Casey’s Brain Gets Transferred Into a Groundhog
The following is a work of “fiction”:
In death, Casey saw the images of her life stretch out from the time she left her body with seemingly no end.
The images were horrifying.
Groundhogs were attacking the home where Casey spent her childhood (excluding those three years from sixteen through nineteen where she dated the clown, who was mercifully stomped to death by an elephant the same week he learned that had pancreatic cancer). The very ground shook as the mounds of the groundhog army marched and trenched their way towards her, murder, rape, and disembowelment on their demented groundhog minds. Casey made her peace with Allah (the only God whose teachings she agreed with), and braced her self for a painful death, being eaten by groundhogs. Her only solace was that she’d be long dead before they crapped her out in the burrows of their underground lairs.
The images were glorious.
Aaron had saved her life! The sexually charged Aaron skateboarded in on his nitrogen-powered skateboard, heroically saving the day. The wretched guts of groundhogs were splattered over Casey’s body as Aaron took her and saved her from the hoard. Her luck ran out when she fell from the helicopter, and was ravaged by that same angry hoard.
The memory suddenly stopped, and the world came back into focus. She thought for sure her life had just flashed before her eyes. Before seeing the day she died, Casey had witnessed various moments of her life. Pickles being stormed to death by the circus elephant. Her lesbian affair with Wilma, her mother’s best friend. The time she blew all those roadies at the Nickleback concert for smack money. And then there was Aaron, the love of her life.
“She’s awake,” Aaron said.
Casey’s eyes fluttered. Her eyes struggled to focus. She saw a light in a dark room and two blurs. One she knew was Aaron based on the blur’s sexiness.
“We got lucky,” a man said in a Russian accent. “If you had waited any longer the operation wouldn’t have been a success.”
“Spare me your condescending attitude, Boris,” Aaron said. She heard a slapping sound followed by a whimper. “If you think this makes us even for Moscow, then you’re one fucked up commie assfuck.”
“Come on, dude!” the Russian named Boris said, his voice cracking. “I just saved your woman’s life! How long do I have to pay for what I did in Moscow?!”
“I watched my mother and sister get dragged away by communist groundhogs,” Aaron said. “That was on your watch. Not mine!”
“You should’ve let me kill myself,” Boris said, dejected.
“You’re not dying until you’ve outlived your usefulness,” Aaron said. “Now get in the trunk of my car so I can take you back to the pretzel stand at the mall, you son of a whore.”
“Aaron?” Casey asked in a weak voice. “Is that you?”
“It is, my dear,” Aaron said, taking Casey’s hand. Something didn’t feel right. “We were able to save you, thank God.”
“I love you,” Casey said, not wanting to miss another opportunity. “I’m sorry I dumped you. So sorry. I want to live the rest of my life making it up to you and blowing you three times a week and making pancakes right afterwards.”
“I deserve that,” Aaron said, sullenly. “But you have to know something. You’re body was badly damaged. Doctor Boris had to take extreme actions to save you.”
“What do you mean?” Casey asked. She moved her hands around her body. Here eyes weren’t adjusted to the light, so Aaron used the dimmer switch to lower them. Casey realized that she was covered in fur. “No,” she whispered.
“I’m afraid so,” Aaron said, handing Casey a mirror. “But I will never stop loving you, no matter what you look like.”
Casey grasped the mirror in a hand that she now noticed was a black claw. She held it up to her face already knowing what she was. The beady eyes of a groundhog looked back at her. She smashed the mirror to the floor and let out a half-human/half-groundhog wail.
Aaron got up from a good night’s sleep. He climbed out of bed, brushed his teeth, showered, and went into his kitchen. He was greeted by Casey, who was already up and grasping a cup of coffee. “Good morning,” he said.
“Good morning?” Casey said, irritated. “Maybe for you. You didn’t have to sleep in the hole under the shed!” Casey had been a groundhog for six months, and it wasn’t getting much easier.
“We talked about this,” Aaron said. “You have to learn to control your groundhog urges in bed if you want to sleep inside. Until then, you sleep in the hole.”
“But a skunk came in the hole last night,” Casey said. “He claimed that the hole was his.”
“He came back?!” Aaron exclaimed, taking the gun from his hip holster. “What did the mother fucker say? Did he come on to you?”
“No!” Casey replied. “He kept telling me to get out of his house. Eventually he left.”
“Tell that bastard he owes me two months worth of rent if he wants his hole back,” Aaron said.
“It’s my hole!” Casey said.
“I thought you wanted to sleep in the bed!” Aaron exclaimed.
