Smile; A Rant by Budgie Bigelow

So I got called out. Called out by some social media crusader for some stupid-ass shit that happened on Twitter before this past weekend, forcing me to post this rant in response to her bullshit blog post. And you should be mad about this too! Mad that the attention-seekers of social media justice have taken their shit to my metaphoric doorstep. Mad that you’re even reading my nonsense right now when you could be doing something much more productive.

All because of a fucking smile…

So let me start from the middle somewhere, because that’s where I came in. I read a meme that was reposted on twitter. The meme was a selfie of a woman that said: “Fuck you if you tell a woman to smile.” Fuck me?! No way! 

My response was quick and concise: “Frown, bimbo.”

This woman (who I shall not name or link, even though she has no trouble doing the same in the name of her fucked up cause) responded in her blog to me and three other people, posting screenshots of our tweets and accusing us of raping her via twitter.

Here’s what I didn’t know (since it wasn’t part of the unexplained meme I happened to come across). The woman who created said meme had a shitty day. She was at some function involving dead or dying people, and that sucks. This involved her dead husband, and that really sucks. Then some drunk creep comes up to her and says: “Smile. You’d probably look much prettier that way.”

Please note that I’m not reading her blog post again to validate if I have the story completely right. Once was enough, and I don’t care. That’s all you really need to know anyway. Anything else would be overkill.

So this woman turns herself into a meme, reminding all men who tell women to smile to go ahead and fuck themselves, because all men are that drunken creep that came across her as she was grieving on the shittiest of shitty days. Also, how the fuck was anyone supposed to know all that from a stupid meme, but I digress.

So here’s a tidbit from my life involving a woman being asked to smile (since one was shared with me):

My wife works a highly stressful job. She basically eats shit from people all day long and gets thanked by none of the monstrous people with whom she has to speak. She has to work late if her boss says so, and she’s home late most nights, missing all but a goodnight from our daughter. On these really tough nights; I put on Cartoon Network, pour her a glass of wine, rub her feet, and say: “Smile. You’re home now.”

And you know what happens? She smiles. She realizes that it’s all behind her and she’s able to enjoy what’s left of her night and moves on. We sit together, watch cartoons, we laugh, and we go to bed; smiling.

I guess I can go fuck myself for doing such a horrible thing to her, right?

Before I go on, I would just like to add that I may not me politically correct in the slightest, but I am not anti-feminism or sexist or whatever other label you’d put on me for what I tweeted. I have a wife, a daughter, and even my dog is female (although I won’t call her a bitch, because that’s not what she is). I agree that women should be treated as equals in every way, and the union I helped organize at my job agrees, upholding these same morals against a male-centered management. Hell, I do more than my share of the “woman work” in my home. Laundry? That’s all me.

But enough about me and how awesome I am… Let’s get back to why I’m a complete scumbag.

So I’ll admit some things here (which won’t matter since the people in support of this unnamed woman will see me as the enemy no matter what). My bimbo comment was uncalled for. Then again; it’s Twitter. It’s social fucking media. I know the response to this last comment too: “Social media should be a safe haven to express blah bah blah blah….”

Well it’s not, and you’re a moronic bimbo if you think it should be.

Social media in any form is a public forum. Imagine walking through a crowded supermarket and shouting “FUCK YOU IF YOU TELL A WOMAN TO SMILE!”. Sure, the people you brought with you will agree and nod, but you’ll get a lot of odd stares from the people that don’t know what your fucking problem is. Some asshole might even comment that there’s no problem with seeing a woman happy, and he won’t be wrong. He was just misinformed as you why you’re making such a statement in public.

That’s social media summed up. It wasn’t the intent, but it is what it is. Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. Whatever app you use. It’s all the same: public.

So let me get to what really pissed me off about this blog piece that called me a rapist and posted a screenshot of one of my tweets without my permission (not that they needed it… public forum and all that. Would’ve just been nice to have been asked).

I’ve been into the shit with people like this before these nuts dropped #YesAllWomen when it turned into the joke it deserved to be. Post a meme or a poignant idea and hashtag the fuck out of it. It’s practically begging to be seen, dissected, disagreed with, and insulted. This gives you the enemy (trolls, cyber bullies, etcetera), and the ammo to post blog pieces defending yourself, making you into the hero you already are in your own mind.

