“HOLY SHIT!” Helen shouted as she woke up. “It’s an earthquake! New Haven is going to fall into the ocean!”
“You must have been having a bad dream!” Rose called from the kitchen. “There’s no earthquake!”
“Bullshit!” Helen shouted back. “Then why the hell am I shaking like this?! Am I having some kind of a fit?!”
Helen looked down and got the answer to her question. Da’Quarius’ dog, Dutchie, was humping her leg. His tongue hung out of his mouth as he stared at her.
“You perverted mongrel!” Helen exclaimed. “Don’t look me in the eyes while you do it! Get off of me!”
“What are you yelling about?” Rose said, still in the kitchen.
“This damn dog is RAPING ME!” Helen shouted.
Dutchie’s body got still suddenly as he quivered. Helen felt something warm and wet oozing down her leg.
“For the love of fuck!” Helen said, exasperated.
“OK,” Rose said, finally entering the den. “What’s going on in here?”
“Never mind,” Helen said. “He’s finished.”
“Finished what?” Rose said, looking at Helen’s leg and the satisfied dog sitting next of it. “Oh my.”
“‘Oh my is right,” Helen said. “Get me the phone book. I’m calling a vet and having that fucker’s nuts cut off.”
Created, written, & directed by Budgerigar Orville Bigelow
Season 5, Episode 2: The Neutering
The following day, Rose and Helen agreed to have a civilized, yet stern conversation with their adopted son about his dog’s neutering.
“Fuck Dat!” Da’Quarius exclaimed. “You ain’t mutilatin’ my dog’s nut sack!”
“We sure are,” Helen said. “The little bastard has been humping everything he can get his dick on. INCLUDING MY GOOD LEG!”
“Come on, Rose,” Da’Quarius said, turning away from Helen. “Talk some sense into her! Please!”
“I’m on her side, Da’Quarius,” Rose said. “Over population of dogs, especially pitbulls, is a problem. If Dutchie has puppies with some other dog, they’ll more than likely be put to sleep.”
“So my dog loses his nuts or puppies die?” Da’Quarius asked. “Real nice ultimatum.”
“It’s not an ultimatum,” Rose said. “It’s fact. I worked as a police dispatcher in New Haven almost my entire adult life. This city has a major problem with these dogs. If we didn’t adopt Dutchie, he would have likely been put down too.”
“Stop explaining it like that,” Helen said. “It’s two to one, kid. Your dog’s nuts are history.”
“It’s actually better for his health too,” Rose added.
“And I’m tried of washing dog spunk from my couch pillows!” Helen said.
“Fine,” Da’Quarius said. “But I wanna meet da doctor dat’s gonna do da cuttin’.”
Rose, Helen, and Da’Quarius sat in the office of Dr. Rothsfield, the vet that Rose had found. Dutchie sat by Da’Quarius, shaking in fear.
“I don’t know why Helen came,” Da’Quarius said.
“I just want to make sure we’re getting our money’s worth,” Helen said. “Don’t be pissy.”
The door opened and the brown-bearded doctor Rothsfield came in. “Alright,” he said. “Which one of you is Dutchie.”
Rose and Helen laughed while Da’Quarius gave the doctor a dirty look. “He da dog,” he said. “Soon to be a nutless dog.”
“One Bruce Jenner special,” Dr. Rothsfield said, washing his hands. “Let me take a look at Dutchie.”
“Be careful,” Helen said. “He’ll probably hump you.”
“They hump everything at this age,” Dr. Rothsfield said. He began looking over Dutchie. “He’s in good health. We can give him the snip job. No problem.”
“Great,” Da’Quarius said. “I’m glad chopping my dog’s man-bits off is a big joke to everyone!”
“Shut your mouth or I’ll have him take your nuts next,” Helen snapped.
“That’s actually not a bad idea,” Dr. Rothsfield said.
“What idea?” Helen asked.
“Neutering your son,” Dr. Rothsfield replied. “Neutering them when they’re young a great way to control the black population,” Dr. Rothsfield said, still looking over Dutchie. “It’ll calm them down a bit too, I’m sure.”
“What?!” Rose exclaimed, putting her hand in her chest.
“Oh,” Dr. Rothsfield said, looking as if he was just noticing other people were on the room with him. “It was a joke. I’m sorry if I offended.”
“We’re not offended,” Helen said.
“I am!” Rose and Da’Quarius said at the same time.
“Don’t worry, Doctor,” Helen said. “We’ll still be taking the snip job for the dog.”
“Dis some bullshit,” Da’Quarius said, pacing around Paulie’s Pizza. Rose and Helen scheduled the appointment for Dutchie’s neutering despite his protests. “Racist-ass doctor gonna chop my dog’s balls off.”
