The Bulge: Budgie’s Disney Rant

I don’t remember exactly why, but I’m pissed off at Disney. Again. I used to just have an indifference with a small twang of disdain, but it has turned to straight up anger as of late. Maybe my foray into fatherhood with a woman who is a fan of Disney set me on this collision course with the evil empire that spawned from a cartoon mouse had something to do with it. Maybe I’m just an asshole. Maybe both.

So let me go back… Not too far back (otherwise I’ll be typing this forever). I’ll go as far back as Frozen. Those of you who follow my non-writing account on Twitter (@Buzzquotes) probably know how much I hated Frozen. Those of you who have followed my writing know that I took the liberty of writing them a decent sequel (which they have yet to thank me for, by the way). The reason I did this for them, is because they fucked up the writing of the first one. The only reason this movie made any kind of money is because kids might just be getting dumber (mine being the exception). The only reason Frozen won an Oscar is because the Oscars are fixed, and Disney needed it.

Frozen 2: Ice Cold Vendetta

I’ll come back to Frozen. I’ll probably jump around a bunch of times, so let me make the leap to Big Hero 6. I was excited when this one came out. I really was. It was Disney’s first animated film based on a Marvel comic (since Disney now owns Marvel comics). I don’t mind that it didn’t follow the comic series (I’ve read the comics, and it is not really kid-friendly), but calling what Disney did an abortion would be an insult to abortion enthusiasts. I’ve ranted about this movie before in a post I called “Big Zero 6”, so I’ll keep this rant brief. They took the characters and made them all family friendly (which again, I don’t mind), but they changed their personalities and personas so much that I don’t even know why they used the name “Big Hero 6”. There was almost nothing about the comic in this movie other than character’s names. They even turned one character from Asian to black, because you can’t have an ensemble film without a black character in America. Why even… .Fuck… I can’t even finish this.

Let me add one thing here before I continue. Big Hero 6 wasn’t all that great of a comic to begin with. It came out when Marvel was trying to do a Mangaverse, cashing in on the recent trend of manga (Japanese comics) and anime. Of all the Marvel titles to turn into an animated movie, they could have picked better. Even Pet Avengers would have made a better choice!

Also, Big Hero 6 might be the most predictable movie of all time. As soon as Professor Whats-His-Nuts makes his first appearance I said (out loud in a movie theater full of kids) “He’s the bad guy.”. Also, I predicted by the trailer that they would tease the death of the fucking robot, make me cry, and then bring him back to life in true Disney fashion. Sometimes I wish Disney would pull the trigger on a major character death like good ol’ days of Bambi’s mother.

The Bulge: Big Zero 6

Let me leap forward now to Inside Out, the latest Disney Pixar movie to hit theaters. What the shit are you thinking, Pixar?! I read a rumor online that said you’re just basically waiting out your contract with Disney and saving the good stuff for when you’re on your own, but that was way too long ago it still be accurate. You had to have decided to stay under the Disney banner, and you’re still plopping out little shit-nuggets like this.

Let me give some credit to Pixar where it’s due. Some of the very few Disney animated movies I liked came from them. The Incredibles was both well written and enjoyable. Cars was surprisingly not shit, and Cars 2 was even move surprisingly not shit. Monsters Inc (the first one) and those Toy Story movies were pretty good too. Wreck-It Ralph was downright phenomenal (although I’m not so sure that was Pixar). I didn’t mind sitting through those with my daughter.

But what the crap were you thinking with this one, Pixar? What. The. Crap.

First of all, I think I’m in a minority (with Harbingerr) of people that still remember a sitcom called “Herman’s Head” from the nineties. For those of you who aren’t, Herman’s Head was a sitcom about some dude and the people that lived in his head and controlled an emotion respectively. In other words, Inside Out for grown ups that came out twenty years before Inside Out. Also, where was the Lust character in the adults? If you’re going to rip off Herman’s Head; do it all the way. He was the funniest one on that sitcom.

Here’s the thing that ultimately bored me with Inside Out. There’s no conflict. Sure, there’s Joy and Sadness’ quest to get their host back on the right track by returning her core memories with different viewpoints on what said host needs, but the only conflict they share is how to accomplish their common goal.

