“Da’Quarius!” Rose called across her Freedom Lane home in New Haven. “I need you!”
“‘Sup, bitty?” Da’Quarius said, entering Rose’s small office.
“I just logged onto the Facebook for a coupon, but the people on here are really mean!” Rose said.
“Wha’chu doin’ on dat thing?”Da’Quarius asked. An’ why you tryin’ to add all dese peeps as friends?”
“Because the site said I needed friends,” Rose said. “But all they do is insult my picture.”
“What picture did you use?” Da’Quarius asked.
“The only one on the computer,” Rose said. “It’s Helen and me dressed as Fred and Wilma Flintstone from a Halloween party.”
Rose brought the picture up that showed Helen in Fred’s orange and black toga and Rose dressed in Wilma’s outfit. “Damn,” Da’Quarius said, chuckling. “Cave bitties!”
“That’s much politer than the word they put after ‘cave’ on here,” Rose said. “I just hope Helen doesn’t see this.”
“See what?!” Helen exclaimed, barging into the cramped office. “What’s that? Our Flintstones outfits? How sweet. What’s that say under there? CAVE DYKES?!”
“Oh no,” Rose said, putting her face in her hand.
“Who said that?!” Helen screamed “I’ll kill ’em! They’re dead! DEAD!”
“Shit,” Da’Quarius said. “Cave bitty ’bout to club a mo’ fucker!”
Created, written, & directed by Budgerigar Orville Bigelow
Co-created by executive producer BluntSharpness
Season 3, Episode 1: Helen VS The Cyber Bully
Paulie read the same letter that he had already read for the third time when Da’Quarius entered Paulie’s Pizza on State ST, ready for to work for his uncle. “Yo, Unca Paulie,” he said. “‘Sup?”
“I got this letter,” Paulie said. “It’s from Lotasha.”
“My moms?” Da’Quaruis asked.
“That’s the only Lotasha I know,” Paulie said. “Says here that she had twin girls. Both of them are apparently mine.”
“What?!” Da’Quarius exclaimed. “After all dat warnin’ I gave you, you still nutted in dat bitch?!”
“Oh!” Paulie shouted. “That’s your muddah your talking about! Show a little respect for the woman who brought you into this world.”
“Ask him their names,” Tony said from the back room, laughing. “Go ahead and ask him!”
“What are their names?” Da’Quarius asked.
“That’s the problem,” Paulie said. “I can’t pronounce the first one. Here, look at this. What’s this symbol in front of it. It ain’t no letter I’ve ever seen.”
Da’Quarius took the letter from Paulie and looked it over. “That’s a hashtag,” he said. “Like from Twitter an’ shit.”
“So how would I pronounce the name?” Paulie asked.
“#Yesallwomen,” Da’Quarius replied.
“So those are my two little girls,” Paulie said. “#Yesallwomen and Ebola Sherman.”
“How dis happen?” Da’Quarius asked.
“I have no idea,” Paulie replied. “I told her I put on the condom, so there’s no reason she should think that I’m the father.”
“Wait up,” Da’Quarius said. “What’s dat other letter?”
“This?” Paulie said, picking up another piece of paper. “This is from the Maury Povich show. Lotasha wants me on to do a paternity test. Madon a Mia!” Paulie trailed off as he left the pizzeria, cursing in Italian.
“This is some fucked up shit,” Tony said.
“You’re tellin’ me,” Da’Quarius said. “My moms was here like four months ago!”
Da’Quarius’ bedroom door slowly opened. The floor creaked as a figure walked towards his bed. Da’Quarius turned towards the sound, his eyes adjusting to the dark. Two eyes stared into his. “Wake up, kid,” Helen whispered. “You need to help me.”
“What’s wrong?” Da’Quarius asked. “Rose OK?”
“Dammit, kid,” Helen said. “Every time I wake you up in the middle of the night you ask about Rose. You should know by know that I crushed some of my meds up in her tea. By now she’s floating past the damn moon. Now get up and show me how to find that punk that called us cave dykes.”
“Da fuck you talkin’ ’bout?” Da’Quarius asked, rubbing his eyes.
