The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Vs. The KKK
This is the unaired episode of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air titled “The Fresh Prince Vs. The KKK”. NBC refused to air this episode due to its controversal content, but BudgieBigelow.com has obtained the original transcript and put it in short story form for your enjoyment.
Without further ado; The Fresh Prince Vs. The KKK
Carlton Banks brought his father’s car to the car wash on a sunny Friday afternoon. Class was out, and his cousin Will was hanging out with Jazz, beat boxing in front of some cardboard boxes while other kids spun on their heads or whatever black teens did in the nineties. He had some free time, and decided to spend it getting the family car washed.
“What do you think you’re doing here, boy?” a fat man in a blue trucker hat said. He had messy hair and looked like he hadn’t shaved in weeks.
“I’m just getting my father’s car washed,” Carlton replied with a smile. “I would like the interior detailed as well.”
“I don’t work here, you damn moon cricket!” the man exclaimed.
“Come on, Earl,” another man said, pulling his friend back. He wore a similar hat and wore a black vest jacket. “He ain’t worth it.”
“I guess I’m not getting that detailing done after all,” Carlton remarked to himself as the two left. He looked down at the floor at the pamphlet one of them had dropped. Some pages had been ripped out, but the title on the front was still there. He picked it up.
“Are you worried about your neighborhood being taken over?” he read aloud. “Well I am now that I read that!” He read the back of the pamphlet and saw an address for some kind of a rally. “I better go to this. I want to make sure our neighborhood stays safe.”
♪ Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air ♪
♪ In west Philadelphia born and raised
On the playground was where I spent most of my days
Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool
And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school
When a couple of guys who were up to no good
Started making trouble in my neighborhood
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
She said ‘You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air’ ♪
♪ I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I could say that this cab was rare
But I thought ‘Nah, forget it’ – ‘Yo homes, to Bel Air’ ♪
♪ I pulled up to the house about seven or eight
And I yelled to the cabbie: ‘Yo homes, smell ya later’
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air ♪
“Come on, Will!” Carlton said, following his more street-wise cousin out of the kitchen of the family’s Bel Air mansion. “This thing is at night, and I don’t really want to go alone. The safety of our neighborhood is at stake here!”
“I have plans,” Will said, trying his best to get away from his over zealous cousin. “I have a date tonight.”
“Come on,” Carlton replied. “You haven’t had a date in ages, and you know it!”
“That’s not true!” Will said, stopping and turning around. “Just last Sunday I had a hot one.”
“You spent all day watching tapes of old 76ers games and eating meatball grinders,” Carlton said.
“And they were hot,” Will replied. “I’m still not going, and nothing can make me.”
“Take your cousin to whatever the damn thing is he wants to go to,” Carlton’s father and Will’s Uncle Phil said from behind his newspaper. “It won’t kill you two to spend some time together.”
“It might,” Will said defiantly. “You don’t know that.”
“You’re going to go with Carlton to his thing,” Phil said. “That’s final.”
“I’m a grown man, and you know it,” Will said, puffing his chest out. “I go where I want; when I want!”
Phil put his paper down and gave his nephew an angry glare.
“What time we leavin’?” Will said, turning to Carlton. “We gotta keep our neighborhood safe after all.”
“I hope we’re not too late!” Carlton said, entering the Elks’ hall with a notebook and pencil. Will followed with a bored swagger.
“I don’t get what you’re so worried about,” Will said. “This neighborhood is a lot safer than the one I grew up in. I used to have to fight gangs to buy my moms a loaf of bread.”
“Is that true?” Carlton asked.
“I had to wrestle it from an old lady once,” Will said with a shrug. “But she was tough. I think she was a blood.”
“What are you doing here?” a man in a button down shirt asked the two as they walked down the hall towards the hall where the rally had already begun.
“Sorry we’re late,” Carlton said. “My cousin needed to stop for some dinner before we came. We’ll sit in the back if you let us sneak in. I promise nobody will notice.”
