“Yo Cousin?!” Da’Quarius exclaimed, climbing the spiral staircase that led to Flounder’s attic room. “We supposed to be workin’ on Hessman’s project. Yo cousin gonna fuck dat up!”
“I know,” Flounder said as Da’Quarius entered his room. “We weren’t expecting him to be here.”
Da’Quarius stopped and his jaw almost dropped as he watched Flounder’s cousin, sitting on the floor and building a small, pink house out of legos. He wore Spider-Man pajamas that were way to small for him, his belly hanging over the blue pants. His chubby face was a mask of concentration as he placed the lego version of Hello Kitty onto her pink lego chair. The most discerning aspect was that Flounder’s cousin was much older than he had thought.
“Is he like thirty or somethin’?” Da’Quarius asked.
“Thirty-two,” Flounder said. “I’m sorry, Daq. Can we do this another time? Maybe Mr. Hessman will give us an extension on our report. My father said that I have to show him around New Haven. He’s only visiting from Korea for the weekend.”
“Shit,” Da’Quarius said. “I’ll show him around the neighborhood wit’chu. I bet we can do our report on him learnin’ ’bout America through New Haven.”
“That’s a great idea!” Flounder exclaimed. “Oh… Let me introduce you. This is my cousin, Kim. Kim, this is my friend, Da’Quarius.”
Created, written, & directed by Budgerigar Orville Bigelow
Season 4, Episode 5: Kim Jong Fun
“Wait,” Da’Quaurius said. “Kim?”
“Yeah,” Flounder said. “My cousin Kim.”
“This is yo cousin?” Da’Quarius asked. “Kim from Korea?”
“Yeah,” Flounder said.
“Oh my God,” Da’Quarius said, brutal realization setting in. “Kim is a girl’s name!”
Kim turned to look at Da’Quarius. “In my homeland, my name is power,” he said, saluting his words with a fist to his bosom. “Do you have any more pink legos, Kwang?”
“I dunno,” Flounder said, shrugging. “Those are my sister’s. We’re leaving now, anyway. Come on, Kim.”
“Yes!” Kim said, jumping up and nearly shaking the floor. “Let’s go!”
“Wait,” Da’Quarius said. “You ain’t gonna change first?”
“No,” Kim answered. “I’m Spider-Man today!” He started waving his arms, imitating Spider-Man’s web-slinging. “Watch out, Doctor Octopus! The supreme Spider-Man is here to stop you from spreading the disease of capitalism!” He kicked over his lego house, spilling pink and white legos across the floor.
“You have to change,” Flounder said, interrupting his cousin’s web-slinging and air-kicking. “You can’t leave the house in pajamas. You have to wear outside clothes.”
“Yeah,” Da’Quarius agreed. “You gonna get yo ass kicked in does.”
“Fine,” Kim said, rolling his eyes. “I will meet you downstairs in five minutes. Fascists.”
“Is yo cousin retarded?” Da’Quarius asked once he and Flounder were downstairs, waiting for Kim.
“No,” Flounder replied. “He’s just a weird asshole.”
“Wait in my livin’ room,” Da’Quarius said, entering his house on Freedom Lane with Flounder and Kim behind him. Dutchie, his brown pitbull terrier jumped around him. “I just have to get some things from my room and take Dutchie out back for a piss. We should be outta here before Rose an’ Helen get back from da doctor. Don’t let Kim talk to Helen if da biddies come back before we out.”
“Which one of your mothers is Helen again?” Flounder asked.
“She da mean biddy,” Da’Quarius said, walking upstairs. “Gray curly hair.”
“Hee hee,” Kim giggled.
“I don’t get how that doctor can see what’s wrong with me with those squinty eyes,” Helen said, entering her home with Rose behind her.
“The doctor is just Asian,” Rose said. “Not blind.”
“Rose,” Helen said, stopping dead. “He sent some more of them to our home!”
“Is this capitalist family?” Kim asked, giggling when he was done.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Rose said, addressing Helen. “That’s Da’Quaruis’ friend, Flounder. Hello, Flounder. Who is this you brought with you?”
“This is my cousin, Kim,” Flounder said, watching Helen’s gaze from the corner of his eye. “He’s visiting from Korea, and we are showing him around before he has to go back. Da’Quarius said he had to take care of his dog.”
