The Bulge: Big Zero Six
Welcome back to a long-awaited edition of The Bulge… OK, so nobody was really waiting for it, but I haven’t done one in a long while, so shut your trap and enjoy! You may have asked (but probably haven’t) what happened to Budgie’s pop culture blog colorfully called The Bulge that would appear weekly on the Pop Syndicate website. Well, boys and girls, I can tell you what. The brass at Pop Syndicate decided they needed to go in a new direction. Aside from posting recaps of The Walking Dead and Justified, advertisements for the site’s owner’s podcast, and….. Well that was it. The Bulge was pretty much carrying that site on its own, and it was the first thing cut. So sad.
Oh wait…. They also posted pop culture news from other websites as well. I don’t want to forget about that.
But I digress…
The reason I brought The Bulge back into the world was because I had a day off with my daughter and time to brutally murder. Our local theater is among the few still playing Big Hero 6, it’s based on a Marvel comic, and my five-year-old daughter actually wanted to see it. Seemed like a slam dunk for me.
I’ll warn you ahead of time… This post contains spoilers, but since Big Hero 6 has been in theaters for months and is on its last leg; you’re an idiot for even clicking on this. If you’re waiting to watch this movie in the comfort of your own home, then you’re an even bigger idiot for reading this. Fuck you.
So let’s get the pre-movie bullshit out of the way. Since this is a kids movie, the powers that be at huge corporate offices who own the theater chain thought it necessary to dump every piece of kid-friendly garbage down the audience’s throats before starting the movie. Disney has two new movies coming out… The first is another based on a ride (joy) called Tomorrowland. I’ll save you the price of a ticket: This movie looks fucking terrible. Between the George Bee-effing Clooney’s voiceover and some girl being transported to a wheat field with an Oz-looking city in the distance… Fuck. I lost my train of thought. I’ll Chris Benoit my family before taking them to see this. The other is a Pixar movie called Inside Out that is a rip off of the sitcom Herman’s Head. What the fuck, Pixar?! You used to be the only cool thing about Disney before they bought Marvel. Go make Toy Story fucking seven, you Play-Doh fuck factory.
Speaking of Marvel, this movie takes the characters and concept of the comic but little else. This doesn’t piss me off much, seeing as it’s a kid movie. They didn’t butcher it as bad as Sony butchered The Amazing Spider-Man 2 in his last big screen appearance anyway. Seriously. Electro’s main gripe with Spider-Man is that he forgot his birthday. Fuck you, Sony!
So here we go with my actually review of Big Hero 6….
“Predictable” is the only word to describe this. I picked out both the villain and the red herring almost instantly. It looks like Disney found a formula that worked, and they’re going to kill the fuck out of it. Yes, I know that turning Hans heel three-quarters of the way in shocked the audience of little girls in Frozen. They only seemed to turn him bad to fill time in a movie with very little actual content story-wise. Frozen should have been an episode of Sophia The First at most, not a whole snowman-fucking movie.
But I digress again….
Here’s what I knew of Big Hero 6 moments into the film. Our Hero, Hiro, is an orphan. Big shock, Disney. Another fucking orphan. The only thing Disney loves more than ripping off fairy tales is dead parents. I grew up on Disney movies, and now I know why I always wished my parents were dead. This orphan story is capped off with a dead older brother on top of the dead parents that are spoken of maybe twice.
Here’s what else I guessed from the beginning of the movie: Disney was going to try and make me cry. Sorry, Disney, you aren’t going to get the tears flowing if I see them coming. As soon as the heart-warming Baymax is on screen I could see the end formulating in my mind: “That mother fucker is going to sacrifice himself, but then be OK at the very end.”
And you did it, Disney! You fuckin put that fat, robotic bastard right in harms way to save Hiro and some chick in the last moments of the climax. At that point I said “I bet he gave Hiro the disk with his memories on it so he can live again”, and HE GAVE HIRO THE FUCKING DISK WITH HIS MEMORIES SO HE CAN LIVE AGAIN! Fuck you twice, Disney! Fuck you with Baymax’s rocket-fist!
OK… I know this is a kids movie, and kids movies are notoriously formulaic in nature; but do something original. Here’s a tip for Disney (I know they’ll read this because they read all loser’s blogs that mention them): Break the formula. You’re mother fucking Disney for fuck sake! I know your writers can’t come up with anything unless they add the formula to a story and characters they didn’t actually create, but you’re better than this. Yes, even you. Fire your writers and get some new ones (I’m available if you care to send me an application… My resume is Askharoth). Maybe have a villain that’s a villain and not a seemingly good guy that turns out to be a villain while the guy you think is the villain is just some jerk but ultimately innocent. The problem using the same twist over and over again is that it stops being a twist and starts to become yawn material.
Big Hero 6 was the first Marvel comic to be turned into an animated movie, and you fucked me, Disney. You fucked me hard and without lube. Good effort with this one, but you fuck-game is limp. All your ladies must be disappointed with you, and they’re probably fucking the Hispanic help while you churn out turn after turd after turd. Get your shit together! I’m putting Big Hero 6 in the same comic to movie category as Daredevil. FUCKING DAREDEVIL! Not that I’m comparing this to the comic book like I said I wouldn’t… I’m just talking about how poorly these two movies were written.
No… Don’t try and convince me otherwise, Diseny. Go to your room and think about what you’ve done.
That’s it. I’m going to furiously jack off and fall into a sleep like death.
P.S. Maleficent was pure shit.