re having one without the successful shoot,” Antonio said. “We’re just lucky that damn bottle didn’t break inside Cinnamon. Otherwise, she’d have our asses.”
“Pass the sausage,” Joey said, reaching over the others.
“Shit,” Da’Quaruis said. “I woulda passed da whole box over. Get your smelly pits away from me!”
“Shutup, you little shit,” Joey said, dragging the entire box of pizza across the table over to himself. “It’s your fault the shoot went bad.”
“Oh yeah,” Da’Quarius said. “Talk shit to me. I wouldn’t have had to be dere if you hadn’t quit, an’ I wouldn’t have dropped da mic if you didn’t barge back in like a chargin’ rhino!”
“I’ll show you a charging rhino!” Joey said, he pushed the table to the side and charged Da’Quarius. He tripped on his untied shoelaces and fell to the floor, hitting his head on a chair. He landed face first on the ground, unmoving.
“Oh shit,” Manny said. “Joey finally died!”
“Finally?” Da’Quarius asked.
“Yeah,” Antonio said. “This mother fucker always almost dies. It’s crazy.”
Joey began snoring on the floor.
“See,” Antonio said, almost disappointed. “He always almost dies.”
Manny took his hat off. “May he almost rest in peace.”