“On a remote island in the Pacific, Karl Malone, Steven Seagal, and an entire cast of celebrities get ready for the reality show; The Amazing Survivalist: Celebrity Edition. Little did they know, the terrorist cell know as ISIS had other plans.”
Karl Malone walks onto the beach with a bottle of champagne in his hand. There’s an explosion behind him, throwing him to the beach in its blast. The image fades to black.
Karl wakes up among Steven Seagal, Brian Bosworth, and Hillbilly Jim.
“Do you hunt?” Steven asks, sitting by a campfire.
“Mother fucker, you know that I do,” Karl replies.
Karl fires his .44 magnum at the ISIS guards as Hillbilly Jim punches and clotheslines them. Steven Seagal fights off four at once with karate chops and kicks.
“I wanted people to see me make a difference in other’s lives,” Steven says after the intense action sequence. “We have that opportunity. What can we do as celebrities? We can’t go around without the cameras in our faces. If we do this, then we do this as vigilantes.”
“Now, Karl Malone and Steven Seagal fight crime underground as Jazz and Legaes.”
“The name is Legaes,” Steven tells a bewildered man with a clipboard. “It’s spelled like Seagal, only backwards.”
“Alongside Brian Bosworth and Hillbilly Jim, Jazz and Legaes take out criminal empires one bad guy at a time.”
Steven fires his uzi into a hoard of drug dealers while topless women scurry to hide under tables covered in white powder. Karl comes up from hiding with his twin .44s, putting holes in the drug dealers’ heads. Hillbilly Jim comes in, pile-driving a drug dealer and breaking his neck.
A white van with the words “Food for the Needy” painted on its side with red letters rolls into the projects. Karl and Steven begin passing out food and goods to the people. Karl notices a girl crying on her porch. “They’re gone!” she sobbed. “My mom and dad got taken away!”
“My friends and I help people in need,” Karl says. “Maybe we can lend you a hand.”
“Karl, Steven, Brian, and Hillbilly Jim soon find themselves in over their heads with drug dealers and kingpins.”
“This shit was bigger than us,” Karl says, standing alongside a motorcycle. “And we ain’t shit now. I didn’t leave my life behind to play action hero with a coke head.”
Steven takes a bump of cocaine off his key before putting a donut in his mouth. He dusts the powered sugar off of his kimono before leaving the locker room.
“You must find a happy in-between, Legaes,” the Dalai Lama says on Steven’s computer screen. “There will be a time when your bad habits will come between yourself and your team.”
Karl cuts the wheel of his eighteen-wheeler, crushing a police cruiser with the back wheels. Steven fires his uzi from the window of the truck, sending bullet holes in the hood of another.
Brian Bosworth punches drug dealers as they surround him, knocking them out in piles around himself. “WOO-WEEEEEE!” Hillbilly Jim shouts as he dodges bullets, taking down dealers in his denim overalls and straw hat.
“This summer; bet on the only two men that could take down drug dealers with style. Karl Malone and Steven Seagal in: