Best Man Speech
I am a man a few words, and most of them are ‘fuck’, so I’ll keep this short.
I want to tell you all how Scott and Karen first met, but I wasn’t there, so this is my account of the events as they occurred.
I was volunteering at the library reading to terminally ill orphans when I got a text message from Scott (text messaging being a popular way to communicate at the time). I asked my partner Fatmir Chackmenoff to cover for me and finish reading the children’s classic The Tortoise and the Bumble Bee. I stepped out and read the text message. It said “I just made out with a hot bridesmaid”. I walked back into the library happy and showed Fatmir the message. I’ll never forget what Fatmir said that day. “Ees your brova not thee gay?”
Some time later Scott married that hot bridesmaid from the text message. Some of you may have guessed that the hot bridesmaid was Karen.
Let me finish by reading a poem that has great significance in my life. I wrote a report on it and earned a C-. The best grade that could’ve been expected.
*Read “Do not go gently into that good night”*