Casey Gets Ripped Apart by Killer Groundhogs: Based on the Incredible True Story
The following is completely “fictional”:
Casey sat on her front porch with her bare feet on the rail. She sipped a Mike’s Hard Lime, watching the sunset. She felt free and liberated. She had just broken up with her boyfriend, Aaron, and felt as if it were for the better. He’d spent a lot of time joking with his friends inside his phone at her expense, and it had gotten to be a bit too much in the end.
She did miss Aaron, though. When he wasn’t taking videos of her telling him to fuck off or pissing on her while showering, he was a sweet guy with an equally sweet ass. Making love to Aaron was never boring; he always brought the power when she demanded it, and she demanded it often. Aaron may have ruined her for other men in this regard as well. She was on the fence about whether or not to become a full on lesbian. It really was too bad that she decided to move on to greener pastures, but it was something that just had to be done.
“Here’s to you, Beans,” Casey said, holding her hard lime up to the sunset and pouring a small measure of it off the porch. “Have a good fucking life.” She finished the rest of the bottle and put the empty in a growing pile to her left. She thought about getting up to get one more before heading inside to read Askharoth on her Kindle device (which she bought for the low price of $2.99 on Amazon.com but didn’t tell Aaron because she didn’t want him to tell his Twitter friend, Budgie Bigelow, that she really loved it), but the sunset was just to lovely to look away from.
Until she saw something that chilled her to the spine.
Coming up over the horizon was a large group of groundhogs. They were so massive that they had to move in large mounds. She took her pretty feet off the rail and put them on the ground. Her hands grasped the rail as her eyes widened in horror. Aaron had always talked about the Groundhog Uprising, but she never thought it would happen in her lifetime.
Casey nearly jumped from her chair and went towards the door, but it wouldn’t open. She looked for the keys and couldn’t find them. She pressed her forehead to the window to look into the house. There they were on the kitchen table. “Shit,” She said. She turned to see if she could make it to her car to seek safety inside, but the groundhogs had already taken it. They burrowed underneath it, plunging it into the darkness of the pit they created.
“Dear God no!” She shouted as they approached her porch. She heard their chattering and whispering and only one thought came into her head as she dropped to her knees and folded her hands together.
“Aaron,” she said. “I was wrong. Wrong about the Groundhog Uprising. Wrong about you. I need a hero now, more than ever. I need a miracle. I need you!”
“Someone call for a heroic miracle?!” a voice called out. She saw Aaron on his nitrogen-powered skateboard, gliding towards her. A gating gun of his own design was mounted on his chest. He turned suddenly and opened fire.
The gatling gun barked fire, and the bullets shredded into the army of groundhogs. Dirt and groundhog guts flew through the air as Aaron dispatched his foes. He set the gun to automatic as he threw a grenade into the angry hoard. It exploded with bang that shook the earth, splattering Casey’s porch and body with groundhog blood and gore. She smiled through it as the most sexy hero she had ever seen stepped on the porch.
“Come with me if you want to be not raped and disemboweled to death by killer groundhogs,” Aaron said, holding out his hand.
Casey stepped onto the nitrogen-powered skateboard, feeling Aaron’s throbbing, hard cock through her extremely short pants. He had built it with just enough room for them both. She kissed him deeply, urging her tongue into his mouth. “For luck,” she said.
“Fuck luck,” Aaron said. “There’s two things I know how to do better than anyone. Tearing your pussy to shreds with just my dick and a thumb and mother fucking groundhog genocide. Today, mother fucking groundhog genocide comes first.”
Aaron used up the last of the bullets for his gatling gun and unstrapped it from its chest harness. He let it fall to the ground on his side. He pulled two nine millimeters from his hip holsters. He began quoting bible verses as he unloaded it into groundhog after groundhog.
Casey observed the carnage all around her. Bullets bit into groundhog hides, killing them painfully. She knew it was either them or the groundhogs, but she still wondered how many groundhog fathers wouldn’t be coming home to their groundhog children for dinner. She then remembered that Aaron had told her never to feel mercy for a groundhog. That will get you killed real quick in this deadly game.
