Helen, Rose, and Da’Quarius Masters ate their saturday morning breakfast in the kitchen of their home on Freedom Lane in New Haven, CT. Helen was eating some dry toast with a cup of weak tea along with a small pile of pills. Rose was having toast as well, but she put a thin layer of honey on hers. Da’Quarius had a small pile of sausages with his toast.
“Those things will clog your colon!” the seventy-nine year old Helen cackled, watching her adopted son eat another greasy sausage.
“Don’t worry about my colon,” Da’Quarius said. “Umma blast dis dookie out before I head to Paulie’s.”
Rose nearly dropped her cup of tea. “Da’Quarius!” she said. “Don’t talk like that at breakfast!”
“Sorry, Rose,” Da’Quarius said. “I meant to say: ‘Umma pass dis dookie before I head to Paulie’s’.”
“Thank you,” Helen said, sipping her tea while Rose shook her head while looking down at the table.
There was a loud beeping outside. “What in God’s name is that racket?!” Helen screeched.
“Dat’s just a truck,” Da’Quarius said. Helen ignored him, shuffling out of the kitchen and towards the large front window in the living room.
“It’s a moving truck!” Helen exclaimed. “They’re backing up to Lloyd’s house. Is Lloyd moving away? Why wouldn’t he tell us?”
“Lloyd died two months ago,” Rose said. “We went to his funeral. Don’t you remember?”
“Eh,” Helen said, shrugging. “I know we went to someone’s funeral.”
The trio watched from the window as the new owners of the house emerged from the moving truck. They were two tan-skinned men somewhere in their early thirties. “Oh dear God,” Helen said, nearly pressing her face on the glass. “They’re here.”
“Who’s here?” Da’Quarius asked.
“Why’d you even ask?” Rose said, rolling her eyes and walking away from the window.
“The Mexicans,” Helen replied. One of the men turned and saw Helen watching from her window. He raised his hand in a friendly wave. Helen flipped him off. “There goes Freedom Lane.”
Created, written, & directed by Budgerigar Orville Bigelow
Co-created by executive producer BluntSharpness
Season 4, Episode 2: The Brothers Garcia
Paulie was tearing into the mail while Tony got the restaurant ready for the day. He put the bills neatly in one pile and the junk into the trash pail. He saved the small box for last. It was a plain brown box wrapped in white twine. He opened the box, dumped the smaller box onto his desk, and nearly jumped out of his chair when he saw what came in the mail.
“What the hell!” he exclaimed. Paulie pushed the box away from the edge of the desk with the tip of a pen as if it were poison.
“Everything OK in there, boss?” Tony shouted from the other room.
“Yeah!” Paulie called back. “I just saw a mouse.”
“I’ll get the glue traps,” Tony said. “We’ll smash the little fucker before he could shit all over the mozzarella like the last one.”
Paulie waited to hear the sound of Tony’s footsteps fade away before turning the box over in his hands. “Who the hell would mail me an inflatable vibrating butt plug?” he asked the empty office. The picture on the box showed a woman with no pants on bent over a table, ready to receive the inflatable vibrating butt plug pictured underneath her. It was black, shiny, and reminded Paulie of an arrowhead. He picked up the box it came in to see the postmark, and he saw that the toy came all the way from Australia. He then looked at the address and realized he had just opened mail addressed to Tony.
“Tony, you sick bastard,” Paulie said.
Paulie heard Tony coming back in with the glue traps, and he stashed the package and the empty box in a desk drawer. Tony passed his office and went back to work in the kitchen. Paulie breathed a deep sigh of relief and couldn’t help the guilt he felt. “Madon.”
Rose walked across the street and to the right to the house that was newly occupied. She had to talk Helen into getting dressed and coming with her to deliver the gift basket that she put together with things from her garden and various stuff she hoarded for such an occasion. Da’Quarius was eager to go with them and meet the neighbors (but mostly wanted to hear what Helen would say to them in person).
“Hello,” Rose said, approaching the two men unloading their rented We-Haul truck. “I’m Rose Masters, this is my wife Helen, and this is our son, Da’Quarius. We’re your neighbors from across the street.”
“I’m Manny Garcia,” Manny said, shaking Rose’s hand delicately. “That’s my brother Antonio.”
“Antonio?” Helen sneered. “What kind of name is that for a Mexican?”