“From the computer,” Helen said. “Rose showed that kid the picture and he called her a dyke. I live by a code, kid. That little asshole is due for a whoopin’ for insulting my woman!”
“Shit,” Da’Quarius said. “Count my black ass in.”
“OK,” Da’Quarius said, pulling up Rose’s car to the curb. “Dis da house.” Helen had Da’Quaurius find the kid who made the comment and then look up his address. Da’Quaruis found the house within minutes, and had Helen there within the hour.
“Good job,” Helen said. “You stay here and keep the engine running. I’ll be back in few minutes. I don’t plan on this taking too long.”
“Sure thing,” Da’Quarius said as Helen left the car. The tried to angle himself to see as much of the action as possible.
Helen walked with her cane to the front door and rang the doorbell. After a minute, the door was opened by a teenage boy. “Hello?” he asked, confused.
“Are you Barry Swan?” Helen asked.
“Yeah,” the boy said. “What do you want?”
“I need to show you what a cave dyke can do, you little punk!” Helen said, lunging through the door.
“Wait,” Barry said. “Get off me!”
“Shutup and take your damn medicine!” Helen yelled, slapping Barry so hard that he hit the wall and fell to the floor.
“Damn,” Da’Quarius said. “Bitty gonna knock a tooth out.”
Rose walked back into her home with Helen in tow. “Really!” she said, dropping her purse on the chair by the door. “What he hell were you thinking?! You didn’t think he’d find out who you were?”
“I didn’t give him my name!” Helen spat.
“You gave him enough,” Rose said. “How many ‘cave dykes’ do you think he knows that would show up at his house and slap him around?”
“That kid had it coming!” Helen said. “He need a good whoopin’ if you ask me.”
“He’s fifteen!” Rose said.
“I’m in enough trouble,” Helen said. “I don’t need you laying it on worse than that damn Jewish judge.”
“You’re lucky the judge went easy on you because you’re an old lady and only gave you a weekend’s worth of community service,” Rose said.
“That’s because that brat’s parents know that I’m right,” Helen muttered, sitting down in her big chair.
“I’ll see if you can volunteer at the old folks’ home on Whitney AVE,” Rose said.
“No!” Helen said. “I’m not spending an entire weekend with those walking corpses.”
“There has to be something else you can do,” Rose said, thinking with her finger on her chin. “Wait! I know. I joined this group on the Facebook. I’ll see if we can volunteer next weekend. We can get your hours all out of the way!”
“Are you still on that cockamamy website?!” Helen said, shuffling after Rose.
“I’ll see if you can go down, make a speech, talk to the kids, or something like that,” Rose said. “I’m going to message them right now!”
“Wait…” Helen said. “You’re excited about this?!”
“Looks like you’re with me next weekend, kid,” Paulie said, hanging up his kitchen phone. He was watching Da’Quarius while Helen had her day in court. He begged and pleaded to go, but Rose won the argument in the end. “They gave Helen community service.”
“Shit,” Da’Quarius said. “Dey got dat bitty pickin’ up garbage out da street?”
“Rose sounded like she was working on it,” Pauile said. “Helen didn’t sound too happy.”
“I bet Helen would have loved to go back inside da joint,” Da’Quarius said. “Maybe dere’s a gang o’ bitties she still knows. They can have a prison bitty reunion!”
“That ain’t funny,” Paulie said. “But I have to figure out what to do with you, kid. I can’t have you hanging around the pizzeria all weekend long.”
“Why not?” Da’Quarius asked. “I can hang out on da roof and toss water balloons onto people with pizza from other places.”
“That’s why not,” Paulie said. He thought for a moment. “Hey, Kid. You ever been camping before?”
“Like sleeping in da woods and shit?” Da’Quarius asked. “Hell no. Dat’s white people shit. Ever see a horror movie? Black dudes always get killed in da woods.”
“You won’t get killed,” Paulie said. “This’ll be great! I’ll get a couple of tents and supplies.”