“YOU SAID I CAN’T!”
“STOP CLAWING MY BACK AND YOU CAN!”
“I’M A FUCKING GROUNDHOG!”
“I’M SOOOOOO SORRY, PRINCESS GROUNDHOG!” Aaron yelled. “MAYBE YOU’D WANT TO BE A ROASTED CORPSE OF A BITCH AGAIN!”
Casey waddled her bulbous groundhog ass into the other room, crying. She slammed the bathroom door wailing at the top of her groundhog lungs.
“Fuck this,” Aaron said under his breath. “I have to go to work. Groundhogs aren’t going to blow their own brains out.”
Casey waited until she heard Aaron’s camouflage Porsche leave the driveway before leaving the bathroom. “You’re such a fuckin jerk, Beans,” she said to the empty house. She waddled over to the fridge and nudged it open. Aaron was nice enough to leave her stuff on the bottom shelf. She pulled a Mike’s Hard Lime out of the fridge, and took it outside to drink it in the dewey grass.
“Tell me where the main burrow is,” Aaron said.
The groundhog sat in his chair. His arms were crossed in defiance.
“OK,” Aaron said, getting up from his own seat and pacing in the interrogation room. “Let me explain to you what we know, Krishnak. We know that the burrow we found underneath Mrs. Sullivan’s porch isn’t your main burrow. It was just a plunge-hole. You and your kin undermined her porch, and now they have to put in a cement slab. I want to know where your main burrow is, and I want to know now.”
Krishnak replied in spout of chatters and whistles. Aaron knew enough of the filthy language of groundhogs to know what he said. “You are wasting your time on me, Bean-boy.”
“I thought you’d say something like that,” Aaron said. He turned to the two-way mirror. “Bring him in.”
The door opened suddenly, and a small groundhog with a hood over its head was placed unceremoniously in the seat across from Krishnak. “I believe you recognize this one,” Aaron said. “We trapped him just outside Mrs. Sullivan’s garden. It appears your son, Krashnark, has a taste for home-grown lettuce.”
A loud whistle followed by some annoying chatters spewed from Krashnark’s mouth. “DO NOT TELL HIM ANYTHING!”
Aaron pulled his gun from his holster and held it up to Krashnark’s furry head. “I’m not playing games,” he said. “Tell me where the main burrow is!”
One defiant click came from Krishnak’s mouth. “Fuck you.”
Krashnark’s head was gone and his fat, furry body fell to the floor. Two of Aaron’s coworkers rushed in. “Leave the body,” Aaron said. “And bring in the other two.”
“I have eighteen sons,” Krishnak clicked and whistled. “Any one of them can take his place.”
“Seventeen,” Aaron corrected. “And I’m no longer interested in your sons.”
Two more groundhogs were ushered in and sat across from Krishnak. Their hoods were removed to reveal Krishnak’s wife and only daughter. A steady stream of obscenities in the form of clicks and whistles streamed from Krishnak’s mouth.
Krishnak’s wife was now missing a head. A bloody stump remained. A sad whistle emanated from her daughters gaping mouth.
“I heard that groundhogs mate for life,” Aaron said. “If that’s true; then you’re never getting laid again, you disgusting, fur-covered fuck. I think you know who’s next.”
“You leave her alone!” Krishnak clicked and whistled.
Aaron held the gun to Krishak’s daughter’s cheek. The fur burned and smoldered under the hot muzzle of the gun. She cried out.
“STOP!” Krishnak pleaded with a click. “Not my daughter. Not my sweet Shinkardi!”
“You’re all filth to me,” Aaron said. “You know what I want, Krishnak. Where is the mother fucking main burrow?” Aaron pulled the hammer of his gun back.
“I shall tell you,” Krishnak whistled, lowering his head and putting his claws on the table. “May groundhog Muhammed forgive me.”
“What the hell was that in there?!” Samson, Aaron’s partner, shouted after Aaron had gotten the location of Krishnak’s main burrow.
“He talked, didn’t he?” Aaron said.
“What you did in there was cold-blooded murder,” Samson said. “It’s one thing to kill when your life is on the line, but what you did… There are no words!”
“There are two words,” Aaron said. “Euthanasia and necessity.”
“What’s really gotten to you?” Samson asked, putting a hand on Aaron’s shoulder. “You can tell me. I promise it stays between us. I never told anyone about those tranny whores that prolapsed your anus in Tijuana.”
“It’s Casey,” Aaron said, lowing his head.
“I warned you,” Samson said. “Aside from being illegal and immoral, how do you expect to live with your girlfriend now that she’s in the body of the enemy?”
