Beans Rescues Casey’s Soul from Groundhog Hell
Aaron Rescues Casey’s Soul from Groundhog Hell
The Exciting Conclusion to the Casey & Beans Trilogy
The Following is a work of “Fiction”:
“Are they gone?” Mrs. Sullivan asked.
“Their home is gone,” Aaron said. “If any of the soulless bastards lived, then they’ll move on. They’ll show up on our radar, and then we’ll have them.”
“What about the hole in my backyard?” Mrs. Sullivan asked.
“Not my problem,” Aaron said, continuing to survey the damage. He had his gun out with the safety off to blast any brown, furry bastard that decided to so much as twitch a leg. He came across a corpse that was still smoldering and knelt next to it when he realized he reckoginzed this one.
“Casey?” Aaron asked. “My God. What were you doing in this hole?” Aaron remember the last time he saw Casey. She had left because he couldn’t make love to her in her new groundhog body without becoming physically ill suppressing his murderous, genocidal rage.
“I did this,” Aaron whispered over Casey’s smoldering groundhog corpse. “I drove you away to your death, and I’ll make this right. As Human God as my witness, I will rescue you from the pits of Groundhog Hell.”
Casey found herself in a strange and mysterious place. The sky was gray and the air was thick with fog. She realized that the pain of her burning groundhog body was gone. “Hello?” she asked the empty fog. “Where am I?”
Something stirred in the fog, and she turned to see what it was. She squinted her eyes to see. “OH MY ALLAH!”
The flap to Lady Shababa’s hut opened, and Aaron walked inside. There was a resolute look on his face he reserved for the most serious of dealings and fucking. Today, he was only concerned with the former. The latter would come later.
“I knew that you would come to me, child,” Lady Shababa said, her african accent thick.
“Spare me the act you give the rubes,” Aaron said. “I know you’d prefer to be seen as some phony psychic by most, but I know what you deal in, Shababa.”
“Lady Shababa,” Lady Shababa corrected. “What could a man like you be doing coming to one so learned in the long lost art of Groundhog Voodoo?”
“I need a soul,” Aaron said.
“Souls are easy,” Lady Shababa said. “Have you tried prayer?”
“I already told you to spare me, you Aunt Jemima reject,” Aaron said. “A soul passed to the other side. It was a human soul that was trapped in a groundhog body, and I want it back. I don’t care if she remains a groundhog. I just want my Casey back.”
“The soul you seek is still human, even though it was trapped in a groundhog body,” Lady Shababa said. “Souls do not change form even if the body does. You shall bring her back in human form from the Groundhog Underworld.”
“Her soul is human?” Aaron asked. “Wouldn’t that mean she went to the regular underworld?”
“No,” Lady Shababa said. “Since she died as a groundhog, then her human soul shall descend into the Groundhog Underworld. It is there that you will find her.”
“None of that makes any sense,” Aaron said.
“It makes perfect sense!” Lady Shababa said. “Just don’t try and think about it too much. Are you prepared to venture into the realm of Groundhog Hell?”
“I am,” Aaron said.
“You bring me such a large request, Beans,” Lady Shababa said. “But not impossible. Come back to me on the eve of the new moon. You will need to request passage from the Groundhog Reaper.”
“Fuck him!” Aaron exclaimed. “I’ll do it. What do I need to do?”
“I need a tribute,” Lady Shababa said. “But first, you need to know the rules of taking a soul back from the other side.”
Lady Shababa explained what was required as the moon climbed high into the night to light the sacrificial rite.
There was no moon in the sky. Aaron had weighed what Lady Shababa had told him in the weeks before returning to her. He passed the time by taking various pictures of his shaved testicles and thinking of his long, lost Casey.
Who knew what tortures she was suffering in the pits of Groundhog Hell? Surely, they would be peeling off her skin and using it as cum rags as they jacked off to cub porn before sewing rancid groundhog fur back onto her bloody body. Aaron didn’t want to think about these horrors as he snapped a quick picture of his testicles to tweet to Syncophant in the driveway of Lady Shababa’s hut.
“I have returned,” Aaron said.