Da’Quarius crossed his arms and didn’t say anything. He knew that Paulie would not let go of the idea now that it was in his mind. It looked like he was going to be stuck in the woods with Paulie for the last weekend of the summer. Suddenly, the letters from his mother caught Da’Quarius’ eye. “Have you responded to my moms yet?” he asked.
“What?” Paulie said, stopping his babbling about what to get for their trip. “Oh. That.”
“You sho you ain’t campin’ just to get your mind off dis shit?” Da’Quarius asked. “You can just tell me so, you know.”
Paulie sighed. “You’re right, kid,” he said. “I need to get out of New Haven, if only for a weekend. I don’t know what I’m going to do about Lotasha, but I need to do something.”
“You know those kids ain’t yours,” Da’Quarius said. “I don’t even know how you didn’t catch that she was five months pregnant when she was here.”
“That’s not the point,” Paulie said. “She thinks they’re mine. If I was the last guy she was with, then I have a responsibility to those kids.”
“No you don’t,” Da’Quarius said. “You been doin’ drugs or sumtin?”
“You’ll understand when you’re older,” Paulie said.
Da’Quarius shrugged. “Probably not.”
“You signed me up for what?!” Helen shouted at the dinner table. Da’Quarius was happy he was finally getting to hear some details about Helen’s arrest and punishment. So far, Helen hadn’t ratted him out for his part, and he doubted that she would. Helen always said that snitches got stitches.
“It’s a local LGBT group for teens,” Rose said.
“What the hell is an LMNOP group?” Helen asked.
“Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender,” Da’Quarius said. “Even I know dat.”
“You mean I have to spend my weekend hanging out with a bunch of teenaged fruits?!” Helen exclaimed, nearly spilling her ginger ale.
“You’re gay!” Rose said, beginning to get frustrated. “It’ll probably be good for you to spend time with the community.”
“Community?” Helen said. “I’ll be spending all weekend with a bunch of kids who want to listen to Justin Beaver and cornhole each other raw! Why can’t I just pick up garbage in the park or go back to prison.”
“Dere a gang of bitties waitin’ for you to return?!” Da’Quarius said, excitedly.
“What the hell are you talking about?” Helen asked.
“She’s not going back to prison,” Rose said. “She just needs to spend one weekend at the LGBT center.”
“Wish I could go,” Da’Quarius said.
“Why?” Helen asked. “You starting to think about trading the burger in for a sausage?”
“Helen!” Rose exclaimed.
“Naw,” Da’Quarius said, laughing. “I just wanna see you embarrass those kids.”
“Nobody’s getting embarrassed, kid,” Helen said. Rose was ominously quiet after Helen’s comment.
“You ready?” Paulie asked, getting out of his Cadillac to help Da’Quarius with his one backpack.
“I got it,” Da’Quarius said. “Where we goin’ anyway? I need to let Rose and Helen know where to look for the bear shit after it eats me. I’m sure they’d like a memento.”
“There’s no bears,” Paulie said. “You watch too much damn TV. This trip’ll be good for you. You need to rough it a bit.”
“Rough it?” Da’Quarius asked. “Bitch, I’m from da ghetto. You don’t know shit about rough.”
“Just get your dreadlocked head in the damn car,” Paulie said. “God forbid you learn something. You’ll be a man when I get done with you.”
“What?” Da’Quarius asked. “Please tell me we sleepin’ in separate tents, Brokeback.”
“This is lovely!” Rose said, entering the LGBT center. There were tables and chairs set up everywhere. Kids were speaking in groups with grownups or playing games.
“Can you at least pretend I’m being punished?” Helen asked. “You Could have just dropped me at the curb.”
“This will be good,” Rose said. “Imagine all the life experiences we can share with all these young people.”
“I learned how to make strap-on dildos with various items you can come across in a prison yard,” Helen said. “You think they can use that information?”
“Oh stop,” Rose said, cheerily. “You know that’s not what I mean.”
“Yeah?” Helen said. “How about I tell them how hard it was scoring some puss before this blasted internet put every homo in touch with each other?”
“That’ll be good if you can word it differently,” Rose said.
