Wal-Mart Finally Killed Thanksgiving

Before you argue with me that Wal-Mart wasn’t the only retailer that brutally raped and murdered the holiday formally known as Thanksgiving; you can’t argue the fact that they are the ring leader of this unholy crusade against families and holiday cheer. Black Friday is what stores called the day after Thanksgiving as an inside joke amongst themselves when this whole thing started. It’s when the profits of their stores go into the black, making the business profitable as fuck. Once the general public heard this and put a name to the most unholy day of the year, Hell literally broke out.

This article is not a joke.

Retailers everywhere began to attempt to out-sale each other. Doors started opening earlier and earlier. Early ads were coveted as water in the driest of African desserts. Thanksgiving meals were hastily choked down so the next day’s shopping plans could commence on the big dining room table, the plates and glasses replaced with ad after ad after ad. The holiday of Thanksgiving bled out in the basement, stabbed in the gut by Wal-Mart and its hyena competitors.

I was there. I worked for Wal-Mart, and I witnessed firsthand the horror that is called Black Friday. I spoke with a coworker before the doors were to be opened, eager to finish out shift and escape the already full parking lot. The doors were not supposed to open until six, but the manager made a decision to open them early because the people outside had already begun to riot. The very floors shook as thousands of feet stomped through the store, looking for the items that Wal-Mart had advertised in their thick flyer. Stock on these items was dangerously low, so the shoving and fighting was severe. Many men and women went down to the floor to be left behind by their friends and family. These deals were just too good to show mercy to a loved one. This was the year someone died in a Connecticut Wal-Mart, stomped to death like a raccoon at an elephant orgy. Luckily, I did not work for this particular Wal-Mart, but it could have been any store.

All Thanksgiving needed was a mercy killing, and it finally received it in the Year of The Lord 2014.

Shoppers looked at their computers in glee as the Black Friday ads were posted, to find that the sales began even earlier this year. Instead of opening at 6 AM, 3 AM, or even Midnight on the Friday following Thanksgiving, they found out that Wal-Mart and other retailers would be open all day. ALL FUCKING THANKSGIVING DAY! Not only would they find Black Friday deals, but Wal-Mart would stagger its sales throughout this multi-day extravaganza of sin, and all the tag-along stores all followed suit. It literally paid not to go home.

“But Budgie, the stores needed to stay open for two days straight stagger the sales in order to keep people from trampling each other to death when the doors opened.”

Bullshit! Wal-Mart and its balls don’t give a fuck about people being trampled to death, shot over parking spaces, or maced by off duty cops. They only give a fuck about the bad publicity it stirs up. Every year, the horror stories surrounding Black Friday get worse, but the sales still rise. It’s insane to me that people still worship this false idol for a five dollar Monopoly or a seventeen dollar video game.

This Thanksgiving, mothers will toss half-cooked turkeys onto dining room tables, grab their coats, and get in their cars to get insanely cheap chinese-made items at lower than usual prices. Kids will cry themselves to sleep, wondering where mommy and daddy are as they watch the parade by themselves. Fathers will duct tape electric-knife inflicted wounds shut, trying to rush through the carving in order to get a seventy-five inch television for less than a thousand dollars. It’s more television than any man needs and made so cheaply it’ll probably break right after the warranty runs out, but fuck it. It’s Black Friday, and it’s cheap as fuck, bitch!

I would use the opportunity to plead for the end of Black Friday and all of this evil, but I know it shall fall on deaf ears. It is much too late to stop all the evil, and there is no stopping the avalanche that is Black Friday. Our souls are forever lost to the abyss. The dark and bottomless abyss of low, low prices. A single tear rolls down my cheek as I already mourn those who will lose their lives on this coming Black Friday. Their families will sleep soundly knowing they died for a good cause, but I shall know otherwise. Anyone who reads this and heeds my words will know otherwise. If I can stop one person from shopping this Black Friday, then I, too, may finally sleep soundly.

So goodbye forever, Thanksgiving. I hope you had a good life and a merciful death. You’ve been a staple in homes across America for centuries, but the urge to shop was just too much for the people of this once great country to fight off. Next year, we’ll celebrate Black Friday from Wednesday until Sunday, building up credit card debt in honor of our new black-winged god: Wal-Mart. All hail Wal-Mart, keeper of our souls and everyday low prices!

Watch your back, Christmas. You’re next, mother fucker.


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