“Closing it up, boss!” Tony shouted in return. “I’ll tell the guys back there to start cleaning the kitchen.”
Paulie was walking to the front door to lock it when two more customers came in. “Sorry,” Paulie said. “We’re closing up.”
“Come on, man,” one of the two men said. “You know us!”
“Yeah!” the other said. “We live right across the street from Da’Quarius and his moms. I’m Manny Garcia and this is my brother Antonino.”
“‘Sup,” Antonio said with a nod of his head.
“Sorry fellas,” Paulie said. “But we closed everything down.”
“It’s only nine-thirty,” Manny said. “You can’t make us a pizza right quick?”
“You need to stay open later, bro,” Antonio said. “Get yourself a slice of that late night money.”
“We aren’t running a bar or a strip club,” Paulie said. “We lock up at nine-thirty during the week.”
“I think they’re right,” Tony said, coming from the kitchen. “What do you guys need?”
“Large pepperoni pizza,” Manny said.
“Large mushroom,” Antonio added. “Extra cheese.”
“Oh shit,” Manny said. “I want extra cheese on mine too!”
“Coming right up boys,” Tony said. “Do your thing, Paulie. I got these guys.”
“Madon,” Paulie said, rolling his eyes. “Take a seat, guys. Don’t mind me while I close up while you eat.”
“No problem, man,” Antonio said.
“Do what you gotta do,” Manny said, taking a seat at the booth by the window.
“Friggin’ stunads,” Paulie said under his breath as he went back towards his office to count the day’s take. Tony came back from the kitchen after Paulie’s office door closed.
“You guys run that porno website, right?” Tony asked. “Da’Quarius told me it was you. GarciaTube.”
“That’s us,” Manny said. “Owner and operators.”
“I have a business opportunity for you,” Tony said. “I’d have to talk Paulie into it, but I was thinking of opening this place up late and having some ‘adult’ entertainment.”
“I like that idea,” Antonio said. “Tell me more.”
Tony’s face lit up. “I’ve had this idea in my head for a while,” he said. “I call it: Pizza After Dark.”
Created, written, & directed by Budgerigar Orville Bigelow
Season 5, Episode 3: Pizza After Dark
“I never said she could stay with us,” Rose said, walking into her home on Freedom Lane. “You made up that whole conversation.”
“She has nowhere else to go!” Helen said.
“I should have never taken you to that convention,” Rose said, crossing her arms. Helen had dragged Rose two towns over to go to a porno convention. She convinced Rose it would be fun, but she only wanted to meet her all-time favorite star, Moan Rivers. “She could have at least changed her name when Joan Rivers passed away.”
“Moan outlived that painted up harlot,” Helen said. “The name is hers alone now.”
Moan Rivers walked in behind Helen. “So this is your place,” she said in a raspy voice, looking around. She wore a bright orange wig and lipstick to match. She was well into her seventies and hadn’t filmed an actual scene in decades. Helen had become infatuated with her in magazines when she was in prison.
“Helen,” Rose said. “Can I talk to you in the kitchen?”
“Sure,” Helen said. “Make yourself at home, Moan.”
“Bring me a beer,” Moan called as she sat on the couch, putting her feet on the table. “None of that kraut shit!”
Da’Qaurius came in the house following his walk with Dutchie. He looked at the old woman sitting on the couch with her feet up. “You gonna die on my bed, ain’t ‘cha?”
“We have plan,” Tony said. He was sitting in Paulie’s office flanked on either side by Manny and Antonio Garcia. “We call it: ‘Pizza After Dark’. It’s twenty-one and over, the Garcia’s provide the ladies, and anything goes.”
“I don’t have a liquor licensee, you dope,” Paulie said. “Besides, ‘anything goes’ is way too broad. We can’t have people banging hookers in the restroom.”
“Tony means ‘anything goes within reason’,” Manny said. “We’ll hire a couple of bouncers.”
“Black ones,” Antonio added.
“And we advertise it as BYOB,” Manny said. “You can drink as long as you bring it yourself, so you’re not serving any alcohol.”
“It’s the pleasure of a titty bar in the convenience of a pizzeria,” Antonio said.
“I’ll manage after hours,” Tony said. “I’m usually up all night anyway.”
“We’ll have it all cleaned up by morning,” Antonio said.
“Probably be cleaner than usual,” Tony said.
“You’re a bunch of stunads,” Paulie said. “I’ll do this under two conditions. One: Since it’s my place; I get half the profit. Two: If you get busted doing something; I didn’t know you were doing any of this. Capice?”