“Very well,” Lady Shababa said. “Are you ready to pay the price?”
“I am,” Aaron said. “I shaved my taint and asshole.”
“I didn’t ask you to do that!” Lady Shababa exclaimed. “What of your tribute?”
“I have brought you my tribute, as per your request,” Aaron said
“I shall take your tribute,” Lady Shababa said.
Aaron dumped a garbage bag full of the bones of ten groundhogs onto the table that stood between himself and Lady Shababa.
“I only needed a single bone or a tooth!” Lady Shababa said.
“I don’t half-ass things when it comes to groundhogs, Voodoo, or Groundhog Voodoo,” Aaron said.
Lady Shababa took a small finger bone, and placed it gently into a pewter cauldron where she began to grind it with a pestle along with some acrid herbs. “Have you given thought to the price you must pay for this service?” She asked, grinding the bone and herbs.
“I have,” Aaron said. “As I have already told you, my resolve is set. I do not go back on my word.”
“Very well,” Lady Shababa said. “Drink this.” She poured the herb and crushed groundhog bone into a goblet of potion and handed it to Aaron.
“What the fuck is this stuff?” Aaron asked, looking at the bits floating to the top of the liquid. “Groundhog barf stew?”
“Drink it,” Lady Shababa said, getting annoyed with the exchange. “Drink it and relax.”
Aaron did as he was told. He thought the concoction tasted like groundhog barf stew, but he didn’t want to upset Lady Shababa any further. Casey’s very soul was in her hands. Once the drink was gone, he sat back in the hard, wooden chair across from Lady Shababa.
“Close your eyes,” Lady Shababa said. Aaron could smell the burning incense and heard some chimes. His head began to grow hazy as he drifted off. “Clear you mind,” Lady Shababa continued. “Feel your soul lift from your body. Feel the ground leave the bottom of your feet. Feel this realm fade away. You have one hour to find Casey’s soul and bring it back into this world. Good luck.”
This is bullshit, Aaron thought. He opened his eyes to kick over Lady Shababa’s table and call her a charlatan and a few racial slurs, but when he opened them he realized that he was no longer in Lady Shababa’s hut. He was in a fog-filled forest. The smell of dirt and moss filled his nose.
“Who dares tread in the realm of The Reaper?” a voice whistled and clicked. Aaron looked down to see a groundhog skeleton in a back robe. “State your name, human.”
“I am Aaron,” Aaron said. “But I am also known as Beans.”
“The human called Beans,” The Groundhog Reaper mused in two clicks and a long whistle. “You have kept me very busy as of late.”
“I’m just doing my job,” Aaron said defensively.
“It matters not,” The Groundhog Reaper said. “For all groundhogs must take that final path. I am merely he -” Aaron couldn’t understand the end of the Groundhog Reaper’s whistled and clicked statement.
“I seek entrance to Groundhog Hell,” Aaron said.
“What is your purpose in the realm of the damned?” The Groundhog Reaper clicked and whistled.
“I wish to bring back a human soul that has descended into Groundhog Hell,” Aaron said.
“A human’s soul bears as much weight as a groundhog’s soul in this realm,” The Groundhog Reaper clicked and whistled. “Do you understand the price that must be paid for taking a soul from this place?”
“I’ve been told the price,” Aaron said. “And I have already accepted it. Will you grant me access?”
“I shall,” The Groundhog Reaper clicked and whistled, knocking the shaft of his sickle to the ground. A plunge-hole formed near the roots of the nearest tree. Aaron could feel the heat of Groundhog Hell coming from the hold. Aaron took a deep breath, and climbed down the plunge-hole into Groundhog Hell.
Aaron walked up to the edge of a cliff, looking down at Groundhog Hell. The ground was hardened gravel, and the souls of groundhogs scurried from their tormentors looking for plunge-holes that moved when they got near. They were whipped and beaten by groundhog demons as they suffered for all eternity for their sins.
“Oh dear Groundhog God!” one particular fat groundhog soul shouted in ear-splitting clicks and whistles, spotting Aaron on the cliff’s edge. “IT’S BEANS!”