Before you go there, social justice warriors, I already get the irony of the “your statement wanted it” portion of the last paragraph. I’m not the total idiot you hoped I was.

Speaking of rape; the four of us she attacked were accused of promoting rape culture, using extra periods to make her statement more poignant. 

Just. Like. This.

I despise rapists. I’d kill them all along with the child molestors if I could. My tweets to this woman weren’t rape related, and the rape tweets that she used weren’t directed towards her. What I will say is: asking a woman to smile isn’t rape. I asked multiple females about this before I wrote this, and none agreed that the statement “Smile, you’d be more pretty if you did.” was in any way rapey. Creepy maybe, but not rapey. I find it an insult to actual rape victims that you’d even suggest this.

So I have to ask, unnamed woman who blasted me in your blog who may never even read this rhetoric that I took the time to type: Was it good for you? Did you enjoy poking the social media beast just so you could tame it with your stinging wordplay? Hell, you even insulted my use of the word “bimbo” twice, not even realizing that I’m trying to bring it back (seems to be catching too). Would you have preferred “bitch” or “cunt” or “pussy mouth” or “bitch mouth cunt pussy” better? Take your pick.

Let’s back up once again (because a Budgie rant isn’t a Budgie rant if Budgie isn’t jumping all over the place). I’m not doing this to insult you for using that meme as an excuse to selfie. I’m not saying you can’t survive without being the victim (although…). I don’t care if you find me funny. I don’t care if you don’t follow me or read what’s on my site. I’m not trying to make you scared of men. I’m not trying to make you delete your accounts. I’m just some asshole with a twitter account who commented on a fucking meme.

Let me say this about the whole “smile” thing in general (if anyone stayed with my moronic rant this long): It’s creepy in most cases. I’ll give you that one. Your boss telling you that you’re prettier when you smile when you’re having a shit day is creepy as fuck. A drunk asshole at a bar who doesn’t know you or why you’re upset is creepy as fuck too. Your Uncle Paul telling you smile at your cousin’s wedding when you weren’t even asked to be a fucking bridesmaid but Becky was is creepy. Creepy. As. Fuck.

It’s especially bad if that woman you’re asking to smile is on the rag too.

So here’s my big fucking conclusion to this hot mess of a rant:

Your meme without the backstory is ridiculous. You thinking strangers on social media who happen across your meme will understand your full story is just plain dumb. Also, get some thicker skin if you’re going to post shit publicly. If you can’t handle strangers pulling this shit, then social media probably isn’t for you. The biggest problem with social media is that everyone thinks that people give a shit about what they post. You think I don’t get shit for the content I post on my blog? Shit. You need to meet the fuckers that come after me sometime. Maybe there’s some kind of forum where only the people that completely understand you will read and comment. If there’s not, then strangers will comment on your public posts, and that includes dicks like me.

Also, the guys that whole heartily agree with you on this social media war mongering just want to fuck you. They’ll say they don’t, but they all do. Trust me. They. Want. To. Fuck. You.

Except the gays.

You need to stop looking for a battle. You’ve been through hell, and you feel as if you need someone to verbally beat the to piss and shit out of. I understand that want and need; but someone is going to eventually hold the mirror up to your face, and you’re not going to like what you see (it definitely won’t be as flattering as your selfies). You’re going to have to ask yourself the hard questions, warrior princess; while you put your armor back on, so those that respond to your shit-talking with their unwavering support come back and do it over and over and over again until they begin to wonder why they haven’t picked up mirrors of their own.

But it doesn’t matter. You’ll keep lying to yourself and insist that you’re crusading for feminism or equal rights or whatever the fuck you want to believe, when you only need an unsuspecting group of twitter trolls to rage against. Trust me… Aren’t I doing just that right now?

You can respond all you want. I have a block button, and I’m not afraid to use it. You can post a response on your blog, but I refuse to read it. The first shot was fired by you with that meme. It may have been unintentional, but wars start that way too. I responded, then you responded, then I responded again. This is the end for me. I don’t want to rape you, I don’t want to see you hurt, and I don’t want to see you attacked online. I. Just. Don’t. Care.

Enjoy the likes and retweets and responses you get for bashing me though. You’ve earned them.

There was one more thing I wanted to say before I ended this exercise in useless writing… What was it? Oh yeah!



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