The Bulge: #YesAllThors

“The inscription on Thor’s hammer reads ‘Whosoever holds this hammer, if HE be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.’ Well it’s time to update that inscription.”
-Marvel editor Wil Moss, doing his best to sound like Oprah trying to froth her audience up into hot flashes.

“WTF is a girl Thor?”

That’s right, comic fans, you read correctly. Marvel is making Thor into a woman! Don’t get too excited. They aren’t giving Thor a sex change or anything awesome like that. They are giving his hammer, Mjolnir to an unnamed female character who will be Thor. That’s right fans of boy Thor! Get ready for the non-stop action of girl Thor!

“I am girl Thor!
*uses hammer to push tampon inside*”

It seems that Marvel is focusing on building some steam off the #YesAllWomen movement that took social media by storm for ten minutes a month or two ago. They claim to be focusing on making a female super hero slash role model and NOT another character for comic fans to draw naked and masturbate furiously to while their moms are at the church bake sale next Sunday morning.

“Female Thor? I’d hit that.”

Future pornographic fan fiction of girl Thor aside, I think the story of Unworthy Thor will be much more interesting than new femme-powered girl Thor. How’s he become unworthy? What’s he going to do now that Mjolnir has a new master? That’s going to be far more interesting. That sounds more like a comic I can sink my teeth into (not literally until they create delicious edible comics on fruit roll-up pages).

But what does Marvel do with its female heroes and other characters? Have them become scantily clad sluts, lesbians, or badasses for the sake of being female badasses. Anything else will surely alienate the crowd of nerds who buy comics for the action and sex. A female Thor in a normal breast plate would be more practical, but Marvel’s girl Thor already has armor that shows off her gigantic Thor-boobies. I’m sure she’ll be quite honorable, but she’ll probably be defined by her massive Thor-milkers.

“Girls can’t be Thor, because they wouldn’t know how to use a hammer anyway.”

Marvel is focusing on continuing its tradition of strong female characters. Which ones? She-Hulk was a wiener hungry mediocre version of her cousin, The Incredible Hulk. Storm is a strong leader and a good role model, but they married her off to Black Panther, making her a side character in Black Panther. Besides, Storm never had a successful series of her own other than an X-Men side book every now and then. Ms Marvel?! Ok… I do like Ms. Marvel, but only in small doses. She’s fun to have in a crossover or Avengers tie in, but on her own she gets annoying fast. Black Widow? Same thing as Ms. Marvel. Good in Avengers. Annoying on her own.

“Will she still swing a mighty hammer? And Mjolnir?”

Here’s a concept Marvel should have looked into before giving girl Thor the green light: Tranny Thor. Hear me out before you stop reading! Thor is no longer worthy of Mjolnir and his namesake. Mjolnir needs a new master, and the only one available is a Pilipino pre-op transexual by the name of Ricky.

And just wait until the DC retaliation. Remember when Marvel had the first comic book gay wedding a few years back when X-Man and former Alpha Flight member Northstar married his boytoy? DC came right back to upstage Marvel with a gay Green Lantern. The only way to top this is to acutally make a beloved DC staple get a full on sex change. I’m thinking Post-Op Tranny Flash. Now that’s a gender-bending comic worth reading!

How long is this girl Thor going to last anyway? In the words of the greatest band of all time, Styx: Nothing lasts forever, except the earth and sky and herpes and the comic book status quo. Was it a coincidence when <em>Superior Spider-Man</em> was cut short to be returned to <em>The Amazing Spider-Man</em> with Peter Parker back in control when <em>The Amazing Spider-Man 2</em> was released in theaters? The longest this new character will be Thor will be until <em>Thor 3</em> is out or maybe even <em>Avengers 2</em> next summer. Don’t get too comfortable, girl Thor. Your days are numbered as soon as Disney wants the comic to conform to the movies!

“They better give female Thor big Brunhilde breasts!”

In conclusion: Girl Thor has boobs instead of pecs, but the hammer of Mjoliner. Boy Thor is disgraced and exiled, but at least he’s not stopping to ask for directions every time he needs to fly off to save the world.

Seriously, if the writing is good, I’m there. Most comics suffer from lack of writing. I can get through a comic from this decade much quicker than one from the past. If the new Thor kicks ass and the story is compelling, then I don’t see it having much trouble on the racks.

Also, nerds will buy for the boobies.

See you in line for the Thor swimsuit issue!

-Budgerigar Orville Bigelow (published author)

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