The Bulge: Spongebob Bulgepants

So I’m excited about the new Spongebob movie. The hell, I say? It’s true. I have a history with Spongebob. That history is: I’ve never seen a single episode of Spongebob in my life. It’s true. I may have caught a few minutes here or there, but I’ve never willfully sat down and watched it.

So why would you be excited about the new Spongebob movie, Budgie?

I’m so glad you asked, Budgie.

The “cartoon characters in the real world” genre is one of my favorites. Sure, there were some misses (I’m looking in your direction, Smurfs!), but I believe it’s been underutilized. Of course, you’ll never have any movie of this genre better than Who Framed Roger Rabbit, but I like Spongebob’s moxie.

My daughter (who isn’t that big of a Spongebob fan herself) has made me watch the trailer online twice a day, and there some laugh-out-loud moments. My daughter always gets a kick when the fat guy sits on all of them and one of them (the squid character I think) says “This place smells awful!”.

Never seeing Spongebob Squarepants; I don’t actually have an opinion on the series. I do remember that the generation younger than me (namely, my wife’s younger brothers) were nuts into this show, and those mother fuckers are grown ass men by now, so the show had staying power (my five-year-old nephew goes ape shit over this show now as well). This proves the whole “Spongebob gives you ADHD” theory wrong. If Spongebob really gave you ADHD, then Spongebob would have died off as the kids watching it moved on to some show about a piece of lint that kicks dogs in the asshole or whatever the fuck else Nickelodeon queefs out.

So I plan on taking my daughter to see Spongebob. I’ll take the 2D selection, since 3D movies are completely overrated and give me a migraine that only the death of many hookers would cure. So I’ll see you at the movies being either entertained or disappointed by this mystery sponge that may or may not have a homosexual relationship with a starfish named Patrick.

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