“I’m here!” Da’Quarius said, rushing downstairs with Dutchie still jumping around him. “Umma take Dutchie outside real quick, Rose, then we gonna be out.”
“Can I talk to you, actually?” Rose asked. “In the kitchen. You come too, Flounder.”
“Wait,” Da’Quarius said. “We can’t leave Kim…”
“Now,” Rose said, turning and walking to the kitchen. Da’Quarius sighed and followed her with Flounder right behind him. Kim sat on the couch with Helen, who eyed him suspiciously.
“Are my Dentist’s assistant?” Helen asked.
“No,” Kim replied.
“Do you work at the Chinese food place down by Humphrey Street?”
“Are you the communist dictator of North Korea?”
Kim didn’t say a word. He just looked in Helen’s accusing eyes.
“What are you two doing hanging out with thirty-two year old man?” Rose asked.
“It ain’t like dat!” Da’Quarius said. “He really is Flounder’s cousin.”
“Yeah,” Flounder said. “My parents told me to show him around. Da’Quarius is helping me.”
“I couldn’t just let dem wander around New Haven,” Da’Quarius said. “Dey’d get mugged and killed. Dat mo’ fucker wanted to go out in Spider-Man pajamas today. He ain’t right in da head!”
“OK,” Rose said. “Calm down, Da’Quarius. I just wanted to make sure. You’re a good boy to take the time to show hi around. I just want you both to be careful.”
“I know he’s weird,” Flounder said.
“No,” Rose said, backing off her original stance. “You just hear a lot of things in the news. I didn’t expect to come home to find two thirteen year old boys hanging out with a man in his thirties.”
“We done in here?” Da’Quarius said. “Because he’s hanging out wit Helen, an’ we shouldn’t be leavin’ dem alone in dere.”
“Please,” Rose said, getting up. “Helen is harmless, and you know it.”
Da’Quarius started following Rose back towards the living room. “You know someone else named Helen?”
“WHERE’S THE DAMN NUKES?!” Helen shouted. She had tied Kim up to her recliner. “TELL ME!”
“What on earth are you doing?!” Rose exclaimed, rushing back into her living room from the kitchen. “Where did you get that rope from?”
“You don’t know who this is?!” Helen said, turning towards Rose. “This is Kim Jong Un, evil leader of communist Korea! Haven’t you been watching the nightly news?!”
“Come on,” Da’Quarius said. “Let him go.”
“Really,” Rose said, walking to the recliner and untying Kim. “You’ve seen way too many movies. I think you need to go down for a nap.”
“I’m not a baby!” Helen snapped. “And he’s not just here to tour our neighborhood. He’s here to spread the red tentacles of communism into our homes!”
“I’m so sorry,” Rose said, helping Kim out of the chair. “Helen gets a little wound up sometimes.”
“We were just playing a game,” Kim said. “It’s fine. Hee hee.”
“We gotta go,” Da’Quarius said. “I’ll be back by dinner.”
“OK,” Rose said, still looking worried. “You guys be safe.”
“Watch out for nukes,” Helen muttered, sitting on the sofa. Kim took the seat next to her once more.
“You are old and wise,” Kim said, putting his hand over Helen’s. “In my homeland, you would be revered as a sage.”
“In my homeland you’d deliver egg rolls for a two dollar tip,” Helen said, sneering. “Get your chubby hands off of me and get the fuck out.”
“Oh Helen,” Rose sighed.
“Come on, Kim,” Flounder said as Da’Quarius opened the door. “Let’s go.” Kim and Flounder left, followed by Da’Quarius. Rose sat on the couch, exhausted from the short exchange of words.
“Did you see that?!” Helen exclaimed. “That fat little gook just tried to fuck me!”
“Where are we going?” Flounder asked. He was following Da’Quarius as he walked down his street.
“It’s just about lunch time,” Da’Quarius said. “I think it’s about time yo cousin gets some American food in his belly.”
“Lunchtime!” Kim shouted. “American food! Burger King and MacDonalds. Let’s go to Dunkin the Donut! Dunkin the Donut!”
“Where are we going to eat?” Flounder asked, ignoring Kim’s shouting of every restaurant he could remember.
“Paulie’s Pizza!” Kim shouted.
“OH!” Paulie yelled at this friend and employee, Tony. “I said I need a large sausage! Stop guffawing like a moron and make the damn pie!”