“Fine,” Helen said. “I’ll say snatch instead of puss.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Rose said. She started to say something else to Helen, but they were interrupted when a cheery teenage girl walked towards them. She had dyed black hair and a ring in her nose. She wore a black tank top and torn jeans.
“You must be Helen and Rose,” she said. “I’m Jean. Jean Okerlund.”
“Like the wrestling guy?” Helen asked, looking past her towards two boys playing cards and laughing at a joke.
“No relation,” Jean said with a sour look that Helen didn’t see.
“Listen, Mean Jean,” Helen said, finally turning towards her. “I’m only here because the judge said I have to do community service. Point me wherever you want me and let me know when lunch is here.”
“You can go wherever you want,” Jean said, smiling. “Just sharing your life experiences with us is more than enough. Life as a homosexual or bisexual teen is tough, but you can show us all that there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel.”
Helen snorted, then walked towards the couch.
“Excuse my wife,” Rose said quietly. “I’m hoping you guys can help her while she helps you. She wasn’t exactly raised in a gay-friendly environment.”
“That’s not a problem,” Jean said. “We like to help each other out here. It doesn’t matter how Helen got here. What’s important is that she’s here now. Excuse me.” Jean touched Rose’s arm lightly before running off to help someone who was looking at the pamphlets by the front doors.
“What a good kid,” Rose said to herself before walking around the center.
“Little bitch best stay out of my honeypot,” Helen said, watching from the couch.
“The tents are all set,” Da’Quarius said. “Now what?”
“Now we build our fire,” Paulie said.
“Wha’chu talkin’ ’bout?!” Da’Quarius exclaimed. “The sun’s still out!”
“We need to get it all set up before the sun sets, you stunad!” Paulie said. “You want to be out there looking for wood in the dark?”
“You didn’t bring any wood?!”
“Look around you,” Paulie said, spreading his arms. “We’re in the forest! There’s nothing but wood up here.”
“Fine,” Da’Quarius said. “Where’s the chainsaw?”
“Chainsaw?” Paulie asked. “I got an axe we can use.”
“An axe?!” Da’Quarius said. “We gonna chop down dese trees? Da fuck is wrong wit’chu?!”
“Watch that mouth!” Paulie said. “I told you we’d be roughing it!”
“I didn’t think you were serious!” Da’Quarius said. “An’ I thought we was goin’ to a campsite. You sho we ain’t in someone’s yard or sumtin?”
“We’re fine where we are,” Paulie said. “My dad took me camping here all the time when I was your age.”
“But yo dad didn’t exactly like you much,” Da’Quarius added.
“Don’t you talk about my pa that way,” Paulie said. “Just grab that damn axe and follow me. There’s probably some logs laying about that we can split into firewood.”
“Sure,” Da’Quarius said. “I got yo axe right here.”
“I’m not looking,” Paulie said. “Are you grabbing your dick?”
“Sho am,” Da’Quarius said.
“Then put it down and get the axe,” Paulie said. “Then we can start on dinner.”
“Do we gotta kill dinner?” Da’Quarius asked.
“No,” Paulie said. “Got some fresh hotdogs and burgers to cook over the fire. Our dinner is already dead.”
“Good,” Da’Quarius said. “Anything out there we could eat is likely to eat us first.”
“That was a good day!” Rose said, leaving the LBGT center with Helen on her arm.
“What are these kids good for?” Helen said, more surly than usual. She spent the bulk of the day giving the kids in the center the stink eye from the couch.
“I really wish you’d interact more,” Rose said. “There’s so much we could teach them.”
“I’m sure you’ll be teaching more to that Jean,” Helen said.
“She’s a good kid,” Rose said. “Only sixteen and helping run this place with a couple of teachers from her high school. I wish they had a place like this when I was a kid.”
“If they had a place like this when I was a kid, I’d spray paint it pink,” Helen said.
Rose sighed. “Can you just talk to these kids tomorrow?” she asked. “It would really mean a lot to them.”
“Them?” Helen asked.
“And me,” Rose replied.
“Oh alright,” Helen said. “You know I can’t say no to you when you put on that sad hippy act.”