“Helen?!” Rose said, turning.
“We ain’t Mexican,” Manny said. “We’re American!”
“What brings you guys to New Haven?” Rose asked.
“We needed a new base of operations,” Antonio answered. “Everyone in New Jersey had their hands in our pockets when we started raking in the dough, and you can’t get anywhere in New York unless you’re one of the queers. New Haven seemed to be the best place for the Garcia Brothers to keep their business going.”
“And what it is that you do?” Rose asked, determined not to be upset about the ‘queer’ remark (mostly because of Helen’s Mexican remark).
“Internet business and marketing stuff,” Manny answered. “It’s very complex.”
“Is it porn?” Da’Quarius asked.
“Da’Quarius!” Rose exclaimed. “I’m very sorry.”
“It’s OK,” Manny said. “It it porn, though.”
“Ha!” Helen cackled. “What kind?”
“Normal stuff,” Antonio answered, shrugging. “Guy on girl, girl on girl, two girls on a guy, two guys on a girl, four girls on each other, gays, shemales, midgets, racial stuff, toys, watersports, anal, fisting, anal fisting, reverse guitar stringing…”
“I figured you’d have two Latina women having a three-way with a lawnmower,” Helen interrupted.
Rose looked appalled, but Manny and Antonio started laughing. “That’s a good one,” Antonio said. “Two Girls, One Mower. I say we film it!”
“You guys are cool as fuck,” Da’Quarius said. “But I gotta go. I work down at Paulie’s Pizza on State Street on Saturdays. Come by for a slice later and meet my Unca Paulie too.”
“Sounds good,” Manny said. “Have fun.”
“Later,” Antonio added.
“OK,” Helen said, turning around. “I’m done here too. I’m going back inside.”
Da’Quarius swept and mopped the floor of Paulie’s Pizzeria, noticing that Paulie was keeping his distance from Tony. Once the floor was mopped and the wet floor signs were up, Da’Quarius went to Paulie’s office to check on him.
“Everything OK?” Da’Quarius asked.
“Fine,” Paulie said.
“You sure?” Da’Quarius asked. “Because you ain’t been talkin’ to Tony all day. It looks like you been avoidin’ him. You guys get in another argument?”
“No,” Paulie replied. “It ain’t like that, kid. You wouldn’t understand.”
Tony walked in Paulie’s office too. “You said the mail already came today, right?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Paulie said. “Nothin’ special in there today.”
“Oh,” Tony said. “Let me know if he comes by again. Sometimes they deliver the packages later in the day on Saturdays.”
“Will do,” Paulie said, starting to shuffle some papers on his desk. Tony stared at him for a moment before going back off towards the kitchen.
“See what I mean?” Da’Quarius asked. “Somethin’s goin’ on between you guys. You fuckin’ wit his bitch again or somethin’?”
“Oh!” Pauile exclaimed. “I don’t do stuff like that to a friend, and I didn’t know that was his girl when I did.”
“You didn’t exactly stop when you found out,” Da’Quarius said.
“Oh!” Paulie exclaimed.
“Just tell me,” Da’Quarius said. “You know you gonna eventually.”
“You know that package he was asking about?” Paulie asked. “I accidentally opened it.”
“Shit,” Da’Quarius said. “That’s not too bad. Just tell him. He’d be cool if it’s just an accident.”
“It’s a little worse than that,” Paulie said. He opened his desk drawer and showed Da’Quarius the inflatable vibrating butt plug. Da’Quarius started laughing loudly. “Will you quiet the hell down, kid?”
“Holy shit!” Da’Quarius said, unable to stop laughing. “Dat’s what he’s waitin’ for? He really wants to put that up his butt right away!”
“Shut your damn mouth,” Paulie said. “This is embarrassing enough without you laughing like a damn hyena! I should have never told you. Madon!”
“What’s so funny?” Tony said, coming back into Paulie’s office. “I wanna laugh too.”
The butt plug was stashed back into Paulie’s desk, but Da’Quarius kept laughing loudly. “Nothin,” he said. “Paulie farted!”
“Oh yeah?” Tony said, smirking a bit. “Sure smells like he did.”
“Get outta here, you little mook!” Paulie shouted. “Isn’t your shift up?”
“Yeah,” Da’Quarius said, wiping the tears from his eyes. “I’ll see you at home for dinner later.”