“Tell me again what this doctor said,” Paulie said. “He wanted to chop your balls off too?”
“Helen wanted him to chop my balls off,” Da’Quarius said .”Dat crazy doctor wanted to start neutering black kids to control the black population.”
“I’m sure he was joking,” Paulie said. “As bad as it was.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure it was a joke,” Tony said, coming from the kitchen, wiping his hands on his apron. “Have you seen the news about those kids they found? They were kidnapped and had their balls removed. It was down in The Hill area.”
“Damn,” Da’Quarius said. “Dat’s where my orphanage used to be. I wonder if dey got any of my friends.”
“Tony’s busting your chops, kid,” Paulie said. “Don’t listen to him.”
“Look it up if you don’t believe me,” Tony said. “I bet it’s this doctor. I think he’s really trying to control the black population by kidnapping black kids and neutering them.”
“Shit,” Da’Quarius said, looking at his phone screen. “It really did happen! Dis guy cut off the hang-low of four kids already. Tony ain’t lying.”
“Told you!” Tony exclaimed. “You gotta catch this mook. He already has your address, kid. He’s probably going to come for you soon.”
“Don’t scare him!” Paulie said.
“I’m not trying to scare him,” Tony said. “I’m just trying to educate him.”
“Well you’re going to give him nightmares!” Paulie shouted. “Madon!”
“Fine,” Tony said, waving a hand and walking back towards the kitchen area. “Hide the grotesqueness of this world from him. Let him find out the hard way when this psycho offers him a Butterfinger and a ride in his van.”
“I hate to admit it, but Tony’s right,” Da’Quarius said. “Dis doctor is probably da one mutilating kid’s dicks. Now that we know who he is, we need to stop him.”
“Yeah!” Tony exclaimed, coming back out from the kitchen area. “Give him a dose of street justice like in the old days! Let’s make our fathers proud and send this mook to the hospital!”
“WILL YOU GET BACK IN THAT KITCHEN, YOU STUNAD!” Paulie shouted, flailing his right hand through the air like he was conducting an orchestra. “You and your stupid ideas! I swear!”
Helen walked back into her den, carrying a cup of tea. She had just taken her afternoon pills, and she was ready to sit down and watch her stories when she saw Dutchie on top of her favorite spot on the couch, vigorously humping her back pillow.
“You horny little bastard!” Helen shouted, scaring Dutchie into running off. “I’m going to get my scissors and neuter you myself if you keep this up!”
“Can you please stop shouting?” Rose said. “He doesn’t understand you.”
“He understands that I’m pissed,” Helen said.
“I’m sure he does,” Rose said. “But it’s in his nature to do what he does. It’s not his fault.”
“Why are you upset with me?” Helen asked. “I’m the one that had to shower the puppy-juice off of my leg.”
“You just didn’t care that Da’Quarius and I were upset with that doctor’s comment,” Rose said. “We should find another vet.”
“Oh no,” Helen said. “That dog is losing his nuts if that doctor turns out to be the Grand Friggin’ Wizard of the KKK. We have a week until his appointment, and I’m not waiting any longer. Once this dog is nutless, you can complain to whatever bureau that quack, nut-chopping shiester reports to.”
“Alright,” Rose said, sighing and sitting down.
“What’s that noise?” Helen asked.
Rose craned her neck and sighed. “Dutchie’s humping his bed,” she said. “Should I stop him?”
“No,” Helen said. “Maybe he’ll learn his lesson if he has to sleep in his own mess tonight.”
It was night, and Paulie was sitting in the driver’s seat of his car. Da’Quarius was in the passenger seat, and Tony was sitting in the middle of the backseat so he could see out of the windshield. “I can’t believe I let you two talk me into this,” Paulie said.
“You wanted to make sure we got the right guy,” Tony said. “We’ll be heroes after we whack him in the knees.”
“Sick mo’ fucker,” Da’Quarius said. “He’s probably taking a paper bag full of kid’s dicks to his buddy da taxidermist. Dey going to stuff them and make trophies out dem to put all over his dick-cutting chamber in his mom’s basement.”
“You have a vivid imagination, kid,” Tony said. “You ever write any fiction?”
“Shaddup, the both of you!” Paulie said. “He’s coming out.”
They all stayed silent as a figure stepped out of the house and walked towards his car. “Dat’s him,” Da’Quarius said. “Dat’s Rothsfield.”
Paulie waited for Dr. Rothsfield walk to his car. Paulie started up his own and pulled out behind him. “Two car lengths,” Da’Quarius said. “Make sure we ain’t up his ass.”