“You know… We have the house all to ourselves tonight,” Rose said.
“Don’t I know it,” Helen said. “I’ll show you some tricks these little lezzies won’t learn unless they end up in prison.”
“…and that’s how you get out of a B&E charge,” Paulie said, walking back over the ridge to the camp site. They each had an armful of wood after spending the afternoon cutting up large branches they found amongst the forest ground. “What the hell happened here?!”
Da’Quarius looked around the camp. “Shit,” he said. “Someone came by and trashed all of our stuff!” Their tents were torn to shreds and their coolers knocked over. Wrappers of food were strewn about. “We come all the way out here and still get robbed?!”
“This wasn’t no robbers,” Paulie said, dropping his pile of wood and looking around. “This was some animals.”
“You told me there weren’t any animals up here!” Da’Quarius said, dropping his own pile of wood.
“I said there weren’t any animals that would eat you,” Paulie said. “And I only said that to calm you down.”
“Let’s go,” Da’Quarius said. “I’ll settle for a hotel and a Big Mac at dis point.”
“I ain’t arguin’, kid,” Paulie said. “Where’s my pack?”
“What?” Da’Quarius said. “You left it against the tree near your car.”
Paulie looked over by the tree, but his pack wasn’t there. “Madon!” he exclaimed. “Those bastards took my bag with my keys and wallet in it!”
“You shittin, me?!” Da’Quarius exclaimed. “You left all that shit out?!”
“What was I supposed to do?” Paulie asked. “I got no need for that stuff in the woods.”
“Can we bash your window and hotwire your car?” Da’Quarius asked.
“Do you know how to hotwire a car?” Paulie asked.
“No,” replied Da’Quarius. “You been around longer. Thought you hotwired a car or two. We can smash the window and find out.”
“You ain’t smashing Betsy’s window!” Paulie shouted.
“Can we just go find a ranger or something?” Da’Quarius said. “It’s startin’ to get dark.”
“There’s no ranger,” Paulie said with a sigh. “Come on. Let’s start a fire. We’re really gonna be roughing it now.”
“Wha’chu mean there’s no ranger?!” Da’Quarius shouted. “You really took me out here wit nobody around?”
“My pa used to take me here!” Paulie said, starting to put the wood in the circle of rocks. “He wasn’t much for paying to sleep outside, you dig?”
Da’Quarius pulled his phone out of his pocket and turned it on. “I got no service out here either,” he said.
“Put that damn phone away and help me start a fire,” Pauile said. “It’s gonna get cold without our tents and sleeping bags.”
“Dis some bullshit,” Da’Quarius said, handing Paulie a log.
“You said you had it plenty rough in the ghetto,” Paulie said. “Don’t tell me you’re scared now.”
“I ain’t scared,” Da’Quarius said. “Just light the damn fire!”
An hour and a half later, Paulie and Da’Quarius sat by the fire, trying to keep warm. The raccoons left them precious little food, but Paulie found some tomatoes, onions, and lettuce that he had brought for burgers miraculously untouched in the tupperware container.
“I ain’t eatin’ dat!” Da’Quarius said. “I ain’t no rabbit.”
“Fine,” Paulie said, putting some lettuce and onion between to crudely sliced pieces of tomato. “Then I guess you’ll starve, because I didn’t pack the pizza oven.”
“Fuck it,” Da’Quarius said. “Gimme one of those tomato burgers.”
Paulie gave Da’Quarius one of the tomato burgers without an argument.
“What are we gonna do?” Da’Quarius said. “We gonna walk back to civilization?”
“I’m not leaving Betsy out here,” Paulie said.
“It’s cool,” Da’Quarius said. “We’ll take the plates off and push it off a cliff. We’ll tell da cops dat it was stolen or sumtin’.”
“I’m not killing her either,” Paulie said. “I have to find my pack and get my keys back.”
“Dere a lot of trees here,” Da’Quarius said. “How we gonna find the the coons dat took it?”
“I’ll find those mother fuckers,” Paulie said. “Then I’m going to kill them all and drive my Betsy outta here.”