“Capice,” Tony replied. “This is going to be awesome!”
Moan Rivers walked around the Masters’ house while Rose and Helen were eating lunch. Helen offered her a shower, and she took a long one, relishing the feel of the hot water on her wrinkled body. She had no robe or pajamas to wear at night, so she walked nude through the house, looking for something to wear. She finally found herself in the son’s room. She rummaged through his drawers until she found some boxers.
“These should fit,” She said, trying on a pair of camouflage colored shorts. She did a few squats to test them and nearly hurt her hip. She felt them riding up in her lady parts and decided that they were too small after all. She pulled them off, folded them back up, and put them back in the drawer where she found them.
Moan walked back down the hall, where she ran into Rose. “Hey,” she said, forgetting which one of the two ladies who lived her she was talking to. “You got a robe or something?”
Rose stared in disbelief. “Why are you walking through my home naked?!” she exclaimed.
“Did you not just hear me ask for a fucking robe?” Moan asked. “Bitch.”
“Moan,” Helen said, coming into the hall. “You finding everything alright?”
“Welcome!” Tony shouted, spreading his arms. “To Pizza After Dark!”
“Shutup and get me a meatball sub!” one of the three people who showed up for the opening of Pizza After Dark yelled. He had a white and blue lunch pail on the floor that contained a six pack on ice. The windows were covered with black curtains so nobody outside would see.
“You shutup, Joey!” Tony said.
“Where’s the broads?” the man sitting next to Joey asked.
“They’re on their way,” Tony said. He looked at the clock. The Garcia’s were supposed to be there ten minutes before Pizza After Dark opened, but they were now twenty minutes late. Their bouncers hadn’t even showed up. “Where are those friggin’ Mooks.”
“You suck!” Joey shouted.
“YOU SUCK, JOEY!” Tony retorted. “OUTSIDE!”
Suddenly, the door opened and the Garcia brothers entered, followed by four strippers and whoever they were able to find at the New Haven bars. “Sorry we’re late,” Manny said. “We’re on Puerto Rican time.”
“Welcome!” Tony shouted with his arms stretched out. “To Pizza After Dark!”
“It was epic!” Antonio told Da’Quarius. He saw Da’Quarius mowing his lawn, and he just had to tell him about the launch of Pizza After Dark. “Pizza. Bitches. Beer. It was spectacular.”
“Sounds fucked up,” Da’Quarius said. “You sure Unca Paulie said it was OK?”
“His stance is that he doesn’t know about it,” Antonio said. “But he sure was happy when he got his cut of the profit in the morning.”
“Damn,” Da’Quarius said. “Wish I could see it, but Unca Paulie would have a fit if he saw me there.”
“Dude, your uncle isn’t there,” Antonio said. “He acts like it doesn’t exist so he can deny he knew about it if something goes wrong, which it won’t.”
“I dunno,” Da’Quarius said. “I haven’t felt too good lately. I think I’m comin’ down wit somethin’.”
“Come by tonight after eleven if you’re feeling better,” Antonio said. “You won’t regret it.”
“Want to come in for some lemondade?” a voice called from the window. “You’re getting awfully sweaty, boy.”
“Who the hell is that?” Antonio said. “You guys have a relative staying with you?”
“Nah,” Da’Quarius said. “Dat’s some old biddy that Helen picked up from a porno convention. Moan Rivers or somethin’.”
“Holy shit,” Antonio said. “Moan Rivers?! She’s a fucking classic in the old stag films! I gotta get Manny!” Antonio ran off towards his house.
“Well shit,” Da’Quarius said. “Biddy ’bout to get Eiffel towered.”
“We need to talk,” Rose said as Moan sat on the couch across from her and Helen.
“What?” Moan said, looking upset.
“Nothing,” Helen said. “Just wanted to make sure you have everything you need.”
“No,” Rose said, shooting Helen a dirty look. “I think it’s time we talked about how long you’ll be staying with us. I’ll let you stay here for the night, but I want you gone by tomorrow afternoon.”
“So you’re gonna do me like that?” Moan said. “I thought you guys were cool.”
“We’re cool!” Helen pleaded. “You can stay as long as you need to, dear. I know it’s hard out there for a working girl.”
“Helen!” Rose snapped.
“You about done?” Moan asked. “I was just invited to a party tonight, and I need to get ready.”