“Sure thing, boss,” Tony said, still chuckling.
“Your pizza will be ready shortly,” Paulie told told the trio of customers that had just paid him, smiling. He turned to Tony. “Madon. I’m going to take large sausage pizzas off the menu if you don’t stop.”
“Don’t forget the large pepperoni,” Tony said, still laughing at himself.
“Hey,” Paulie said, looking out the window. “Here comes the kid.”
“I thought he called out becuase of some school project,” Tony said. “Tell him I need him to clean the shitter.”
“He’s probably looking for some lunch,” Paulie said. “Studying takes a lot out of you. You’d know that if you finished middle school, you gagootz.”
“And what year did you get your diploma, professor?” Tony asked
“Shaddup!” Paulie exclaimed. “Just get that pie out here already!”
Da’Quarius, his friend that Paulie recognized as the Asian kid that Da’Quarius hung around with sometimes, and some older Asian guy came in and sat in the furthest booth from the door. Once they were seated, Da’Quarius came to the counter.
“Yo, Unca Paulie,” Da’Quarius said. “What up?”
“Why don’t you tell me, kid,” Paulie said. “What’s with little Mount Fuji over there? He looks a little big to be hanging around with a couple of kids.”
“Dat’s Flounder’s cousin, Kim,” Da’Quarius said. “He ain’t gonna molest us. I just told Rose the same thing if that’s what you gonna ask.”
“You sure?” Paulie asked. “He looks like he’s touched a few kids.”
“I’m sure,” Da’Quarius said. “He probably too stupid to do it.”
“That Chinese mook looks familiar,” Tony said, bringing the bag of grinders to the waiting customers. “He that Korean one?”
“There’s a billion of ’em,” Paulie said. “Can you please be a little more specific?”
“That one that we’re after,” Tony said. “The guy who paid off bin Laden to do nine-eleven. Kim something something.”
“His name is Kim,” Da’Quarius said. “But I didn’t catch his last name.”
“It is him!” Tony said. “Let’s get some rope and tie him up!”
“Helen already did that an’ let him go,” Da’Quarius said. “I don’t think he’s who you guys think he is anyway.”
“They all look alike,” Paulie said, looking at Kim in a way that told Da’Quarius otherwise. “Anyway, you guys want a pie?”
“Yeah,” Da’Quarius said. “My usual, but can I have a large for my friends too and a pitcher for sodas?”
“Sure,” Paulie said. “Anything for you and your little friends.”
“I’ll put some sushi on top,” Tony said. “I think I got some old fish in the dumpster.”
“I’m going!” Tony said, retreating to the kitchen, tossing his hands up. “Madon!”
“Listen, kid,” Paulie said, turning back to Da’Quarius. “You call me as soon as Ding-Dong Panda over there puts a paw down your shorts, and I’ll take care of him.”
“Dat may be da most fucked up thing you ever said,” Da’Quarius said. “But you got nuttin’ to worry ’bout.”
“That American pizza was yummy!” Kim shouted into the daylight. “Hee hee.”
“Dude,” Da’Quarius said. “Shut da fuck up. You gonna get all of our asses kicked. Damn!”
“I’m sorry,” Flounder said. “There’s nothing for him to do in Korea. He just sits in his house all day and barely gets out. He’s been like this ever since his father died and left him in charge.”
“I shall bear my burden for the sake of my homeland and my father’s homeland,” Kim said, putting a closed fist against his chest and looking up into the sky. “Hee hee.”
“We should do somethin’ for him,” Da’Quarius said, pulling Flounder aside. “Somethin’ he probably can’t do in Korea. Maybe we can pull him outta his funk.”
“What are you talking about?” Flounder asked, looking back at Kim, who was mesmerized as two kids on skateboards passed by. He giggled as they turned down another street.
“Sorry,” Da’Quarius said. “It was somethin’ I heard Rose say once. Anyway, I heard of this place…”
“Rocky Pine Park?” Founder asked, reading the sign once they were off the city bus. “That park looks like it’s for little kids, and it’s been beat up. Besides, it’s almost dark. I don’t think we should be here after dark.”
“We’re here for what happens after dark,” Da’Quarius said. “Helen told me never to come here at night or I’d end up at the end of a homo-kabob.”
Flounder’s eyes grew wide with terror. “Then why did you bring us here?!”