“How you gonna find them?” Da’Qaurius asked.
“They came here to take our food once,” Paulie said. “They’ll be back. We’ll leave out whatever we have left and wait for them to come back. We’ll follow them until we find their home. Then we get my keys and get Betsy back.”
“Word,” Da’Quarius said. “Let’s do some raccoon genocide.”
Helen sat in the same seat she sat in the day before, starting her second day of community service. She made an agreement to talk to the kids more, and she was a woman of her word.
“So what’s your deal?” Helen asked the boy that sat next to her.
“My deal?” the boy asked.
“Yeah,” Helen replied. “What did you do to end up here?”
“Um,” the boy said, looking at Helen and trying to decide if she was joking or serious. “My parents made me come because I’m bisexual.”
“Good choice,” Helen said. “You can poke just about anyone you’d like in the chops.”
“Excuse me?” the boy asked.
“Helen seems to be enjoying herself,” Jean said to Rose as they watched Helen talk to the boy. “Andrew really took a liking to her.”
“Look at that,” Rose said. “She told me she was going to try and interact more today. I’m glad she’s really doing it.”
“We’re so happy to have you guys,” Jean said. “Would you mind coming in sometimes after Helen’s community service is up? We can always use some good advice from someone that is experienced.”
“We can try,” Rose said. “We have a son, but he spends time with his uncle on Saturdays…”
“You have a son?!” Jean said, pressing her hands to her chest. “That’s so awesome for you guys!”
“Thank you,” Rose said, beaming. “I think you’ll be seeing a lot more of Helen and I around here.”
“Going for the hole and the pole is the best decision for a guy,” Helen said, beginning to draw a small crowd. “What’s your name?”
“I’ll call you Andy,” Helen said. “It’s much less swishy.”
“What about women,” another girl asked. “Is it better for them to be bi or gay?”
“That all depends,” Helen said. “A good-looking woman should probably choose to be bisexual, but she can go full lezzie if the situation is right. The uglier ones have to be lesbos, though. It’s all in the genetics.”
“So you chose to be a lesbian because of your situation?” Andrews asked sarcastically.
“Exactly,” Helen said, missing the sass. “I didn’t choose to change my sexuality until I went to prison. It was either eat muff or eat concrete, dear.”
“Wait,” a girl said from behind Helen. “You went to prison.”
“Oh yeah,” Helen said, proudly. “Did eight years in Havenville.”
“How was it?” she asked.
“Not as bad as they say,” Helen said. “They’ll tell you to find the biggest bitch in the place and beat the piss out of her. Not true in my case. I found it much easier to just eat her…”
“What are you guys talking about?” Rose asked, walking towards the group.
“Life experiences,” Helen said.
“Great,” Rose said. “I was just talking to Jean, and she thinks it’s a good idea for us to come here more often to share.”
“Did she?” Helen asked, looking past Rose to Jean. She was scribbling something on a piece of paper on a table near the main entrance.
“I’m going to get a cup of tea,” Rose said. “Would you like one?”
“Yes,” Helen said, not taking her eyes from Jean. “That’ll be lovely, dear.”
“OK,” Rose said, smiling. “I’ll be right back.”
“Let me tell you another lesson I learned on the inside that you kids should take with you,” Helen said, watching Rose leave towards the center’s break area. “Your bitch is your property, and you must always keep a tight watch on your property.”
Da’Quarius and Paulie followed the four raccoons that had retuned close to dawn. The raccoons took their time eating the small meal of tomatoes and onions that Paulie had left in the open tupperware container and didn’t start heading away until the sun was just about up. It took most of the morning, but they found the raccoons lair. It was a small cave between a couple of boulders.
“Got the fuckers now,” Paulie said, picking up his sharpened stick. He had carved one for himself and and one Da’Quarius with his pocket knife as they waited all night for them to return. “I bet they got my pack in that cave.”
“You sure dese the same coons?” Da’Quarius asked. “It’d be a shame to come all the way here for nuttin’.”
“It has to be them,” Paulie said. “Because I’m not abandoning Betsy or ripping her apart to try and hotwire her.”