“Have you done this before?” Paulie asked.
“Learned from Grand Theft Auto,” Da’Quarius said. “We’ll get this asshole before he clips my dog’s nuts off.”
“You know the neutering is best for your dog,” Paulie said. “Rose and Helen are both right.”
“I know,” Da’Quarius said. “You remember da way I was before I had the surgery on my hand? If you guys didn’t calm me down, I woulda went crazy. I can’t tell Dutchie dat he’s gonna be OK. He was scared as fuck in da doctor’s office. He don’t know what’s goin’ on.”
“He’ll be fine,” Paulie said. “The doctor knows what he’s doing.”
“Yeah,” Tony said. “He’s been practicing on all of those kids.”
“Shaddup back there,” Paulie said. “You’ll be with Dutchie before, and you’ll be with him afterwards. He doesn’t have to hear your words to know that you’re there for him. Dogs are smarter than most people give them credit for.”
“Thanks, Unca Paulie,” Da’Quarius said.
“I hate to break this up before one of you cries, but he’s pulling over,” Tony said as Dr. Rothsfield stopped his car in a Hill neighborhood.
“Shit,” Paulie said, pulling over too. Rothsfield didn’t notice, and he got out of his car, looking around.
“He’s sneaking around The Hill after sunset,” Da’Quarius said. “Mother fucker is really gonna do it. He lookin’ for a kid right now.”
“I can’t believe you two were right,” Paulie said.
“Told you!” Tony said from the backseat.
“Wait a second,” Paulie said. “Who’s that coming out of the alley?”
The trio watched as Dr. Rothsfield greeted someone coming from an alley. He walked back to his car and opened the passenger side door.
“Who’s dat black chick?” Da’Quarius asked. “She’s a big girl.”
“Look closer,” Tony said. “That’s no girl.”
“What?” Paulie said, squinting his eyes. “Madon. That’s a man!”
“Doctor nut-cutter is gonna bang that tranny!” Tony shouted, roaring with laughter. “I guess he’s not the one chopping kids’ nuts off after all.”
“Shutup,” Da’Quarius said. “He’ll hear you!”
“He already did,” Paulie said, turning the engine back on as Dr. Rothsfield stared at them. “I’m getting the fuck outta here!”
“You think he saw me?” Da’Quarius asked, looking back after they had a block between them and Dr. Rothsfield.
“I don’t know, kid,” Paulie said. “But this ends now.”
“But we didn’t prove that Rothsfield isn’t the nut-cutter,” Tony said. “Only that he bangs trannies.”
“Yeah,” Da’Quarius said. “He can do both!”
“We’re done,” Paulie said. “I’m not following this pervert around anymore.”
“Have it your way,” Tony said. “The next kid that loses his nuts is going to be on your conscious.”
“It’s your big day,” Helen said, walking downstairs. Dutchie was up eating the bowl of food that Da’Quarius had given him for breakfast. “Want to hump a couch cushion before you can’t anymore? Want to moisten up your doggy bed and make it your little trollop?”
Dutchie stopped eating and stared at Helen.
“I know what you want,” Helen said, sitting on the couch. “You want one more shot at my leg, don’t you? Well you’re not getting it!” She cackled with laughter.
“Do you have to torment him?” Rose said, coming into the den with Da’Quarius.
“Yes,” Helen answered.
“Come on, Dutchie,” Da’Quarius said. “Wanna go for a ride?”
Dutchie went crazy and started jumping at the door.
“He wouldn’t be so excited if he knew what he was getting,” Helen said.
“I’m doin’ dis without a fight,” Da’Quarius said. “Da least you can do is let him get his nut bag mutilated with a little dignity!”
“Calm down, kid,” Helen said. “You’re doing the right thing, and I know it. You’d be busting my balls if I was getting a hysterectomy right now.”
“What’s dat?” Da’Quarius asked.
“Never you mind,” Helen said. “Don’t leave the doctor waiting.”
“You’re doing good,” Rose said, putting a hand on Da’Quarius shoulder. “Dutchie is going to be just fine.”
“I know,” Da’Quarius said. “Now let’s get my dog’s nuts cut off by a racist, tranny bangin’ dog doctor!”
“That’s the spirit!” Helen shouted as Da’Quarius left with Dutchie on his leash.
“Wait,” Rose said. “He banged what?”
Da’Quarius sat in the waiting room with Dutchie sitting on the floor with his head in his lap. He looked nervous, and Da’Quarius didn’t know how to calm him before his surgery. He wouldn’t even see Dutchie for two days once he went through the door with Dr. Rothsfield.