It was eleven o’ clock, and PIzza After Dark was opened for its second consecutive night. The strippers were bringing the pizza and subs topless, Tony’s small After Dark staff could barely keep up with the orders, and the customers were overjoyed with everything. Even with Paulie taking half of the profits and the Garcias taking two thirds of Tony’s half, he would still make out like a bandit.
“Dis shit is off da hook!” Da’Quarius said, walking behind the counter.
“Hey,” Tony said. “Your uncle know you’re here?”
“No,” Da’Quarius replied.
“Good,” Tony said. “Let’s keep it that way.”
“Oh shit,” Da’Quarius said. “The Garcias invited dat biddy dat’s stayin’ wit my biddies.”
“Tell me again about those two brothers that shot each other over you,” Manny said.
“It was all the coke!” Moan said. “We all did coke in the eighties. These two fuckin’ pansies couldn’t handle their blow. They couldn’t decided which one was going to nail me next, and they pulled their guns on each other. Two bangs later, and I’m looking at two corpses.”
“What did you do?” Antonio asked.
“I took the coke and I got the fuck out,” Moan said before cackling.
“Oh shit!” Manny said. “I love these old fuck stories! Can I write your memoirs?”
“Can’t, darling,” Moan said. “Clam Spread Magazine already bought the rights. They went under in the nineties, but the owner’s son is a fuckin’ prick and won’t let me publish.”
“Bastard,” Antonio said. “I’ll bust his fuckin’ kneecaps.”
“You’re a sweetheart,” Moan said, lightly touching Antonio’s face. “You got any blow in this joint?”
“Shit,” Da’Quarius said, back in the kitchen area. He was holding the area just under his stomach. “I ain’t feelin’ so good again.”
“Get away from the food,” Tony said.
“I gotta go to the toilet anyway,” Da’QUarius said, running out.
“Kid takes after his uncle,” Tony said.
Just then, Paulie walked into his pizzeria, swerving around the strippers giving lap dances and serving the customers. Tony saw him come in and came out from behind the counter. “What are you doing here?” he asked.
“Relax,” Paulie said. “I got a date tonight, and I forgot me little black book in my office. I’ll be out of your hair and pretending like I don’t know what you’re doing here in a minute.”
“Oh man,” Da’Quarius said, coming out of the bathroom. “I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I must not be drinkin’ enough water.”
“Da’Quarius?!” Tony exclaimed. “What are you doing here?! When did you sneak in?!”
“What’s wrong with you, kid?” Paulie asked, ignoring Tony.
“My pee hole stings, and I’ve had this pain in my stomach all day,” Da’Quarius said. “Some weird junk just came out of it too. I need to go to a doctor.”
“I’ll say,” Paulie said. “Tony, you stunad. You let the kid in here, and he got the clap! This venture of yours is over!”
“He didn’t get it here!” Tony said. “That stuff doesn’t go on in here! I swear!”
“I just got here too,” Da’Quarius said.
“You been nailing some skanky broad or something?” Tony asked.
“I ain’t nailing anyone!” Da’Quarius said.
“Well, you definitely got the clap,” Paulie said. “Let’s go. We can figure this out while we’re in the emergency room. Close it up, Tony.”
“This wasn’t my fault,” Tony said.
“Close it up, Tony!” Paulie repeated, leading Da’Quarius out the door.
“No!” Tony said. “I finally did something on my own, and it’s successful. It’s not my fault your nephew got the clap!”
“The clap!” Moan exclaimed. “I’ve been there more times than I can count!”
“Close it up,” Paulie repeated again.
“I’m not closing it up,” Tony said. “I’ll keep it going, pay you half, and keep Pizza After Dark alive, long after you’re gone!”
“I gotta get this kid to the hospital,” Paulie said. “We’ll argue about this later.” Paulie left without looking back.
“That was insane,” Antonio said. “Think he means it?”
“Nah,” Tony said. “Pizza After Dark will never die!”
“Here’s your meatball parm grinder, honey,” a topless waitress said, setting down a plate in front of Manny while he was getting a lap dance at his favorite booth. “Fresh out of the oven.”
“Fuck yeah!” Manny said. “I always wanted to eat a grinder while getting a grinder.” He took a big bite of out of his grinder. Hot marinara spilled out from between the bread, spilling on the stripper’s thigh.
“You wad!” the stripper shouted. “You fuckin’ burnt me!”
“Cost of doin’ business, babe,” Manny said, taking another bite. The stripper got off of Manny’s lap. “I didn’t tell you to stop!”
The stripper slapped Manny so hard that his chair fell over. “You dick!” she shouted. “My pimp’s going to hear about this.” She stormed out.