“Why are they doing this?” Casey asked, watching a groundhog’s brain exit through the back of its ugly head as Aaron finished a verse from Leviticus.
“I assassinated one of their political leaders last week,” Aaron said. “Needless to say, they are pissed as fuck. They came after after you to get revenge on me.”
“There are so many of them,” Casey marveled.
“Don’t worry,” Aaron said. “Once we get to Fatmir, I’m going to napalm the fuck out of them.”
“Who’s Fatmir?” Casey asked.
“Fatmir Chzekmanovitch,” Aaron replied. “My chopper driver. You never did listen to me.”
Aaron put hundreds of yards between them and the groundhog hoard as they approached Fatmir and the chopper. Aaron got off if his nitrogen-powered skateboard and hoisted Casey inside. He climbed in behind her.
“Aaron, wait,” Casey said. “I wanted to tell you that -”
“Not now,” Aaron interrupted. “When we’re far away and safe you can apologize for being a stupid bitch and give me a blow job. And don’t call me Aaron. Pretend like we’re fucking and call me King Kamehameha. Get us in the air, Fatmir!”
Fatmir did as he was told. A coarse tuft of pubic hair was visible through his unbuttoned shirt. Casey looked out of the side in horror as the groundhogs built a human pyramid of groundhogs. Their pyramid grew taller as the chopper began to descend.
“What’s wrong, Fatmir,” Aaron shouted over the choppers engine. “Why aren’t we climbing?!”
“Da chopper ees too heavy!” Fatmir shouted in response. “We ees going down, Mister the beans!”
“That’s impossible,” Aaron said. “I’m never wrong when it comes to mathematical equations and aerodynamic physics. I calculated the ascension and weight perfectly…” His eyes ran from top to bottom of Casey. “You’re getting fat!”
Casey looked at Aaron’s accusing eyes then looked back towards the groundhogs. She knew the end was near.
“In any case, it’s time to lose some weight!” Aaron shouted, throwing Fatmir from the cockpit and into the growing tower of groundhogs. They fell like dominoes under the weight of the fat and greasy pube-chested Albanian. Those that survived began to feast on his salty flesh.
Aaron jumped into Fatmir’s seat and began piloting the chopper. “I’ll have us out of here in a flash,” he said. “I have a safe house we can use about thirty clicks south of here. We’ll be safe once I cook these little fuckers.”
Casey sighed a long breath of relief. She allowed herself a moment of peace as she watched the heroic and sexy Aaron pilot her to safety. She’d finally have the chance to say everything she should’ve said if she hadn’t been such a huge cunt.
Her moment of peace was cut short by a groundhog that had gotten into the chopper. It grabbed her around her sexy ankle, and dragged her from the plane. She fell to the earth where she hit with a thud.
“CASEY!” Aaron shouted. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”
Casey stood up, miraculously unharmed by her fall. She waved a hand to Aaron to let her know she was safe when she was accosted by sixteen groundhogs at once. The groundhogs clawed at her with claws built by evolution to move hard dirt and rocks. Teeth bit at her skin and peeled flesh from the bone. She screamed in agony as she became a tasty snack to the cannibalistic groundhog hoard.
Aaron turned the chopper around and readied the two napalm cannons on the front of the chopper. “You fucked with the wrong marine,” he growled under his breath.
“No!” Casey yelled. “I’m still al-”
“DIE, YOU GODLESS SONS OF BITCHES!”
Aaron let lose the napalm cannon in full force, roasting the groundhogs and Casey in one neat show. The only regret that went through Casey’s mind as she was burned to death was not being able to take Aaron’s beautiful, uncut penis into her mouth one last time and she’d never know how Askharoth ends.
Once the groundhogs (and Casey) were all roasted to a crisp, Aaron torched Casey’s house just in case they had gotten inside. Casey’s parents screamed as their home burned down around them. When the fire began to die down, Aaron touched the chopper down near his blackened ex-girlfriend.
“You always were a flaming bitch,” Aaron said sadly, urinating out the fire still burning on Casey’s leg as he held up his phone to Vine it. He got the tip of his dick in the shot purposely, but would later claim it was an accident.
That Vine was starred by @imahandyguy, @Buzzquotes, and @Syncophant.