“It’s OK, boy,” Da’Quarius said, rubbing Dutchie’s head. “This’ll be better. Helen won’t kill you for humpin’ all her stuff now. It’s only two days. I’ll be here with Rose to pick you up. Don’t be nervous.”
“We’re ready for Dutchie,” Dr. Rothsfiled said, coming out of the back area. He was wearing light blue scrubs. “Don’t worry about your dog. I’ve done this a million times.”
Dutchie started to fight as Da’Quarius handed the leash over to the doctor. “Come on, Dutchie,” Da’Quarius said. “Go on.”
“I’ll take good care of him,” Dr. Rothsfield said, leading Dutchie by the collar.
“See dat you do,” Da’Quarius said. “Jus’ so you know; if anything happens to him, dere will be some TMZ shit goin’ down. You know what I’m talkin’ ’bout.”
“Da’Quarius!” Rose said.
“It’s quite alirght,” Dr. Rothsfield said nervously. “Just so you know; I am very professional, despite what you think you know about me.”
“I know enough,” Da’Quarius said. “Remember dat when you got a knife next to my dog’s ball sack.”
“I will,” Dr. Rothsfield said. He turned to Rose. “We’ll see you in two days. I’ll call later today and let you know how Dutchie did.”
“Thank you,” Rose said.
“Come on, boy,” Dr. Rothsfield said, nearly dragging Dutchie.
“I gotta go,” Da’Quarius said, turning to leave. Rose followed.
TWO DAYS LATER
“Guess who’s back in da mutha fuckin’ house,” Da’Quarius said, coming in his front with Dutchie. “Wit no balls for yo mutha fuckin’ mouth!” Dutchie barked, happy to be home.
“How did nutless do?” Helen asked.
“He good,” Da’Quarius said. “Now nobody will be humpin’ you!”
“I wouldn’t say nobody,” Helen said, looking at Rose as she came in and shut the door.
“I could hear your vulgarity outside,” Rose said. “I know you’re happy that Dutchie is home, but the whole neighborhood heard you.”
“Sorry,” Da’Quarius said.
“I’m not,” Helen said, eyeing Rose. “Kid, take that dog of yours for a walk or something. Take your time.”
“Helen!” Rose said, blushing. “What’s gotten into you?”
“Nothing,” Helen said. “Yet.”
“Fuck dis,” Da’Quarius said. “I’ll go, but Dutchie has to rest. No long walks for a couple of weeks. I got some unfinished business to resolve anyway. You be good Dutchie.” Da’Quarius ran out of the door.
Helen barely waited for the door to slam. “Get your ass over here, Rose,” she said. “I’ll show this friggin’ dog what a real humping looks like.”
Da’Quarius stood near the park in The Hill just after sunset. He looked around as if he was waiting for someone. A white van with a bald eagle painted on the side pulled up and parked. A man got out of the side. He was mostly bald except for a messy half-ring of red hair around the top of his head. He wore a brown bomber jacket and stained jeans. “You need a lift, kid?” he asked.
“I’m not s’posed to talk to strangers,” Da’Quarius said, turning around.
“I’m just trying to help,” the man said. “It’s dangerous at night out here. You never know what can happen.”
“I don’t live too far,” Da’Quarius said. “You’ll take me right home? No funny business?”
“None at all,” the man said with a smile that said otherwise.
“You not gonna try and chop my nuts off, are you?” Da’Quarius asked.
“What?” the man said, backing up a step. There was a thud as a crowbar hit his kneecap, and he fell down. He screamed, but a gloved hand blocked his mouth as the crowbar came down on this other kneecap.
“Got him,” Tony said from behind his ski mask. “Check the van.”
“We fucked if he was just some creepy dude,” Da’Quarius said, getting in the van. “You was supposed to just hold him while I looked.”
“Fuck!” Da’Quarius spat. “It’s him. Dumb mo’ fucker got da knives and polaroids in here!”
Tony duct taped the man’s mouth shut and then taped his hands together around a streetlight pole. He punched him in the teeth for good measure. “Justice,” Tony said.
“Street justice, you nut-chopping bitch!” Da’Quarius said, coming out of the van and kicking him in the balls.
Tony and Da’Quarius ran around the corner to Tony’s waiting car. They got in and Tony drove off. He picked up his phone an hit a button. “Yo,” Tony said, addressing his friend, NHPD Officer Rocco Priolo. “Anonymous call. He’s right where we said. Go get him.”
Da’Quarius put his fist up and Tony bumped it. “Don’t tell Unca Paulie,” Da’Quarius said.
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Tony said.
“Street justice,” they said in unison.