“Oh, I think they’ll notice,” the man said with a menacing look in his eyes.
“We can just go,” Will said, putting his hand on Carlton’s shoulder. “Come on, C.”
“Nonsense!” Carlton said. “I’m just as worried about my neighborhood as the next guy. Please just let us in.”
“Fine,” the man said, pushing the door open after a shrug. “Have it your way.”
The door opened to the hall, and the man at the podium stopped speaking. Everyone turned to look at Carlton and Will. They were all wearing white cloaks with pointed hats.
“I think we should leave now,” Will said.
“You’re telling me,” Carlton said. “We’re the only two that didn’t know this was a ghost party!”
Phil sipped his tea across from from his wife, Vivian. “Would you like some more?” their butler, Geoffrey said, carrying the teapot to the table.
“Just a bit,” Phil said smiling. “Thank you, Geoffrey.”
“What has you in such a good mood tonight?” Vivian asked.
“Can you hear that?” Phil said. “Nothing. Ashley is doing her homework upstairs, Heather is out, and Will and Carlton aren’t bickering all day and night. It’s peaceful.”
“Don’t jinx it, sir,” Geoffrey said, putting a tray of small sandwiches on the table between Phil and Vivian.
“Come on, Geoffrey,” Phil said. “How can you possibly think that my quiet night of rest and relaxation will be ruined by my commenting on how much I’m enjoying it? How, I ask you, Geoffrey. How?!”
Geoffrey and Vivian looked at each other and then towards Phil, waiting for something to happen. Moments passed in silence.
“See,” Phil said. “Now clean the dishes before I make you put the dress on again.”
“Yes, sir,” Geoffrey said.
Phil sipped his tea and ate one of Geoffrey’s tiny sandwiches. Vivian looked at him (it was the newer, hotter Vivian, not that ‘other’ one… I don’t care which one would have actually been on the show at this point. Fuck canon!). She sighed.
“What is it?” Phil asked.
“It’s a shame to waste this quiet night sipping tea and watching Geoffrey clean the dishes,” Vivian said. “Why don’t we head to bed.”
“But I’m not tired,” Phil said.
“Don’t be silly,” Vivian said. “How about I get the leathers on, and you can take me while Geoffrey watches.”
“Dear me, no,” Geoffrey said. “Don’t make me watch again! It’s horrid!”
“You’ll do as your told and like it,” Phil said, getting up. “Lay out my leathers, Geoffrey. Vivian and I will be up soon.”
“LOCK THE DOOR!” Carlton shouted as he and will rushed inside.
“Oh thank God,” Geoffrey breathed.
“I put on the deadbolt!” Will said.
“What in the hell is going on?!” Phil exclaimed, stepping into his living room. “Why the hell are you two screaming up a storm?!”
“What’s going on?” Ashley said, coming down the stairs in her sweatshirt and pajama pants.
Hilary came in next, wearing her designer clothes and heels. “Who are all those people driving up to the house?” she asked. “They almost ruined my date.”
“I told you the followed us!” Carlton snapped.
“You’re the one that dragged me to that damn rally!” Will said. “Don’t blame me!”
“SOMEONE BETTER TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON RIGHT NOW!” Phil shouted.
“So I found this pamphlet at the car wash,” Carlton said quickly. “These two guys were giving me problems, but I thought they were just disgruntled car wash employs. Anyway, Will and I went to the rally and the guy there didn’t want to let us in…”
“WILL YOU GET TO THE DAMN POINT?!” Phil roared.
Will stepped between his cousin and uncle. “Carlton took me to a damn KKK rally,” he said. “They got pissed off and followed us home.”
“What?!” Vivian said, rushing to the window. “Oh my God. They’re all over our front lawn.”
“I want to see,” Ashley said, rushing to the window next.
“Get away from that window,” Phil said, moving towards his wife and daughter and nearly falling over. He was beginning to sweat. “I don’t want them to see you.”
“What do they want?” Hilary asked, making a face.