“We not here for us!” Da’Quarius replied, annoyed. “For yo cousin. He needs to get his gay nut out.”
Kim’s hands went to his face. “Hee hee.”
“This isn’t a good idea,” Flounder protested.
“Go walk around in da parkin’ lot,” Da’Quarius told Kim. “We’ll be hidin’ by da trees.”
Kim giggle once more and did as Da’Quarius told him. He wandered around the parking lot, looking around curiously.
“Can I ask you something?” Flounder asked. “Your mother, Helen, lived a long life as a lesbian in a world intolerant to gays. Why does she dislike homosexuals so much?”
“I dunno,” Da’Quarius said shrugging. “Dat’s just Helen, I guess.”
“You don’t want to know?” Flounder asked.
“Shit,” Da’Quarius replied. “I ain’t gonna be da one to ask her. If you want to know so bad, you can ask her.”
Flounder shuddered. “I think I’ll pass.”
“Look,” Da’Quarius said. “Here comes a van!”
A black van pulled up and the a driver stepped out. He was a big man with a large gut in front of him. He had a large brown beard and had a red hat on his head. “You lost?” he asked.
“I am experiencing America,” Kim replied. “Hee hee.”
“I can see that,” the man said, smiling widely. “There’s more to experience in the back of my van.”
“Oooo,” Kim said, looking at the van. “What’s in there?”
“It’s a surprise,” the man said. “Come on in and see.”
“OK,” Kim said, walking towards the back of the van. The bearded man eyed his chubby prize from behind before opening the door for him. The disappeared with a slam of the door.
“What’s he going to do to Kim in there?” Flounder said, worried.
“I honestly never wanna find out,” Da’Quarius said, playing on his phone. “Get comfortable.”
“Didn’t you tell your mothers that you would be home by dinner?” Flounder asked. “Won’t you be in trouble?”
“I called an’ told them I was eatin’ at yo place,” Da’Quarius said. “Didn’t you tell yo folks da same?”
“No,” Flounder said. “They’re gonna be so pissed.”
After twenty minutes of Da’Quarius and Flounder fiddling their phone batteries away, Kim emerged from the back of the van alone. Once he was ten steps away, the van roared to life and quickly left the park parking lot. Da’Quarius and Flounder left their hiding place and walked up to him.
“Listen,” Da’Quarius said. “What happened in dat van is yo business. We don’t wanna know, and we won’t ask. It’ll be yo little secret. OK?”
“Hee hee,” Kim giggled. “Large hairy American make love to my bottom.” Flounder rushed to a bush and threw up.
Da’Quarius dropped his hands to his sides, looked at the ground, and shook his head. “You a dirty son of a bitch, Kim.”
“And that was our experience helping Flounder’s cousin acclimate himself with American culture,” Da’Quarius said, finishing his shared oral report he took turns giving with Flounder.
“The end,” Flounder said, smiling.
“I told you not to say dat!” Da’Quarius whispered.
The class stared at the pair in disbelief. Mr. Hessman had stopped making notes shortly into the start of the story and just listened. “Is that true?” He asked. “The tying up and the pizza place and the bearded man in the van?”
“It’s all true,” Flounder replied, looking at his shoes.
“The two of you exposed something here,” Mr. Hessman said. “Aside the bigotry of Da’Quarius’ makeshift family. There’s a fear in our country of an invisible enemy. There’s a depth to your story that one would miss if they weren’t paying attention to the details. Aside from that part in Rocky Pine Park that is. You two could have left that out.”
“Thanks,” Da’Quarius said. Flounder mumbled an almost silent thank you of his own.
“I’m giving you both B pluses for both your report and what you did for research,” Mr. Hessman said. “But you’re both fucked. Metaphorically I mean.”
“B plus,” Da’Quarius said, walking back to his seat with Flounder. “Fuck yeah.”
The plane came to a stop on the tarmac, and the side door opened. Dong Mun Cher watched as his leader emerged from the plane. They had worried that Kim’s trip to America would end in disaster, but he had returned home just fine.
“Welcome home, Supreme Leader,” Dong Mun said. “We anxiously awaited for your glorious return. I pray that your trip to the land of evil was informative.”
“Hee hee,” Kim said, blushing. He put his hand up towards Dong with his palm pointed towards the ground. Dong grasped the soft hand lightly and gently kissed it. Kim blushed.