“OK,” Da’Quarius said. “What’s da plan?”
“We’ll try to scare them off first,” Paulie said. “Maybe they’ll leave without much of a fight. If not, we’ll have to fight them off.”
“Dis is startin’ to sound like a really bad idea,” Da’Quarius said.
“I’m going with or without you, kid,” Paulie said.
“I’m going,” Da’Quarius said. “Just make me one promise.”
“What’s that?” Paulie asked.
“If we get da keys back and make it home with no fuss, you to settle dis shit wit my moms and get her outta yo life,” Da’Quarius said. “If you can man up to go on a raccoon killing spree, then you can man up and get yo shit tested on Maury.”
Paulie looked at Da’Quarius and sighed. “Alright, kid,” Paulie said. “Whatever you want.”
“Cool,” Da’Quarius said. “You ready to fuck some coons up?”
“Always,” Paulie said.
The two emerged from the bushes side by side and approached the two boulders. The raccoons looked up, sniffed the air, and decided whether to run or hold their ground. They choose the latter. They hissed and bared their fangs at the two approaching humans, but they did not falter. The first wave of three raccoons attacked, but they were met with swift spears from the pair, and were cut. One was killed, and the others ran off in the opposite direction.
The remaining raccoons emerged from the cave. There were six altogether, and they rushed Paulie and Da’Quarius at once. The battle was quick yet fierce and extremely bloody. Da’Quarius booted one Raccoon in the face while ramming his spear into the throat of another. Paulie had one scratching and biting at his leg and put his spear thought its head.
A raccoon got on Da’Quarius’ back, and he began to panic. There was a loud bang as the raccoon was flung from his back and onto the ground. There was a large hole in his chest. Any raccoons left scurried off into the brush.
“I forgot I brought Nancy with me!” Paulie exclaimed, putting the gun back in the back of his pants.
“You name all of your shit after girls?” Da’Quarius asked.
“Not everything,” Paulie said. “I call my dick Frank.”
“You a sick mo’ fucker,” Da’Quarius said, the raccoon blood starting to pour down his face.
Paulie walked over to the raccoon cave, reached inside, and pulled out his torn up pack. He opened the front pouch and took out his phone, wallet, and car keys. “I got ’em,” he said.
“I have a live one,” Da’Quarius said, standing over the raccoon he had kicked in the head. It was beginning to stir back into consciousness.
“We leave no witnesses,” Paulie said, taking his 9mm back from the back of his pants. He walked next to Da’Quarius, aimed Nancy at the raccoons head, and pulled the trigger.
“Let’s go,” Da’Quarius said.
Paulie nodded and started walking back towards their campsite. “We will never speak of this again,” Paulie said. “Come on. Rabies shots are on me.”
The day came to an uneventful end for Helen and Rose. Helen regaled the teens with stories of prison and her life afterwards. Rose watched proudly from afar as the kids hung on her every word. It had been a hard start, but Helen was actually doing some good with her community service.
“…and that’s how you sneak out off the mess hall for a little ‘box lunch’,” Helen said. She saw Rose getting her community service papers signed from the corner of her eye and knew that it was time to go. Jean was coming towards Rose, and Helen had had enough of it.
“I have to go now,” Helen told the group of teens. She was shocked when they moaned in disappointment. “If you want to learn more about prison life, knock over a liquor store and do a few years yourselves. It’s a great life experience.”
“Helen!” Rose said, watching the teens walk from away from Helen. “You had a good crowd going there.”
“What can I say?” Helen asked, rhetorically. “I have a gift.”
“I wonder where Jean went,” Rose said, looking around. “She said she wanted to see me before left.”
“Oh,” Helen said, putting her hand to her side.
“Are you OK?” Rose asked.
“It’s my hip,” Helen said. “It’s really sore from sitting here all day. Would you mind pulling up the car. I’ll have Andy walk me out.”
“Alright,” Rose said, kissing Helen on the cheek. “I’ll pull it right up.”
“Thank you, dear,” Helen said. “Yo, Andy! Get over here and help an old lady to her car!”
