Super Smash Bros: First Blood

Super Mario and Princess Peach faced off against Zelda and Link in a time battle in the Kongo Jungle. The match started, and its combatants came out swinging. Mario landed an uppercut on Link, sending him flipping though the air while Zelda dropkicked Peach almost off the screen. She rebounded, landing softly using her umbrella. 

It was Link’s turn to go on the offense. He lashed out with a dozen sword thrusts. Mario tried to block, but Link was just too fast.

“Mama mia!” Mario shouted, jumping back from Link. “Stop it, you stunad! You cut my fucking ear off!”

Link stopped, observing the damage he’d done. Zelda ran up behind him. “Oh my Gods,” Zelda said, speaking for Link, because he can’t for some reason. “What happened?”

“This gagootz sliced my ear off with his sword!” Mario exclaimed, pointing a white-gloved finger at Link. “I thought this was a friendly competition, and he comes at me with a friggin’ sword. I didn’t bring any weapons with me! Why would you bring your sword?!”

“Oh my God!” Peach said, looking at the bloody hole on the side of Mario’s head. She turned, vomiting into a floating barrel with a white arrow. The vomit shot from the barrel, launching it into the air. “We need to get you to a hospital!”

“No shit!” Mario spat. “Ah fongool!”

“That’s not supposed to happen,” Zelda said. “We’re just supposed to hit each other back and forth until one of his flies off screen.”

“Well that didn’t happen!” Mario yelled. “You cut off my friggin’ ear!”

“I know!” Zelda yelled, getting frustrated. “We can all see that your ear was cut off!”

“Don’t yell at him!” Peach snapped. “Come on, Mario. Let’s find the ear and have it reattached. I’ll drive you to Dr. Toadsworth.”

“Toadsworth!?” Mario exclaimed. “That queer?!”

“Come on,” Peach said, tugging Mario. She turned to Link and Zelda before getting Mario in her pink go kart. “Nintendo will hear about this!”

Peach sped off. “Puttana de Eva!” Mario shouted. “I can’t believe he cut off my fuckin’ ear!”

Zelda turned to leave, and Link watched the car leave. “What an asshole,” he said.

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