“I don’t know,” Aaron said. “But I told her that I would always be true to her. There’s two things that I am, Samson. Number one is a man of my word. The second is a man-made fuck machine that would put Ron Jeremy to shame.”
“I’m not arguing that,” Samson said.
“I’m staying with Casey,” Aaron said. “No matter what.”
Casey awoke in the warm sun in Aaron’s backyard. She only had one Mike’s Lime, but the small alcohol content fucked her up quick thanks to her groundhog body. She stirred and stretched before feasting on a small patch of delicious dandelions.
“Maybe life as a groundhog isn’t so bad after all,” she mused, stuffing her cheeks full and munching like a glom. She even found herself less mad at Aaron. He had been a jerk, but things were frustrating for the both of them. Intimacy between a man and the groundhog that housed his girlfriend’s brain was no easy task. Not at all.
Casey noticed there was a stirring in her loins. “Holy shit,” she said to herself through a mouthful of dandelions. “I’m one horny fucking groundhog.”
Aaron returned home three hours later than usual. He had stopped by Gamestop on his way home from work, and he had lost track of time while impressing two thirteen year old girls with his video game prowess. He took off his groundhog-gore covered jacket and opened a cold beer from the fridge. He looked around and noticed that something was off.
There were candles lit all over the house. There were dandelion buds on the floor from the front door leading into the bedroom. Aaron placed his beer on the table and listened. There was the unmistakable sound of his and Casey’s favorite porno (The Blackfist) playing from the bedroom. Aaron turned and looked at his calendar. “GROUNDHOG MATING SEASON” was written in black marker across this entire week.
“Fuck,” Aaron said, under his breath.
“Is that you, Aaron?” Casey called, seductively. “I’ve been waiting for you. Why don’t you come in and join me.”
Aaron contemplated getting his gun and putting it to his temple, but he remembered his promise to Casey. He put the gun in the freezer, and went into the bedroom to make sweet, jackhammer-like love to his girlfriend.
“Oh, Captain Fuckmaster,” Casey moaned. “You’re such a stud!”
“Casey,” Aaron moaned back, struggling to keep his erection. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too,” Casey moaned. She was raking her claws against Aaron’s rock hard abs, and leaving long, red marks across his torso. He winced in pain as he made soft and furry love to Casey. “Look at me,” Casey said lovingly. “I want to look into your eyes as I pop my wad.”
Aaron did as she asked. He opened his eyes and looked into the beady groundhog eyes of the woman he loved. “I can’t!” He said suddenly, rolling off of Casey. “I just can’t.”
“What?” Casey asked. “What’s wrong.”
“This feels so wrong,” Aaron said, shutting off the Hanson CD.
“Is it because I’m a groundhog?” Casey asked.
Aaron didn’t speak.
“Would it have helped if you put my brain into a female groundhog’s body instead?”
“I can’t do it,” Aaron said. “Every time I look at you I see the face of a filthy groundhog, and I want to blow its brains all over the walls. I want to tie a cinder block to that groundhog’s leg and toss it into the ocean like Osama bin Laden.”
“How can you say that?!” Casey exclaimed, putting her claw over her mouth.
“It’s not you,” Aaron said. “It’s me. I want to brutally kill groundhogs and give the meat to hungry Ethiopian children.”
“I guess that’s it then,” Casey said. “I’m going to the hole.”
“No,” Aaron said. “You can stay here. I still love you.”
“I’m a groundhog,” Casey said. “Until you can learn to live with me, Beans; I’ll be in my hole.”
Casey waddled out of the room as Aaron Vined her exit. Once the Vine was posted, he opened his Twitter app. “Shit,” he said, “Kit’s on fire tonight!”
Casey looked up at Aaron’s bedroom as the light went out. A tear rolled down her furry cheek and fell to the ground. It should have felt good to be out of that house and into the brisk night air, but groundhogs aren’t nocturnal. She made her way to Aaron’s shed. She was nearly to her hole when a voice spoke up from her left.
“That’s my hole,” it said.
“It’s you,” Casey said, turning towards the skunk. “I told you already; this is my hole. It’s Aaron’s shed and he said I can use the hole. Besides, you owed him rent. I don’t even know who you are.”
“How rude of me,” the skunk said. “Beans calls me LePew, based off that racist cartoon skunk. Everyone just calls me LP.”
“OK,” Casey said. “But you can’t have this hole, LP. It’s mine.”
“Are you sure you want to stay?” LP asked. “I could hear the fighting from out here.”