Andy came over and nervously held Helen’s arm as she walked towards the front door. Once Rose was out of sight, she pushed him off. “Get out of here,” Helen said. “Don’t forget what I told you.”
“About poking whoever I want in the chops?” Andrew asked.
“Yeah,” Helen said. “Get poking.”
“Hi, Helen,” Jean said, coming up on Helen’s other side. “I hope you had a good time over the last two days.”
“It was glorious,” Helen said. “I can see why you people don’t spend your time relaxing at home.”
“Some of our homes aren’t as fun,” Jean said. “My own parents don’t approve of…”
“Yeah yeah,” Helen said. “My wife will be here any minute. I should get outside so she sees me.”
“Oh,” Jean said. “Can you give her this? She said she’d keep in touch.” Jean handed Helen a folded up piece of paper.
“I’ll make sure she gets it, honey,” Helen said.
“Thank you,” Jean said, turning away to see to some other center business. As soon as her back was turned, Helen shoved the paper in her mouth and began chewing furiously. She spit the wadded up paper into the bushes as she walked towards Rose’s car. “You’re not coming anywhere near my woman,” she mumbled.
“Where’s Andy?” Rose asked, opening the door for Helen.
“My hip feels better now,” Helen said. “Let’s go home.”
“Too bad I couldn’t’ see Jean before we left,” Rose said. “She wanted some advice about how to deal with her parents.”
“I saw her when I left,” Helen said. “She said goodbye.”
“Oh well,” Rose said. “I can still find her on the Facebook if Da’Quarius helps me use it.”
Helen grunted as Rose pulled away from the curb. She’d have to have a talk with Da’Quarius about that damn computer as well.
“We’re back with Lotasha Sherman,” Maury Povich said. “She says that Paulie is the father of her twin daughters, #Yesallwomen and Ebola. Paulie says the kids aren’t his, and Lotasha has demanded he take a paternity test.”
The audience went wild booing Paulie as he sat in his chair, keeping his composure. He saw Da’Quarius in the audience, keeping his own silence in support. Maury had voiced his frustrations over Paulie’s non-confrontative attitude throughout the show. Luckily for Maury, Lotasha was more than happy to pick up the slack.
“I have the results of the test right here,” Maury said holding the envelope. “Do you want to say anything before I open it, Lotasha?”
“Yah,” Lotasha said, getting up from her chair. Her afro bounced on the top of her head. Her mouth was open in a sneer, showing the large gap in her front teeth, “Dese kids need dey daddy! Mutha fucka best support his damn family!” The crowd started cheering wildly.
“I didn’t know these kids existed!” Paulie shouted. The crowds cheers turned to boos, and Paulie took up his silence once more. The monitor showed the two girls, dressed in pink dresses, sitting in a playpen looking around behind the studio.
“Now the results,” Maury said opening the envelope. “Paulie, you are not the father.”
The audience cheered and booed. Paulie kept his composure and only nodded once, showing that he understood. When they saw they weren’t getting a reaction out of Paulie, the audience quieted down.
Maury waited for a few seconds, waiting for Paulie to react as well before moving on. “How does that make you feel, Lotasha.”
“It’s OK,” Lotasha said, leaning back on the chair and crossing her legs. “It was either him or this Chinese nigga down at da laundromat. I’ll give you his numba and we can get his ass up in here next.”
“Actually,” Maury said, pulling another envelope from inside his sports jacket. He opened it promptly, and held up it. “We had you tested as well, Lotasha. In a bizarre twist, you are not the mother.”
Lotasha got up from her chair and started yelling at the crowd. “WHAT?!” she shouted as the audience booed and shouted. “YOU DON’T KNOW ME! YOU DON’T KNOW HOW LOTASHA SHERMAN ROLLS, MUTHA FUCKAS!” WHA’CHU GONNA DO NOW, BITCHES?!”
This scene went on as Paulie remained calm. He looked at the monitor at the two baby girls who had no idea what was going on just a hundred feet away from them. “Whose babies are those?” he said quietly, a tear trying to force its way out.