“What do they ever?” Geoffrey said. “To get ‘them’ out of their neighborhoods.”
“Who’s ‘them’? Ashley asked.
“Them is us,” Phil said. “They want us out.”
The Banks family (and Will) all looked at each other. The klansmen outside began to shout and chant.
“I can’t believe it,” Geoffrey said after the commercial break. “All this time I’ve spent in America, and this is the first time I’ve seen the KKK in person. My cousin Cecil isn’t going to believe this.”
“Get me a glass of water,” Phil said, sitting down. “Please Geoffrey.”
“What’s wrong?” Vivian said, sitting down next to Phil and putting a hand on his shoulder. “Are you alright.”
“I don’t know,” Phil said, grasping his chest. “I saw those men outside, and I got so mad that something must have broken inside.”
“Call 911!” Ashely said. “Dad is having a heart attack again!”
“It’s not a heart attack!” Phil said. “It’s stress related chest pain.”
“That’s a heart attack,” Will said.
“The phone’s dead!” Hilary said, putting the phone down. “Those men outside must have disabled it so we couldn’t call the police.”
“Are cellphones invented yet?” Will asked.
“What’s a cell phone?” Ashley asked.
“Don’t be silly,” Hilary said. “Of course they’re invented, Will. We’re just not important enough to have one.”
“I guess that’s not an option then,” Will said.
“They’re surrounding the house too,” Carlton said. “What’s that their putting up?”
A yellow-orange glow filled the den as the klansmen outside lit the giant cross ablaze and renewed chanting. Will and Carlton looked out the window while Vivian, Ashley, and Hilary tended to Phil. “We need to get Uncle Phil outta here,” Will said quietly to Carlton.
“But how?” Carlton asked. “They aren’t going to let us out of the house.”
Phil grimaced and held his chest again. “Phil!” Vivian shouted. “You’ll be OK. One of the neighbors will see what’s going on outside and call the police.”
“I don’t know,” Hilary said, looking out of the window. “I’m pretty sure that’s them standing on their lawns and watching. The Reagans just put some marshmallows on sticks. Maybe we’re really not welcome here after all.”
“Don’t talk like that!” Phil said through the pain. “We have just as much right to be here as anyone else. I worked hard to get where I am for he sake of my family, and I’ll be damned if I let those white cloak wearing nut jobs tell me where I can and can’t live!”
“Calm down, Phil,” Vivian said. “It’s not worth your life.”
“The hell it isn’t!” Phil shouted. “Those bastards will know that a black man lived and died in a white neighborhood. They can’t take that away from me!”
“I have an idea,” Will said, turning from the window. “Get Uncle Phil in the car. Carlton and I are going to distract them and you’re going to get him to the hospital.”
“Why me?!” Carlton said.
“This is your fault!” Will said. “You dragged me to that messed up rally and pissed them off!”
“Stop fighting!” Phil said. “Just do it, Carlton. You pansy-ass bitch.”
“OK,” Carlton said. “What do I do?”
“G,” Will said, turning to Geoffrey. “Get me all of the white sheets from the linen closet.”
“Surely not the good ones,” Geoffrey said.
“ALL OF THEM!” Will shouted.
The KKK stood outside of the Banks’ residence, chanting as the cross burned. “Do you think they get the point yet?” Earl asked his brother, smiling behind his white-hooded mask.
“I think so,” Earl’s brother Tom said. “Ready to douse the lawn in gas and surround them in fire?”
“I thought you’d never ask,” Earl said, picking up a canister of gasoline from behind him. He got ready to start pouring the gas over the grass when someone shouted from the other side of the lawn.
“Hey!” Will shouted, dressed in the Banks’ white sheets with a hastily made white hood and pointed hat. “I’m here for the ghost party!”
“Ghost party?” Earl asked. “What the hell are you talking about.”
“The ghost party y’all are having on the lawn here,” Will said. “Shows ’em how you do it at a Bel Air ghost party, C.”