“I do,” Casey said, looking over her shoulder to Aaron’s house. “I don’t know why I can’t seem to dump this fucktard. I’m so confused.”
“Groundhogs mate for life,” LP said. “It’s your instinct to be drawn to Beans like a rat to a rotting cow corpse. You should have been a skunk. I have five different holes on this block. Each hole as a hot as fuck skunk-bitch with my litter. I stick around, fuck her for a bit, and go to another hole when that skunk-bitch gets mouthy with me. We’re nature’s black guy.”
“That’s obscene!” Casey exclaimed.
“It’s nature,” LP said. “You don’t even want to know what those douchebag raccoons are up to. Those guys are fucked up!”
“So groundhogs mate for life,” Casey mused. “So I need to have Beans out of my life before I can truly move on.”
“I know a burrow you can move into,” LP said. “It’s a large one, too. Lots of other groundhogs to commune with.”
Casey mulled over what LP had just told her. She still felt rage towards the groundhogs for how they turned her life upside down when they tried to kill her, but she was now one of them. Maybe it was finally time to say goodbye to her human life.
“You leaving or what?” LP asked. “I got a skunk-bitch that’s pregnant as fuck that needs this hole.”
“I’ll go,” Casey said. “It’s yours.”
“Good,” LP said. “And if you have the chance; you should check out my podcast, the LePewcast.”
Aaron woke up and stretched. He slept well the night before, but he still felt bad about the argument with Casey that followed his failed attempt of making hot groundhog love to her. He looked out the window, remorsefully, and saw LePew leading a fat skunk-bitch into the hole under the shed.
“Fuck,” he said. “LePew, you dick. Not another one. You know I’m going to have to kill your bitch and her skunk-babies now. Why would Casey leave?” Aaron’s question wasn’t answered until he found a note on his kitchen table as he was leaving for work. It was written sloppily, as Casey tried to grip the pen with her groundhog claw.
“Dear Aaron,” the note said. “I appreciate everything you did for me, but it’s over. Last night was the last straw. I now know that groundhogs mate for life; so I’ll never be rid of you in my heart, but I can at least be rid of you in body. Now that you can’t even give me a proper cunt-pounding, there is no reason to stay. Goodbye forever, Beans. You fucktard.”
Casey settled into her new home. It wasn’t a bad burrow. It was much bigger than the hole under Beans’ shed, and there was a lot of other groundhogs to talk to. “You’re new,” a male groundhog said in a disgusting stream of clicks and whistles.
“I just got here,” Casey said, surprised that she was fluent in the obscene language of groundenghoglish. “I was forced to leave my old hole.”
“I sympathize,” the groundhog clicked. “Our burrow has been beset with tragedy as of late, too. Do you see that large male and his daughter over there?”
Casey craned her dirty groundhog neck to see. There was a large male sitting huddled with a smaller, female groundhog. They wept silently.
“That’s Krishnack and his daughter Shinkardi,” the groundhog clicked and whistled. “Their entire family was nearly destroyed by the evil one called Beans.”
“Beans,” Casey said in an evil whistle. “Oh fuck.”
“Napalm ready?” Beans asked. Mrs. Sullivan stood behind him, eager to have the groundhogs removed from her yard.
“It’s ready,” Samson said. “Better fry these fuckers before they’re out for breakfast.”
“On it,” Beans said, picking up a walkie-talkie. He thought of Casey as the first groundhog lifted its ugly head from the burrow’s main hole, but there was no room for sympathy in the deadly game of groundhog removal. “Fire.”
The napalm dropped from the sky, turning the the groundhog burrow into a fiery crater. Those that were spared the initial blast fled with their fur ablaze. They were treated to bullets from the snipers. The air reeked of burnt groundhog flesh.
“I love that fucking smell,” Aaron said, rubbing his rock-hard, veiny erection from the outside of his pants. “The mother fucking groundhog genocide continues.”
Aaron ejaculated, blowing his beans into his boxers.
Casey looked up at the morning sky, ignoring the pain. She couldn’t move to put out the flames if she wanted to. Something in the blast had paralyzed her from the neck down, so all she could do was watch the clouds float by and burn painfully to death. She marveled that Beans had now napalmed her to death for the second time in her life.
A cloud floated by that reminded her of her sweet Aaron, and she longed to be in his arms once more before death. Then she remembered what LP had said. “Groundhogs mate for life,” she repeated. “You stupid fuckin asshole, Beans.”
Her vision turned to black as her eyes boiled and popped from the intense flames that burnt Casey’s groundhog body to a crisp. “Praise Allah,” was her final thought.