The screams of the groundhog souls began anew as they all turned to see Aaron standing and watching. The demons began to clap and cheer as Aaron’s penis grew rock hard under his pants. “Fuck yeah!” Aaron shouted. “Hell just got a lot worse, you fat bitches!”
The screams of anguish grew stronger as Aaron thought about all of the ways he could torture and maim all of the immortal souls of the dead groundhogs that occupied Groundhog Hell when there was a flash of flame and smoke to his left.
“You sure know how to get them riled up,” a voice said in English rather than the disgusting clicks and whistle of the groundhog language. Aaron turned suddenly to see a black-furred groundhog with two horns on his head.
“Groundhog Satan?!” Aaron exclaimed. “You better start running, mother fucker!”
“You have the wrong idea!” Groundhog Satan said. “I love your work, Beans! Nobody sends more evil souls to hell than you! I’ve jacked off to your work more times than I could count.”
“I’m flattered,” Aaron said. “But I’m here for a soul. A soul of a human that came into your realm.”
“Ah yes,” Groundhog Satan said. “I know of the one of which you speak. She is not here, though.”
“You are father of all groundhog lies!” spat Aaron.
“Hear me out before you disembowel me!” Groundhog Satan said, backing up a step. “It’s true that soul you seek would have descended into Human Hell, but not Groundhog Hell.”
“You have five seconds to start making sense,” Aaron said, his erection beginning to throb with anger.
“I watched as she was judged by Groundhog Saint Peter,” Groundhog Satan said. “Casey was a horrible human, but she was pretty decent for a groundhog. Therefore, she did not pass through my realm.”
“Oh dear lord,” gasped Aaron. “That means she’s in…”
“Groundhog Heaven,” Groundhog Satan said. “I’m afraid it’s so.”
“Shit,” Aaron said, turning. “I have to find her. I don’t have much time left.”
“Wait,” Groundhog Satan said. “Take this gift from me for all the lovely despair and death you bring.”
“What is it,” Aaron said, extending his hand to take the small package from Groundhog Satan.
“Open it when the time is right,” Groundhog Satan said. “You’ll know when that is.”
“OK,” Aaron said. “But I must be off to Groundhog Heaven.”
“I wish you luck, my friend,” Groundhog Satan said. “I love you.”
Aaron crawled back out of the plunge-hole that led him to Groundhog Hell. The Groundhog Reaper was sitting upon a flat rock, waiting for his return. “I hope your trek to Groundhog Hell was pleasant,” The Groundhog Reaper clicked and whistled.
“Shut the fuck up,” Aaron said. “My time grows short. Open the way to Groundhog Heaven.”
“This I cannot do,” clicked and whistled The Groundhog Reaper. “I can only permit access to another realm only once, for I am merely he -”
Aaron grabbed the Groundhog Reaper’s robe and yanked it from his body. The Groundhog Reaper stood in his skeletal form. His boney hands darted to his pelvis. “Hey!” he loudly whistled. “I’m naked over here! Give me my robe back!”
“Please,” Aaron said. “You don’t even have a dick.” He hung the robes from the branch of a tree.
“Come on, dude!” The Groundhog Reaper clicked and whistled. “You know groundhogs can’t climb trees! My supervisor is going to kill me if I lose my robe!”
“Then you better open the way before I lose my patience,” Aaron said.
“Fine,” The Groundhog Reaper whistled, picking up his sickle. He slammed the shaft on the ground once, and another plunge-hole appeared. He could hear the sickening sound of groundhogs singing coming from the other side of it.
“Keep in mind,” The Groundhog Reaper continued. “I do not control time, no matter how much of a dick you are. Your time here grows short.”
“Then it’s time to get to Groundhog Heaven and kick some fucking ass,” Aaron said, squeezing into the plunge-hole. “I’ll get your robe down when I get back.”
The Groundhog Reaper watched Aaron’s rump go down the hole to Groundhog Heaven. “Asshole,” he clicked.
Aaron exited from the other side of the plunge-hole to behold the glory of Groundhog Heaven. Lush, green hills spread out under a sunny sky. Patches of dandelions and clovers covered most of the ground. Groundhogs frolicked in the dewy grass, laughing and playing without a predator in sight. The scene made Aaron sick to his stomach.