“You fart all the time,” Tony said. “It ain’t that funny.”
“That kid got problems,” Paulie said. “I think he’s on the weed.”
“Shit,” Tony said, turning to watch Da’Quarius leave. “Tell him to share the wealth next time.”
“Do you hear that racket?!” Helen shouted from her chair near the front of the house. It was Sunday morning, and she’d spent most of the day before doing what she was doing now; spying on the newest residents of Freedom Lane. “They’ve been fiddling with those damn cars all morning!”
Da’Quarius went to the window and followed Helen’s gaze to the Garcia Brother’s house. They had two Honda Civics in their driveway (one read and one blue) and were doing some work on them. “You can barely hear it,” Da’Quarius said. “And you can’t hear shit on a good day. You wouldn’t have known they was even out there if you weren’t spying on dem since yesterday.”
“And those damn dogs barked all night!” Helen added.
“They did not,” Rose retorted. She was sitting at the dining room table with a potted plant in front of her. “They did a little bit, but they stopped. I met the dogs yesterday. They’re the nicest three pitbulls I’ve ever met. They’re just a little anxious about their new surroundings.”
“You can’t even hear what happens in this house, biddy,” Da’Quarius said.
“Those dogs need to be put down!” Helen said, slamming a fist on the end table. “They eat babies!”
“I highly doubt Manny and Antonio would train their dogs to eat babies,” Rose said, still focusing on her plant.
“It’s in their nature!” Helen snapped. “Chickens lay eggs. Ducks float on water. Pitbulls eat babies. Period.”
“I wanna see the dogs,” Da’Quarius said. “Umma go over dere.”
“No!” Helen shouted.
“Make sure you ask first,” Rose said, ignoring Helen’s shouts.
“Ok,” Da’Quarius said, putting on his coat. “I’ll see you guys later.”
Helen turned to give Rose a dirty look. “You’ll be picking his dreadlocks out of dog shit later. You know that, right?”
“Have you taken your meds today?” Rose asked.
“Not since yesterday,” Helen said, turning back towards the window. “I’ve been a little busy.”
“Wha’chu guys doin’?” Da’Quarius asked, walking up to the Garcia brothers.
“Just some auto work,” Manny answered, closing the hood of his civic. “We outsource our porn and webcam stuff, so we have a lot of free time. Most of the calls and conferences we have to do take place at night.”
“Dat’s awesome,” Da’Quarius said. “Sounds like a good business to get into.”
“It’s not for everyone,” Antonio added. “There’s a lot of competition. We’re just lucky we found a formula that worked with the minimal amount of effort. We write the scripts, send them out, the girls fuck, we post them on our site, and people pay to see it.”
“It’s a beautiful time to be alive!” Manny exclaimed.
“Word,” Da’Quarius said. “Since we neighbors now, you should hook a brutha up wit a free password.”
“How old are you?” Manny asked.
“I’m thirteen,” Da’Quarius replied.
“OK,” Manny said. “But click that you’re eighteen when you enter GarciaTube.”
“Mutha fucker, this ain’t my first time online!” Da’Quarius said.
“Come to our ‘Welcome to the Neighborhood’ barbecue at five thirty tonight,” Antonio added. “I’ll have your password set up by then. Bring those two ladies you live with.”
“Sure,” Da’Quarius said. “Rose told me ’bout yo pitbulls. Let me see dem, yo.”
“Yeah,” Manny said, letting Da’Quarius into the backyard. The dogs came running up to Da’Quarius and and started jumping around. Manny picked up a chewed up rope and threw it to the other side of the yard. The dogs went chasing it.
“Cool,” Da’Quarius said. “What are their names?”
“The white ones are Sneak and Tango,” Manny said. “They’re brothers. The black one is their cousin. His name is Homicide.”
“Hey,” Tony said, walking into Paulie’s office. They were only open until just after the dinner rush on Sundays and started late. “You sure no package came yesterday? The post office web site said it was delivered.”
Paulie sighed. “Look,” he said. “Sit down for a second.”
“Fuck,” Tony said. “Am I in trouble?”
“No,” Paulie said. “I am. I was opening the mail and I accidentally opened your package and saw what you got. I was embarrassed and didn’t say anything.”
Tony looked at Paulie for a moment. “You saw what was inside?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Paulie said. “I”m sorry. I want you to know what you do in your private time is your own business. I won’t pry about it.”