The writers missed the golden opportunity here to turn Anger (brilliantly voiced by Lewis Black) into a complete evil flaming piece of subhuman garbage. It looked like they started him down that road when they had him taking over the proverbial driver seat of this little girl’s psyche, having her make all the wrong decisions that would have likely ended her up being human trafficked and sold into the seedy world of underage prostitution. Anger is evil, and Disney glossed over this by making him remorseful for his actions. Was he named Remorse? NO! He was fucking Anger! They didn’t have a Remorse character! Remorse is something Disney knows nothing about.

Also, why was Anger constantly punching Fear and not Disgust after Joy and Sadness got lost? Is it because Disgust is a woman? I doubt Anger would differentiate between male and female when he wants someone to punch. I guess Disney is saying that females aren’t worth a punch in the puss. Another loss for feminism over here, ladies. Pack up your tampons and head into another theater.

So why was Anger written like this? I think the writers at Pixar (who are usually better than the ones who write the usual Disney princess nonsense they churn out like Korean Reebok-bootleggers) originally had him turning evil (which is why you see the seeds of it), but Disney came in with their rewrite. No kid would order his pussy-ass parents to buy him the red guy plush toy from Inside Out if he turned bad in the end. That would mean parents would only have to buy the other four for their screaming brats, and Disney would be out $14.99 per kid. Oh the horror!

Why I’m on the topic of Disney making rewrites, I’m starting to get the impression that Frozen met the same fate. Let me circle back to that icy turd for a moment. It seemed to me that the first third of the movie sets up Elsa as the villain of the piece, but Disney couldn’t have that. Anna had little to no personality (my own daughter has told me that she dislikes Anna because she has no powers and all she could do is wear clothes), so they couldn’t make Elsa the bad guy (even though she had all the workings of a comic book super-villain). So what did Disney do? They threw a heel turn in there for good ol’ Hans. That movie would have been twenty-five minutes long if Hans didn’t make that stupid turn anyway. They needed it. No wonder it took them seventy-five years to push this log out.

Here’s another gripe. What the fuck is up with all the heel turns?! Also, please Google wresting terminology if you do not know what I am referring to with “heel turn”, because I don’t feel like explaining it. Prince Hans in Frozen, Professor Robo-Jerk in Big Hero Six, and King Father-of-the-Year in Maleficent to name the ones in recent memory. Disney isn’t the only one guilty of this one. Just about every movie does it now, and you can almost spot it right after the opening credits in most of them. Why can’t we be treated to a straight forward good guy vs. bad guy movie without throwing the same wrench in there time after time after time after fucking time. I just watched Mad Max: Fury Road, and I was ecstatic with the fact that it was a straight forward as they come. I’ve said it before, but a twist isn’t a twist if you do it every fucking time, Disney. It’s just part of your yawn-inducing formula to make visual diarrhea.

So what’s there to look forward to with Disney? More shit movies based on rides? More of Pixar rehashing their old ideas to keep the gravy train running? So many princesses and talking animals that you start to wonder if Disney even knows what ‘pandering’ means anymore?

Look, I’m not saying Disney will ever be put out of my misery, but the animated movies Dreamworks have been putting out make Disney’s animated movies look like that shit on Netflix you never heard of that your daughter makes you watch when it’s raining out and you can’t go to the park. The Shrek movies were great (except Shrek the Third), and Kung Fu Panda 1 and 2 are among my favorite cartoons ever. How to Train Your Dragon was awesome, and the second one blew it the fuck away. I didn’t think I’d like Home either, but I thoroughly enjoy that mother fucker. Even that racing snail movie was decent. Dreamworks should have Disney sucking its CGI animated balls right now!

If I had to make one point out if this entire hot mess of a blog post, it’s that the writing just isn’t there at Disney any more. Those straight-to-DVD Tinker Bell movies are better written than anything they’ve released to theaters lately. They need to stop being concerned about quantity over quality. In other words; They should be writing with the goal for putting out something they can be proud of rather than something that will sell happy meal figurines and plush dolls.

OK. I have to conclude this thing or I’ll be ranting forever, so here it goes… Disney needs some new blood, and Budgie Bigelow is ready to step up. I don’t do deadlines and don’t take to having my stories changed in order to sell toys. Also, I refuse to let up on the violence and sex. Hit me up, fuckers.

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