Aaron walked to the nearest groundhog, who was laying in the grass, eating some clover as he napped. “Wake up, ugly,” he said, kicking the groundhog in the ribs with his steel-toed boot. “I need to find Casey.”
“OW!” the groundhog whistled. “What’s your problem?! This is Groundhog Heaven!”
“Not any more!” Aaron said, booting the groundhog as hard as he could. The groundhog sailed into a nearby river, where he sunk like a stone. Aaron looked around and picked another up by it’s hind legs. “Do you know where Casey is?”
“No!” the groundhog clicked. “I don’t know who that is! I’ve been lazing under this tree since 1965!”
“Useless ball of furry scum!” snapped Aaron. He shoved the groundhog into a hole by the base of the tree, and shoved him inside with the heel of his boot. “Who’s next?!”
“Please stop this madness,” a voice that seemed to be floating said. Aaron turned to see a large sliver of light come down from the crystal blue sky. A groundhog floated down and landed softly on the grass. He wore a white robe and had a long, white beard. Aaron didn’t need to guess at who this was.
“I’m looking for Casey,” Aaron said. “Give her to me now.”
“One does not come into Groundhog Heaven and cause such a ruckus,” Groundhog God said. “You will find that -”
Aaron kicked Groundhog God in the stomach, picked up him by his beard, and smacked him into the bark of the nearby tree. He let Groundhog God fall to the ground. “Where’s Casey, ass-fuck” Aaron snarled.
“Dude!” Groundhog God said. “Uncool! Was that really necessary?! Casey’s right over there by the dandelion meadow. Fuck sake.”
Aaron left Groundhog God in a heap near the roots of the tree and walked in the direction of Casey. He found her sitting by the bank of the river, nude. She had a sexy foot dipped into the water. “Casey,” Aaron said, seductively. He knelt by her and looked into her eyes as if he never saw her before.
“Beans,” Casey said. “You found me. I can’t believe you found me.”
“I have come to take you from this horrid place,” Aaron said. “I can take you home. Back to the world of the living.”
“But this is Heaven,” Casey said.
“It’s Groundhog Heaven,” Aaron said. “Do you really want to hang out with a bunch of disgusting overgrown rats who eat fucking dandelions for all of eternity?”
Casey looked around. “No,” she said. “I want to suck your dick and go home.”
“We don’t have much time before the way back to Earth closes,” Aaron said. “So you better start sucking.”
Aaron led Casey back out of the plunge-hole and into the realm of the Groundhog Reaper. He was currently trying to get his robes down from the branch where Aaron left them. “You must go,” The Groundhog Reaper clicked and whistled to Aaron and Casey. “The way is almost closed.”
“You have to leave,” Aaron said. “This is your one chance.”
“Wait,” Casey said. “Aren’t you coming with me?”
“I can’t,” Aaron replied. “It’s the price to bring a soul back from the other side. I had to trade my soul for yours. You can go back, but I must stay.”
“Aaron,” Casey moaned. “I can’t leave you.”
“You must,” The Groundhog Reaper clicked. “You have no time to spare. Also, can one of you get my robe? I’m starting to get chilly down here.”
“Go,” Aaron said, bravely sexy. “All of my affairs are in order. I gave Kit the password to my twitter account. You have a whole life to lead now. Go home and be happy.”
“I will,” Casey said. “I’ll never forget you or your majestic cock, Aaron.”
“I know,” Aaron said. “Good bye forever.”
“Goodbye forever,” Casey repeated. She turned to leave.
“Casey!” Aaron shouted.
Casey turned. The foggy limbo was beginning to leave her perception. “Yes, my love?”
“Don’t ever suck anyone else’s cock!”
“So Beans got left behind,” Gremnoch, Groundhog Satan’s right hand groundhog demon said, watching Beans leave the plunge-hole from Groundhog Heaven through Groundhog Satan’s enchanted mirror. “I did not see that coming.”
“But I did,” Groundhog Satan said. “All is going according to plan.”
“Plan?” Gremnoch asked. “What plan?”