“You can be such a stunad sometimes,” Tony said, laughing. “I don’t care that you accidentally opened it. I need that for Nicky’s birthday. We give each other gag gifts every year. I got that all the way from Australia. He’s going to shit when he opens his gift to find a butt plug!”
“Oh,” Paulie said. “A gag gift?”
“You didn’t think I’d stick that thing up my ass, did you?!” Tony said. “You’re fucked up sometimes, Paulie. I swear to God!”
“Hey!” Paulie said. “How should I know? Different strokes for different folks.” Paulie reached in his desk drawer and handed Tony the butt plug. “Get that thing upstairs so a customer doesn’t see it.”
“Sure thing, boss,” Tony said, taking it from Paulie.
Paulie got up from his desk, picking up the newspaper and folding it under his armpit. “You had me goin’ there,” Paulie said walking towards his bathroom. “I really thought you liked to put stuff up your ass!”
Tony waited for the bathroom door to close before walking towards the staircase to his apartment. “Finally,” he said under his breath. “I’ve been dying to try this thing out.”
Helen marched over to the Garcia brother’s house with purpose. She’d had enough of everything that had been going on lately.
“Hi, Miss Masters!” Antonio shouted as Helen marched right into their backyard. They already had their yard chairs unfolded and the grill lit. “You’re early. The barbecue doesn’t start for another forty five minutes.”
“I’m not here to mooch your grilled donkey and black beans!” Helen snapped.
“Whoa!” Manny said, getting up from his lawn chair, holding his Corona. “Not cool. I fuckin’ hate black beans!”
“I’m here to tell you to shut off that damn salsa music!” Helen said. “I can’t get a moment’s rest with you two taco stuffers over here blasting that music!”
“What music?” Antonio asked.
“I think a car went by earlier blasting some music a little while ago,” Manny replied.
“You’re ruining our neighborhood!” Helen said.
“Come on,” Manny said. “Sit down and relax for a bit. We’re just having some Coronas for now. We think the grill was broken during the move, so we just have it lit to make sure it’ll work.”
“You have any American beer?” Helen asked.
“I got this around the corner,” Manny said, holding his bottle in front of him. “So I bought it in America.”
“No thanks,” Helen said. “I don’t want to choke on the worm at the bottom.”
Manny and Antonio started laughing. “You’re all right, lady,” Antonio said.
“I’m insulting you, el idioto!” Helen said.
“I know,” Antonio said. “You’re funny as hell!”
“Yeah,” Manny agreed. “You’re cool for a cranky old lezbo!”
Helen gave them both a dirty look and turned to leave when the grill started shooting sparks from the propane tank. “Look out!” Manny yelled. He got between Helen and the grill, pushing her off the small deck and onto the grass. There was a small blast that shot a fireball up into the air. Antonio fell from right over the railing of the deck and onto the grass as well.
“You OK?” Manny asked, getting off of Helen and helping her up.
“You saved me,” Helen said, accepting Manny’s hand and allowing him to help her off the ground. “After all of the ball busting, you saved me from exploding.”
“I don’t think that little fireball was hurting anyone,” Antonio added.
“I’ll never forget this,” Helen said. “Never.”
“Cool,” Manny said. “Let me get you a chair and a drink. I think I have a tee shirt inside you can borrow since you got grass stains all over that one.”
“Thank you,” Helen said. She looked past Manny to Antonio, who was spraying the smoking grill with the hose. “What the hell happened to your grill?!”
“We’ll just let Manny and Antonio know that we can’t stay for their barbecue,” Rose said, crossing the street with Da’Quarius to go towards the Garcia brother’s house. “Then we’ll see if we can find Helen.”
“She’ll be OK,” Da’Quarius said. “She always pops up.”
“I’m still worried,” Rose replied, walking towards the back deck. “She didn’t even tell me where…”
Rose and Da’Quarius stopped dead when the got back there. Manny and Antonio were trying to get a fire going in an ancient charcoal grill, and Helen was sitting on a lounge chair, wearing a tee shirt with the Puerto Rican flag and drinking a Corona. One of the Garcia’s pitbulls was laying on the grass next to her chair, and Helen was absently rubbing his head.
“Pull up a chair!” Helen said, holding up her Corona. “You’re the first ones here. My two amigos here are going to cook up some pulled pork if they can get their coals hot.”