Moan exited the mens room next, followed by a large man zipping his fly and quickly exiting as well. “All done,” she said. “Anyone else? Ten bucks gets you a handy. Twenty five gets you a beejer.”
“CLOSE IT UP!” Tony shouted, putting his hands up. “Pizza After Dark is dead!”
“I’m putting my foot down on this,” Rose said as her and Helen came downstairs the following morning. Moan had made a large ruckus of coming home at around one AM, and Rose wasn’t happy about it. “That woman can’t stay here another day.”
“I’m sorry,” Helen said. “I didn’t mean for you to get upset. I found Moan Rivers in the magazines that got snuck into Havenville Pen. She wasn’t just a woman in the fuck-books for me. When she was getting nailed by two guys in a dugout; I saw freedom. When she was bumping cats with that redhead in the locker room; I saw freedom. When was elbow deep in…”
“You saw freedom,” Rose said. “I get it. I just didn’t realize she meant that much to you.”
“You’re right, though,” Helen said. “Moan isn’t an easy pill to swallow.”
“Let’s talk to her together,” Rose said. “We’ll set some ground rules and get a date for the end of her stay.”
“OK,” Helen said. “That sounds like a fair compromise.”
“Moan,” Rose said, entering her den where Moan was flipping though channels on the TV. “We need to have a talk.”
“Alright,” Moan said, turning the TV off. “Come on, slim. Talk.”
Before Rose or Helen could talk, the door opened and Paulie walked in with Da’Quarius. Both of them looked exhausted. “We have to talk,” Paulie said.
“There’s a lot of that going around,” Moan said.
“That’s not all,” Paulie said. “I just got out of the hospital with Da’Quarius.”
“You were in the hospital?!” Rose exclaimed, rushing to Da’Quarius and hugging him fiercely. “What happened?”
“I’ll tell you what,” Paulie said. “The kid got a nasty case of the clap, and I think we figured out how he got it.”
“The clap?!” Helen said. “Who have you been nailing?”
“Nobody!” Da’Quarius said defensively. “I must have gotten it from that skank that’s been rubbing her crab-covered gash all over dis house!”
“It wasn’t from me!” Moan said. “I always wipe the seat if I get a little piss or shit on it.”
“It had to have been from somewhere,” Paulie said. “I believe the kid when he tells me that he’s been clean.”
“If it was from anywhere, it would have been when I tried on his underwear the other day,” Moan said.
“You did what?!” Rose exclaimed, turning towards Moan suddenly. “That’s it. I want you out of my house. Now!”
“Quit flappin’ your gums, you skinny bitch,” Moan said.
“What did you just say to my wife?” Helen said, standing up.
Moan stood up too, facing Helen. “I told that skinny fucking bitch to stop flapping her stupid fucking gums at me,” she said.
“Good,” Helen said. “That’s exactly what I thought you said.” Helen’s fist moved so fast it looked like a blur. She punched Moan in the jaw so hard that her feet left the air and her false teeth left her mouth. She fell to the ground in front of the couch and didn’t move.
“You killed her!” Da’Quarius said. Moan started snoring loudly.
“She’s just knocked out,” Paulie said. “What do we do with her now?”
“Oh shit!” Manny said, entering their home with his brother. “Why’s Moan Rivers on the floor?”
“She’s napping,” Helen said. “Get the hell out.”
“But she promised to film a scene and do a live chat for GarciaTube,” Antonio said. “She wanted to make the transition into elderly porn.”
“You know she gave me da clap, right?” Da’Quarius said.
“I guess it just became a solo scene,” Manny said, looking at his brother.
“Is there really such a thing as elderly porn?” Helen asked.
“Yeah,” Antonio replied.
“Gross,” Helen said. “Well, you can take her out of here, and don’t forget to pick up her teeth in the corner too. Drop her at the bus station when you’re done. I don’t want to see her face again.”
Manny sighed, putting Moan’s teeth in his pocket. “Get her legs,” he said. Antonio grabbed Moan by the ankles, and the Garcia brothers carried her out of the house.
“I’m glad that’s over,” Rose said.
“I’m glad I got my shots for the clap,” Da’Quarius said. “I’m exhausted from a night at da hospital. Umma sleep until tomorrow morning.”
“Not so fast,” Helen said. “Grab a bucket, some gloves, a sponge, and some bleach. We’re disinfecting this entire house!”
“Fuck it,” Da’Quarius said. “I’m going to sleep in the backyard while you biddies do dat”