“There is something Beans did not question,” Groundhog Satan said. “How was he able to transcend into the Groundhog Underworld if he was born a human?”
“I know not,” Gremnoch said. “I thought it was along the same logic of Casey’s human soul going to Groundhog Heaven, and I decided it best not to question the logic.”
“No,” Groundhog Satan said, his smile widening. “There was a prophecy told some time ago. The prophecy stated that a groundhog demon would leave Groundhog Hell to be reborn on earth in a human body. This demi-groundhog / human hybrid would impregnate a human woman. That woman’s child would bring great death and despair. This child would also grow to transcend the Groundhog Underworld and bring a one-man war to Groundhog Heaven that will leave them in ashes.”
“Holy Allah!” Gremnoch exclaimed. “So Beans…”
“Is that child,” Groundhog Satan finished, looking into the mirror that showed Aaron parting ways with his beloved Casey. “And now he’s trapped in Groundhog Limbo. However shall he pass the time?”
Groundhog Satan and Gremnoch laughed maniacally before sodomizing each other in a boiling magma jacuzzi.
Casey braced herself on Lady Shababa’s table as she entered the realm of the living. She nearly fell to the floor, but Lady Shababa caught her by the shoulders. She then draped a blanket over her. “I see Beans was successful,” Lady Shababa said. “You have returned to the land of the living.”
Casey looked at Aaron’s body in the chair. He was slumped over and dead. “Oh Aaron,” she said.
“He knew the price,” Lady Shababa said. “And still went after you. Take solace in Aaron’s sacrifice. One could only do something like that for a powerful love.”
The tears flowed freely from Casey’s eyes. “He was everything to me,” she said. “My heart. My love. My jackhammer-like fuck machine.”
Lady Shababa cleared her throat. Casey turned to look into her serious eyes. “There is a matter of my bill,” she said. “You owe me ten thousand dollars for services rendered plus a seven dollar corpse disposal fee. Beans’ check bounced.”
“You stupid fucktard,” Casey said, kicking over Beans’ chair.
Aaron watched the portal to the real world close. He had an eternity in limbo to look forward to. “Hey, Groundhog Reaper,” Aaron said. “What’s there to do for fun around here?”
“There is nothing,” The Groundhog Reaper said. “This is limbo. You should have brought a gameboy or something, idiot.”
“I wish I had something,” Aaron said. Then a realization overtook him. He reached in his pocket and pulled out the present he received from Groundhog Satan. “I do have something!”
“Where did you get that?” The Groundhog Reaper asked.
Ignoring The Groundhog Reaper, Aaron opened the box. An aluminum baseball bat (which should have been too big for the small box) was inside. Aaron pulled it out. It glowed as flames wrapped around it. “The legendary flaming bat,” Aaron said. “Holy mother fuck! It’s real!”
The Groundhog Reaper looked at Aaron in horror, unable to speak.
“Open the way to Groundhog Heaven,” Aaron said, turning towards The Groundhog Reaper.
The Groundhog Reaper only stared at the flaming bat in horror.
“OPEN THE WAY TO GROUNDHOG HEAVEN RIGHT FUCKING NOW!” Aaron demanded, his booming voice echoing across Groundhog Limbo. “OR I’LL RAPE YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY WITH THIS FUCKING BAT!”
Terrified, The Groundhog Reaper slammed the shaft of his sickle on the ground. The plunge-hole to Groundhog Heaven once again opened up. Aaron dove in.
Aaron popped out in Groundhog Heaven. He found the a groundhog with his fat cheeks stuffed with dandelions. He picked up the groundhog, tossed him in the air, and hit him with the bat as hard as he could. He ejaculated in his pants as he watched the groundhog’s smoking body disappear over the horizon. “Fuck yeah!” he shouted.
All the groundhogs within sight of this turned and looked. They all froze in horror. Beans’ grin widened to one that would put Groundhog Satan to shame.
“Fuck this shit,” Groundhog God said, getting on his purple vespa and speeding off. “You faggots are on your own!”
“Start running,” Beans breathed. “HEAVEN IS OVER, MOTHER FUCKERS!”