Carlton (dressed in an even sloppier made hood and cloak out of the Banks’ bedsheets) started waving his arms to and fro as he did the same with his hips. “It’s not unusual to be loved by anyone,” he sang. “It’s not unusual to have fun with anyone. It’s not unusual. It happens all the time.”
“What the hell is going on?!” the Grand Wizard shouted, walking passed the burning cross. “Why aren’t you two over here with the rest of us?”
“Oh snap!” Will said, yanking off Carlton’s hood. “This guy’s black!”
“Will!” Carlton snapped, pulling off Will’s hood.
“What’s wrong with you?!” Will asked.
“You did mine first!” Carlton said.
“Get them darkies!” the Grand Wizard shouted. As they started to charge Will and Carlton, a car came down the driveway, speeding off down the street once the KKK’s attention were on Will and Carlton.
“Uncle Phil and the others are out,” Will said.
“But what about us?” Carlton asked. “We’re still here!”
“What?!” Will shouted. He had already started running the opposite way.
“Dammit, Will,” Carlton said, running from the coming hoard of klansmen.
The klansmen ran, passing a large and wide bush as they trampled after Will and Carlton. They were an entire house away when Will’s head popped out of the bush. “I think they’re gone,” he said.
Carlton’s head came out of the bush a few feet next to Will. “I hope so,” Carlton said.
“Yo,” Will said. “I know you’re scared, but stop rubbin’ on my leg.”
“That’s not me,” Carlton said.
Will looked town into the bushes. “SKUNKS!” he shouted, running out of the bushes.
“Wait for me!” Carlton exclaimed in return, following Will.
“There’s them coons now!” one of the klansmen shouted, giving chase once more.
“It wasn’t raccoons!” Carlton shouted over his shoulder as he ran. “They were skunks!”
“Shut up and run!” Will exclaimed.
The klansmen nearly trampled over the family of skunks that came out of the bushes, getting sprayed by the frightened animals. “Aw dammit!” one klansman said, throwing his hood off to the side. “These were my good robes!”
“It’s good to be home,” Phil said, walking into the den and plopping down in his favorite chair. “I’m glad that’s all over.”
“I’m just glad you just gas and not a heart attack,” Vivian said, sitting down across from Phil.
“It’s those little sandwiches of Geoffrey’s,” Phil said. “I swear he’s trying to kill me.”
“You rang,” Geoffrey said, coming in with a tray of little sandwiches. “You’re probably famished from your trip to the hospital, so I took the liberty of making you a snack.”
“Thank you, Geoffrey,” Phil said, picking up seven mini sandwiches. He began popping them in his mouth as he rested the others on his protruding belly.
“Phil,” Vivian said. “You’re going to get gassy again.”
“I’ll be fine,” Phil said. “As long as that damn KKK doesn’t show up again.”
“Don’t be so sure we’re gone for good!” Will said, coming in the room in his makeshift KKK cloak and hood. “I’m going to burn a cross on your lawn. Don’t fart near it, or you’ll blow up your house.”
“That’s it!” Phil said, getting up. “I’m going to teach you a lesson.” He jumped after will and farted loudly before falling over on the floor.
“Oh dear, Phil,” Vivian said. “I told you not to eat too many of those sandwiches.”
Carlton walked in the room. “I knew he wouldn’t find it funny, Will,” he said. “I told him, dad. Dad?”
“Get up, Uncle Phil,” Will said. “This isn’t funny anymore.”
“Phil?” Vivian asked, kneeling down.
Geoffrey came running in, dropping the tray of tea and sugar cubes. He took off his glove and put it against Phil’s throat. “Oh my,” he said, looking up at the others.
“Phil?” Vivian asked in a trembling voice. “Is he…”
“Vivian,” Phil said, looking up at his wife. “Get the plastic pool and the hose. I had an accident.”
“That’s my Uncle Phil,” Will said. “Always fillin’ up dem drawers.”
Next time on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air:
Will gets shot in the back by a white cop for jaywalking.
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